I was posting on newcomers since I am new to the board, but the infidelity forums seem to fit my sitch.
Long story short...my husband confessed to me that he was having an affair with my next door neighbor for about 6 months. He said he was in love with her and wanted to be with her. I have been DBing my butt off and hoping it is working. About two weeks ago, I couldn't stand to stay in my house any longer. So I left and have been staying with my MIL. Before I left, all my H kept saying was ILYBNILWY. He was in love with my neighbor and didn't think things would work out with us because he wanted to be with her. So after I left, we did not talk for a few days. I somewhat went dark. Well last Thursday he called me up and asked me to come over. He wanted me to stay the night with him. So of course, I jumped at the opportunity. We were physical (not intercourse) with each other which hasn't happened in our house since February! Then Friday he asked me over again, and I stayed over again, but in the morning OW called and he talked to her on the phone while I was there, so I got up and left. He then called me to asked why I left, and I just said, "I understand you still talk to her, but I don't like to see it or hear it because it hurts me." He then said he didn't want to sound like an A$$ but he isn't really leaning one way or another right now. He said he really doesn't know what he wants. (when before he was sure he wanted her) Does this sound like my DB efforts may be paying off....even just a little? And where do I go from here??
Quote: Does this sound like my DB efforts may be paying off....even just a little? And where do I go from here??
Only you can answer that. Do you think things are getting better? What are the baby steps you are seeing?
DBing isn't about your H as it is so much about yourself. It about getting yourself out of the rut, taking the time to fix you. After all we are ONLY in control of ourselves. What have you been doing to GAL?
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
1) My H to ask me to move back home 2) My H to show me more attention/affection 3) My H to end R with OW 4) My H and I to communicate more effectively and strengthen our marriage
I have been GAL. I have been going out with friends a few nights a week...not calling H and not being available for all of his calls. I have done stuff for ME...like going to the spa, going shopping and buying myself things that make me feel good about ME. I have been dieting and losing weight...which makes me feel great. Everytime I have seen him since I moved out I have tried to look great and been sweet as pie.
The baby steps I have noticed, are him calling me more, asking me to come over...he asked me to dinner Friday. He actually kissed me (and not just a peck) which he hasn't done in months...so those are all baby steps....I just want more!
1) My H to ask me to move back home 2) My H to show me more attention/affection 3) My H to end R with OW 4) My H and I to communicate more effectively and strengthen our marriage
Some thoughts for you about your goals:
Except partly for the last one, these goals are all about H doing something... think in terms of what you can do, rather than him, as goals for yourself, things you can do and therefore have control over, that may lead to prompt H to do what you'd like to see him do.
And break down the goals to smaller realistic and acheivable steps.
For example, "I will not be critical when we speak", "I will consider his viewpoint", "I will be more empathic", instead of the very vague "H and I to communicate more effectively".
I must agree with NY here! We all need to focus our goals around ourself and not our spouse. We can only change us not anybody else. We are her to move forward together. Keep up the good work!
I guess I had the whole goals thing all wrong...I must read my DR book again!
So, last night H called me and he was very depressed. He kept saying he was sorry and never meant for things to happen with OW. He said he should have never let it happen. He is afraid that things may never be the same between us again because he messed it all up. He is afraid of how our families and friends will view him. He said we will probably work things out and that we will need to move. Which is fine with me. But I found out that he told his best friend last night that the OW told my H that she was going to work things out with her H, and that he is really hurt about it. So now I feel like he is going to settle for me because she is backing out. I don't know what to think or do anymore.
I guess I had the whole goals thing all wrong...I must read my DR book again!
No, you didn't have it wrong... Michele does show examples of goals in the book that are illustrative of what you'd see if things were working out...
I'm only suggesting that instead of expecting certain things from someone else, that we have more control over ourselves, and if indeed the idea is for us to change first so that others change around us, then set goals that change ourselves.
Goals like "H wants to come home", obviously are the ultimate, but that's almost a given should there be reasons that H wants to come back home. Those "reasons" might be goals in themselves. For example, let's say H had enough of your negative critical world view. Then positive changes would be: "I won't be so critical and judgmental", "I'll be more positive about the world" and that creates a new you that H may wish to reconsider a relationship with.
So now I feel like he is going to settle for me because she is backing out. I don't know what to think or do anymore.
Hey... who really cares in what way his fantasy is falling apart... if it gets him to think about what he really wants... and time (and his actions) will tell what that is.
This is that "I don't want to be second choice" and the resulting slight that comes from it type thinking. It's nothing more than an attitude and I wouldn't put any more thought into it. Let me put it this way: If a girl has decided to be with me, sleep with me, share my life... then who's her first choice? I am. So, to me, my WAW being with her boyfriend, that's when I'm a second choice, not if she returns to me.
I understand what you are saying now. I guess instead of making those my goals, I just started doing those things. I have been less critical, Not been nagging. I have been more upbeat, understanding. Been thinking before speaking kind of thing. And when I have done those things, I have seen a difference in the way we communicate. It has been way more pleasant.
And thank you for the encouragement on me feeling like the second choice...it's hard to think of it otherwise, but you are right, if he chooses to be with me, than I am not second.
Thats great news that he is wanting to get back, I think it shows how YOUR changes are affecting him. I hope you feel good about it. From a guys logic you will help things out in the future if you don't be too anxious on your part right now. If it hurts him inside and wonder a while if your getting back he will appreciate your R better. The things that don't killus makes us stronger and it will make his committment to you stronger in MHO if you let him wonder if he screwed things up beyond repair for a while more. Keep up the good work and keep the faith. PS you deserve a big pat on the back for your changes.
Thank you for the positive words...so much has transpired since my last post!
Well, the OW's H found out about the affair on Thursday of last week. Since then, my H and the OW have ended their relationship. My H called me up on Friday and told me he wanted me to come home. We have talked so much since then and he is apologizing to me constantly which is good. He says this affair opened his eyes to how much he does still love me. He also said he is committed to making our marriage work and that he realizes that the affair was a "fantasy" he was living. He said he wants absolutely nothing to do with the OW ever again. He wants us to move and start new and fresh somewhere else. Although I am happy that he wants to work things out. I am nervous that he may have a relapse because I know that he had strong feelings for OW. He has even said to me that she did hurt him. So how do I deal with that? He will drift off sometimes in his mind and when I ask what he is thinking of, he just tells me that it bothers him all the lies OW has told him. How do I help him to get over that? I need to know how to help him or what to say to him because I know our marriage can't really start over until she is out of his mind. Please help!
