Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise #923587 - 06/20/05 12:34 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll I though i would try something new, I have been predicatble again, figured I would not call about the baby and see if she call's me, we'll Friday came, Saturday came and no call, this is gut wrenching.
She did call Sat night to say she wanted my (S) 19 & (S) 11 to go to church at the regular mass we use to attend, then they would go to brunch of course without me for Fathers Day". I was going to go to a different Mass, but I said, "Why can't I go to church when I want to". So Sunday I did, my niece brought the Baby from her inside of the church to me in the vestibule, I was so happy !!!!!
I did go to communion with the Baby and I could feel all the eyes of everybody in the church looking at me, heck we have gone their since 1983. After church we were blessed and I waited outside, she came up and asked if I wanted the Baby after they go to brunch, I said if you do not mind that would be nice, then she walked about 6' away from me and as usual she was all smiles by everybody else and cold to me, I still stay positive all though this is getting old.
I went to the Gym afterwards, treated myself to a Jamba Juice, went to Blockbusters,(GAL) then came home by then (S) 16 Baby and Niece were there, lately she just drops off Baby without calling to say he's there, if I am not, but the main thing is they were all there.
(S) 16 finally understands what is going on in my house financially because of the money (W) took, without me telling him, notices how we always turn off the lights when nobodys in a room, turn water heater on 15min's before we shower then turn it back off again, turn off the computer when not in use and how we do not go out and spend money like it coming out of an ATM machine and if we do its for us as a family only, realizes the rent, telephone & TV checks bounced and services were going to be turned off. He's been coming around a lot more lately.
My coach advised me to put a sentimental card (To me from somebody else - only with initials on the inside)in a place that she could clearly see (When dropping off the Baby or picking up) I got a thinking of you card, when she picked up the Baby Sun night she was walking from the dining room and I made sure to open the fridge as it kinda blocks you if your walking from the dining room to the kitchen and paused for a few seconds long enough for her to see, not sure if she did or not. We'll see if that has any affect in the next coupla days". Also coach advised to arrange a telephone call to the house or my cell and act really happy when I answer and say I'll call you back in a few minutes:, I did this in the garage when she was putting the car seat in van to take the baby home.
Did it work, we'll see.
Positive for the day: * I stay positive and did not let the not being invited to the brunch let me down. * Treated myself to a Jamba Juice - something I do not normally do. * All my children, brother and sister in law and I were together with me for Fathers Day. * Received a nice card from Kids for Fathers day, also with words of encouragement supporting me during this time * * She talked to me, for a brief moment and smiled. * She came into the house for a few minutes.
Any advice on what else I can do?
Post Extras: inmyplace Member
Reged: 10/12/00 Posts: 3013 Loc: New England Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #923590 - 06/20/05 12:43 PM Edit Reply Quote
Lonely,
Bull$hit is bull$hit. Watch out, she could be happy you have "moved on." Honesty is the best policy.
IMP
Post Extras: kml Member
Reged: 01/18/03 Posts: 4975
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: inmyplace] #923641 - 06/20/05 02:14 PM Edit Reply Quote
I don't necessarily agree with IMP - lots of people have seen success with giving their WAS the impression they might be dating. Often works better for female LBSs thought than male LBSs - I think it really depends on whether your wife ever had reason to feel like you flirted with other women when you were married (in which case the WAW will just feel it is proof that you could neverbe trusted) versus if W saw you as the boring predictably guy who would always be there (in which case getting her to think about the fact that other women could find you attractive is a good thing).
Ellie
Post Extras: inmyplace Member
Reged: 10/12/00 Posts: 3013 Loc: New England Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: kml] #923738 - 06/20/05 04:26 PM Edit Reply Quote
Well, Ellie,
I was a flirt who was eminently trustable. Honesty always wins in the long run. Sorry, but I have known tons of people who did this nonsense and they are all divorced.
IMP
Post Extras: celestial Member
Reged: 04/24/05 Posts: 418
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: inmyplace] #923841 - 06/20/05 07:39 PM Edit Reply Quote
I have to agree with IMP. It may work, but not for long. Game playing is never a good idea. Honesty is always best. Game playing could & has backfired.
JMO Celestial
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 72
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: inmyplace] #925172 - 06/22/05 06:45 PM Edit Reply Quote
Thanks for the reply and your honesty, point taken.
At times it does feel like she has moved on, but I still keep hope.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 72
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: kml] #925178 - 06/22/05 07:00 PM Edit Reply Quote
I don't necessarily agree with IMP - lots of people have seen success with giving their WAS the impression they might be dating. Often works better for female LBSs thought than male LBSs - I think it really depends on whether your wife ever had reason to feel like you flirted with other women when you were married (in which case the WAW will just feel it is proof that you could neverbe trusted) versus if W saw you as the boring predictably guy who would always be there (in which case getting her to think about the fact that other women could find you attractive is a good thing).
Thanks for the reply and sorry I am so late getting back to you, this thread thing is comfusing me, I thought if I move from one forum to another it would follow me, but I guess not as my threads are spread between several different forums, wish I knew how to consolidate them into one.
I never flirted in front of her to make her jealous and lately I have been getting noticed at the Gym which makes me feel good.
Although since we have been separated I have become rather predictable, guess because I love the baby so, so much that she can drop him off friday and I'll keep him till sunday night no questions asked, just because I want to savor every moment with him.
