In the process of divorce

[kaydeekay]

I've been on the Infedility board, but sadly I have to move over to this board.

My sitch:
M: 40
H: 34
D11
M: 11 years
OW

I don't know how to add my old thread but it's listed under the Infedility board under "H is confused."

H and I married for 11 1/2 years, together for 13 1/2 years. We originally S in October 2004. He moved back in the home four different times since then with the last move in May. H involved with OW since November of 2004. Found out about OW (who he worked with) in March. Since April he was moving back and forth between our home and the OW's home (whom he signed a lease with). I did a great job (at least I thought) of DBing, GAL, being attentative to him and everything. Maybe was too nice and let him treat me like a doormat. He said all the right things, I love you, I want to work on our M, I'm through with OW, blah, blah, blah.

Around the end of June, H lost job (OW had a hand in that and told all kinds of lies on him). He said he was through with OW but still had feelings for her and that he still loved her. He snuck off to OW's house to talk to her about what she had done to him about his firing. I got fed up with him sneaking off so I went to OW's house to confront him. He told OW that he still loved her but he wanted to work on our marriage. She got mad and made him leave, but in the process of being mad she scratched him on the neck and punched him in the face. The next day he retaliated and destroyed some petty items that she had on her porch. She files a restraining order against him. But this idiot H of mine still wanted to be with her!!!

H tells me on July 6 that he wants to move forward with the diovrce. I was not emotional and I told him okay. He moves out a couple of days later. A week later the OW drops the restraining order on H.

H files for divorce on Monday. Today he gives me the divorce petition today and wanted me to sign a waiver saying I agreed with the petition. What he doesn't know is that I filed a cross petition on his petition today. (I went to the courthouse on Monday to get a copy and gave it to my atty who drew up the cross petition).

I feel like sh!t right now. I knew he filed because he told me and showed me his copies of the petition on Monday. I want to move on with my life, but I still want my old H back; not the selfish man he is today. He is so cold and impersonal with me now.

Can someone give any advice on how to get through this? Has anyone had the divorce filed but then the WAS decides that they want to work on their M? Or should I just give up all hope that my H may change his mind and not want the divorce?

[hope33]

kaydeekay,
Sorry to hear about your situation. You sound as if you are dealing with the situation in the best way possible. Be very proud of that.

I'm not going to knock Dbing, because it gives us all some really pratical relationship advice. The only problem I see is the message is being delivered too late to save many relationships. I've been Dbing about a year. If I had started about 3 years ago, I might still have a relationship, but 3 years ago I didn't know we were in trouble. Anyway, to answer your question very few folks are getting back together. But using the tools is enabling us to live better, happier more fullfilling lives. As far as the relationship goes, we are leaving the door open by keeping a PMA towards ourselves and X's. I know that if I took a bad attitude towards her it would only hurt our boys. I will not do that, this whole thing has hurt them enough.
It is extremely difficult to keep a PMA knowing that there is another person involved. But, there's really nothing we can do about that. I have maintained a kind of friendship with her. Without the Dbing, that probably would not have happened.
Hang in there, and stay on that high road.

By the way, sooner or cowboy?

[kaydeekay]

Thanks Hope. I'm feeling a little better today, sometimes I just have to vent and have a good cry.

To answer your question...Sooners of course!!!

[dogma]

Welcome,

We are here for you to vent and cry; a great place to do so. Helped us all survive.

As Hope said, maybe if we knew we were in trouble, we could have done all the right things to save our M, but we did not.

Now we have to save ourselves and our sanity. I do think having a DB attitude has allowed many of us to maintain positive contact with XS. Will this someday lead them back to us? Probably not. But if we are hostile and angry and negative we can guarantee the results and in all honesty, what good does it do to be negative to the person we love and want to be with?

But right now, it is about your survival and getting through each day.

And stop by whenever to vent, cry, yell, whatever.

[Just_Me]

Can someone give any advice on how to get through this? Has anyone had the divorce filed but then the WAS decides that they want to work on their M? Or should I just give up all hope that my H may change his mind and not want the divorce?

How to get through this? You can only look after yourself, be as positive as possible, and as strong as you can be. Your H is going to do what he is going to do. The only way you can hope to change his mind is by being an attractive alternative to divorce.

As far as anyone stopping the divorce there isn't any here that I know of. But does the divorce mean that you are done? Does that piece of paper say that there is no hope for getting back together? Perhaps if you carry the positives forward then there is hope after divorce. There are a number of those stories floating around where people got remarried and that includes people that didn't DB. It probably depends on the extent of the damage and how well you are able to show your H what a wonderful person you are.

Perhaps it might help to think now that divorce isn't the end all so you don't have to stress so much that it is over the minute a judge signs off on the D. It's just a step on an already difficult road.