I am a newbie here. My wife and I have been married for 1 year. Lately she has had very little interest in making love to me. I've talked to her and she says is that all you ever think about.... drives me nuts. i do all i can around the house, I try to be as romantic as possible but nothing works. I am just so frustrated because we argue over this almost EVERY night. We may get together maybe 1 or twice a month. I have not read the SSM yet. I am just so in need of being with her and she is not fulfilling me. I hate when she asks if that is all i think about because it is not just about the sex if it was just about the sex and org. then masturbation would fulfill me but its the emotional connection that you get when sharing yourself with the one you love. I just came here because i have no idea where to go with this from here. Any ideas would be greatly appricitive.
Well, I can't really offer any ideas, but I can tell you that there are a lot of people here with valuable advice, and that just using this tool to share your frustration and unhappiness helps. Even if it doesn't directly solve your R problems, just sharing them is useful. Best wishes!
I hope that you have no children. You have a major problem with her that needs to be worked out BEFORE you even consider children. If things can not be worked out, then it will be far easier to divorce. Once you have kids, like many of us, the option to divorce is FAR, FAR, harder to make. And kids are a HUGE cause of even LOWER desire.
thanks for the response, I actually had a sit down conversation with the wife this afternoon. Apparently she is feeling I am not doing enough to make her feel that I LOVE her, like backrubs, playing with her hair, buying a small gift every once in a while. I promised her I am going to make every effort to do better and make her feel more wanted. She also said that because of my anger when we do not ML it has brought her to a point of sex having a negative connotation. I've promised to help on my end by doing more to emotionally support and love her and she has promised to help on her end. We will see where this goes from here but a good sign is we actually sat down and talked without arguing about it.
My wife used to tell me the same thing, years ago. But then when I'd do those things (and still no sex), she'd say that "you're only doing those to get sex."
There's no doubt that there can be real resentments that build up within a spouse when you don't fill their love tank with the types of things that are meaningful to them, but it also seems true from this board that such a complaint can also be a smokescreen.
Either way, it's good that you're talking openly and calmly about it.
I agree, this is used as a smokescreen. LD is almost always going to require inner soul searching on HER part. You make sure that you meet her needs as she spells them out, but somehow you must get her to figure out why she is REALLY LD.
Please say something that really might be helpful here. Beating someone over the head with the LD stick or putting them in the corner with the LD dunce hat isn't going to help anyone. How about instead figuring out ways to create honesty, goodwill, a loving environment and then seeing what can grow there. How about if that doesn't work despite best efforts looking into medical causes of low desire and working on physical wellness? How about if that doesn't work seeing a therapist alone or as a couple to see if there are psychological barriers.
Morozov,
I am sorry to hear of your marital issues. Read through some peoples old posts. You will get tons of ideas and probably read a little about what not to do. Start with an earnest discussion with your W. Read Sex Starved Marriage, Divorce Busting, Passionate Marriage and other books - see what rings true to you. Work on yourself. Nurture yourself.
M, Do you want to find desire? If so, Lilliperl recommended a book called Rekindling Desire, which is specifically written to women with no/low desire who would like to increase their desire. MrsGGB bought it, but has not looked at it yet. I flipped through it, and it looks like it is fairly good...if you have the drive to find your desire.
Hi...and welcome to our BB, you'll find quite a bit of support here.
One of the phrases I used to use with my H when he would say "sex is all you think about" is...."it may appear that way right now to you....but if you weren't getting air, you'd be thinking about it all the time too. Sex isn't all I think about, but when I'm experiencing a lack of it..it does tend to stay in the forefront of my mind."
Feel free to put your spin on that anyway you wish.
I haven't noticed anyone recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" to you yet, so I'm going to do so. You two haven't been married long at all....it's VERY possible you two aren't speaking each other's love languages, so you need to figure out what hers is and make sure you speak it. The book is a very easy read, won't take long at all...and it even comes on CD if you prefer.
Also...have you clearly communicated to her how this affects you emotionally? All too often the person on the LD side of the R doesn't see your need for sex as having anything to do with an emotional fulfillment, it appears to them sometimes as nothing more than a physical need of "YOURS", not all LD people are this way....but many do tend to forget that there are other needs fullfilled besides the physical ones when ML.
Last but not least...have you communicated to her your preferred frequency.....and are you willing to negotiate that frequency to find a middle-ground you can both agree to?
