This so sucks!! I finally had OW out of my head...probably hadnt even thought about her in couple months...now my mind is totally consumed by her!!
I wonder is she was the one who said something to her sister to call and invite everyone to Vegas?? H has not talked to OW sister in long time, so why out of the blue would she call him?? UUGGHH! I dont know if H and OW have had any contact lately...the last time I knew they were in contact was in December, before we went away on our trip. Haven't checked H email to know otherwise. Dont want to know..only makes it harder to concentrate on us. But if I look at the positives:
1. H and I had wonderful weekend last weekend. Spent lots of time together, talking, laughing, having great time and made wonderful love together. 2. H continues to share things about his "life" with me. 3. H played tennis with me last night and told me I did good job. 4. H and I are refinancing house to put some debt together and buy another car. 5. H continues to help me with household chores w/out having to be asked.
.....the list could go on....so why am I worried? If he is happy at home and happy with me, then why would he want to be with OW again? He wouldnt, right? I wish we could talk about this..but not sure if he would or not. I want to know if he now knows that what he thought he wanted with OW was just fantasy...HS crush, it wasnt true love. I want him to tell me that he knows things would have never worked out between them, because he really didnt love her. I want him to tell me that they could never be anything other than friends (something that I could live with, if he just told me that). I have so much on him that could ruin both of their lives if I really wanted to....other than me, there were maybe 6 other people that knew about the affair. NOT her H or anyone in her family, except her mom and only 2 of H friends and his mom (his sister too, cuz I told her).Those being the "close" people in their lives.
Im scared to ask H if he is planning on going to Vegas...afraid of his answer and reaction. I thought about maybe just saying, "So when is this Vegas trip supposed to take place? Cuz I was thinking maybe we could invite B and L (married friends of ours) to meet us?" Then see what he would say. We have talked about meeting those guys in Vegas sometime anyways, so what could it hurt? Right?
I HATE being afraid to talk to my H about things like this. It sucks!! The anxiety kills me....takes me days to just work myself up enough courage to talk about it!! But I guess that is normal after all that we have been through in the past year.
Ok, any advice about this would be great....I want to tell H "ILY". I have not said this since.....hmmmmm...I cant even remember. I do feel those words need to be a part of a M and w/ out saying it, I dont know...I just dont feel like we are "complete". I guess it wont hurt to say it, right?? But, with no expectations of him saying it back. I can do that..I just want him to know...just in case he might not really think I totally do. Any suggestions???
Quote: I HATE being afraid to talk to my H about things like this.
I know exactly how you feel on this one. I'm so sorry that just when things were feeling better, this has to come up. But I think for your sake, you sould ask about the Vegas trip. But only if you are prepared to hear that he might be going, and going alone. I know this is hard. XH was recently asked to go to North Dakota for Thanksgiving. Just he and D9 were invited, not me or D10. And in the phone conversation I heard, he didn't turn down the offer. So I understand how you feel. Sometimes we have to suck it up and sometimes we have to hang it out there. Do what's best for you.
I'm new to this thread, hiya. I just had to reply when I saw this.
Quote: I HATE that he has to be friends with OW family!!! Its so not fair!! I just want her out of our life forever!!!!!!! Even though when H came back..I told him that I knew he would probably always have feelings for her and I understood that..but to have to see her...
I am in the same sitch. My H was basically his ex-OW's kids' dad for about 3 years. Their real dad is out of the picture. And my H has been taking even more care of them lately, since the crazywoman turned into a junkie was never around. Now she is in jail again, so 2 of the kids are living with him. I have only met one and we get along great. She even defended me to the crazywoman, which made crazywoman soooo mad..
It would make things sooo much easier if they had no contact. We'd worry so much less. And originally I had wanted him to cut off all contact with her. But the kids have no one else to take care of them. H doesn't want CPS to get involved cause he's afraid they'll split them up. And they're old enough to not need constant supervision (12, 16, 17).
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post. Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel!
Well, I think its time to post some goals and get back to writing down some positives each day. That really seemed to help me before!
Goals:
1. I want H to initiate a hug or kiss at ANYTIME!
2. I want H and I to go away for our anniversary.
3. I want to be able to express myself to H and not be afraid.
4. I want to be able to ask for what I need w/out being afraid H will freak out.
Positives:
1. H called me couple times when playing poker last night. (He NEVER used to call me when he was out doing something)
2. When H called to say when he was leaving I told him I was going to wait up for him and he asked why, I said because I want to see you when you get home. He seemed surprised with that..I usually go to bed early.
3. H rubbed my leg while in bed!!!
I think I "bothered" H too much this morning. He is not a morning person and usually gets up, goes to computer room to do his sports stuff. I know that this is his time he needs to be alone, but I was in such a good mood, I kept going in and talking to him. One time he snapped at me. I just walked out then. I KNEW I had done too much. Then when he got ready to leave for work, he just walked by me and said, "Im leaving" and walked out the door. I didnt not chase after him for a hug or kiss...I could tell his mood was not good. It was probably not all me though, it was early and he knew what he had to go do was goign to be a pain in the a$$!
But just ONCE..I would like him to come to me, say goodbye and give me a kiss on the cheek or lips. Is that really too much to ask for ?? Are we in a good enough place for me to ask him for this?
