InherJourney. Even when BB and I are in the blaws, I try to look for some real thing to compliment her. If she maked good ice tea I compliment her for doing the work. If I see her taking extra effort with some beauty product I have no interest in, I say something about her really doing a through job.
It's difficult to start making compliments but the more compliments you give for "real" things, you see more places to compliment someone and it gets easier and more real to you. And, yes, sometime it does seem childish but you don't do it the same way you do it with kids.
To me it is not much different than working with employees, dogs or handicapped people. Positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement.
After a couple of months giving compliments for "real" things, maybe you will get some compliments back and hopefully see improvements in your R.
RE JJ "I know I am high-maintenance but what am I supposed to do about it?". That statement coupled with the big sister having to hang up his coat sort of makes me think he is stuck back in first grade where certain peopld "did certain things" for you because you were an inexperienced kid and they were much more advanced than you.
I was the last kid in the family and I had to break my big sister attitudes when dating BB. Fast foward to now and I have to break my parent child mode with my D34. Sometimes it is me and sometimes she still wants me to be dad while she plays D. It's not a big problem but some habits die slowly.
In Mr W's mind, are you sort of his big sister in some ways?
Query: Well, what do you guys think? Is it possible that I've actually managed to convert him? ----------------------
IMH(ButAbsent)O, I think he boosted his own ego when he aggressively confessed to the things he resented. And since sex and aggression are linked for him, he followed up with hot sex. But not before going into his, "I'm finding me a crack-ho" routine.
I think he only finds his cashews (ego boost) when he does something that he admires in himself, although he's convinced that only you can do it for him. Whenever he tells you off, threatens to leave, and/or delivers an ultimatum he reponds by pursuing you sexually. When he "confronted" you with his resentments he got an ego-boost. He then threatened to leave you, boosting his own ego even more and "bingo", went for your cookies. This appears to be his "Now I'm a MAN!" response.
BTW, instead of claiming to be cheaper than a crack-ho why didn't you ask for the $46? In my book, you've earned it by having to put up with this stuff.
Your take on the events is quite interesting. I never would have thought of it that way though it makes sense. He has to prove he doesn't "need" me by alienating me before he can feel free to "want" me.
Quote: BTW, instead of claiming to be cheaper than a crack-ho why didn't you ask for the $46? In my book, you've earned it by having to put up with this stuff.
Hey, I deserve way more than $46. Alaska vacation here I come- 9 days and counting.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: In Mr W's mind, are you sort of his big sister in some ways?
Probably and this is probably compounded by the fact that I am the oldest of four sisters. However, I was never a super-bossy sort of older sister because of my easy-going distractable nature. I was the kind of older sister who frequently got teased by her younger sisters when they would gang up on me. It's possible that my Hs rude remarks are a variation on this attention-seeking sort of behavior.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, I still see some big sister, little brother, things that play out in my R with BB. She was the oldest child in her family and I was the youngest. Sounds childish I know, but learned patterns are hard to break not only sib R, but parent/child patterns, fears, and desires established in childhood. They were your world and dreams. Some dreams carry on throught life.
I am learning from your thread and give you a pat on the back for having the guts to continue going foward.
HP and Lou... Thanks for the comments on the WOA. I resent the fact that he does these AOS and then looks for praise when I feel he's doing stuff that just needs to be done. I feel put in the role of mom when I want him to be da man. Then I feel sorry for myself because I want to feel appreciated too. Our dynamics are that H was the oldest but his mother's favorite...he had conflicts with his dad which pushed him out of his house. I was the youngest and was babied by both my parents. Not sure how that fits in but I'll throw it out there to my analytic buddies.
Since this is a solution oriented board, I'm thinking what I can do is work on the WOA by responding to him in more of a womanly way...say the words and give him a sexy hug or something. That way, I am not being his mom and not being a baby whining for MY WOA.
