I decided to use a name with a symbolic meaning in it for my new thread. I know alot of people recap there sitch on a new thread. I choose to just offer the link to my old thread. Thread for Chrissy.
The only part of my old post that I am reinserting into this one is the Steps I feel I need to take for the resurrection of Chrissy So step one to start saying what I feel and think without fear of harm to myself or others. And trying to develope a better understanding of how myself and others including the H feel. And to not only do this on this BB but in my life to my H (to the degree I feel safe)and to others In progress.
Step Two. I am going to go to the doctors to be put back on anti depressants. But I am going with the knowledge no little pill is going to make my life better I have to do that myself. I am going to go back on them to help control the emotional mood swings that all of the ups and downs of the resurrection of Chrissy will entail. I know depression well. And words in my own post have made me jump back and say okay you may not be suicidal right now but dam that I give up attitude reeks depression. hmmm could that be alittle baby step in the better understanding of me.
Step Three I am going to go back to work. This one is not a tomorrow thing. My son is having surgery in July for one reason but the main reason. Goes back to step two I lost a very wonderful job due to the sickness of depression once. I have never lost a job never been told I do not feel you are capable of doing what is required of you before this. Realizing that I had become a hinderence to a company that once felt I was a huge asset was not a good point in my life. I do not feel that a repeat of that will help in my recovery of my form of sickness. So I am not going to jump before I test the water. I do plan on starting to look for a job within the week or to before my kids go back to school and I may only go back part time at first so I do not overload myself. And I am very aware that means less pay alot less pay then I was making before and a job that may be not as satisfing or challenging as I have held in the past. But if I remember it is only a stepping stone in life I do not feel I will become discouraged about that.
Step Four. I am going to become interested and interesting again, Not for others but for myself. I am going to look for and find new things that I may want to try just to learn something from. ie going to lowes and taking a how to apply ceramic tiles to a counter class ect. I am going to force myself to become reinterested in things I use to like and finish projects I have half ass done ie. finish remodeling my D bedroom I tore apart when she moved out ect.. I hope to achieve a feeling of self accomplishment by this. That is very important to me.
Step Five. I am going to develope and maintain relationships ie friendships with others outside of the four walls of this house and computer desk. They will be live they will be viable and I will refuse to allow them to be put in fear of harm or harrasment of my H. I may even try to recultavate some old friendships from my past job. I had three very good friends there one whom actually I had met at a prior job and we became such good friends that when I left one job for a better paying job she came with me.But I shut her out of my life at some point durring all the falling apart Chrissy episode. This is by far going to be one of the hardest challenges for me. I will have to face my fear of future embarrasment and risk of harrasment not only to myself but others by the H to pull this one off. And since I cannot control him or his behavior towards others this one is tricky.
Step Six to read the dictionary my spelling sucks. My ability to spell seems to have fallen by the wayside
So now it is time to start taking out those boxes. And name those demons.
I feel I have already opened a few of them 1. How I feel and where I am at with the molestation by my grandfather 2. How I feel about my H 3. How I feel about myself. I am not putting those boxes up. I am sitting them aside just in case the need arises to rumage through them again
Other boxes I may need to look in will contain. 1. How I feel about my biological father and his abandonment of myself my mother and my olders sister 2. Ex relationships 3. My Ex husband 4. Where I am and how I feel about the fact I have been raped not once but twice within my life. 5. Guilt I feel regaurding my mother.
I make reference to the demons that dwell in my basement often. Now I will name them.
The biggest scariest demon that dwells there is my Step father. Almost all feelings and thoughts that I have for this man are negative and hurtful. I have very few good memories of any time with this person.
The second demon I have to face is my ex-boyfriend. Well not so much the person but the relationship. And the impact that this relationship has manifested into my being. The person themselves is not a negative from my past. But I feel the relationship and what it meant means to me does have a negative impact of sorts.
I refer to these two people as demons because unlike the skeletons of past demons in my life whos remains reside in the boxes. These two demons are still living issue within me. Unresolved unslayed they still have a almost daily impact in my life.
So now I have listed some of the contents I need to sift through and the demons I need to face. And the hope is to see if I can find some little bits and pieces of my emotions that may have gotten packed up with them. And the hope that by slaying the demons I will no longer enable them to have control of any part of me.
I feel this is important not just for my M but also for myself. Healing myself is my number one goal. I do not feel that I can heal my M without healing myself first.
Chrissy your organizational skills are very good. You put names on problems and names/steps on goals. You also realise you can't make anyone else do much of anything and healing yourself is your main goal. You are a valuable poster on this board. I am glad you are continuing to post.
Step Six to read the dictionary my spelling sucks. Lots of us have that problem. I know I should follow my own advice sometimes, but here goes.
If you write your post using your wordprocessor and do the editing/spelling there, your spelling should not be an issue. After everything is checked using your wordprocessor, then you can copy it and paste it here in the reply box.
Okay today is a day that I need help. I am trying to not rock the boat but am starting to get really frustrated.
