How to proceed

[Baltoman]

My story is a long one. I have been married almost 20 years. The last few have been difficult and I have much blame for this. My wife had inappropriate feelings for her boss, but no physical relationship. I even caught her lying about being busy at work so she could go out to dinner with him instead of me. We had both consulted lawyers and were headed for divorce.

We went to a Retrovaille encounter weekend which was very helpful. However, since we were both sure that the weekend would be useless, the night before I picked up a woman at a bar and spent the evening with her. I guess I had something to prove to my wife and to myself. I did not sleep with her but I did kiss her. My wife knows this. The weekend was where my W faced the idea that her relationship with her boss amounted to "emotional infidelity". We re-committed to our relationship and used the tools we were taught quite frequently at first but now the W seems to want to back off and not do these things to work on our relationship. While things are not bad between us, I cannot shake the thoughts that she does not seem committed. She needs space but I find that if we don't talk about our issues, I start to get very insecure about where we are headed. I also have a very hard time hearing about her friendship with her boss. She talks about him and their friendship as if nothing has happened (which I guess is true, sort of), but it cuts me every time I hear it. He is giving her advice on our relationship which is undermining it. We were at a party at his house and he told her the next day that I was putting her down, which I was not. She did not think I was either until he suggested it. I told her I did not think it was appropriate to have this man in a position where he could influence our relationship which led to a big fight.

I am at a loss as to what to do. If I push the idea of working on the R she pulls further away but if I let it sit I get more and more insecure about it with wild thought patterns as to what she is really up to. I guess I just need to vent about it. Thanks.

[NYsurvivor]

She needs space but I find that if we don't talk about our issues, I start to get very insecure

Recognize that your insecurity is being fed by your own fears and try to detach from that because it will undermine you. The key is, as you wrote, giving her space. Talking about issues at this point, as you know, will repel her and chase her away. Change the dynamics of all this by you pulling back. Read the DR book.

I did not think it was appropriate to have this man in a position where he could influence our relationship which led to a big fight.

You're absolutely right, but obviously she wants contact with this man. It suggests they're involved.

So, it didn't work out the way you expected... welcome back to this turmoil... she's going to do what she wants to do, you have to shrink her importance to you by GAL and detaching and being OK with yourself, not needing her. There's work for you to do.

I get more and more insecure about it with wild thought patterns as to what she is really up to.

Right. Our own imaginations are our own worst enemies. Stop dwelling on those thoughts, they will make you despair and will sabotage all your efforts, because how you concentrate on the relationship between the two of you, which is really the issue here, if you're contemplating all sorts of things that she may or may not be enjoying or doing with the OP that get you all emotionally choked and have you looking at her in a different way.

Also think about how you react to things... that tit for tat "I'll have an affair too" didn't help matters, it was a completely irresponsible and inappropriate response, so that, along with what else you've revealed about yourself, suggests to me that you may want to use more thinking about how you respond to adverse circumstances in your life.

So read the book and that will help answer some questions and give some direction, check out the success stories in these forums to see the common pattern of how these things are implemented, and good luck.

[Baltoman]

Actually, from a purely technical standpoint, neither one of us had an affair if you define an affair as a sexual relationship. I know I was playing with fire with the OW but at the time it seemed to shock my wife into action. As I said, we were both sure that the weekend was just for show. Something we could check off as having tried. You know, counseling, check, weekend retreat, check. We've done everything, we should divorce. After I came home in the morning that day she screamed at me, "Don't you want to go? Because I DO!"

Things really aren't bad between us now, considering that in September she dropped the "love you, not IN LOVE with you" bomb. I just feel that if we don't continue to move the relationship forward with concrete steps, that I will not know what is going through her head and she will someday drop the bigger bomb on me in typical WAW style. When we spend time working on the relationship, we are showing that we want it to succeed.