Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Here are my old threads.

Is this really so insurmountable?

What to do??

How to GAL when spouse is jealous/trust is broken?

When I titled my first thread, my thoughts were that this one thing that I have done cannot mean the end for my M. There is no way two people who have been together for their entire adult lives should not be able to get past this, particularly if the cheating partner is as remorseful as I feel I am. Since I titled that thread, I've come to realize that it is not just that one event that is ruining my M. There is much more to it than that.

My thoughts when I titled my second thread were, that maybe I need to do some serious analysis of whether or not I even want to be with this man regardless of what my wrongdoings have been. I am still stuck at this point.

My thoughts when I decided the title for the third thread were that I needed to stop focusing so much on my M and just worry about me and my R with my kids. For those of you who've read my previous thread, you know that isn't working out so well for me. I wanted to talk about ways to develop my sense of self apart from my M. But trying to be my own person seems only to have led to a M in even worse distress it seems.

My thoughts in titling this thread are to stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks, including H, and just listen to myself and my feelings. I run to others for validation of my feelings because I don't give any validation to myself. I'm terrified that I'm the most selfish girl to walk the face of the planet and I personalize everything. In the past coupld of months there have even been times when I've read what some of you write about your WAS and I get hurt because I wonder if that is what people must think of my behavior as well.

Just a little recap and history as much for myself as for anyone who hasn't met me yet.

Thanks to all.

[heatherg]

I haven't posted in a couple of days. I've been very introspective, reading a lot. I'm reading a book that many of you have probably at least heard of "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It has some interesting points. I also have a couple other books on the way "Emotional Blackmail" and "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People".
I'm hoping there will be some good pointers in those books on how to deal with some of H's more controlling behavior. Ultimately, I think I know what my answer is going to be, I just feel like I have to uncover all the stones first, JUST in case.
I got my hormone test results back last Friday and my hormones are fine. My SIL and MIL were convinced that mine must be out of whack b/c theirs apparently are and of course they hear H's side of the story which basically says that our R depends on my mood. If I am fine, we're fine. If I am not fine, we're not fine. So, they hear that and think that I must be having severe mood swings and hormone problems. In a way, I was hoping to get negative results on the test, because that could mean that maybe my feelings aren't really my feelings afterall, but some manifestation of a biological issue. No such luck.
My sister said she thinks H and I are a text book case of an abusive R. She said especially the way H places the entire weight of how our R is going on my shoulders. Heather, when you behave, our R is great. When you decide to act up, our R is not so great. Where is H's part in that cycle????? Thus my point......

More later, thanks for listening.

[heatherg]

I was just wondering something. There are lots of people on this BB whose spouse has cheated on them. Are there any cases out there where the spouse was immediately remorseful and ended contact with the other person? How long did it take to resume sleeping in the same bed?

[anna123]

Well, after the first Bomb drop, H ended it 2 days later (resumed a couple of weeks later). Even the night of the bomb, we shared a bed. I could never bring myself to make him sleep on the couch, even while it was going on. He offered but I knew I'd sleep better knowing we could at least touch feet in the night.

[heatherg]

Anna~
How physical had your H been with OW at that point? Do you think that factor had anything to do with whether or not you allowed him back in your bed?

[anna123]

He had only kissed her at that point, but for me it was way more painful the degree of emotion/romance that had happened. They had made plans to run off together. To this day, I kind of don't care if he screws her, but I can't bear the idea of the "love".

I ASSume by this point that they have had a physical relationship. And yet I know that if he walked in the door and asked to sleep in our bed tonight, I would welcome him.

Doormat? Probably.

[heatherg]

He had only kissed her at that point

I don't think my M will live to hear those words.... ONLY a kiss....

My internet connection at home has been down because I got the bright idea to have my hard drive slicked so that I could get rid of all the old junk on my computer and perhaps bring up the speed a little. But I forgot to get my pictures off of it first and now I am heartbroken. There were pics of my C-section, my babies at all different stages. I don't know how it didn't occur to me to save them first.......so now my computer is at the "doctor" trying to recover them. It is so hard in the midst of all of this when I already tremble at the idea of being less of a part of my childrens' lives in the future to think that I have also lost a piece of our past....I'm devastated. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!
It has been nice to have some time with my kids.....I'm loving the fact that S4 comes to cuddle with me on the couch and tells me stories...last night we laughed so hard he told me he was going to throw up. I LOVE to hear their giggles. So sweet.
I had such a hectic morning as I was taking them to daycare (YEY, I get to take them to daycare even if only for a while!) and the kids in S4's class were playing with toys that looked like they had brought from home. I asked the teacher and sure enough today was show and tell day. Darn!! I couldn't leave S4 there with no toy to show, so I asked him which one he wanted and where it was. I went home, spent ten minutes looking for this toy. Way late for work by now. Can't find it so I grabbed some other one in the same line (Power Rangers!!). I get back in my truck and reach back to put it in the back seat when I see the toy that S4 wanted was in my truck all along......ARRGH. So I get back to daycare, bring in the toy feeling proud that I knew the name and who he was talking about and that I was able to come through and he looks at me with his big blue eyes and says "you didn't bring his sword?"......wow. So, I go back out in the truck and find not one, but TWO swords from some other toy and bring him both. He is happy. Some days being a Mom is serious business, LOL.

