Very up and down week. She said she was going to file 10 days ago but hasn't yet. Said she wanted all of the financial docs, but later said to take my time. I saw her in person for the first time in more than three weeks a couple days ago, then, within the last 24 hours, she has extended invitations to me to do two different things with her and the kids. I know for a fact she is still involved w/ OM, and am not taking these things with too much hope, but still think they are somewhat significant. Any comments?
That's wonderful news that the paperwork hasn't been filed.
Quote: am not taking these things with too much hope, but still think they are somewhat significant.
Sometimes its the little things that we need to hold onto to keep us going. I personally don't believe you can go from being lovers to just being friends over night. So I would look at the babysteps she is offering and hold onto it. Is it possible she is in the state of confusion? Trying to decide on which man would be best in her life?
When you saw her for the first time in 3 weeks, what happened? Have you changed lots in that time? Has she?
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
I know for a fact that she is confused. She spoke with a good friend recently and was in tears most of the time repeating, "I have no idea what I'm doing." I am trying to be her friend and trying to remember that she is probably hurting a hell of a lot more that I am, and that is a lot!
I believe I am looking healthier and tanner then the last time I saw her, and was wearing some different style of clothes that she is used to seeing me in. Maybe these 180s are making an impression!
Regarding her changing, I know she is seeing the OM and his daughters more frequently. Believe it or not, I like that. The more time they spend together, to faster the illusion will disintegrate, and hopefully, the EA will end. Also, I wonder if she will tell him that she is spending this time with me. I have read that one of the first signs of the EA ending is when the WA started lying to the OP about their activities with their spouse.
Well, I picked her and the kids up and we had a very nice evening together. On the way back to her apartment she said, “There’s a new nightclub in town, maybe we should go there sometime.” She also told me how she hates her apartment and I noticed that after two months, the pictures are still sitting on the floor, not yet hung up. She told me that tonight was “very nice,” and kissed me before I left. I know, I know, I’m trying to not read too much into it, but this is one of the nicest nights I have had since all this started!
Keep doing what you're doing, man. You're doing VERY WELL! Remember, don't get too enthusiastic, DONT look for reassurance or clarification from her about if she is confused or not. She is, and her ACTIONS are showing you that, (the kiss, asking you out!) but don't try to get her to say it or see it. Be ready if she distances from you, because that is very common. Don't let it get you down too much. But also don't reject her if she comes to you--how'd you reply about going to the new nightclub? Don't bring it up again and let her bring it up, then GO if she wants to. EXUDE CONFIDENCE, make her smile when you have contact. Review that section of DB on "monitoring results." Good luck, and keep it going!
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
I know for a fact that she is confused. She spoke with a good friend recently and was in tears most of the time repeating, "I have no idea what I'm doing." I am trying to be her friend and trying to remember that she is probably hurting a hell of a lot more that I am, and that is a lot!
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My friend, I can so relate to your situation. I hear from a lot of friends that my (W) is confused as well. Although we are separated, it seems as if she is masking the problems we are having with (B). Like you, I want them to spend as much time as they can together, sooner or later reality will set in, will he pay her bills, acknowledge her 4 kids, especially the baby, etc, etc.
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I believe I am looking healthier and tanner then the last time I saw her, and was wearing some different style of clothes that she is used to seeing me in. Maybe these 180s are making an impression!
Quote: Work on you and then work some more, I have been going to the Gym a LOT, they may seem like they are not paying attention, but they are.
Regarding her changing, I know she is seeing the OM and his daughters more frequently. Believe it or not, I like that. The more time they spend together, to faster the illusion will disintegrate, and hopefully, the EA will end. Also, I wonder if she will tell him that she is spending this time with me. I have read that one of the first signs of the EA ending is when the WA started lying to the OP about their activities with their spouse.
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Read the book, his needs, her needs, this will provide a lot if insight as to why we do the things we do and why spouses have affairs.
At this point, I have no expectations for my (R), all I can do is be a stable father for 2 of the 4 children who live with me, and be there for (S) 16 sho lives with her, he has been coming around the house a lot lately, she is never there for him. my heart goes out to the baby who does not know any better.
Quote: "Be ready if she distances from you, because that is very common."
GG- my God, are you psychic??? She already did. She dropped the kids’ suitcase off at the house this morning and saw that I had installed some lights in the front yard. She called later and left a tearful message asking why I didn’t do that before when she asked. Later on the phone she went back into the same mantra about not wanting to be married, etc etc. She emailed me a rather venomous letter about getting her own house, living her own life, and that she wish she had started a long time ago.
I was somewhat expecting this. I figured that she would realize that she liked being with me last night and her guilt defenses would kick into overdrive. I am standing back, and trying to realize that this too shall pass, I HOPE!
No, not psychic; unfortunately, just personally well experienced with the "pinging effect." I've lived it & it's well described here in so many other sitch's.
Many times, you will have the answers to your own questions, e.g.
Quote: I figured that she would realize that she liked being with me last night and her guilt defenses would kick into overdrive.
Bingo.
And the solutions:
Quote: I am standing back, and trying to realize that this too shall pass
Bingo, again.
So your biggest challenge will be to CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS & Actually Stand Back, or respond, like you KNOW you should. HOW you respond makes the difference. Just ignore everything she said, don't confront her with it, don't look for reassurance, STAND Back, & let the iron cool down. What kind of 180 could you do that would just blow her mind & make her see you as an even greater guy? Instead of a resentful one? Behave THAT way.
Ya see, (and you know it already) that wall she has built was shaken up pretty hard recently & she has to rebuild it pretty quickly. That's what you were hearing. Learn to listen not to the WORDS she says, but to the MESSAGE she is communicating and then, dont REACT to her words, but respond to her by Validating her--"Yeah, you're right, I never did get those lights installed. I feel bad for times I might have made you feel you're requests weren't important to me."
You're doing very good man, keep it going! Keep posting, practicing, and learning.
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
(Thanks again GG, I was writing the following just as you were posting your response, and as you see, you were right again! As you can see, I backslid a little and got defensive, but have learned no to do that again.)
I wanted to post and encourage others to believe what they read here and follow the advice given. If you have read my last few posts, you will see that Thursday night my W and I went out with the kids for the first time as a family in two months. She and I had a wonderful time and she even mentioned future plans with me and gave me a kiss before I left. I posted my progress that night and heard back from GGoingEZ suggesting that I be prepared for her to distance herself as that was common.
Within 12 hours she did just that. She found a reason to get extremely angry at me and took it to the limit. She sent no less than three very harsh emails to me throughout the day telling me that in essence it was over. Because of GG’s response and other posts I have read, I was somewhat expecting her response and understood it.
Another piece of advice I noted from an earlier post was to not point out the 180s you are doing to your spouse that he/she will surely notice them, but if you look for acknowledgement, you will get shot down.
Well, that too was right. In response to one of her emails I got defensive and tried to explain to her why I did something. The something was in fact on of my 180s. She responded very sarcastically and venomous with a “Yeah, whatever.”
So, what have I learned? #1, when I have a chance to be with her and enjoy it, don’t be surprised if she distanced herself quickly after. #2, don’t be defensive with her. Validate her but let it slide otherwise.