I appreciate any suggestions you have, thanks again, as I am a newbie at this and I want to become a veteran.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 72
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: celestial] #925183 - 06/22/05 07:11 PM Edit Reply Quote
JMO thanks for the reply. I am not trying to put any pressure, crowd or challenge her, or change her opinion in any way, shape or form. I am doing things on her terms, immediately and happily.
I have not been confrontational in any way, the only time I was forced to do something I did not like doing when she withdrew the $ 2,300 from our joint checking account over a 3 month period, even then I was calm and wrote in my note I am not trying to be mean, please understand that if the bills do not get paid I will lose my job and we will have nothing. Game playing gets old after a while. I just wish I knew how someone you were with for so many years can become so hateful and resentful om a short period of time.
I have to agree with IMP. It may work, but not for long. Game playing is never a good idea. Honesty is always best. Game playing could & has backfired.
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925210 - 06/22/05 08:08 PM Edit Reply Quote
I HAVE MOVED MY POSTS FROM WALK AWAY WIFE TO MID LIFE CRISIS AS THIS SEEMS TO BE WHERE I GET THE MOST REPLIES
#915936 - 06/06/05 12:19 AM Edit Reply Quote
We'll my sitch is kinda long, but here goes.
I have been together with my her since 1983, married since 1987, love at 1st sight, 4 children, 19, 16, 11 & 17 months. Last few years have been rocky, both of us having affairs and the sense of her slipping, thought we had eveerything worked out when she became pregnant, was like a blessing from God and we were on colud 9 again, then she ran into a old girl friend from high school and everything started to go down hill again.
I was working a lot overseas and a lot of overtime to try and make ends meet and it seems like we put everything else in our lives as a priority except for our relation ship, kids, etc, etc. I was jealous and angered easily, guess its was because of insecurity with myself and me not being happy with me. Worried more about what others thought about my relationship, judging me.
Tried to talk to her about it and all I got was "I'm not happy", she would never tell me what was wrong.
I was drinking a lot prior to her leaving, I blacked out and hurt her, this was the 1st concious blackout I ever had, I lost 4 hours and had no clue what happened other than I made the most terrible mistake in my life on March 19, 2005.
I have been attending AA meeting and have not drank since then, for the 1st time in my life I realized my life was unmanageable and I did not want to live another day of my life like this. Have been attending anger management meetings and will attend for the next 30 weeks. Also attending a divorce and separation group. Have been trying to GAL, going to the gym, have not pursued nor told her what I am doing to get better, just doing.
My 19 and 11 year old are living with me, they tell me, "Dad we are so happy you are getting better", We have never seen you so calm and happy before. We want to stay with you, Mom is never home and is always on the phone, she does not care about us, but you do. Very moving.
She wrote me a letter after the situation and said 'We have always had a rock marriage, been to hell and back and always end up in the same situation", I love you I just can't be with you anymore, I need to find peace and take my life in a different direction. I replied, revalidated this and did not get into great detail, try to explain or justify my actions.
We have had casual contact since then, but only when she drops off or picks up the baby, I always try and make sure I have a smile on my face and am positive, and happy whenever she is here. Do not pursue her or put any pressure on her.
We'll I don't know if I mailed the coffin shut on my situation. Yesterday I received a notice of a bounced check in the mail, Since March I have been separated from my wife and been DB my brains out, she has been handling all the financial, paying bill's, I just let my check be deposited in the bank and trusted she would pay the bill's, this seemed to be our only common link and I was trying to build on this. I told her I would check the bank statements for the last 90 days and call back.
After checking the bank statement for the last 90 days she withdrew $ 2,300. I called her and spoke to her about it and very calmy and she says, "What?", I have not even gone to the commissary, all I do is get milk for the baby.
I have trusted her to pay the bills and she let me down, I can understand getting milk and gas and that kinda stuff but not $ 2,300 worth.
I calmy spoke to her about it and tried to be as nice as I could be about it, something I would have not have done in the past. Mentioned that I am trying to figure out what we could do to make our financial situation work.
Called her back later and mentioned maybe we should take care of our own bills, You pay your parents mortgage, your cell bill and a couple of others, you keep your pay check.
She called me later to pick up the baby and she asked if I wanted the bills, I said Yes, I provided her a printout of the bank statement with the ATM withdrawls highlighted and a note, Please understand I am not trying to be mean, but if the bills are not paid I will not have a job then we will have nothing, I have always provided for the family, I will gladly take care of whatever the children need just let me know what it is that they need but that is where it ends, I can only work so much overtime and I am getting burned out working about 20 hours of overtime a payperiod, the only other thing I can think of to make things better is maybe you might consider working full time.
I don't know if I nailed the divorce coffin shut, that is the last thing I ever want to happen, but my rent check bounced and as of this moment I am $ 1,000 in depbt.
I asked myself "If what I am about to do going to bring me closer or farther from my goal", I don't think I had any other choice, I wish I could have done otherwise, I really feel bad about this.
I welcome any advice any of you have to offer.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 33
Re: Help Save My Marriage and Family in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #921347 - 06/15/05 05:08 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll I received a notice from the bank about a bounced check, I called her and told her I'll look into it, after I started looking into it I realized that she had made $ 2,300 in ATM withdrawls over the last 3 months, every other day. I called her and in a calm voice explained I know what the problem there is $ 2,300 in ATM withdrawls, her reply was "What", " I don't even go to the commisarry" "All I buy is gas and milk for the baby". I told her "I trusted you to pay the bills" mentioned I'd call her later. Later we talked and she asked me if I want to take care of the Bills, I said Yes. I mentioned that she could pay her parents mortgage, cell phone, van payment and a couple of others. I would pay the bulk of the Credit Card's which is quite a lot !!!!!!!!!!!!
