Thought I'd start a thread that wasn't about us in general, but maybe some anectodal success stories or something else to inspire us. I'm actually not starting this thread with a success at saving the marriage...but of surviving a divorce and remaining whole. Feel free to post any successes you hear through the grapevine or other inspiration.
Hello All,
Quick lil hello and update on me... I was not sure where to post this, however this is my life after a divorce...
Life is gone well over the last 6 months since my new wife and I have been married (12/21/04). 2 major fights ending with both of us apologizing and laughing because of the goofiness of what we were fighting about...
I am self employeed and have learned to give my wife 1 hour after work with no phone, or interuptions each day. She appreciates the time I take to listen to her.
We have 2 lunch dates schedlued each month the 15th and last working day of the month. However I missed yesterdays due to car problems... I took her out today, (and gma is watching the baby so we can have a date!!) I try to do 2 lunches a week with my wife as a surprise.. However the "wow" factor has worn off, but she does appreciate me making the time each week.
Monday nights is family nights... We find something the three of us can do (son from previous relationship). We usally watch my nephew play baseball, with my son loves (son is 2 1/2).
My Grandfather passed away 4/27 at the age of 87. The strongest man I have ever known, and not one to give up on anything... Although he could barely read and dropped out of school in the 6th grade, no one could ever touch him. He did put the Fun in funeral (not trying to be morbid) We laughed at his service, cried, and I was greatful that I had the worlds best grandpa... It was a happy mourning of his life that was celebrated.
With that, my XW attened the calling hours. My w was not able to meet my xw since she was chasing our son. It was akward, however she had a genuine concern for my grandpa. I was glad she made it. She also brought her "friend" with her. I think it was a guy she has known for years who has had a crush on her for a long time as well. I am not sure of their realtionship and really dont care.
My current wife did say, "Well I guess I really dont have anything to worry about!" Then she kissed me, held my hand, and gently smiled at me. She was a blessing to have with me through that whole time. It was great to have her arms to hold me as I wept over my grandpa.
He passed so peacefully, I was greatful to be able to hold his hands as he took his last breath. He would have been 88 today... I so terribly miss him...
Besides that, life is good. My wife and I have commited to every 10 years to renew our vowels, and every day to renew our love. Some folks call it "honeymoonerites.." I call it never wanting her to feel like I dont want, love, or care for her.
I do not advocate giving up on your current marriage. It is my prayer that all marriages stay in tact. There came a time that I realized that my fantesy was not going to be a reality and took what I learned, changed the things I did not like, grabed a hold of Jesus, and came out Ok after all.
Work on you first, and everything else will be gravey!!!
Take care my friends... I wish you nothing but joy and happiness!
Your friend
WillWin
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Here's my own personal one for the day. My 1st wife just called telling me that the boys are at the waterpark if I want to pick them up there. And no, I didn't wonder whether she was hitting on me or whether it was a baby step. We did have a lengthy conversation about some enlarged nodes etc that her brother has and also our son has. Nothing of too much worry. Anyway, she spontaneously gave me the next two weekends in a row so I'm very happy about that. I have next week off so nine days in a row...whoo hoo. Now that's what I call a success story. And she was very gracious and good about it...she's usually such a turd. Maybe I'm a good DBer with her without consciously thinking about it. Ahhhh, the difficulties of life after divorce (I've been divorced from her since 1997). But I haven't looked back in years (I was the LBS that time also....think maybe there is something wrong with me?).
Okay...I'm going to get my kids now.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Now, you are pursuing your WAW, your WAW is pursuing you, you are also on the side pursuing this OW, and the OW seems interested in you, and then your XW is now pursuing you. This just gets curiouser and curiouser. Just try not to fall into a well....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
My 1st XW has no interest in pursuing me (or at least I doubt it), my second XW is too scared to pursue me. I am pursuing XW and only exploring my new single life with OW. I sense you think it's a bad idea to bring someone else into the mix. I question it also. I'm just living my life though...even if it is making it complicated. Here's the fresh inspirational message for the day...actually just advice from daily OM about conversations
Too often people disregard the need to show their conversational partner that their message has been comprehended. Or they only listen with half-hearted focus, also devoting attention to formulating a response... Using the mirroring technique during conversation by sending a feedback signal to your companion both lets them know they are being heard and shows that you are sincerely interested in their words. You do this by ensuring that you have heard those words correctly. Simply by saying, "What I heard you say is..." or repeating their statement but worded as a question, you emphasize partnership and remain centered within the conversation. If your original assessment is incorrect, you can then ask for clarification.