I am reading a book called "Marriage Fitness" by Mort Fertel. It is an AWESOME book. It talks about making your M about being in love. That you CAN decide to love someone and that is the most important thing you can do to keep you marriage strong. I cant wait to get more into the exercises...maybe I will post them on here too! I do recommend this book to anyone on these boards!
-2much
Here's to becoming postive and looking toward the future!
Whatever is important to you is what connects with you. Prioritize your spouse and you’ll have a soul mate. Prioritize something else and you’ll be married to it.
-Mort Fertel, Author of MARRIAGE FITNESS
I keyed in on a sentence in your post, that you basically got out of the book you are reading
Quote: That you CAN decide to love someone and that is the most important thing you can do to keep you marriage strong.
This is also a concept that is in the 5 LL book to by Chapman. What it says to me, that a person can decide to love or not love someone. That it is a choice. I think that it goes a little deeper than that. In difficult times, it is too easy for a S to walk away. That they do have a choice to decide to love their partner, no matter what. What would hopefully come of this choice, in my mind is that now knowing that my partner as decided to love me, it is incumbent now on me to make the changes to allow that love to grow and flourish.
Obviously, what I am hoping is that my W choose to love me, and give this M another shot. And by give it another shot, I mean to deep-six the old M and R and start all over again.
“I have seen the light”. And in seeing it, can make things so much better than they were before.
Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young
I totally agree with KGBKK/Chapman have to say. For me I know my love for my wife is due to the choices I have made to love her. Too often I believe young people are taught fairly tail definitions of love. "You either have it or you don't". This only takes away all responsibility and accountability, and leaves it to fate. But as we either know or have learned, true love is a choice.
Hopefully our spouses will make a choice to love and improve what they have.
I am 45, and my W is 32. One of the impetuous’ of the sitch we are in, as that she felt that I wasn’t an adult. Where it came to responsibility, I have to agree. I was an even-Steven type of guy. “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. So… grew to resent me, and felt we had a parent/child relationship (I don’t know if that’s the way she currently feels… I’ve grown up in that regard). However, I now am starting to feel that she is immature where it comes to love and the responsibility to keep it going. Just because ILYBINILWY at this time… doesn’t mean it’s time to just bail. There has to be some work to try and save it (if that has not been attempted, which in our case, we have not, as I say, “done the hard stuff”)
It is a choice, and as adults we need to recognize that. It was scary to read in the 5LL that 60% of second marriages (this is my second), and 75% of third marriages (this is her third) end in D. I wonder what the percentage for 4th… if she does end up getting D’ed from me, and getting M’d in the future). I honestly feel bad for her. I don’t want this failure (if it ends up that way) to be on her conscience for the rest of her life. I am not sure she realizes that she can choose to love me again (and refill her “Love Tank”… which I know is on E) Should she make that choice to love me?… I don’t know. Would she be better off without me, no, I truly don’t feel that way. I am not saying I am the most perfect guy in the world… that I am arrogant enough to feel that I am the only one who could ever love her, or as much, as I do… one of her XH actually said that about himself!. I may have not understood her LL, but I sure as hell didn’t ignore her, quite the contrary.
I just wish that she would see that.
Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young
Your goals sound almost exactly like what mine should be. I think we even both had the same kind of morning. And really, how hard is it, how much effort does it really take to give a quick kiss on the cheek and say good bye to someone. (I'm in a really bad mood today, can you tell?) I mean most of the time we do everything in our power to make life for them better, happier, nicer, less stressful and what do we get in return most of the time? Attitude. Even if we're not the cause of the bad mood, we're the ones they turn to when they need someone to take it out on. And when they're happy, well, are they ever happy??? (Just kidding.) Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling very under appreciated lately. But we shall be thankful for the possitives and let the bad stuff roll away. Here's to a better tomorrow tomorrow!
Well, this was an good weekend. H and I went out for breakfast on Saturday morning. During breakfast, I decided to mention to H that I would like to go away somewhere the end of September or beginning of October. (Its our Anniversary, but I did not mention that was why) I mentioned maybe going up to the mts. His response...."we'll see" I hate those responses!!
Later on during the day...I decided to show him just how much I have forgiven him and so I said, "I was just thinking, maybe we could go to Vegas instead, then you could do some gambling if you wanted." (OW lives in Vegas)I didnt wait for response..think H was surprised though.
Tonite, sitting eating our supper, H asks me why I wanted to go to Vegas. I said, "well, I just thought that way you could play some poker if you wanted and I could do some relaxing." He said, "we could do that at Blackhawk here" and I said, "but there isnt whole lot for me to do it you are playing cards." He agreed with that. Then he said, "well, see if B and L want to meet us in Vegas, then we can go there. If they dont want to, we can just go up to the mts. That's cheaper anyways." WOW, what a step in the right direction!!! And to think yesterday i was having an anxiety attack becuase H said he was going to drop off movie and it took him almost 2 hrs!! I was freaking out...thinking he was somewhere calling OW...then he gets home and tells me that truck quit on him and had to have his dad come and get him...!! I freaked for nothing!! I hope I dont have to feel like that forever..I hope that someday I feel secure enough in our M that I dont have to have those thoughts anymore!
I finally had OW out of my head...probably hadnt even thought about her in couple months...now my mind is totally consumed by her!!
I hate those responses!!