My H and I have been putting our M back together for a year now. One of our issues was a SSM. Kids, jobs, stress, etc... came along. My once HD H is now a LD H. I'm not sure I get it. I know depression lowers SD. I have tried to return to the way we use to be. That is spontaneous, hot, S. I bought new sexy lingerie and lost 30lbs. Feeling good about myself these days until my H falls asleep in the chair by 9:30. We still have to wait until the kids go to bed but sometimes lock ourselves in our room, (one day the closet) when the kids are preoccupied. We used to have great S. I know age has a lot to do with SD. Can a male that had a really HD become LD just solely on age? My H is only 35. My H and I went through a terrible time last year and on the verge of a D. My H had an EA( still not convinced there was not a PA too). When I get dressed up and practically throw myself at him, and he falls asleep, it only makes me think that the he isn't over the OW. I know there is no contact. I unforntunately still snoop sometimes. He comes home when he is supposed to and it seems that she is completely, physically gone. My H's sudden change in D still makes me wonder if I will ever make him happy again or if he will ever look at me the way he used to. This is one piece of my M that still needs a lot of work.
Advice from any guys or women that have had this experience would be very helpful. You can read my ugly story from the thread below.
He is probably still reeling from everything. He made some collossally bad choices and I'm sure there is a good deal of guilt. (that is, if the affair is over, like you said)
In addition to that, if you were the LD partner, he would have no reason to believe that your changes are real. He would naturally think you were doing this to "win him back" and that it would go back to the way it was as soon as he gets used to it.
I will let you in on an HD person's nightmare: Your spouse makes changes and learns to like sex with you. You cautiously take your guard down and begin to enjoy it. The floodgates open up and you find yourself in love with your partner as you haven't been for years. Then, it disappears as suddenly as it came and they no longer want you. The pain is intense--your heart is broken.
You are feeling a little of this now..the heartbreak that comes from rejection.
However, you wanna know my gut feeling? I don't think it's about the above scenario, though that might play into it.
I think he's still processing the affair and running the gamut of emotions that comes from that.
Baaabs: 35 is, IMO, too young for age to be playing a part in his drive. It is not too young for health issues to be playing a part, and I include the taking of certain medications that can affect a man's libido in those "health issues."
Sounds more to me like he's got something going on in his head that's affecting his drive. HP is right; it could be related to the EA. I don't have the time right now to review your postings, but were there multiple times where you turned him down, or perhaps didn't touch him for days? I know that this has affected my drive. He could be filled with resentment.
I cannot say that I was originally the LD partner. In the beginning and for a long time, b4 kids, we were equally HD. It was amazing. Like many relationships, this changes over time. Kids, jobs, and just plain busy lives interfered with our time together. We had 3 kids in 3 years so there was a lot of quality time that went away. Then H became a Police Officer and began working 3rd, then 2nd shift. Family time and quality time was lost all together. I resented him not being home. I was heavier than I had ever been and this took a toll on my self esteem and confidence. Never in a million years did I think of an A. I truly believe that the A is over. I know I am not suppose to snoop but I do for piece of mind. I am pretty confident that the A is gone. What I am not confident about is how much H thinks about it and what triggers his memories the most. Unfortunately, my kids tend to bring up OW because she watched them for a year. I can't make them stop talking about her but change the subject quickly. There are certain songs that were out last summer and they make me think of her then I think that surely they make my H think of her. This is the hardest part for me. That is know that someone else had a special place in my H's heart, post marriage.
Even though this was an extremely painful experience, I know deep in my heart that it was a wakeup call for both of us. I know my H is trying and we are piecing our marriage and life back together. We have a better relationship than we have had in several years and the attraction is beginning to come back along with passion. It's just not like it use to be. You could be right that he is just cautious and expecting it to crumble. I did not have an A but I hurt my H in other ways by talking about a D and pushing him away. I also agree with you about the guilt. I can honestly see that he is sorry and if I know him as well as I think I do, he is kicking himself, wondering how he could let something like this happen. I have followed all the DB rules and when I feel bad and think that he is thinking about the A, I back off and do something on my own. My H tends to come looking for me then. I was shocked today. He called from worked and didn't say anything. He played Stevie Wonder's "I just called to say I love you" in the phone. This is something he did a very long time ago. I was actually crying because it made me so happy. I'm a little worried that my H is depressed and this is causing him to have a LD. He is too stubborn to admit a problem and talk to anyone about it and I hope it doesn't get worse. I guess patience is still a virtue and it has only been a year since all the bad stuff happened. I should be happy that we made this much progess I suppose. Thanks for the advice.
I agree that 35 is too young and there is stuff going on inside his head about the A. I do believe that it is over but wonder how much he thinks about it. I know that my kids sometimes mention OW because she was our Nanny. They are young and do not really know what happened. I change the subject quickly but it doesn't matter, the mention of her name surely sparks a memory. Certain songs remind me of last summer and I'm sure they remind H too. I know communication is key and we talk more than we have in a while but the touchy stuff is still hard. My H is like a clam. We used to share intimate conversations and it's really hard to do this now. I also agree with you about the resentments. In one of our ugly conversations last year, H said that eventually you resent and the resentment turns to hate. I know he was hurt by me in many ways and the wall is up and it's strong. Thanks for the advice.
