How long do you hold on?

[rrodr]

I've been divorced now for 3 months and I keep hoping that my marriage could be put back together. But how long does one hold on to the hope?

I've prayed about this so much and I believe that I've done all of the Dbusting that I can do. But, XH is madly in love (almost to the point of sick) w/ OW. Although she's moved away w/ their son, he wants more than anything to hold on to this girl (he's currently overseas, but holding on for dear life to her). They fight like crazy and most of the time it’s about me, go figure. But no matter what ugly things she says to him or the threats that she makes about keeping him from seeing their son, he continues to hope that they can make it work. She’s apparently the love of his life and the woman of her dreams and wants to be w/ no one other than her. Of course, I’ve felt a great sense of hurt, b/c I don’t believe he EVER felt like that about me during our marriage, in fact, I know he didn’t. And that’s all that I’ve wanted, for him to love me to the depths like I do. Of course, I keep hoping that now that OW moved back home (2 states away), that she’ll meet someone new and this relationship can be over once and for all.

I've taken the approach to try and remain friends with my XH. I figured that being kind to him, despite what he’s done to me, is worth the effort so that maybe he’ll one day see that I love him with all my heart. I want more than anything to put my family back together, but after 2 ½ years of trying to get him to see that he’s made a mistake, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m being foolish here. What do you guys think?

When he’s needed advice, I give it, when he’s needed me to do something b/c he can’t, since he’s overseas, I have. When he calls to talk to our D, we also talk and have great, normal conversations most of the time. Throughout the week, he IM’s me at work just to see what I’m up to, etc. Actually, we can be good friends. And I guess that’s what I hold onto. Deep down he is a good man; I’ve seen it many times throughout our 10 yrs of marriage. I hold onto the good parts of our marriage and maybe that’s what’s keeping me going. But unfortunately anytime that R talk comes into play he always focuses on the negative. And besides, the fact remains that he's so in love w/ someone else, I no longer fit his idea of a partner.

Yes, he’s done a lot of horrible things to me, but despite all of that, I care very deeply for him. He knows this, but in his mind, we will never be together again. His view is that we can never go back. I’ve explained that I don’t want to go back to what we had. Our marriage was not good. Sure there was infidelity, but I certainly also played my part in the breakup. And I have no problem acknowledging that.

Since this whole mess started, I’ve immersed myself into books, and I’ve read this BB a lot. And I feel I’ve grown tremendously throughout this whole nightmare. And I am happier for that and feel good about myself, that I get it and that I know I never want to be in a bad relationship again. I see that it is possible to be happy w/ someone and that it does take the commitment of two people. But the sense of loss that I feel, now that I get what marriage is all about, is so great. I know that I can’t go back and change what happened, but I certainly wished that I didn’t take him for granted or not respected him or not want to be intimate w/ him. I wish someone could’ve told me, “Hey, if you keep pushing your H away like you are, he’s going to find someone else”. No, it’s not my fault that he cheated, b/c he could’ve chosen not to do that, but I certainly contributed.

I’ve read many of the posts and I’ve read a lot of encouraging words from many of you who try to help others. I’m not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Life has gone on for me, but as far as another R, I’m not interested. I want my family back.

I’m here reaching out to you guys b/c I truly have no one else to express how I feel and today has been a very emotional day for me and I feel so all alone in this fight.

So, how long is too long to hold on and am I just being foolish to hold on?

[Just_Me]

So, how long is too long to hold on and am I just being foolish to hold on?

You're not being foolish and only you can answer the question about how long you are willing to hold on. I think if you otherwise have got on with your life and are o/w content that you can still hope for and work for a renewed R with your XH.

I think the friendship is a start. Maybe you shouldn't be quite so conveniently available to do the things he needs to have done, but doing some favors for him is probably ok. You know as well as I do that people are deluded when they talk about "never been so in love....love of my life...soulmate" etc. It's just the early infatuation. To me it sounds like it is already starting to wear off of his new love. If he continues to pursue he'll just push her away. You would definitely have a better chance once she's out of the picture if that's what you want. Just live your life, be friends, and enjoy what you have. If your XH later tries to foster the R, so be it. If someone else comes along, so be it. You're in the driver's seat. Live as you would like.

[dogma]

As usual, Wes is head of the class and spot on.

but after 2 ½ years of trying to get him to see that he’s made a mistake, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m being foolish here. What do you guys think?


You cannot make him see HE made a mistake. As you have so accurately acknowledged, you cannot undo what has been done. You are moving forward and this is the most important part. And should you revive a NEW R with him, you will be in a better position to avoid mistakes.

But right now, he is clearly not in the position to consider a more intimate R with you. There is an R with him now. The question is, and the question we ask everyone, ourselves included, is are you willing to live with this?

Feel free to come here and vent and yell and cry and whatever.

Welcome.

[rrodr]

I'm not sure how to do the quote thing, but...."The question is, and the question we ask everyone, ourselves included, is are you willing to live with this?"




I have been living with it so far. I can only hope it's just a matter of time before his R w/ the OW fizzles out due to her move to FL. But that may be wishful thinking at this point.

Thanks for your kind words. It certainly helps to know that I'm not alone in this fight.

[rrodr]

It's been awhile since I've been on here. Not much has transpired since I last posted until this morning and I'm not sure what to do from here. Any words of wisdom from anyone out there is what I need right about now.

