I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW

[KimDownUnder]

Thanks YoYo and I took your advice and stuck to my guns and well here is my update.......
Friday night H rings to say he will drop T.V. off in the morning, I said yep fine just give me a time so I can make sure I am home, H about 11am. O.K. fine I said. H then said where are you and I said out at the pub with friends and he said Oh who with and I said nobody you know and H said O.K. well have a good night and I said thankyou already am will see you tomorrow bye......(Was out with one girlfriend who he does know but didn't see need to tell him)
Saturday H turns up early about 10.15 with T.V. and helps me put it in wall unit. He then says do you mind if I grab a coffee. I said no that's fine and he asked me if I wanted one and made them both. We sat at the Kitchen table and H said it's nice to sit and chat like this and I said yes it is and that's all I have wanted although I prefer it for sons benefit (Son wasn't at home at the time) H said look I know I made a big mistake on my birthday by letting OW say I couldn't come it hurt me alot as I really wanted to come. I said Look H I've told you before you have to make your own decisions based on what you want not what you think you should do. Isn't one of the things you said was wrong about me that I didn't take your decisions seriously. He said Yes. I said well that's all I am trying to do when you make a decision I am just living with it. H said well I made the wrong one and I am going to talk with OW and tell her that I am not happy with the ban on me being with you and kids at your house and that it is affecting the kids any myself and nobody else. I said to H look I know it puts you in a bad position but if that's what you believe and what you feel then maybe a chat with her is for the best. I know you don't want someone dictating to you how you will lead your life and he said no I don't want that. We then proceeded to talk about petty stuff and he stayed until about 1pm so that was 2 and a half hours???????
Then Sunday morning b4 sons footy he turns up for a coffee and hour b4 we had to leave. We just chatted nicely and that was it....
Today he has rung me at work over some petty thing and I did say I am glad our friendship is back on track and he said yeah well that because she doesn't know how much I am talking to you and I said look I don't need any details I am just glad we are getting along and he said yeah so am I but I will have that talk with her soon. He has made some very light references to sex so I can see it will come over the next few weeks where he will want to jump in the sack with me again.......Don't know at the moment what I will do we will have to see where my head is at when that time arrives......So that's my update, it's very up and down at the moment....KDU

[Angelwings]

Hi KDU
Wow you are sure sticking it out....good for you!!!! So calm, probably driving him nuts. I am now following you up that mountain I have put H on last resort or should i say after the last resort technique. It actually doesn't feel that bad...so maybe it is time for me. Don't think i would ever trust him again as he lies about EVERYTHING right down to having the flu. I was talking to a stranger (man) at bookstore friday night (in relationship section and we started up a convo and were there talking for 4 hours)Never closed down a bookstore before He asked me a few questions and one that has really stuck is: can i live my life everyday wondering if H is happy enough everyday with us and our marriage to not look for OW again. He said what if you have a disagreement and he leaves mad or upset will I worry all day long if that will make him stray???!!! Some of the things he asked have really made me think about my life for the future....Anyway sorry for the hijack got carried away. I'm glad you are having a few baby steps in a good direction again!!

Talk to you later,
Angelwings

[yoyogirl]

hee hee hee...Yes, I can see s@x in the horizon too!

[KimDownUnder]

Hey Angel not worried about hijacking its cool. Yoyo yeah I can see it coming too but what to do oh well we will see when the time comes, just playing it cool at the moment as I got him past this point once b4 and blew it remember......KDU

[Burgbud]

Hey KDU,

You seem to be doing a great job of holding an excellent mindset so congratulations! You probably already know this, but a situation where you're giving H plenty of space and no pressure while Ow is starting to put the screws to him is almost ideal. Well, "ideal" isn't the right word for any of our sitches around here, but you know what I mean.

Depending on how things go, you may be in a position to do what a book I was reading calls the "loving takeaway". A takeaway is what advertisers do when they have a sale THIS WEEKEND ONLY!!!, or offer you something extra if you CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES!!! The idea to get someone to do what they're already thinking about doing because they don't want to miss out.