Her parents were building a 2nd story on their existing home and the plan was for them to move upstairs and we would move downstairs, 1/2 the mortgage for a little while then take over completely as my MIL just retired. We could barely afford to pay it even if we were still together and had both incomes combined.
I work about 20-30 hours of overtime a pay period, I work more in overtime than she does in 2 weeks. My rent check bounced, telephone was ready to be turned off as we'll as other bills. I was forced to open up my own checking account and have my paycheck deposited. I wrote her a note than said, I am not angry please understand that if the bill's are not paid I will lose my civilian job then we will have nothing, if you need anything I will gladly provide for the kids and you, I have always provided for you financially, my goal was for you to be able to stay home with the kid's and not have to work I can not increase my income anymore the only other choice might be for you to consider increaseing your hours at work or work full time. I agreed to pay her back (transfered money from house loan to joint checking account) for household bills and food and gas and thats all", she did not like that, but I did not get mad. I do not feel like I should have to pay for her party/entertainment fund. Her comment was "I'll pay what I have to pay"
Sat she comes to pick up the Baby, she is so angry, her body language, tone of voice, I even tried to tell her "About the ATM withdrawls don't worry about it, it's only money" I should have waited until the time was right. I still had a smile on my face and acted as if everything was "As if" O.K. and happy.
Her safe haven (Girlfriend) is leaving soon and she now does not have any money other than her paycheck and SHE DOES NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. Guess she is realizing that there is no longer a free ride. But for 3 months I let my checks be deposited and only took out a little money and she gave me a few checks every now and then for food, etc. Did not even go out or take my son out to do anything fun.
Why do I feel guilty? Why do I keep second guess what I did? By taking over paying the bills I have elimanated my only means of communication with her as she used to come to the house to pick up the bill's every now and then.
My DB coach Lori said for me to build on the financial issue as that was a common link with us, NOW WHAT DO I DO?
Before I did what I did I asked myself is this going to bring me closer or farther from my goal and I had no choice.
Appreciate any comments from you all.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 33
Re: Help Save My Marriage and Family in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #921908 - 06/16/05 05:08 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll yesterday I called her to see if she could drop off the Baby, my brother moved back from the mainland and has never seen the baby before. She sounded more happier than usual, I mentioned to he "When you are ready it would be nice to talk about our financial situation and what to do", SHE WAS SILENT AND DID NOT REPLY, this reinforces to me that the paperwork might already be done for the divorce.
We can barely afford to pay what bills we have, If I get slapped with child dupport and alimony I will be living on the street, I wish there was a way we could work this out financially together until things get better.
Did I screw up? Is there anything else I could have done? Is anybody out there?
JMO thanks for the reply. I am not trying to put any pressure, crowd or challenge her, or change her opinion in any way, shape or form. I am doing things on her terms, immediately and happily.
I have not been confrontational in any way, the only time I was forced to do something I did not like doing when she withdrew the $ 2,300 from our joint checking account over a 3 month period, even then I was calm and wrote in my note I am not trying to be mean, please understand that if the bills do not get paid I will lose my job and we will have nothing. Game playing gets old after a while. I just wish I knew how someone you were with for so many years can become so hateful and resentful om a short period of time.
I have to agree with IMP. It may work, but not for long. Game playing is never a good idea. Honesty is always best. Game playing could & has backfired.
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925218 - 06/22/05 08:22 PM Edit Reply Quote
I HAVED MOVED MY POSTS FROM NEED SUPPORT FOR MY MARRIAGE TO MID LIFE CRISIS AS THIS SEEMS TO BE THE LOCATION WHERE I GET THE MOST REPLIES, AT LEAST YOU'LL GET THE WHOLE STORY HERE.
Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise #924243 - 06/21/05 12:58 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll still trying to figure out if I created a thread correctly. Don't really seem to be getting a lot of replies or suggestions, I consider now consider this to be my journal.
Last night spoke with (W), seems the best time to approach her, talk to her is between 6-7am or after 9:00pm. (S) 11 and I drove by the in-laws house to drop off the Fathers day card for her Dad, and The mothers day card for her from the Baby to her (Of course I got it for her) left it in the mailbox and called her later on to tell her cards were in the mailbox. I have not heard that happy tone of voice from her in a long time, we talked about baby and how he wants to feed himself and how he flings food all over the place when he does Asked if he had a toilet training seat at her dad's house (No), she asked if I could bring the one from the closet down and set it aside for her to pick up. Spoke about finances and what i am doing to knock interest rate down on credit cards. I offered to help her out financially even though she took out $ 2,300 (See my previous posts), just wanted to show unconditional love to her. She says you need to take care of the boys and your bill's too, I'll be allright although I know she can't pay for all the bill's she has, she even said }If you or the boys need anything I'll help out where I can".
She previously said "I need to take control of my life and take it in a different direction", I did not offer to fix anything or make any suggestions, this is not something I would have done in the past. Just a lot of good chit chat and small talk friendly talk.
She will bring my some paperwork about (S) 11 ukelele lessons and an upcoming concert.
I will continue to build on our common interests, Family and Finances as Laurie myu (DB) coach had suggested.
Positive: * Longest conversation we had since Mar 2005. * Happiest tone of voice since Mar 2005. * No talk of (D) or (R) * We both offered to help each other financially even though we both are struggling * Spoke of future events involving kids * Another day that God has blessed me * Baby steps continue around me, all I have to do is pay attention.