[heatherg]

Things have been quiet at my house. H is out of town for work. He's been gone about two weeks and will be gone up to 6 more weeks. He's been coming home on the weekends to see the kids. We have been getting along ok on the weekends, moments where I can put everything else aside are almost enjoyable.
I've been spending my evenings reading. Right now I'm reading After the Affair. It seems to be highly recommended on this board, so I thought I would give it a try. I also picked up the Emotional Abuse book that Chrissy mentioned and Relationship Rescue by good ole Dr Phil.
So far, After the Affair has been enlightening. I went to sleep last night and had another dream that H has a "friend" that is helping him through what I have done to our M. Second dream and the weird part is that my subconscious has named this girl "Jen" and that name carried over into the second dream. To my knowledge neither H or I know anyone named Jen. Perhaps I can look forward to a soap opera in my dreams where the characters stay the same and everything seems so real that it actually could be? Geez, lucky me, I can't wait to see the next episode. It's not a good feeling.
Our wedding anniversary is coming up. But so is the anniversary of me telling H that I was seeing another man. The two events happened within about a week of one another. With all the ups and downs, does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle the wedding anniversary? We haven't said ILY in months. Maybe just a nonmushy card? Signed "Love, Heather"? Would that be ok?

[Burgbud]

Heather,

I'm far from a fountain of knowledge and I haven't read all your threads though I've skimmed them and read several posts. So please just consider this, absorb anything useful and throw the rest away.

It seems like at this point H isn't showing enough stability to enable you to have much in the way of expectations for his behavior. If you give him a non-mushy card but sign it "Love, Heather" he might appreciate it or he might throw it back in your face. Can you get into a frame of mind where you can deal with it either way? Maybe you've got to show him that you can/have GAL, and that his temper won't control your mindset, but that you still want him and the rest of your family in your life. He hasn't shown you much respect in the past with his name calling and outbursts, possibly because that's been an effective way to control you emotionally (a fact he may not be consciously aware of). If you remove your reaction from that equation, he loses his power. That seems good and necessary for both of you, but he may well feel threatened, especially if he's still feeling insecure because of what you did, or if he's just generally insecure. But in the end he'll be happier with you, himself, and your R if he sees that your happiness outside his ability to control, but that even in your indepdence, you want to be with him.

It may also be that he can't handle that at all and you'll end up having to walk away as best you can. But for now, handle the card the way you want to, and look at each of the likely scenarios as a win for you. If he accepts the card happily, his happiness is your victory. If he accepts it passively, the fact that he wasn't negative is your victory. If he throws it right in your face, your opportunity to remain calm and strong and show him that your happiness isn't his responsibility is your victory.

Good luck!

[heatherg]

I'm far from a fountain of knowledge

Well, you definitely sound like a fountain of clarity. Your post is very insightful and I've read your thread and you should be very proud of yourself. I don't know for sure how long you've been of a "DB mindset", but with so few posts it tells me perhaps not long. And you sound like you're in a really advanced starting place, so good for you!!

If you remove your reaction from that equation, he loses his power.

I'm working really hard on this. It's my number one personal goal, to control my reactions. Not just to H, but in general and especially to H. I wear a bracelet that is supposed to remind me of this. Similar to the rubber band theory, but it's prettier I believe that H always takes things too far, but I have my own contribution to the chaos. I don't want to be a contributor anymore. We'll see what happens as this is much easier said than applied.

If he accepts the card happily, his happiness is your victory. If he accepts it passively, the fact that he wasn't negative is your victory. If he throws it right in your face, your opportunity to remain calm and strong and show him that your happiness isn't his responsibility is your victory.

This is really, really excellent advice. To remain optimistic and view each outcome as a success as long as I stay true to my goals. Love that, thank you so much.

Please hang around here, you will get awesome support and advice and I can see that you will be a great help to others as well. Glad to meet you.