Well, kids, it seems it’s time for a new thread. I didn’t post my chain o’ threads last time, so here are my last two. The chain can be picked up from my next-to-last thread:
Me: 37 and 6+ months pregnant (an unplanned surprise, and for S., unwanted); due to deliver baby girl 20 October S.: 41; never married; is my neighbor three doors down Split up “for good” Memorial Day 2004; I went totally dark (LRT); S. came screaming back July 2004; together since; OW/EA/PA I call Swiss Miss (SM) in Switzerland, who is still hovering about in the darkest shadows; in therapy together almost 3 months (Imago); moving into S.’s house end of August after renovations are complete; getting a D from my paper H (GMF) before baby is born.
and my last update on said last thread:
Hi folks. Thanks for stopping by, KGBKK for the dialog on Gottman, the ever-resourceful Stubborn weighing in on pig manure, and the very kind words, Azure!
T was very good. We spent about half the time talking about the process of communicating and how it works (and how it worked for us this w-e) and how it doesn’t work, which was very helpful. Then in the context of talking about how our R ebbs and flows in a way that makes me feel insecure (T likened it to firm ground versus quicksand), I broached SM and we got started, and went away with a pledge to start with it next week, without fail. After I nervously brought it up, and then talked about what a strain it is on our R, and how every time he wants to check out he checks out with her, and the destructive pattern that makes, and how it breaks down trust and fosters fear and insecurity in me, and after he mirrored and validated(!) what I said, the T asked me to ask for what I wanted, and I obliged (contact SM, tell her you’re in a R with me, that you have been in a R with me, that we’re having a baby together, and DON’T SHARE OR HINT ANYTHING negative about me or our R with her). We’ll see what comes of it next week.
T broke in to call it “splitting”; she said it’s what a child does when he tries to pit one parent against the other (good-cop-bad-cop style), going from one to the other in hopes of getting what he needs, and how unhealthy it is (woo hoo, score 1 for the T!) and how it fosters unhealthy Rs with parents and child and how it fosters insecurity in the child. In adults, she said, it’s a pattern that won’t be broken until it’s identified and managed, and said how destructive it is in Rs, and how if the pattern goes unchecked, the person doing the splitting ends up never settling down with anyone (WHICH IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG, that S. talks a big game about how he wants to be married with a family but acts like a single man).
S. really perked up and was interested in what she was saying, and asked her to elaborate about splitting (he loves things that can be safely labeled and filed away). I was VERY encouraged that he began to see some problematic behavior in his going back and forth. Later when we talked about the session, S. said he thought it was good, and that he "learned something about myself, about the splitting." Hallelujah.
Preliminary clicking around has revealed, from an article on children of D:
Quote:
Many of these children become aligned with only one parent so they become less anxious and insecure. This is a factor in alienated children, those children who feel that they can't have a relationship with both parents because they can't handle the stress. Divorced children frequently feel that they have failed or blame themselves when their parents stay in conflict, and they feel even more insecure when they can't prevent the arguments.
At its worst, children experiencing intense conflict have to take sides because they can't manage the internal tension and anxiety they feel. For these children, there is a risk of serious psychological regression where they will see one parent as mostly bad and the other parent as mostly good. This psychological "splitting," as it is called, is damaging to children because it reinforces a style in which they view the world in a "black and white" or "all or nothing" way rather than a more balanced view of good and bad in most people.
The full article can be found at this Web page. (I'm thinking this would be of particular interest to you, Michele, Merrick, and Koshka.) I'm looking for more in-depth stuff. S. loves his Higher Authorities. Now, don't get any idea that I'm about to go slapping some dime-store psych analysis on S. I'm just reading up.
Later, after we picked out kitchen cabinets for one of the rental apartments in his building, we talked about paying the baby bills, and got into a tense discussion about how we are going to pay them. He wants us to split them, me paying some and him paying others, so he can have a "paper trail" that he is paying for the baby. I want the bills to be paid out of my accounts (the bills are in my name, I am the patient, and I want the records to be in one place). So I suggested opening a joint account, at which he went into a long thing about trust and money and how he doesn't trust my money management and how [blah blah on and on]. I listened, and launched right into mirroring. He was surprised, because usually I cry when we talk about money.
I worked really hard to make him feel heard and understood, mirrored for a good 30 minutes, and he wasn't really responding positively, just kept the tense and serious face/voice on. T told us to check in with our feelings occasionally from 0 to 10 (0 being not emotionally connected at all, 10 being completely emotionally connected), and I was feeling a big 0 after that conversation. I told him I was disappointed that he wasn't feeling more heard and understood after all that hard work and energy, and he said he felt like I'd heard him, but I still didn't "get it." I asked him if I should try more mirroring or if I could maybe respond to some of the things he said. He said “go ahead and respond,” after which he mirrored me. We were getting really tired (understandably, huh?!), so we agreed to stop (because it was 1a.m.) and I went to sleep feeling rather heavy and dejected. I guess I have to accept that sometimes, even after you bleed mirroring and validating out of your very last vein, it still doesn't quite do the trick sometimes. OK, I can live with that. Now, where are my leeches?
