I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW

[Burgbud]

Okay, I need to back up a little from my previous post.

I read H's comments as indicating he wanted his breakup with Ow to be friendly, not that he wanted her to remain in his life as a friend. If he wants to keep in contact with her while working to try and heal your M, that's a problem.

[KimDownUnder]

O.K. guys thankyou all for your honesty and comments I really appreciate them. Now let me see if I can explain what and why H said he needed to make it friends only with OW. My H works at a Hospital and OW works in the kitchen. H is a Senior Orderley and when "In Charge" is in charge of the other Orderley's, the Cleaner's and Kitchen girls, therefore he has to work with all of these people and has been friends with alot of them for 11yrs. Now alot of these people are OW's friends as well even one or two are her best friends. So H says it would be very difficult working with them if he and OW weren't civil. That is why he wants the "Friends" thing with her. Now this doesn't sit all that well with me as him and OW being work friends is how this whole thing turned into more and caused my problems in the first place. My question is this, do I apply pressure now about him and her being friends, and ask does he still expect to see her as a friend outside of work, or do I just wait and see what happens for the moment and tackle it when he comes home. I don't want to put pressure on him as I am seeing some real positives and can see him coming back to me and don't want to do anything that will make him run back the other way. I just don't know which way is the best way to handle it but I know it will need to be discussed at some point before we can move on at working on our M, so I am open to advice, or opinions on the best way to handle this.
Now H is working for my company today as he used to do work here one or two days a week for extra $ when we were married on his days off and has not been doing this since we split as it would have been too hard on me. My boss approached me about him working here to help us out as we need it and I said I had no problem with it. So H turned up today, walked in said hi planted a big kiss on my lips and asked how I was, to which I said yeah fine and you and he said not too bad then gave me another big cuddle and kiss and then we went off to make coffee (Nobody else was in yet). Once we made coffee he walked past me and kissed me again and I said god I have missed you and he said I am missing you too now and I said, that's nice to hear. He said I know and I said it's O.K. I can handle it, it's just hard waiting for you, imagine if you were in my position and he said yeah I know, it would be hard, I am trying I just haven't had the opening I need yet, but then again I haven't seen her that much as I have been on night shift. I said yeah I understand, don't worry I will have patience, it's just that its so close and I can't ring you or see you so it's difficult but I will be fine if it means we can sort our M out I will have patience. He said I know it's hard for you and I will do my best to get it done and it will be good when we can be together again and with that gave me a big kiss and a playful smack on the butt and said come on give me my work, I better get going...He has to work on the road.....So there you have our latest interaction....It is very hard but I don't know what else I am meant to do at the moment other than being understanding, patient, happy and kind everytime I see him. I am not pursuing as I don't ring him or message him, I am leaving all contact to him and I try not to bring up OW and only speak about her if he brings her up and even then only if I have to.....Opinions please as what you all wrote b4 is true, i just need a bit more guidance on which tact to take. I know this could all blow up in my face, which I hope it doesn't but it is in my head as there is a 3rd person involved and who knows what impact she will have......Advice please....KDU
DMF I might look into getting a copy of that book this weekend, I think I need it....
Love to all of you, you keep me levelled.....

[heatherg]

Hi Kim, my name's Heather, I've read a couple of your posts, your most recent sparked a couple of thoughts. I wouldn't call what I have to say advice, but maybe just thoughts that the others can comment on because I've never been in your situation the way they have. But here's what I was thinking: When you get into a new R with someone (which hopefully this is with your H, a new R, right?) you have to let them see the real you. You can't pretend to love baseball just b/c you know they love it. You can try really hard to appreciate it, but you have to be honest with them and let them know that it takes an effort on your part to appreciate it. If you give up parts of yourself in the beginning to make them like you or be who you think they want you to be, that makes no one happy in the end.
My point is, do you think that not expressing what you truly need from your H at this point is sort of like that? I know you don't want to push him toward OW and that this is sort of a delicate balance here, but he's expressed he wants to be back with you. So, now in order to do that, you have to tell him honestly what you need from him. Don't stifle yourself b/c you need to walk on eggshells for fear he'll go running back to OW. That is no way to live your life and is a fear you could have to live with forever if you don't face it now and let him prove to you that it is you he wants. I think part of the hesitation to tell him what you need is the fear that he won't want to give it. Like he's saying he wants to come back, but if he realizes he can't just waltz right back where things left off for the two of you, once he realizes there will be work involved, he'll change his mind. That's his right. But you owe it to yourself to be honest about what you need. You didn't go through all of this and learn all of these things about life and about yourself so you could forget it all as soon as he says he wants to come home did you?
Good luck, it sounds like it might be what you've been waiting for.

[yoyogirl]

Kim - Don't think he is ready to sever all ties with OW. I heard Dodger mentioning that if he is commited to the M, he would be begging and all. But from what I see in your sitch (and mine), I don't think we can lay out the cards on what we want yet. Telling him that he can't be with friends with OW if he moves in and all...mmmm I don't know how he will take it. I suppose we can tell them that we've read somewhere blah blah blah...that it would take healing of a M more difficult if there is still contact with OW, and leave it at that. I think the sitch is soooo fragile not that we just cannot DEMAND them to do things that we want. I guessed we just have to continue to be as we are for the last few months... being positive and NOT pursuing and let them come to us. I am saying this for myself too and I hope I will HEAR my own advice to you.

[KimDownUnder]

Thanks Heather and Yoyo I have listened to what both of you have said and I find myself agreeing with both of you. So I will reserve my judgement for now and wait for a few more to have their say.....KDK, Hellkat, DMF, NYS & BB your advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated...