Practicing the mirroring technique teaches you how to really listen and experience the speaker's thoughts and feelings within the context of their perspective, even during tense or emotionally difficult conversations. Showing your comprehension of each individual point your partner has made helps you to devote your full attention to what is being communicated and proves to the speaker that his or her words are not going unheeded. In doing this, you put aside your own reactions until it is your turn to speak and to move past the word level of listening to the essence level.
Mirroring should take place in a comfortable, neutral setting, wherein both speakers will be able to feel accepted and free to express their feelings. The benefits come from focusing on comprehending the meaning of what has been said rather than indulging in expectations, relying on the unspoken, or hoping you have understood. Instead, the result is a nearly perfect understanding of your partner's viewpoint.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Some quotes: " It is not only "the slow but steady wins the race", but the slow, steady, and staying on course wins the race." - Colleen Spiegel
" Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal, a commitment to excellence, that will enable you to attain the success you seek." - author unknown.
" Adversity has it's own way in bringing out the best in people."- author unknown.
A poem: Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be. The last of life, for which the first was made.
Our times are in His hand Who saith 'A whole I planned, Youth shows but half, trust God, see all nor be afraid!
Robert Browning
And a story: Back in the good old days of 1941-42, I was enjoying going to an old country high school in the little community of East Mountain located in the Piney Woods of East Texas. Yes, I was enjoying it, mainly because of an association I had developed with a beautiful young lady, Betty Jo (Jodie) Sturgis, who attended White Oak High School in a community nearby. These schools, although small by today's standards, were located on land that contained producing oil wells, part of the famous East Texas discovery. The oil income helped the schools to buy the best equipment and provide quality education. Since the school furnished the instruments, I was able to play trombone in the school band for three years. In my senior year I finally convinced Mom to let me play football. I mention these activities because they are the reasons I occasionally got to see my sweetheart when our schools competed in band contests and football games.
Dad lost his job and could not find employment. Free natural gas from an oil well in our back yard supplied our lights and heating. At this point in time, this "well-head" gas was considered surplus and provided heat and lighting to many needy families. Since we didn't have a car and neither family had a telephone, it was extremely difficult for me to communicate or spend time with my sweetheart.. Luckily, one of my buddies started dating Jodie's sister and his family was fortunate enough to own an automobile. His father would occasionally let him use it. When he had a date he would invite me to go along so that I could see Jodie and as I later learned, to be his chauffeur. I always had to drive while he and his date sat in the back seat and 'cuddled.'
As my friends and I enjoyed these happy, carefree days, we were also aware of the specter of war and our upcoming invitations by Uncle Sam. I graduated from high school in May of 1943 at the age of 17. I had almost a year to find a job and make some money before my 'call to arms.' I managed to see Jodie from time to time and in my mind she was the girl I would marry and be with the rest of my life. There was just one problem, she didn't know this and I was just too bashful to open my heart and mouth to tell her how I felt.
I found a job at an aircraft plant in Ft Worth, Texas where I helped build B-24 bombers and participated in the early development of the giant six-engine B-36 bomber. During this time I wrote letters to Jodie and hoped she would 'read between the lines' of things I didn't have the nerve to write. Inevitably, decision time arrived and in April 1944 I enlisted in the US Navy to avoid being drafted in the Army. I planned to serve on the 'high seas' while seeing the world (how romantic the recruiters made it sound). I managed a few days at home while waiting for the Navy to get ready for me. These were bittersweet days as I prepared to say farewell to my family and my sweetheart, Jodie. I finally got up enough nerve to give her a real goodbye kiss on our last date. I promised to return to her and hoped she could read my thoughts about marriage and happiness ever after.
After a whirlwind session in boot camp at San Diego (they really shoved us through in '44) I was transferred to radio operator school at the US Naval Armory in Los Angeles. With hard work and a natural affinity I had for Morse code, I graduated from radio school with 3rd Class Petty Officer rating. When the Navy asked my preference of duty, I requested aircraft carrier and was totally surprised when I was assigned to the carrier USS Ranger, CV-4. I went aboard and immediately found that I was in trouble; a brand new RM 3/C with very little Navy 'savvy' and still wet behind the ears. It was really a struggle but perseverance finally won the old "salt'" friendship and cooperation.