OK, to make up for the hijack, lol, here is part of the article from the WSJ about controlled separation:
Family A Time Out for Troubled Marriages: Therapists Push 'Controlled Separation' The Wall Street Journal Online By Hilary Stout
The couple had been married for 10 years, but the relationship had become troubled. They had no kids, not even a pet, no overpowering reason to stay together. They decided to separate.
To most people, that would be a pretty clear sign they were headed for divorce. But that wasn't the idea here.
They sat down with Meg Haycraft, a couples counselor in Chicago, and negotiated detailed terms for something called a "controlled separation."
Time limit: Five weeks, ending April 4.
Living arrangements: He stays, she moves out to a girlfriend's apartment.
Finances: Any purchase over $500 requires consulting each other.
Contact: Three phone calls a week, unlimited emails, a date with each other every Saturday night.
Sex? That was in the contract too. None planned, but if one feels "affectionate" they have the right to "check that out" with the other.
Separation in the U.S. has become essentially a prelude to divorce. But a new approach that has quietly attracted interest over the past few years aims to do the opposite. Controlled separation is usually negotiated in a therapist's office, never in a lawyer's, and its ultimate goal is to save the marriage by putting a concrete limit on the time apart (usually no more than six months) -- and negotiating more than a dozen hot points into a written contract to eliminate the uncertainty, insecurity and second-guessing that can become toxic in a troubled relationship.
The movement is gaining adherents. A small but growing number of therapists across the country are trying to incorporate controlled separation into their practices. (Thirteen of them participated in a 7� hour training session at a marriage conference last month.) Religious groups both here and abroad are using it, including the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. And the U.S. military has expressed interest in folding it into its programs to help combat the high divorce rate among service men and women.
Controlled separation can be seen as a sort of "time out" to, at least temporarily, halt the move toward divorce. Both husband and wife pledge not to seek legal counsel or file for divorce during the separation. And they agree not to speak about their troubles to others to avoid incendiary gossip. Twelve other areas, from pets, to child care, to sex, are also laid out. In some areas, like personal contact, the contract is so detailed that it not only specifies that the couple will go on "dates" with each other but it stipulates the day of the week and who will initiate them.
Quote: I resent the fact that he does these AOS and then looks for praise when I feel he's doing stuff that just needs to be done.
Weirdness. My real-life Type 4 friend said almost exactly the same thing to me the other day. She said "--- is so narcissistic. He always wants me to praise him for things like doing some little job out in the yard.". Perhaps it would be helpful for you if I told you what I thought but didn't say to my real-life friend when she said this. My thought was "You are obviously someone who is very neat and detail-oriented. Your husband is not. When he does a super-neat job edging the lawn, he is doing this as a favor to you because if he was single he wouldn't have to give a d*mn what the lawn looked like and could spend more time watching sports. Therefore, he expects or at least hopes for WOA when he does things like this.". I also had the unspoken thought "Girlfriend, I know your H pretty well (he used to be my boss and I knew him for years before I met his wife) and you are d*mn lucky to have him because he is one of the nicest guys around and always gave the impression that his family was everything to him and he is obviously enamoured of you because his hand was on your thigh when we went to the movies and when we went to the beach. You really need to get a grip on your depressive introversion and start giving your man some sex and WOA or you are going to lose him.". I should note that I felt very sorry for my friend when I had these thoughts because I like her very much and I felt very sorry for her H because I like him very much also.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
As long as I'm on the topic of my real-life HDH/LDW friends, I've been meaning to throw out the following encouraging thought to the HDHs on the BB. I've sometimes had the thought that most of the HDHs on this BB seem like really nice men who would be great husbands and quite f*ckable in real life, but I've also thought that there's no way to really know that is true since people posting on a BB are 2-dimensional and biased towards themselves . However, now that I found out that my friend is a HDH in a SSM, I believe %100 that you guys really are all good husbands who are quite f*ckable in real life and your wives are just clueless in some sort of sad way.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
In my book, you've earned it by having to put up with this stuff. 
. However, now that I found out that my friend is a HDH in a SSM, I believe %100 that you guys really are all good husbands who are quite f*ckable in real life and your wives are just clueless in some sort of sad way.