I am finding myself in a really big quandry. I so wanted to talk to my H this past weekend and didn't. As alot of you know he has heart problems, has had bypass surgery and this weekend he found himself in pain, his leg, he says a blood clot and it has happened before but I put off talking to him because of that. I really don't want to hurt his feelings either, but I think that is something that has to happen.
Little bit of background here.......... He has ED problems and that is something he needs to look into, AGAIN. I am part of a dance troop and we are getting ready to perform for the first time this coming saturday so we have rehersal/class wed nights and on the weekend, usually sunday, but this past weekend it was changed to saturday night. H is a retired FF and now works at 2 nights a week at a nursing home and every other weekend.
Last weekend H was on his once a month horniness and he failed to finish. Long story but he blamed it on some lubricant of mine which has no anything in it. So sat I asked him if he wanted to finish what he started, he said yes. I ended up giving him a BJ but it took a really long time and he hardly got hard at all. Sunday I got up with the dogs and cleaned the house and did some laundry. It was really nice out, its been very hot and humid and we have not been able to put the coating on the back deck because of that. We had plans to meet some friends a half hour away for dinner that evening and he started bitching about always having something to do on the weekends. Well dang, he works every other weekend and doesn't do anything at all when he has to work except vege out before he leaves. Then he said "well after this saturday won't have to worry about your dancing anymore" I was like, what??????????? I discussed being part of this troop way long time ago and the committment it would mean and he had no problem with it then. I think what it all boils down to is that he wants me to make my weekends free totally on the weekends he doesn't work. This is exactly why I end up going out with friends without him. He wants to stay home all the time.
Now to the other part. I have absoutely NO desire to be with him sexually. I have tried and tried to just be happy with what I have, but I can tell you sex once a month and every single time is exactly the same gets real boring. This is how it goes.......... He starts out about 1 minute of foreplay, no real passionate kissing, he does about 3 minutes of oral, all the while not exactly acting like he is enjoying it at all, then gets out the toy. Its exactly the same all the time. I have tried to get him to do something different, have suggested things, but he does not listen. AND,............ I want real sex. He doesn't even get hard enough to penetrate. I want a warm body, someone who "wants" to be ML to me. Sometimes I think I should be happy with the once a month dildo delight, but somehow I just can't seem to get to that point.
Ok rant is over. I don't know what to say to this man that I care about but an loosing passion and love for every minute.
Annette: I am sorry you're having to deal with such a boring and unsatisfying partner. I guess I'd tell him to F-off on the subject of cancelling your dancing. This is truly the GAL kind of stuff we all need in order to survive the doldrums.
As far as the sex goes, I wish I knew what to tell you. Patience and understanding only go so far when the other person isn't willing to give anything.
Annette, I think your H has a lot going on, underneath the surface, regarding the ED. Shame, disappointment, sadness, inadequacy, longing to be normal.
I would look into counseling to deal with it. Obviously he feels he can't talk to you about it, openly, (as many men can't) so maybe a trained sex counselor could help. Has it ever been checked to determine whether it's physical or psychological?
I think you should set up the appt and tell him he can come if he wants. Remind him of his statement of wanting a better M, from a year and a half ago. Then GO. Consider it part of your GAL.
I think you need to stop making excuses for your H and tell him exactly how you feel. I think it is time to be bold with him. It seems to me that the only way that people on the board make changes in there relationship is letting there partner know in no uncertain terms is to tell them. What your needs are.
I haven't followed all the details of your sitch. But my H has intermittent problems with ED too. Honeypot is right that it is a very big deal for the man - painful and embarrassing, a huge blow to his self-esteem.
Has he had medical advice - an examination by a urologist to determine the causes? Is he taking meds, such as certain BP meds, which cause ED? Does he or would he consider taking viagra?
I also agree that counselling could be quite helpful. I found a local counselor on http://www.aasect.org/. She deals with both the emotional and physical sides of the R. (Don't worry - such counselling is just "talk therapy") My H and I have seen her both together and individually and it is helping us to talk about some difficult issues in a caring way and to better understand each other. One consideration - your H might possibly be more comfortable with a male counselor? Can you talk to him about this?
As for your H wanting you around when he's not working - that may be partially due to his being retired, and due to the fact that you are his main, perhaps only, social connection. Again, counselling could be helpful, along with calm reiteration of your caring for him but your need to participate in your dance troupe. Perhaps you need to make sure that you do spend some fun recreational time with him each weekend in addition to the time you spend without him?
There are several books you can find on Amazon.com or perhaps in your local library which may be helpful. Search on "Erectile Dysfunction". One is:
Coping With Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex by Michael E., Ph.D. Metz, Barry W., Ph.D. McCarthy (Paperback)
best, Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
Thanks for your reply. All of the things you suggest have been addressed. H has had a heart bypass and is on alot of different meds, however, the ED problems started WAY before then. Viagra........ he tried that long time ago and said all it did was give him a horrible headache. Now, given the heart problems, he is not able to take any kind of med like that.
We talked a little yesterday about the dancing and he says he did not mean it to sound that way. We did talk a little about how he conveys things to me, and how it usually sounds like negativity. We didn't have much time to really talk, but we agreed to put some time aside this coming weekend to really talk ( without the friggin TV too ) We will see what happens after this talk.
I hate to be this way, but we have been here before. I get too frustrated with the situation, we have a serious talk, things improve for a matter of maybe 2 weeks, he says he will go back to the drs about the ED problems but never does. Then things go back to where they were before the talk. So we shall see what happens.
Well, we finally talked about a few things. Although the sex issue did not come up, some other very big things did. I told H how his constant negative attitude and his making snide remarks about me when he thinks its funny makes me feel. He said he was not aware he was doing that.................... cough cough....... We have had huge arguements about this in the past. I remained calm and stood my ground. Now he wants me to either call him on these things or write them down to tell him later........... Ok I will do that. We also talked about how he always looks and acts like he is mad at the world. Well I am not the only one who sees that, people he works with also see it, so he said he will try to take notice how he is.
He came down on me for a few things and I took responsibility for those things and will do my best to not do those things again. We actually talked for almost 2 hours about these things and I think maybe the lines of communication are opened. I will play it by ear on the sex issue and the ED problems. Feels good to be totally calm when talking to him and I think he saw this change. \
so we have rehersal/class wed nights and on the weekend, usually sunday, but this past weekend it was changed to saturday night. H is a retired FF and now works at 2 nights a week at a nursing home and every other weekend. 
