Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life as it is, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone younger or decades older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or after a child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads--at least for a while.
gbhost, This is a great post. It describes my H to a tee. I only wish that I could send a copy to him, but I know he wouldn't see himself. Anyway, thanks for the post. Dziner
Dziner
"Act as if it were impossible to fail."
(Chinese fortune cookie)
WOW! Couldn't have been said better...it's like I was writing about my H. He is escaping now and I see it so clearly...he's been running from issues his whole life, let alone responsibility. He did it in all his relationships, I just happened to be the one that married him. Now I'm leaving with our son, who was just born on June 20th and H and I will be an ocean away ( OW came into the picture 4 months ago, but i also found out about numerous one- night stands ). Once we're gone I don't think OW will be able to sustain his happiness...the 'drug' will start to wear off. Then he'll be completely by himself to pick up the pieces.
so sad the chances WASs are willing to take for a temporary 'high' or 'fix'.
Wow, GBHost, you described my story to a 'T'! My WAW's mom passed away earlier this year, job duties doubled, health factors kicked in, then Bammo, affair started. You are also right regarding depression! I have no doubt she "thinks" she is happy when with him, but still miserable and racked with guilt other times. Anyway, I am going to print out your essay and re-read it for encouranegemt. I am also of course following DR advice on LRT and 180 hoping that she will eventually end it.
I should have prefaced this with the disclaimer that I did not write it. I found it on some other web site. It is the comments of an experienced marriage counselor whose name I forgot. Sorry for the inadequate referncing.
Hey folks, the point of the article is that the WAS's mind set is far removed from yours, conversely, your thinking isn't aligned with theirs.
Leaving a print out to be discovered isn't the course to take, that usually backfires. They're NOT going to think like you, and they'll know that you left the article out not accidentally, and all that will likely happen is that they'll try to prove you wrong and raise their walls more so.
Another thing I've learned is that it doesn't matter if the WAS is going through MLC, romantic affairs, exit affairs, puberty (OK, I'm making a little joke here), what degree of fog they're in, OP or no OP, depressions, this that or the other... the bottom line remains significantly the same. You have a sitch that requires your patience and your GAL, detaching, focusing solely on yourself, building a friendship if you can with the WAS by you bending over backwards and rebuilding your life come what may and letting go... and if that attracts your ex back in time then that's what happens, period.
This is an tremendous post and it helped me a lot. My wife has become desperate to find her happiness and has become involved with and fallen in love with an unhappily married man. They also share a common hobby. In my distress I have gone to a psychiatrist 4 times. He has helped me to understand that until my wife is ready to get help that there will be no opportunity for relationship recovery. Reading this post helped me to understand the difficulty of situation she has created and actually helped to ease my anger with the situation.
That also describes by H to a T. My H finally told me he wanted a divorce two days ago. He is dealing with a lot of depression issues and needs to get back on medication.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