In our sitches it would work various ways. One would be to say, "I'd like to get together with you this weekend and take the kids to a movie, but my friends are planning a party and I need to tell them tomorrow whether I'm going or not." Or, "Do you want to go out this weekend? I feel like I'm ready to start dating again. (implying you might start dating other people)" Or even, "If you're confused about your feelings, would spending less time around me help sort them out?" The last one seems backwards, but you're still offering a takeaway. The most important thing about any of these is that you really mean what you say; if you put a takeaway out there and they take you up on it, you'll lose all credibility if you back down.

At any rate, the takeway isn't something you want to rush into, but when the time is right it's a great motivator in a case like yours where the Ow is pushing way harder than you are.

Good luck!

[NYsurvivor]

The "loving takeaway", from Dr. Blase Harris' book, which is what I think is being referenced, is the step taken when you've been working on your sitch for a while but there hasn't been any progress, and basically it's that you're letting your X know, by your actions, that they are not high on your priority list, that is, you don't make yourself all that available for them. It's done with lots of love.

It's really the same thing as going somewhat dark.

The other thing about Harris' "loving takeaway" is that it follows after one has been doing the other things he suggests in the book, which is GAL, not pursue, detach, and to build repeated positive moments/contacts with one's X, from which enough time has elapsed and still the X doesn't come back.

So, according to Dr. Harris, the loving takeaway is not done if one has not been building many positive moments, has not GAL, has not detached, or has been backsliding. It wouldn't be effective.

[NYsurvivor]

He asked me a few questions and one that has really stuck is: can i live my life everyday wondering if H is happy enough everyday with us and our marriage to not look for OW again. He said what if you have a disagreement and he leaves mad or upset will I worry all day long if that will make him stray???!!!

Maybe he's bitter and his advice is a bit tainted...

because I tend to think: let's say you reconcile. Start rebuilding trust, things are going well, when you hit a snag, you're there for each other, applying new methods of working things out, it's working well. In other words, things have changed, it's not like it is now.

So one day you have a spat. Do you really think that your partner will leap back to the OW over that at that point, or would you have more confidence that you two are better equipped to overcome whatever caused that argument and are more dedicated to doing that then going back to the way things were, and will work it out?

On the other hand, if in that day your relationship is still so shaky that one argument sends your partner into someone else's arms, then you have the option of ending it.

[Burgbud]

Maybe he's bitter and his advice is a bit tainted...

Indeed. When he said can i live my life everyday wondering if H is happy enough everyday with us and our marriage to not look for OW again , my thought was, if you're wondering every day if H is happy enough to not look for OW again, maybe the problem is with *you*. Nobody who's thinking like that should just let their spouse back. The spouse has to earn their way back, at least a little bit, so both partners are happy with the R. Otherwise, keep working on the R at arm's length, and see if it can get back to a healthy, wonderful place.

I don't think anybody here is planning on reuniting with their spouse if we have to worry about their fidelity every day, are we?

[Burgbud]

So, according to Dr. Harris, the loving takeaway is not done if one has not been building many positive moments, has not GAL, has not detached, or has been backsliding. It wouldn't be effective.

This I agree with.

It's really the same thing as going somewhat dark.

This, not so much.

To me, going dark is something you do but the loving takeaway is something you offer to do. You try the LT when things have been generally positive but stagnant. It needs to be explicitly stated so the other person has a chance to consider the consequences of actually losing you, whether for a day, a weekend, a month or forever. But you want them to consider whether or not they want to lose you, not whether or not they want you back.

But that's just my opinion; I could be wrong. Cue Dennis Miller.

[KimDownUnder]

Hey burgbud - Thankyou for that suggestion. I don't know whether I am quite up to it yet as i am trying to keep my distance. (Alot easier said than done) I will certainly keep it in mind though for a little later. I need a few more signs from H first and then I may just do that offer him a Takeaway option. (Has a kind of ring to it doesn't it) Anyway thanks again and am about to cross to your thread to check it out.....see you over there....KDU