This brings me to the reason for my story. While out at sea on a training mission the old Blue Goose (our mail plane) brought a letter one day from my one-and-only sweetheart, Jodie. It turned out to be a DEAR JOHN! For those who don't know, a Dear John letter meant that you had been replaced. It seems that she was swept off her feet by a tall red-headed guy with a gift of gab that I didn't have. She had actually MARRIED him! How would I ever live through the grief? Well, those buddies I had managed to cultivate decided they would help me through my crisis. When we docked at North Island, across the bay from San Diego, several of them convinced me to get ready for liberty and hustled me ashore. Many bars later they carried me aboard ship and put me in my bunk. Somehow they covered for me and after two or three days I gradually came back to life.
Now for the rest of the story! I settled in San Antonio, Texas after discharge from the Navy in 1946 and worked at Kelly Air Force Base for 36 years. During this time I continued to search for another Jodie and after four failed attempts (including creation of five off-springs, three girls and two boys), I decided it was about time to give it up.
In 1980, I received a phone call from my sister, Marge. She almost gave me cardiac arrest by telling me she had received a letter from Jodie. She told me that Jodie was single again and wondering what had become of me. She gave me Jodie's phone number where she now lived in Longview, Texas. I called immediately, and with a gift of gab I had developed over the years, wasted no time assuring her how much I still loved her and wanted to see her. I left San Antonio that night at midnight and arrived in Longview (almost 400 miles away) by daylight. Jodie met me at the door with the same beautiful smile I had remembered for 35 years. I could sense that she still cared for me and I wasted no time assuring her that I still loved her.
I returned to San Antonio a very happy man and after a short time I went back to Longview and arranged for Jodie and all her belongings to return with me to my home in 'San Antone.' We were married in a beautiful service performed by an Air Force Chaplain at Lackland Air Force Base. In 1996 we decided to move back to Longview after 16 years together. Jodie had three daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and she was enjoying being back near them.
God didn't promise us life without thorns as I was to learn again. My Jodie began to have shortness of breath and chest pains. A visit to the doctor followed by a litany of tests confirmed that she had congestive heart failure. The prognosis was not positive, however, the doctor would not predict her life expectancy. This was in 1996 and we continued to grow old together and pray without ceasing that the Lord would intercede. He has his own timetable so as Jodie's health continued to get worse, we made the best of her remaining time on earth by spending as many hours as we could with our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
In June of 2001 we reached a point where the doctor advised that hospice was inevitable. On June 22nd Jodie's last words were "I don't want to live in this body anymore!" God heard her plea and at 5:45 that evening she went peacefully to sleep and departed the worn-out body for eternal rest and happiness.
If there is a good ending to this story, it is that my widowed sister moved in with me and we share a delightful life together as we grow older and wait for our reunion with my Jodie and her Joe. -Jim Johnston, 2005
Jeez...will you quit posting these songs and stories. You are making grown men cry....Damn, I dont even have tissues in my office.....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
My wife is still closemouthed today. Oh well. I just read a post on newcomers. It's interesting. I should have posted this on my own thread because it resonated with my own situation. But, I don't have any kids with my ex so if I fall in love with someone else, that won't be a factor in my decision to return to her. It will have to be solely on loving her more. Anyway, this story is for those of you that have lost hope. Look at this guy. He gave up entirely and is back with his wife now. Is it in spite of or because of OW.
Quote: Hi folks,
It's been nearly a year since my Marriage collapsed.
On 19 August 2004, I heard the dreaded words "I love you, but I'm not in love with you...".
Flash forward to present day.
Last week, my wife came home.
After being separated for seven months, my family is once again whole, but not without first having to pay a terrible price.
Here is our story:
We were Married in January of 1998, we have a D (6) and a S (4) (both are having birthdays in the next three weeks, can you think of a better birthday present???).
The decline of a Marriage was gradual, almost imperceptible. It started when we began to have kids, the pressures of not being able to spend the quality time that ALL couples need, was pushed aside, saying we'd have lots of time later one day...but one day never came.
As the years passed, we started to go apart, on that fateful day, my Wife told me she didn't love me anymore.
I cried, I pursued, let's face it...I did it all. It wasn't just sad, it was downright pathetic.
Then, my childhood friend (who just happens to be a Marriage Counsellor) introduced me to Divorce Busting.
I flew into action, and from September through January I became a DBing machine. I changed EVERYTHING. We dated, we attended Counseling, we talked, I listened, I was the Man she remembered, the Man she knew and fell in love with but there were doubts...
She had moved so far away, so far down the path of despair that she couldn't see the changes. She moved out of our home on 1 January, 2005. Eight years to the day of the beginning of our relationship.