So today I'm off to a considerably cooler Manhattan, to run errands, buy a present for a friend's baby shower on Saturday, and perhaps have lunch with H2H.
Your link to the new thread hurtled me into nowehere. Check it out.
Anyway, I'm glad you had a good T session. That S seems committed to the sessions IS a great positive and it appears some new headway is being made.
I'd like to give credit to the power of prayer, but I'll hold off for a while (the credit, not the prayers). The two of you are managing a minefield with the R, no M yet, some interesting history, and a baby on the way which WILL change the nature of your R with S.
If you can save all your threads, you may have a sitcom/drama screenplay or pilot all written.
Thanks for the heads up on the article. I'll try to check it out.
I'm still hooked and love reading your posts. I can't believe how far you've come in a year. I also can't believe I've been reading your posts for nearly a year. I now look forward to more great writing, inspiring insights and humbling honesty in this next thread!
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Yes, Jen, what WAS that strange URL? Were you trying to throw your friends off the trail? Or at least Merrick and me, but not Wendy?
Very interesting on the "splitting," sounds like S had some breakthrough realizations. I hope it continues to resonate for him. Very nice about feeling the baby move!
Pwah! You guys were awfully fast... I just used it as a placeholder until I could get back and edit my thread for the real post URL. You must have tried it in the first 1 minute and 20 seconds of it being up before I edited it...
Well, kids, I actually got my butt to a lawyer's office today and filed for a D from my paper H (actually a very dear friend). It was a really weird experience. I won't go into it in detail here because I don't want to offend anyone for whom it might be painful to read about a D from an M that wasn't real. Suffice it to say I'm relieved, I guess... and I'm hoping it will clear some of the blockage that's been clogging up my works.
S. and I had a very difficult 24 hours. After the big financial conversation of two nights ago, he went off to work yesterday only to stay really late working on something that was dumped on him at the last minute for today's deadline (he works Thursdays and Fridays at his freelance job, which is his former employer he left a year or so ago). When he got home, I was asleep.
This morning, he got up without a word and when he came back upstairs, I was sitting in bed and he started with "Good morning. [pause] I don't see how I can make it to the baby shower tomorrow. I'm really stressed out and I can't miss a whole day of work [on the house]." He came and sat next to me in bed. I was silent for a long time, then I said "OK, well, it's OK, don't stress out about it." He said, "It's really bugging me because I want to go, but I feel like I'm not close to them and there are other things coming up later in the month I know I'm going to want to do, and I can't lose this day of work and then not be able to do anything later in the month when I'm more burned out."
I asked what was coming up, and he said his MF is coming into town in August (he is a work friend whom I like very much who got transferred to run the Paris bureau of their news organization). I said something about that was nice, and then after a while I said "I did some baby shopping yesterday for the [friend's] shower - I'd love for you to help me pick a few things out for them. I bought things we can use, too, so whatever we don't give them we can keep." Then I showed him (in my hands - he never made a move to take it and look at it) the Baby French CD I bought for our petite chou and told him the booklet that came with it was packed with great information about bilingualism from infancy (we are planning to speak two languages to her) and that I had read the whole thing on the subway home yesterday, was he interested in taking it with him? And he said quickly, "I don't know when I'm going to have time to look at that." So I quietly packed it up and put it aside, and he said "Maybe I can look at it on the subway."
And I started to cry (silently). I just felt like the last couple of days he's been so hard on me, and every interaction is all about HIS stress and he's totally projecting it onto me, and he can't even talk to me. I tried to stop, so he wouldn't get stressed because I was crying, and I got up and started to get dressed. He got up, too, and went downstairs. I took longer than usual to get dressed, and then I heard him leaving - no good-bye, nothing.
I was feeling like dog poo (he NEVER leaves without saying good-bye) when a handy H2H helped me get through the hurt and anger part so that I could at least postpone bringing up how much that hurt me until I could say it clearly and nonjudgmentally. When he came back to shower for work, S. came in and said semi-cheerfully “Hello!” I just said Hi and kept working in the study. He cleaned up and then came in to say he was leaving. I barely looked up. He leaned over for a kiss and I obliged, then sat there looking at him.
He said, “I’m probably going to be late again tonight.” I said “OK.” He said, “I’m going to be late again, so don’t wait on me for dinner.” I said, “OK. I’ll talk to you tonight.” Then he said, “I’m sorry.” Pause. Nothing. “I’m sorry this is so hard. And I’m so stressed out.” And because I'm sick of it always being about him, when I've been working 7 days a week, too, I said, “I’m stressed out, too.” He said “I just don’t know how I can go tomorrow... [etc, etc, same crap about the shower as earlier]” and I let him say it all then said “I have to get something out by 12:00.” (It was 12:00.) He said “OK, I’ll see you tonight.” and that was it.