Post Extras: HopingtoFly Junior Member
Reged: 06/21/05 Posts: 4
Re: Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #924653 - 06/22/05 07:10 AM Edit Reply Quote
Hiya,
I read through your situation and it sounds like you are doing all that you can right now. I am sure that this must be very difficult for you but keep up the good work. I suggest being a little more mysterious and everytime you see her acting as happy as you can... make her wonder a bit why you are so happy! I know that this seems to work for me and sometimes it can actually rub off on them. I liked your comparison to the monkeys in my situation, I understand completely.
You have posted correctly, I think that its just slow around here right now, hopefully we will both get some more input about our situations, but for now we can cheer eachother on I am going to spend today trying to focus on more 180's I can accomplish. I already ordered my learn french cd and I need to sit down and figure out a good work out schedule for myself that I stick too. My best bet would be to get up early and do it so he sees me doing it daily, this will be a 180 as I usually start something but never finish
I am sorry that she is still being cold with you and I can imagine the heart stopping feelings I have been experiencing those as well. Keep us updated on how you are doing!
Kristy
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 32
Re: Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: HopingtoFly] #924893 - 06/22/05 12:00 PM Edit Reply Quote
Kristy:
Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me.
I like your suggestion about being mysterious, I guess I have been a little predictable lately, last time I was really mysterious was a coupla months ago when I went to the mainland for 7 days and told everyone that I was in a different town on Island with some friends, she called around looking for me, said I lost a lot of weight I have never done anything like this before and they are worried. Of course once I got back she gave no sign to me, but that did not matter cause I knew how she really felt.
No matter what kind of contact I have, I continue to do the happy thing tough as it is.
The cold shoulder gets old after a while yeah? But I remember reading "Do not beleive 50% of what you see and hear from them".
Good 180 getting the learning french CD and a commited sense to accomplish your goal. Whenever I use to have an overwhelming task I would say to myself, "How do you eat an elephant - One bite at a time". Step by step. At least your (H) is in the same house as you !!!!!!
I look forward to sharing sitch's with you as I feel we can learn and help each other.
I read through your situation and it sounds like you are doing all that you can right now. I am sure that this must be very difficult for you but keep up the good work. I suggest being a little more mysterious and everytime you see her acting as happy as you can... make her wonder a bit why you are so happy! I know that this seems to work for me and sometimes it can actually rub off on them. I liked your comparison to the monkeys in my situation, I understand completely.
You have posted correctly, I think that its just slow around here right now, hopefully we will both get some more input about our situations, but for now we can cheer eachother on I am going to spend today trying to focus on more 180's I can accomplish. I already ordered my learn french cd and I need to sit down and figure out a good work out schedule for myself that I stick too. My best bet would be to get up early and do it so he sees me doing it daily, this will be a 180 as I usually start something but never finish
I am sorry that she is still being cold with you and I can imagine the heart stopping feelings I have been experiencing those as well. Keep us updated on how you are doing!
Re: Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925141 - 06/22/05 05:46 PM Edit Reply Quote
The dream, well since I am making this my official journal, last night I had a dream 1st one since we informally separated March 20, 2005. I was in a restaraunt with big windows and there were the kids things here and there on the floor in little piles. My father in law was in his SUV and pulled out of the carport and clipped a post that was swinging freely, I walked up to the carport pushed it and 1/2 of it collaspsed right down the center. Now we are in a house and I was at the kitchen counter looking for some food, the food I wanted was being heated up, my wife came up to me and held me, said she loved me and had listened to one of her friends who said I was sinister and she should not have listened to them, then we made love, she asked me if I wanted a bible and I said yes, then pulled out a mini vibrato_. Went back outside and all the Aunties and Uncles are all together like its a holiday or something. All my kids are sitting on the couch looking at us smiling. We walked outside as I had to go to work and my 11 year old son was in my truck trying to start it, then I woke up.
It felt so real when I was with her that I wished I never woke up, felt so comfortable and happy.
I called her yesterday and she has not returned my call, I am begining to wonder if I should stop calling as a 180. Did that Fathers day weekend and unless I went to Sunday Mass I probably would not have seen the baby.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Any interpetations of the dream are also appreciated the only thing that might have induced this was an intense, intense, intense workout at the gym, physical exhaustion.
Post Extras:
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 72
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925227 - 06/22/05 08:31 PM Edit Reply Quote
I HAVED MOVED MY POSTS FROM NEED SUPPORT FOR MY MARRIAGE TO MID LIFE CRISIS AS THIS SEEMS TO BE THE LOCATION WHERE I GET THE MOST REPLIES, AT LEAST YOU'LL GET THE WHOLE STORY HERE.
Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise #924243 - 06/21/05 12:58 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll still trying to figure out if I created a thread correctly. Don't really seem to be getting a lot of replies or suggestions, I consider now consider this to be my journal.
Last night spoke with (W), seems the best time to approach her, talk to her is between 6-7am or after 9:00pm. (S) 11 and I drove by the in-laws house to drop off the Fathers day card for her Dad, and The mothers day card for her from the Baby to her (Of course I got it for her) left it in the mailbox and called her later on to tell her cards were in the mailbox. I have not heard that happy tone of voice from her in a long time, we talked about baby and how he wants to feed himself and how he flings food all over the place when he does Asked if he had a toilet training seat at her dad's house (No), she asked if I could bring the one from the closet down and set it aside for her to pick up. Spoke about finances and what i am doing to knock interest rate down on credit cards. I offered to help her out financially even though she took out $ 2,300 (See my previous posts), just wanted to show unconditional love to her. She says you need to take care of the boys and your bill's too, I'll be allright although I know she can't pay for all the bill's she has, she even said }If you or the boys need anything I'll help out where I can".