I have been trying hard to provide the physical and verbal love my H needs. And now we are falling into the same cycle that we always do. Over kill. While I have been being playful and flirty with him to fill his love tank as it is referred to. He is starting to go over the top with it. You know that to much of a good thing can become a bad thing dynamic it always come into play when ever I make a effort to give him what he needs then it makes me start feeling resentful of my actions because they are never enough to satisfy him and he then appears overly needy to me. Over the last few days my H has started touching my constantly it becomes a every time we are in the same room thing. Walking up behind me and kissing my neck and just hanging on to me in general. Today is day three since the shower eposide and since He has made several references to me taking another shower. This is taking any good feelings I had about the experience and making them disapate. My H does this often and not just in regaurds to sex. Anything he finds slight enjoyment in or I find slight enjoyment in he goes into overdrive with and overkills the enjoyment of the situation. My H is not good with moderation. So here is the problem I have two choices. I can endure and become again resentful towards him or I can address and he will become defensive, hateful,and mean. If I endure I will eventually explode if I try to explain he will become dejected and mean in nature. Either way it is the same venomus results that become hurtful to our sitch. So which do I do. This is not a new sitch it is a normal sitch around here. The outcome is always the same. I would like to be able to address the situation without the fear of recourse it evokes. I would like to be able to make him understand that though I know his lovey dovey actions are well intended that it becomes smothering to me. And that we need to come to a exceptable balance for the both of us not just one of us. Any suggestions of how to do this without rocking the boat and disturbing the waters would be great.
chrissy, be direct. You alread posted it here, "I would like to be able to make you/him understand that though I know his lovey dovey actions are well intended that it becomes smothering to me.
Well after a little consideration and thinking back to HD recent post where there are things we say that do not sound the same to the listener I decided to go another route. I let my H read my post I had just posted. I left the room so he did not have that standing over your shoulder pressure of immediate response. When H came down stairs he acted as I knew he would dejected and upset. After a short while he went outside. I followed a few minutes later. We spoke about it for a moment. But no resolution really came just denial that he was doing this. Ah well it was a try Maybe the next time I will get it right.
I have NO CLUE as to tell you what to do. Although I will say that sometime back when my H and I were discussing our R and we were both in a great place, acting mature, and accepting that we did indeed love each other and were committed to each other...we discussed this issue.
I told him how much I loved it when he showed me affection...but he said, "not too much". Right. Not in overdrive. Men like a bit of mystery from women and women like a bit of playing hard to get too. I think both parties (it is not a "game") it is a wisdom that you know to put some of the mystery into the R.
I told him that I loved A LOT of the kissing, pinching, teasing etc. But to keep it not too much...I'd appreicate him more that way. He totally accepted it, understood it etc.
He knew what I was saying was not rejecting him...although if he went by his "feeling" rather than his "gut"....he may have reacted immaturely. I think GREAT R have mature love...so to speak.
Anyway, perhaps it was that we were in the place in our R that I strive to be in ALL the time. Secure, mature, listening. Had I brought it up at the wrong time I'm sure I would have said it in a way that he couldn't hear, as well as if I did say it right maybe he wouldn't hear.
I've been in places like you. Best thing might be to just let him know you love him. Do what speaks that to him. Then leave it alone and treat him with kindness, courtesy, friendship, humor and love.
I think that these growth things in our R are really just personal growth issues of our own! Getting secure, not being so defenisve and taking things personally. Those are my personal traps that mess up my R.
Thank you for the post. I am flattered at your words. I hope at another time you can repeat these words and add I am good at achieving my goals we will see.
I think my word processor and its spelling and grammer correction features are at the downfall of my sixth goal. I have adapted the behavior of opening a second screen and using dictionary.com to go along with my writting. Any words that do not look normal to me I just pop in and it gives me a list of words that might have been what I had entended to type. I also use this feature to find different words that have the same basic meaning but may be better suited to clarify what I am trying to get accross.
Chrissy: I think it's great that you were able to share your post with your H. His reaction to the words is not your responsibility. He needs to deal with your very reasonable request to dial it down a couple of notches.
One of my W's complaints is that, if she ever did try to "meet my needs," I would start expecting ML more and more often. It's called the "moving target" problem, and she comes up with the, "I'll never make you happy, so why even try?" response.
All you can do is clearly and honestly let your H know what your feelings are about this issue; let him know what turns you on, and what turns you off; and hope he understands.
Again I acknowledge how alike at times your wife and myself seem to be. If we were in a horse race I feel I would be a few lengths ahead of her but I do feel we are both in the same race. Again my H has problems with moderation and I am at least aware of this. It is not only with this issue. He over eats because he likes food. And if he likes a certian food he will really over indulge in it. He likes to fish so wants to fish often. He likes to watch tv so he takes form of a couch potatoe ect. Recently my H and I were eating dinner I had made him burritos and tacos. I made his plate and filled it up. He ate it then got up and proceded to fill it again. I made mention to the amount of food he was consuming he stated he was a really hungry boy. I pointed out he was not hungry he liked the taste and was continuing to eat based on that fact alone. He thought about it as he was eating he must have found truth to what I was saying he only ate a portion of the second helping. Since that day he has been only eating what it requires for him to be full and not eat for just the taste. He has lost 20 pounds. I did not tell him not to eat period just that moderation was needed and he saw that and understood that to meet his goal of losing weight that this was important. I just wish he could also see I am not telling him to not touch me but to do it in moderation so the goal of us both being satisfied with the experience is acheived.
You've been more open to being sexual with him (the shower scene) and perhaps he thought you wanted more of everything.
It's a delicate balance, for sure.
The HD person has a tendency to smother, and the LD person has a tendency to distance.
Is he like my H and needs concrete amounts to know how much is too much? Cause he can't read your mind and trying to go off body language is impossible. Perhaps you could use some positive reinforcement when you see him trying to give you your space? "Honey, thanks for giving me some space this afternoon..now come here and let me give you a hug!" etc. That would be a way to let him know when he is doing it right and give him something to build off of.
Maybe the next time I will get it right.