CeMar, according to the Roman Catholic Church, masturbation is a sin for both sexes. It is also a sin for a man to intentionally ejaculate any place except in his wife's vagina. Period.
Cemar: Have you ever been tested for ADHD? I mean no offense by that, but seriously I've told you the answer to your question at least 3 times. I know you skim these boards and all, but sheesh! If you were my friend IRL, I'd say How many times do I have to tell ya!
We are Roman Catholic and our religion states that masturbation is a no-no. All sexual energies are to go from husband to wife and vice versa. The biblical source for this comes from the story of Onan.
This may sound ridiculous to you, but lemme tell ya something. I have never been so dedicated to fixing my marriage since I stopped doing it! LOL It really makes me focused on the task at hand--I have no other outlet.
MrH would not explode without mb. He gets sexual release at least twice a week, with 3 times being the goal. So no I am not surprised in the least that he is not tempted to mb.
However, even when I was postpartum and it was going on 3 weeks, he was horny sure, but not freaking out. He is very much in control of his bodily urges.
Though this last Wednesday was his day to fast and he was having a helluva time. ?? He fasts as part of an organization called E5, after Ephesians 5, which I believe starts out "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church." Anyway, he offers up this fasting in my behalf every month. I find it very sweet. This past time he was having a hard time of it and saying, I was so into it at first...gee, I guess that's how I am with everything regarding you!
I know he didn't mean anything hurtful but it still stung!
Yeah Lil, I would have been very hurt by it had he not proceeded to rip on himself for a good 5 minutes. He is very good--even better than I am, lol--at pointing out his flaws.
He described himself as a person who has to dig a hole in a flowerpot to plant a flower. But instead of doing that, he ends up digging a hole big enough to be a foundation hole for a new house. But along the way he gets tired and pissy and frustrated with how much work it is, but never stops to think, Hey! All I needed to do was plant a tiny little flower..why IS this hole so big?
I thought that was a good description of him.
However, I told him at the end of this diatribe that I loved his insights into himself but at this point I need a little less talk and a lot more action! He thought that was funny.
Have you ever read "How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life" by Dagmar O'Connor? It is an oldie but it has very good advice. This is from the back of the book:
Here are the techniques, exercises, and settings which can keep the adventure and seduction (and even a delicious touch of illicitness) in your relationship--to make committed sex the best sex there is.
Why home can be the unsexiest place in the world--and what to do about it.
How to deal with "I'm in the mood for sex, why aren't you?"
How "sexing out" instead of dining out can be the answer.
How to "Unmommy" your wife and "Undaddy your husband.
Why the "sexual seesaw" is the most dangerous marital game.
How to think like a teenager--even if you're middle aged.
How to turn your spouse into your Dream Lover.
How to resist temptation and bring that sexual tingling back home.
You can get this book used at half.com or Amazon for about $7.
H had an amazing memory for how many days, hours, etc since we last ML. Truly, I just didn't think about it. I had everything else on my calendar, PTA, soccer, FlyLady zones, lunch with friends. I guess I should have been putting ML with H on the calendar. I actully think "scheduling" would have worked with me. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just didn't think of it. Once I got going I was good, but turning to me and saying, "wanna do it?" didn't make sense to me.
He could ignore me all day, sit in his chair all night, but when it came to bedtime, he wanted me? I need a little priming, ya know?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
My bf also has a distorted memory of when we last ML. Once in the counselor's office, he said that it had been a couple of months. I pointed out that it had been closer to a year. It's not that I remember to the day and to the hour... but for instance, it's easy to remember the last time we ML becasue it was when we were visiting my stepson in Seattle for Christmas. That was eight months ago. Shortly after we got back home, I bought new 300-thread count sheets for my bed and we have NOT broken them in yet. Not hard to pinpoint the event when it happens so seldom.
How I wish my bf spontaneously wanted me at the end of the day with no priming as you complain about your H! <sigh> Life's ironies!
I am at a weird space, pulling back from H, just completely out of steam. I am physically horny, when he's not around, but lose my mojo as soon as I see him.
I am simply tired. That's it in a nutshell.
I cannot believe I've spent the last 3 years trying to get a spark back in my marriage.
In so many ways, I feel that I am to blame. Which is going to sound strange, but it's true. I think that I have just pushed him too far. I had one too many sex discussions and he checked out on me. I think if I had handled this differently, from day one, that I would not be sitting here typing to anonymous but good friends. I was angry and resentful and wanted to not only resurrect my sex life, but punish him in the process. This drove him away and he withholds what he knows I want, just cause I want it. This is NOT a bash on MrH, hell we all do this. It is human nature when someone is pushing pushing pushing you to do something--to resist.
We are getting along fabulously but the sexual spark aint there.
He even got out our honeymoon pictures and some love letters I wrote him to "reminisce". (I guess he's feeling desperate I don't know) I didn't even want to look at them. I tried not to let the disgust show--and I pulled it off, thankyouverymuch--but all I could think about when viewing them was "There was a girl in love, confident, happy with the world and herself."
He had taken pictures of me in various forms of undress and I REALLY couldn't look at those.
I am not giving up entirely, I am just in a bad place, I suppose. I am really tired of policing this whole business. I think it's finally sinking in that I can't make him desire me, or show me what desire he does possess. Duh! I feel content but there is a hole, for sure.
I'm sure we'll reconnect soon, but I feel myself distancing from the Relationship Caretaker position that I've held for, well, for as long as we've been married! I remember when Corri went through this and there was precious little we could say to her except, Aw Corri you've done so much work...don't stop now!
I want to reiterate that we are not fighting, or anything of the sort. I have just pulled back. He has not attempted to meet my needs or to give any weight to my requests, so what else could I do. To continue to stick my neck out and hope that he will would only result in tons of resentment and anger. So I am distancing myself.
We leave on vacation for two weeks on Friday. I'm sure the time away will do us good.
I hope this message doesn't come across as a total downer..that is not where I'm at, mentally. We are excited about our vacation and enjoying our lives together but there is no spark and there is no longer any true or meaningful hope (on my end) that we will be able to pull it off.
Our relationship is so much better than it was. I feel so good for what we have been able to accomplish. I think I just pushed too damn hard on the sex stuff and I have extinguished whatever spark that was there. Perhaps he will regain his spark, now that I don't care anymore, but oh yeah, I don't care anymore! I just want peace and happiness and contentment. I have a good life (including occasional sex) and wonderful kids and a devoted husband.
HP, I know that space, and it sucks. Remember back a few months when I posted something like where did my libido go? Well, it is that same space you are in. I find myself kind of drifting in and out of that.
Hugs to you. I hope you can find the key out of this weird space, because I sure haven't. I reach that i don't care anymore state, figure i'll just find happiness in the non-sexual parts, and then she throws me a bone and gets my hopes up.
BTW, the short visit this weekend to your state was enjoyable. Coming home...well, I haven't felt like I was missed at all. She's being grouchy, barely acknowledged when I got in last night, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. She says it is nothing I did or didn't do, and darned if I can figure it out. I'm ready to take another vacation, except work is piled too deep now. Worst part is I missed her terribly and couldn't wait to get home, only to get a lukewarm at best reception.