She previously said "I need to take control of my life and take it in a different direction", I did not offer to fix anything or make any suggestions, this is not something I would have done in the past. Just a lot of good chit chat and small talk friendly talk.
She will bring my some paperwork about (S) 11 ukelele lessons and an upcoming concert.
I will continue to build on our common interests, Family and Finances as Laurie myu (DB) coach had suggested.
Positive: * Longest conversation we had since Mar 2005. * Happiest tone of voice since Mar 2005. * No talk of (D) or (R) * We both offered to help each other financially even though we both are struggling * Spoke of future events involving kids * Another day that God has blessed me * Baby steps continue around me, all I have to do is pay attention.
Post Extras: HopingtoFly Junior Member
Reged: 06/21/05 Posts: 4
Re: Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #924653 - 06/22/05 07:10 AM Edit Reply Quote
Hiya,
I read through your situation and it sounds like you are doing all that you can right now. I am sure that this must be very difficult for you but keep up the good work. I suggest being a little more mysterious and everytime you see her acting as happy as you can... make her wonder a bit why you are so happy! I know that this seems to work for me and sometimes it can actually rub off on them. I liked your comparison to the monkeys in my situation, I understand completely.
You have posted correctly, I think that its just slow around here right now, hopefully we will both get some more input about our situations, but for now we can cheer eachother on I am going to spend today trying to focus on more 180's I can accomplish. I already ordered my learn french cd and I need to sit down and figure out a good work out schedule for myself that I stick too. My best bet would be to get up early and do it so he sees me doing it daily, this will be a 180 as I usually start something but never finish
I am sorry that she is still being cold with you and I can imagine the heart stopping feelings I have been experiencing those as well. Keep us updated on how you are doing!
Kristy
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 32
Re: Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: HopingtoFly] #924893 - 06/22/05 12:00 PM Edit Reply Quote
Kristy:
Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me.
I like your suggestion about being mysterious, I guess I have been a little predictable lately, last time I was really mysterious was a coupla months ago when I went to the mainland for 7 days and told everyone that I was in a different town on Island with some friends, she called around looking for me, said I lost a lot of weight I have never done anything like this before and they are worried. Of course once I got back she gave no sign to me, but that did not matter cause I knew how she really felt.
No matter what kind of contact I have, I continue to do the happy thing tough as it is.
The cold shoulder gets old after a while yeah? But I remember reading "Do not beleive 50% of what you see and hear from them".
Good 180 getting the learning french CD and a commited sense to accomplish your goal. Whenever I use to have an overwhelming task I would say to myself, "How do you eat an elephant - One bite at a time". Step by step. At least your (H) is in the same house as you !!!!!!
I look forward to sharing sitch's with you as I feel we can learn and help each other.
I read through your situation and it sounds like you are doing all that you can right now. I am sure that this must be very difficult for you but keep up the good work. I suggest being a little more mysterious and everytime you see her acting as happy as you can... make her wonder a bit why you are so happy! I know that this seems to work for me and sometimes it can actually rub off on them. I liked your comparison to the monkeys in my situation, I understand completely.
You have posted correctly, I think that its just slow around here right now, hopefully we will both get some more input about our situations, but for now we can cheer eachother on I am going to spend today trying to focus on more 180's I can accomplish. I already ordered my learn french cd and I need to sit down and figure out a good work out schedule for myself that I stick too. My best bet would be to get up early and do it so he sees me doing it daily, this will be a 180 as I usually start something but never finish
I am sorry that she is still being cold with you and I can imagine the heart stopping feelings I have been experiencing those as well. Keep us updated on how you are doing!
Re: Help me save my Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925141 - 06/22/05 05:46 PM Edit Reply Quote
The dream, well since I am making this my official journal, last night I had a dream 1st one since we informally separated March 20, 2005. I was in a restaraunt with big windows and there were the kids things here and there on the floor in little piles. My father in law was in his SUV and pulled out of the carport and clipped a post that was swinging freely, I walked up to the carport pushed it and 1/2 of it collaspsed right down the center. Now we are in a house and I was at the kitchen counter looking for some food, the food I wanted was being heated up, my wife came up to me and held me, said she loved me and had listened to one of her friends who said I was sinister and she should not have listened to them, then we made love, she asked me if I wanted a bible and I said yes, then pulled out a mini vibrato_. Went back outside and all the Aunties and Uncles are all together like its a holiday or something. All my kids are sitting on the couch looking at us smiling. We walked outside as I had to go to work and my 11 year old son was in my truck trying to start it, then I woke up.
It felt so real when I was with her that I wished I never woke up, felt so comfortable and happy.
I called her yesterday and she has not returned my call, I am begining to wonder if I should stop calling as a 180. Did that Fathers day weekend and unless I went to Sunday Mass I probably would not have seen the baby.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Any interpetations of the dream are also appreciated the only thing that might have induced this was an intense, intense, intense workout at the gym, physical exhaustion.