In February, she decided that she wanted to revisit our relationship. She was having second thoughts and I was sufficently recovered enough to give it one more try.
After the third counseling session, she'd quit again. For the third time. We were done.
Throughout this time, our friends and family were in shock. How could this happen? We had "the perfect marriage". Our childern suffered. Greatly. To have their world shattered was agonizing to behold and we will live with those painful memories in our hearts forever.
I sought comfort with some friends. As it so happends there were several of us who's wives had left us within a few short weeks of each other and we formed the "Mount Royal home for dysfunctional boys". It was a great source of encouragement and camradiere.
Then, I met her.
This is an ugly side to our story, the side that I'm both sad and ashamed of. Although my Wife had released me and I thought we would never get back together, I want you all to hear what happened and take from it what you will.
We started out as friends, talking about our kids (she is a single Mom with a S(5). We had mutual friends (another one of the dysfuntional boys club founders actually and a friend of mine for twenty years (at least he was).
One day, after our first date, we had a car accident (some of you may recall I'm an ex-policeman) and my training kicked in. As we were sliding along the road of my tipped over SUV (yes, it really does happen) I had the presence of mind to reach down and pull her away from the ground so she wouldn't get hurt. We emerged unscathed.
We talked about it many times since then, that's how she fell in love with me. That I was so calm and collected and dealt with the emergency.
over the next several months our love grew and grew. She was amazing, smart, beautiful and she had a great son. I knew we could be a blended family.
In the meantime, my Wife and I just didn't communicate at all. I was so hurt and angry with her, I just shut her out. I pretended that she didn't exist...I denied to myself that I still loved her. Big mistake.
As you can imagine, my Wife wasn't having much of a picnic either...as the months rolled by, she got her space, she began to see the changes in me were permanent she wanted to come home...but then there was thr accident and this new woman in our lives. What to do?
I'm hoping that she will come on this site to explain for herself how she felt and how she came around as we all know how important it is to hear from the ones that leave us. But in the meantime, I will do the best I can.
As I understand it, she began to think of me in a positive light. Instead of dwelling on the negative, she CHOSE to see me positively. She CHOSE to fall in love with me again...all this despite the fact I had fallen in love with someone else.
She knew she was going through an early midlife crisis (she's 34) and that it was coming to an end. One day when I was saying goodnight to the kids we talked...we really talked and she asked to come home.
I was skeptical, I was in a new relationship and was happy again.
Here's where it gets bad. I had to choose.
I had the chance to build a new life with a blended family and turn my back on the eight years I had with my Wife, or I could re-build my Marriage that I had fought for so long to preserve.
In the end, for me anyway, there wasn't really a choice. I knew what I had to do, and despite the difficulty, despite the pain, I ended my new relationship.
I broke an incredible woman's heart. I hurt my children and hers.
Oneday, perhaps she will forgive me, but I will never forgive myself.
Do I still love her? Yes.
Do I still love my Wife and family more? Yes.
Here's where I get preachy.
Don't give up.
Be patient.
Be strong.
If your Love was strong enough to marry, it will come back to you.
I know you're in the very depths of despair right now but DBing does work. It takes time...
How much time? Every case is different, but for us is was nearly a year.
You can do it. Be patient
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Depends on what you mean by give up. The things you've learned about through this process I hope aren't something that you can or would ever want to give up. But don't you suppose in some ways effectively "detaching" is in a way giving up? Maybe holding the kernel of love in your heart (the way I imagine this man did), but not fanning the flame all the time (otherwise you'll get popcorn from your kernel). Perhaps when you feel you've given up and moved on is when you ex will finally realize what she's missing. You either will or won't be available if/when that happens. Just think...if more time had elapsed for this guy he might have remarried. Then his ex would never have had a chance at reconciliation. I'd be interested to find out what happens months down the line....if he can keep the marriage going while he does have strong feelings for someone else.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The road is long With many a winding turn That leads us to who knows where Who knows where But I'm strong Strong enough to carry him He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
So on we go His welfare is my concern No burden is he to bear We'll get there For I know He would not encumber me He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
If I'm laden at all I'm laden with sadness That everyone's heart Isn't filled with the gladness Of love for one another.
It's a long, long road From which there is no return While we're on our way to there Why not share And the load Doesn't weigh me down at all He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
Written by B. Scott and B. Russell Sung by Neil Diamond - 1970
Feel free to post any successes you hear through the grapevine or other inspiration.