My ex-H called from overseas this morning (he calls to talk to his D8) and he and I were on the phone with each other for about 1 1/2 hours. Our conversation started out rough, arguing about a quote that I got for him for the replacement of his a/c unit at his house. Anyway, we both were getting frustrated. I guess it was just that he wasn't understanding what I was saying, since he says I don't explain things clearly, although I do the best that I can with what I know. So when I told him to do whatever he wanted with getting the unit replaced he snaps at me that from here on out that I or my family does not need to do anything to help him out anymore until he returns later this year. He is so hot headed sometimes and so hard headed, that it drives me nuts. Anyway, I went on to get upset and started crying (I'm just very emotional) and told him that he was so cruel and how can he so easily push away those that have been there for him when no one else has? He hates when I say that and told me that he's grateful for all that me and my family have done for him since he's been overseas, but that if it's going to cause so much grief, then we don't need to continue to help him.

Anyway, the conversation quickly turned to our marriage. I've been feeling these last couple of days that my ex probably never really did love me throughout the 10 yrs we were together. So the rest of the time that we were on the phone we talked about our marriage. He said that I didn't act like I ever wanted him. He's partially right, in that I did love him, I did want him to be my husband, but I ALWAYS pushed him away when it was time for intimacy. That was the majority of our problems throughout our years together. Why I was like that I really don't know. How I so much regret it now. But I told him that I wanted to be his wife, but just didn't know how. I did what I did with what I knew how at the time. Yes, there was infidelity a couple of times, but he was so frustrated with the fact that I never wanted to be intimate with him that he went elsewhere. He even acknowledge, after I asked him, that yes, he felt passion for the two OW, that he never felt passion for me because I never wanted him. Ouch, again!!
I told him that when I finally got it 2 1/2 yrs ago after he asked for a divorce, that it was too late. He was already so far gone with the OW that nothing I did was going to change his heart. He told me that he couldn't change how he felt back then. He had it in his mind that he was getting out of this marriage and there was no going back. That he fell out of love for me a long time ago. That is what I’ve battled all of this time. How he can just say that there’s never no going back? That is what’s so hurtful. He did acknowledge that I did change and that I’ve continued to change for the better, but he said that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. Now he’s said this before and I’ve never quite understood why, but I asked him was it because he felt that he would cheat on me again or because he could never love me again. He said that he knows that he would’ve never cheated on me again, because I’ve made great changes in that department and he was happy about that, but the fact is that he could never love me again. That hurt!! It is so hard to hear that. But the kicker is, and I’ve known this deep down inside, is that although him and the OW are over with, and he wants no part of her anymore (except that they now share a son), he knows that if he ever got back with me again, that he probably would never see his son again (his son lives in another state). I can’t believe that he refuses to give it another go with me because of that b%@!*. It makes no rational sense to me. But to tell me he could never love me like a husband should is hard to hear. I know that I’ve made great strides in changing my ways and I feel good about all that I’ve accomplished. I’m a much happier person and I have a very different outlook on life now. But to base your decision not to be with me ever again on how the ex-OW will react is beyond my comprehension. How someone could influence his life, like she’s had, is something I can’t understand. And he told me today that he wished he never got involved with this OW. That he wished he knew how she really was in the first 6 months that he was w/ her and maybe he wouldn’t be in the predicament that he’s in now with having to deal with her forever because of their son. How so much that I wanted to tell him, I told you so. But I held back and just listened. He asked me if I could ever love my oldest daughter’s father again (we never married) and I told him no, hell he abused me for 4 yrs. Well, he said that’s how it is with him when it comes to me. Again, I felt the knife going in me over and over again.

I’m still not ready to give up. Is that crazy or what? Is what I’m doing useless? I still have hope and I pray all the time that his heart will change and he realizes that he could love me again and we could make a go of it again. But in reality the issue of this ex-OW is what will forever be the reason nothing will change between us.

It’s funny, because we get along great, except for the occasional arguments, but we can argue and then our whole conversation can quickly change and we can have a great conversation the rest of the time. We’ve always been able to do that with each other. And we actually can be great friends. He does say that he wished things could’ve been different, but that again, there’s no going back for him.

He’s coming home in October to visit and we’ve jokingly talked about sleeping with each other because neither one of us are involved with anyone. I so badly want to, but can my heart handle that?? He said that if I can understand that being intimate with each other is not going to change things between us, then we can have some fun together. And he also said that quite frankly he’d rather sleep with me than anyone else. What does that mean?? Do I or don’t I?

Maybe I’m just gluten for punishment here. But all of the stories that I’ve read on this message board have been very inspiring to me. If there’s been hope for others, then maybe there is hope for me. I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t want to ever let go.

Thanks for listening guys. Take care.

[asanders]

Not sure I can be of much help since I am one of those persons that thinks a M requires people to treat each other with respect, love, and care. None of which sound like you've gotten. Really, I think it's easy for us to be in love with the image of what someone once was, what they could have been, or what we had together at one time. But people change, and sometimes a M just simply does not work out. To allow ourselves to be vitimized, humiliated, or treated poorly by another person in a bad relationship is just not right. You're divorced, he's in love with someone else. Accept it, move on, and then decide if it's worth holding on.

[Just_Me]

Only you know if you're done and you're a glutton for punishment. I must say that you asked for exactly what you heard by going there. A) He wants to sleep with you. Many relationships start as nothing more than physical attraction. Do you want to sleep with your daughter's father than abused you? I think not.
b) You believe everything he said. Don't listen to the words. See the actions. He talked for 1 1/2 hours about personal stuff, he included the mistake of the OW, he complimented (essentially) your improvements.

C) My feeling is that if you are willing to accept that it will only be sex and don't get your expectations up, that you make the most of your time with him. If that includes sex then so be it. Live it up.

D) Accept that there is a good chance that you'll never be back together and be happy with yourself either way. He does not have it within his power to bring you down. Only you can do that.

I'd suggest next time you talk to nonchalantly say "sure, I'd love to have sex with you" and take it from there (if that's what you want to do).