HERE ARE MY POSTS FROM NEWCOMERS MOVED TO MIDLIFE CRISIS HOPE I AM NOT CONFUSING EVERYONE, BUT BY THE TIME THIS IS SAID AND DONE YOU CAN PROBABLY FIGURE OUT WHATS GOING ON WITH MY SITCH
Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Paradise #918945 - 06/10/05 05:10 PM Edit Reply Quote
quote]
I am looking for help as we'll. My sitch is as follows. I have been separated since March 20, 2005. We have been together since 1983, married since 1987, 4 children 19,16,11 and 17 months. For me it started with her telling me "I'm not happy" with no explanation why or what is wrong, caught her chatting on line and e-mailing other guys, also having a affair, it seems like a one night stand kinda thing but it hurt just the same. I am no angel either and know I have contributed a lot to our problems, but words can not describe the pain you feel when someone cheats on you.
Seems like a kinda midlife crisis combination kinda thing, she is searching for something, knows something is missing, has a knawing sense to do something about it, but does not know what it is that she wants, seems to be substituting what is happening at the moment for what it is that she thinks is missing in her life. She is not the person I knew and at times is so cold. Enough analyzing.
It is a daily struggle but I do not give up hope. I have done some serious soul searching and I realize that change begins with me. Have stopped drinking been attending AA meetings, belong to a separation support group and have just started attending anger management class and pray daily for Gods help. I do this for me, not for hopes that this will bring her back. Need to make myself happy and change myself then everything else follows along with using DB techniques. I work out at the gym fanatically and am in the best physical shape I have ever been in, I live my life for my children.
She wrote me a letter that said we have always had a rocky marriage and we always end up in the same situation again. After reading DR I realize that I have been using the wrong tools all these years. I basically acknowledged the letter and revalidated her feelings without getting into detail, also offered to pick up the separation paperwork so we can start dividing up our stuff.
I am finding out that the few items we share a common bond are financial and our children, I continue to try and build on this, "Doing what works" and although very difficult she seems to be more relaxed when we speak. The most difficult thing right now is being patient while we are separated, she is going on a party, party, party spree but I am, for the moment holding my own and beleive me it is not easy. But I am fighting for my family.
I did a kinda 180 when I went to the mainland and told my niece I was at a friends house for 9 days, she called up my relatives saying I have never done anything like this before, have lost so much weight. Upon my return she was very cold but I did not let it bother me. Did it work?
Although the 2 times I see her during the week (Drop off and pick up baby) I wish we had more eye contact, but I guess the main thing is everything seems to be in a holding pattern and not getting any worse, no discussion of divorce.
We'll that just changed, she said there is some paperwork that we need discuss, why is my hear beating a million times a second right now. I don't want this.
What else can I do?
Someone please help !!!!!!
Post Extras: TJBrk Member
Reged: 04/27/05 Posts: 144
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #919008 - 06/10/05 10:48 PM Edit Reply Quote
Hey man all you can do is what you are doing right now. I'm down a similiar path, but I'm lucky we have no children. I've come to one strong conclusion about this place. It is more about saving your self and giving your soul some grace back, than it is about saving your marriage. If your marriage ends up saved that is just extra gravy.
And if you get a chance. On a bright moon lit night. Grab a long board and take a ride or four for me
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: TJBrk] #920702 - 06/14/05 06:40 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll I received a notice from the bank about a bounced check, I called her and told her I'll look into it, after I started looking into it I realized that she had made $ 2,300 in ATM withdrawls over the last 3 months, every other day. I called her and in a calm voice explained I know what the problem there is $ 2,300 in ATM withdrawls, her reply was "What", " I don't even go to the commisarry" "All I buy is gas and milk for the baby". I told her "I trusted you to pay the bills" mentioned I'd call her later. Later we talked and she asked me if I want to take care of the Bills, I said Yes. I mentioned that she could pay her parents mortgage, cell phone, van payment and a couple of others. I would pay the bulk of the Credit Card's which is quite a lot !!!!!!!!!!!!
Her parents were building a 2nd story on their existing home and the plan was for them to move upstairs and we would move downstairs, 1/2 the mortgage for a little while then take over completely as my MIL just retired. We could barely afford to pay it even if we were still together and had both incomes combined.
I work about 20-30 hours of overtime a pay period, I work more in overtime than she does in 2 weeks. My rent check bounced, telephone was ready to be turned off as we'll as other bills. I was forced to open up my own checking account and have my paycheck deposited. I wrote her a note than said, I am not angry please understand that if the bill's are not paid I will lose my civilian job then we will have nothing, if you need anything I will gladly provide for the kids and you, I have always provided for you financially, my goal was for you to be able to stay home with the kid's and not have to work I can not increase my income anymore the only other choice might be for you to consider increaseing your hours at work or work full time. I agreed to pay her back (transfered money from house loan to joint checking account) for household bills and food and gas and thats all", she did not like that, but I did not get mad. I do not feel like I should have to pay for her party/entertainment fund. Her comment was "I'll pay what I have to pay"
Sat she comes to pick up the Baby, she is so angry, her body language, tone of voice, I even tried to tell her "About the ATM withdrawls don't worry about it, it's only money" I should have waited until the time was right. I still had a smile on my face and acted as if everything was "As if" O.K. and happy.
Her safe haven (Girlfriend) is leaving soon and she now does not have any money other than her paycheck and SHE DOES NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. Guess she is realizing that there is no longer a free ride. But for 3 months I let my checks be deposited and only took out a little money and she gave me a few checks every now and then for food, etc. Did not even go out or take my son out to do anything fun.
Why do I feel guilty? Why do I keep second guess what I did? By taking over paying the bills I have elimanated my only means of communication with her as she used to come to the house to pick up the bill's every now and then.
