Wife has had numerous EA's over the course of our relationship (together 6.5 years & married 4 years). We have been trying to work on it, but she is totally infatuated with another man. We went on a short vacation to San Diego after 5 weeks of the bomb dropping on me. She has twice told me that she wanted to work on it. Yet, the whole time together she hasn't extended herself to me. I read her journal that she had been writing in and she talked about feeling no intimacy, told OM that we "weren't going to work, wanting to make love to him, and using me before she feels comfortable leaving.
My wife has had a pattern of falling in love with other men. Essentially four times she has had an EA that has gradually stepped up in level of contact. Now she wants to abandon us and go after this co-worker (they all have been co-workers, including myself). I have realized I need changes in my life, but I have always been open & honest to my wife. Always supported her in her decisions and actions. Never any physical or mental abuse. Never have I cheated. I always came home each night and even invited her to any function that I might attend alone.
I guess I feel that she may not be able to handle marriage and perhaps the EA's are a way of getting out? I made the move for divorce and am getting my own apartment next week. Since there are no kids, no house, married under 5 years, & low assets, we can file for a simple divorce. We talked yesterday about finances and she commented on my happiness. Specifically, how could I be so upbeat & chipper and that it was disturbing. I have been doing a bunch of 180's (being happy, not talking about relationship, pursuing goals) and she is noticing them. Also, financial reality is setting in that her life is going to have major changes (we were living with in-laws to save for house, now she is pretty much stuck there). So she was crying & upset yesterday.
I guess, even though I intend to file for divorce, I wonder if this is a sign of her turning around? Am I being too optomistic because I miss her so much? I could see us working in the future, but not now. I just can't take the lying and no love. Perhaps I am being inpatient? If someone could comment, I would really appreciate it. I definately need an affirmation of my actions or some insight as to what I can expect from her on her current course.
-Danny
Living together once again! Now trying to piece together a new life. Faith, hope, & patience... It will get you there.
I'm wondering why you have filed for divorce? It sounds like you don't really want one (since you miss your wife). The only good reason to file is if you are positive that you want to be divorced. Are you doing it to get her attention? My advice would be to slow down on filing. There's plenty of time for that.
It sounds like the 180s you are doing are doing a good job of that already.
How about making some goals?
Have you gotten some ideas of what she got from the EAs that was missing in your marriage? How can you start meeting those needs?
What can you expect? A roller coaster, so hold on tight. Soon your own ride will smooth out and her hills and valleys won't matter so much.
I haven't filed just yet for divorce, but I do intend to. I (28 years old) really am not doing this to get the attention of my wife (26 years old), but for myself. She has continually had EA's during our time together. I guess I can't deal with it anymore. She isn't a good communicator by her own admission. She feels she can't talk, so she chooses to write. Yet, she admitted in C session, that she hasn't even written to me either.
I guess it is the continual breaking of vows I can't take. She always drifts away then comes back to work on things, just to leave again. I know that I need to change, yet is this a sign of her trying to escape or her crying for attention?
For me, the last straw was us sitting having what should be a romantic dinner on the water's edge is San Diego at sunset. She tells me that she loves me like a wife loves her husband. Tells me that she wants to know if the apartment I'm getting now will be roomy enough for both of us. Later, we are writing in a book about our relationship and how we met. Yet, when I'm writing in the book, she is writing in her journal how much she misses the other man. How when she kisses me she can't wait for it to be over and how she would rather be kissing/making love to the other man. Straight lies to my face... how can I work on that? Yet... I miss her.
As for the goals, my apartment is the first. That should be completed next Friday. After that, I'm starting to workout with some co-workers at the company gym. After, I'm re-enrolling in school this upcoming semester. After that, focus on work and enjoy life.
Yes, ups & downs... just not sure if she really wants to make it happen.
-Danny
Living together once again! Now trying to piece together a new life. Faith, hope, & patience... It will get you there.
I agree with anna. Dont continue to hang D over W's head if you dont plan on following through with it. If you do intend to, then there is nothing more to discuss with this board. Being one of thousands on this board that are facing very real challenges of keeping our Ms together with the threat looming, I personally dont like to hear D being used as a weapon by anyone.
That said, If you have explained clearly to W why you are acting the way you are, and she continues to behave in the manner that yu have outlined, then let her know that you are staying at the apartment to work things out for yourself, and that you would appreciate it if she would limit contact with you for a while to figure out what she wants to do.