[muffins]

I think you are doing a great job in the patience department. I had an EXTREMELY hard time after i found out about AW. I threatened suicide and everything and his AW relationship that was already over resumed because of it. We were only married 3 1/2 years with a baby, we are just doomed. .... if he can do this so early in our relationship i don't know if we stand a chance....please somebody help

[VJ39]

KDU - not sure that I have great advice, since I am fairly new here, but I would say that you have a huge positive in front of you, and if you let yourself lay all your demands on the table, you might scare your H to back away. There will be a time and a place to tell him what you need in order to heal, but at the time he does come home, I think you need to have yourselves a bit of a honeymoon time, as long as you both understand you will be working through this for many years.

For what it's worth, my M went through an EA 8 yrs ago (almost 9 now) and we recovered, had another 7+ very happy years together, and then it all blew up again. In hindsight, while we did recover from his EA and for all those years we were happy, what we didn't deal with was that my H felt guilty, I forgave but he never quite forgave himself. Also, he didn't understand that I could forgive, but my feelings were not yet healed, and I needed reassurance from him time after time that he was recommitted to our M. So he would get resentful of my insecurities, thinking that meant I was still holding his EA against him, when actually it was just that my trust hadn't been totally restored - it takes time. I would say we quit our counseling too soon after we got back together that time. We were in honeymoon phase and thought we had it all together, but when this happens in M there will be little ripples of aftershock for years to come - just be prepared for that. Good luck - you have a lot to be thankful for, and I truly believe this can turn out to be all you are hoping for!
I haven't read this book yet, but it was highly recommended to me (and this was featured on Oprah once, it was a good show)..."Back from Betrayal" by Marianne Williamson. And there is one called "After the Affair" that I have seen mentioned as a good resource. If I see any signs my H is coming around this time, I plan to be prepared!

[heatherg]

I think the sitch is soooo fragile not that we just cannot DEMAND them to do things that we want.

I agree. But making demands and letting him know by actions and statements here and there that are made very calmly are two different things. I totally agree with Yoyo that you should make sure he is the pursuer. I would keep my gratitude and excitement in my own mind and let him see only that it's his decision and while you're pleased with his new attitude and actions, you'll be fine either way. Eventually he'll probably ask *you* why you're not as excited as he'd hoped you'd be or something along those lines. Then you can use that opportunity to give him just a *little* bit of your thoughts/needs. A little at a time and if you play it right, it will be him who asks you every time. Then you're only responding to his questions and not making demands. That would be my strategy.

[glj]

Hi KDU

Dont seem to have any advice for you as you've gotten a lot of advice from all spectrums. Just be careful and go slow, you dont want to get disappointed again.

I am a little weary of your H wanting to still be friends with OW, even if its just b/c they work together. That's absolutely got to be the worst...when the A originated at the workplace. Just be careful, and keep yourself a little guarded.

glj

[SweetRedd]

Hi KDU,

I haven't posted much, but have followed your sitch for awhile. You have gotten some good advice to take things easy and to guard your heart. From my experience, having issued an ultimatum to my WAH, be very careful. My ultimatum caused him to come back out of insecurity of losing me as an option when he knew he wasn't ready to commit and break things off with OW. We "pretended" to be on the right track for a couple of weeks before I found out that he hadn't stopped seeing her. That first time he came back, I felt very hopeful for us. Since the second time he left saying "I won't give up my friendship with her, because you are just trying to control what I do and who I see!", it is VERY hard to get past that and trust him now, but at least he's committed this time! It wasn't until HE was the one who noticed me GAL and started to really make HIS choice that he let go and came home to commit. It wasn't until I said "you know what, I love you, but I can't do this alone. I'm here for you, but I won't put my life on hold for you. I can't build a M with someone between us, and I won't. It's your decision, your decision entirely... I'm not shutting a door, but I'm not leaving it open indefinately either. I don't know the time frame Im talking about, but I have my limit. If you come back and want me and that door is open, good for you, if it's not, then you'll have to deal with that too. In the meantime, I'm going to be happy.. if you want to be the one who makes me happy, it's going to take a commitment and a lot of work... with or without you.. I'm going to be happy and secure." It was an ultimatum, but it wasn't.. it was open ended and he started to worry and search his heart. I started showing him that I meant it by not being on his string, I never asked what he wanted again. He had to TELL ME and ASK ME to join him in recommiting to our M. If the decision had been any other way, it would have always equalled me controlling him.

I'm no expert, but if you have to issue an ultimatum for your sanity, mean it... for your own protection. I hope you have thought about it and are satisfied that he has met the conditions of your ultimatum. If you're not sure, go back and read your posts, and then read the post about what he said he would do. Is that the outcome you were looking for? or is it just the half-way mark? Is it just another way of being strung along without getting the result you needed? Is it just his way of keeping YOU from making the decision to move on without him because he can't commit right now? It just sounds to me that he got uncomfortable with the thought of losing you.. thought about it for awhile.. thinks he should probably get back together with you and knows that he had to do something (based on the times you asked him if he had made his decision), so he "kinda" made a decision and is hoping that will keep you available for awhile longer. Go back to your original post and look at what you asked him for. Have you gotten that? Have you gotten a definitive commitment to that or another promise of "in the future". Like I say, I'm no expert, but I know a thing about letting my H manipulate me into accepting less than I deserve.

You are such a sweet person. I can hear the love for your H in all of your posts. I'm so happy for you that he has given you hope for a future with him. Just please make sure to protect yourself and make sure that HE means it!