My DB coach Lori said for me to build on the financial issue as that was a common link with us, NOW WHAT DO I DO?
Before I did what I did I asked myself is this going to bring me closer or farther from my goal and I had no choice.
Appreciate any comments from you all.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #921336 - 06/15/05 04:57 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll another notice from the Bank, so I took care of this last check and our account is now closed. Why did it have to come to this, I'll never know.
I wish her anger and hatred would stop and she would forgive me, but I can only control my actions not her reactions.
I did call her and told if she receives a call from the place she wrote the check to, to tell them I am taking care of it right now. I mentioned I was able to lower the interest rates on one of our credit cards from 26.99% to 6.99%. She said thats good we need to save some money, I mentioned to her that as soon as I pay all the bill's I will see what is left then I can help her out, she said that she is "OK." I mentioned I want to make sure that they are taken care of.
(S) 16 came over the house last night and I mentioned to him that if he needs anything, anything at all to call me and I will gladly get it for him, I did give him $ 20 to buy slippers and he was very happy, he apologized for not coming over more often, I told him we will always be here for you.
My niece and (S) got into a heated discussion with her slamming the door and leaving the house, my (B) & (S) found her, I spoke with her on the phone and said I know you do a lot to help around the house, if not for you we could not make it, I love and and I really appreciate what you do, she sniffled and said "Uncle you are doing such a good job right now handling yourself, you don't get mad like you use to". At least I know I'm doing something right, wish my (W) would notice.
Did I do the right thing by calling my (W) about the $$$.
What else can I do?
This impending paperwork talk, more than likely to either sign divorce paperwork already done, or to do is driving me nuts.
Should I see a lawyer.
I was trying to go dark but think I blew that one.
Anything other suggestions, I need all the help I can get
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #921891 - 06/16/05 04:41 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll yesterday I called her to see if she could drop off the Baby, my brother moved back from the mainland and has never seen the baby before. She sounded more happier than usual, I mentioned to he "When you are ready it would be nice to talk about our financial situation and what to do", SHE WAS SILENT AND DID NOT REPLY, this reinforces to me that the paperwork might already be done for the divorce.
We can barely afford to pay what bills we have, If I get slapped with child dupport and alimony I will be living on the street, I wish there was a way we could work this out financially together until things get better.
Did I screw up? Is there anything else I could have done? Is anybody out there?
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #922495 - 06/17/05 05:44 PM Edit Reply Quote
Well last night was very stressful, When I was attending my anger management class my (S)11 son called me on my cell phone at 6:30pm and said he is walking a friend home and would call me as soon as he gets back. I got home around 8:30pm he was not there and there was no note, I thought he was next door and checked, not there. Started driving around the neighborhood looking for him, eventually my brother, (S) 19 and I were driving all over looking for him, I was so scared that he was kidnapped, all I could do is pace around looking at my watch. I was ready to call the police when at 10:30pm received a call and he is at the grandparents house, once place I do not call as (W) is now staying there. My niece came over the house and saw him sitting outside the house and asked if he wanted to go with her to pick up her clothes from grandparents house and he tagged along with her, he asked her if she left a note for my Dad and she said yes but did not. I picked them up and Bottom line is I gave him the biggest hug when I saw him, did not get mad, explained how scared I was that he was kidnapped or dead and I was ready to call the police, I could see in their eyes that they understood what I meant and the hurt they caused not thinking about it, I left it at that and did not mention it again. Although when I was at the grandparents house I noticed my (W)'s van was not there, my heart skipped a beat then I moved on.
This morning had a really good (DB) with Laurie, I though I was not making much progress but she pointed out major accomplishements that I did not see and gave some very valuable suggestions on things I can try. Thanks Laurie.
Its nice to have real family on the Island once again and I am GAL and feeling happy and secure with myself as I control my happiness and thoughts. I am the one who allows me to get all depressed, angry, jealous or worry about where she is, she she is with, etc, etc.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: TJBrk] #922497 - 06/17/05 05:46 PM Edit Reply Quote
Can anybody tell me if I created this thread properly?
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #923579 - 06/20/05 12:15 PM Edit Reply Quote
We'll I though i would try something new, I have been predicatble again, figured I would not call about the baby and see if she call's me, we'll Friday came, Saturday came and no call, this is gut wrenching.
She did call Sat night to say she wanted my (S) 19 & (S) 11 to go to church at the regular mass we use to attend, then they would go to brunch of course without me for Fathers Day". I was going to go to a different Mass, but I said, "Why can't I go to church when I want to". So Sunday I did, my niece brought the Baby from her inside of the church to me in the vestibule, I was so happy !!!!!
I did go to communion with the Baby and I could feel all the eyes of everybody in the church looking at me, heck we have gone their since 1983. After church we were blessed and I waited outside, she came up and asked if I wanted the Baby after they go to brunch, I said if you do not mind that would be nice, then she walked about 6' away from me and as usual she was all smiles by everybody else and cold to me, I still stay positive all though this is getting old.
I went to the Gym afterwards, treated myself to a Jamba Juice, went to Blockbusters,(GAL) then came home by then (S) 16 Baby and Niece were there, lately she just drops off Baby without calling to say he's there, if I am not, but the main thing is they were all there.
(S) 16 finally understands what is going on in my house financially because of the money (W) took, without me telling him, notices how we always turn off the lights when nobodys in a room, turn water heater on 15min's before we shower then turn it back off again, turn off the computer when not in use and how we do not go out and spend money like it coming out of an ATM machine and if we do its for us as a family only, realizes the rent, telephone & TV checks bounced and services were going to be turned off. He's been coming around a lot more lately.