As far as the stress goes, I GET IT. I KNOW he’s stressed, and I’m trying to validate as best I can. But I mean crap! I have my own stress – I’m working 7 days a week, and I have my own “other people’s deadlines” to contend with! And in case no one noticed, I have a 22-pound watermelon under my blouse! I’m not telling him AT ALL about my own stress because I don’t want to get into a “who’s more stressed” competition, and I don’t want to burden him with my stress (a courtesy I was really kind of hoping he’d return). Maybe, as a result, he sees me as “just fine” and so feels it’s OK to unload onto me.
Anyway, he has just called from work to whine once again that he “really wants to go to this shower but he just feels he can’t lose a day blah blah…” and I am still making it OK for him not to go (which is probably why he keeps bringing it up, because I’m not taking the bait and begging him to go or acting upset that he isn’t). He asked me if I was going. I said “Of course I am!” and he started again on how he wanted to, but… and I just cut him off and said we could talk about it when he got home, if he wanted to.
Anyway, I’m getting to the rambling part of this post. Mainly, I wanted to say I got the ball rolling on the D and vent that S. is making me nuts. Thanks for listening.
I wrote about two attempts at biligualism in a hijack of Michele's thread. I hope that the booklet has a lot of good information to help you. I feel it's unjust to a child not to expose them to more than one language in this country today.
Quote: Mainly, I wanted to say I got the ball rolling on the D and vent that S. is making me nuts.
WTG on the paperwork for that D. It will "clear the path" in your R with S, showing that you are taking very concrete steps to eliminate barriers to a committed R.
And, WTG with the venting on the bb and not on S! Just chiming in here so you know we're listening.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hey, thanks, K. It's great to read about your experiences with bilingualism. S. speaks some French, so it won't be a problem (i.e., I won't be having to translate, at least at first). The experts say that even if the child speaks to the L2 parent in the L1, if the L2 parent consistently responds in the L2, then the L2 will be reinforced. They also say that when exposed in infancy to the sounds of a language, they retain the ability to distinguish those sounds throughout their lives, making it easier for them to "relearn" the language at an older age. Your kids will be able to speak Gaelic at some point if they want to, apparently with little or no accent. Were you brought up speaking it from birth?
I'm up late because I can't sleep - S. came home late, we chatted for about 15 minutes in bed, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I came back to a dark room and S. turned away from my side of the bed, quickly going to sleep. I tell ya, the level of affection at my house is about nil. We did have a decent chat, though.
I wanted to post a little more because I started thinking about my last post and wondered if I'd told the whole story. I can't remember if I'd posted that S. is having daily stress tribunals at which I am the scapegoat. All of this frustration is pointed at me, because of what *I've* asked him to do (renovate the apartments, which was happening anyway, just maybe not on this schedule), on *my* deadlines (hello?! two of us tangoed to produce Miss Medicine Ball)... so I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't flying off the handle at one little incident. Honestly, I've been the model of listening and validating lately (makes me wonder who's been slipping me the pills), and being careful not to put undue stress on S., and it's getting really hard to deal with my own stress (alone) while listening to S.'s (which is directed at me). Rant over.
Just taken time out from polishing my chain mail to say thanks for keeping up with my sitch. AND to let you know that even though I don't post very often I do keep up with developments in yours.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a difficult time.
Unfortunately, your complaints about S sound very familiar to me from my own life. I'm sorry to say that my experience is that the R can easily become even more polarized after the baby is born as opposed to during pregnancy. From my perspective now (from knowing my H and other Hs), I wouldn't even expect my H to be interested in a baby shower or to want to read the bilingualism booklet. As for baby clothes and stuff, I'd not even mention those to S.
By the way, I hope you're prepared for the fact that it is entirely possible that S is going to be exhausted after labour--totally and utterly exhausted. Labours always took a huge toll on my H. I never understood that as he even slept through a major portion of the third one.
By the way, before I sound too cynical, I want to point out that H is one of those progressive, baby-friendly Hs and yet all the above applies. I think having babies is a huge exercise in accepting how different you are from your S.
When I read your post, I felt compassion for how you're feeling and at the same time I wished I could save you pain and frustration and pass on what I've learned the hard way. I wish you could accept your S's differences for both your sakes. I really wouldn't expect your S to be interested right now in baby things. He isn't pregnant at all the way you are. I think it's a cheeseless tunnel to expect him to be into baby-related stuff. Forgive him for not being you.
I know it sounds unfair and not the way it should be. I think you'll save yourself a lot of pain though, if you start to consider that S could still be a fantastic parent without caring one hoot about the paraphernalia and stuff to do with the baby that will become relevant later.
I hope I don't sound preachy and know it all.
Big hug,
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Were you trying to throw your friends off the trail? Or at least Merrick and me, but not Wendy? 