My coach advised me to put a sentimental card (To me from somebody else - only with initials on the inside)in a place that she could clearly see (When dropping off the Baby or picking up) I got a thinking of you card, when she picked up the Baby Sun night she was walking from the dining room and I made sure to open the fridge as it kinda blocks you if your walking from the dining room to the kitchen and paused for a few seconds long enough for her to see, not sure if she did or not. We'll see if that has any affect in the next coupla days". Also coach advised to arrange a telephone call to the house or my cell and act really happy when I answer and say I'll call you back in a few minutes:, I did this in the garage when she was putting the car seat in van to take the baby home.
Did it work, we'll see.
Positive for the day: * I stay positive and did not let the not being invited to the brunch let me down. * Treated myself to a Jamba Juice - something I do not normally do. * All my children, brother and sister in law and I were together with me for Fathers Day. * Received a nice card from Kids for Fathers day, also with words of encouragement supporting me during this time * * She talked to me, for a brief moment and smiled. * She came into the house for a few minutes.
Any advice on what else I can do?
Post Extras: Laurie DB Coach
Reged: 02/17/02 Posts: 447 Loc: DB Telephone Coach Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #923644 - 06/20/05 02:18 PM Edit Reply Quote
Dear L in K, Glad to hear you are starting to put a few more changes into your routine!
Also, it was good to hear she smiled at least once, when it sounds like she has generally been cold. What was going on that she actually smiled at you? Also, you were hoping she would come into the house again, and she did...so small, but good steps are happening....
.....and you are listing your positive reactions, too! Keep it up and now that I found you, I will pop back!
-------------------- Laurie Divorce Busting Relationship Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 815-337-8000 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with Laurie - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: Laurie] #923896 - 06/20/05 09:16 PM Edit Reply Quote
Laurie:
Thank God you found me, you are my ray of sunshine in a turbulent world of chaos.
I followed your advice about the card and actually did speak with her a few minutes ago, the kids forgot to bring the Grand Fathers card to the Fathers day brunch. I asked if her she wanted us to bring it by later or if she wanted to pick it up. Also the kids forgot to bring her the Mothers Day card from the Baby, I asked if she still wanted it, she said "Yes". When I spoke with her I have not heard that tone of voice in a very, very long time. Baby steps I guess.
She's supposed to call me back later on.
I'll go pick up some Axe cologne next !!!!!
Please check on me every now and then, I really do appreciate all your help and guidance.
Edited by LonelyInKaneohe (06/20/05 09:20 PM)
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 35
Re: Need Help Saving my Marriage & Family in Parad [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925197 - 06/22/05 07:54 PM Edit Reply Quote
I HAVE MOVED MY THREAD TO MIDLIFE CRISIS AS THAT IS WHERE I AM GETTING THE MOST REPLIES, HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE
Thank God you found me, you are my ray of sunshine in a turbulent world of chaos.
I followed your advice about the card and actually did speak with her a few minutes ago, the kids forgot to bring the Grand Fathers card to the Fathers day brunch. I asked if her she wanted us to bring it by later or if she wanted to pick it up. Also the kids forgot to bring her the Mothers Day card from the Baby, I asked if she still wanted it, she said "Yes". When I spoke with her I have not heard that tone of voice in a very, very long time. Baby steps I guess.
She's supposed to call me back later on.
I'll go pick up some Axe cologne next !!!!!
Please check on me every now and then, I really do appreciate all your help and guidance.
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #925862 - 06/23/05 09:35 PM Edit Reply Quote
I am getting stonger as each day passes. I pray for God to soften her heart, to remove the anger, hate & resentment from her and replace it with forgiveness, hope and a time of reflection free from the distractions of others, to remember the good times our family shared, and for God to have mercy o us and save my family, let his will, not mine be done.
She is calling my friends and family in the mainland, I have not bothered to call them nor do I desire to know what they discussed, my gut instinct tells me she might be bringing closure to her relationship with them and telling them she will be divorcing me, WHY DON'T I GIVE HER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what else I can do at this point.
I don't want to call her, sometimes she returns calls, sometimes she does not. IS IS CONSIDERED A 180 IF I STOP CALLING? Even if I want to see the Baby?
I AM OPEN FOR ANY SUGGESTIONS !!!!!
Post Extras: Laurie DB Coach
Reged: 02/17/02 Posts: 460 Loc: DB Telephone Coach Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: LonelyInKaneohe] #926176 - 06/24/05 01:25 PM Edit Reply Quote
Well, how many times did you call her and/or have contact with her this last week?
-------------------- Laurie Divorce Busting Relationship Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 815-337-8000 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with Laurie - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Post Extras: LonelyInKaneohe Member
Reged: 05/10/05 Posts: 72
Re: Help Save My Family and Marriage in Paradise [Re: Laurie] #926212 - 06/24/05 02:16 PM Edit Reply Quote
Aloha Laurie: Thanks for checking in on me, I had contact with her 3x.
A phone call Monday evening, seems like the right time to call her is after 9:00 p.m, that was a nice long conversation, small talk happy talk about family and finances.
Sunday when I went to church and my niece brought the Baby to me from inside the church to the vestibule, then when she came to pick up the baby.
After my anger management class finished one of the guys in the class came up to me and said "How do you stay so calm when all of those things are happening to you"? That made me feel good.
My niece told me this morning, I don't know why auntie is being so
