Hello board, I am a new user to this site-and may i add finished reading Db book, which gave me much optimism. married 27yrs., spouse left 2/05 after i confronted him with known affair. He is not living at home, but i know he mainly stays at jobs ( 2 firestations, ) and probably with her every few weeks, ( she lives several hours away) Not getting any feelings that he will stop seeing her, told me recently "we still talk" and I did not ask anymore about her. just recently he opens up with his guilt, saddness, and uncertainty. I am sure it is also his midlife issues, along with both of us avoiding conflict and not talking last few years. My main questions now are: we each see seperate therapists, but he has not asked to see one together. Last few weeks after reading Db'ers decided to stay "silent" on our relationship, and focus "on me". I don't bring up supbject of getting into counseling together. I feel when he is ready to say he is NOT with her, then we can go together. But if he asks me to see marriage counselor together --without telling me the other relationship is over-- is there any point? I feel he needs to know we must commit to marriage counselor 100%, but also realize that for 4 months now we have not talked. I have told him I am willing to work at whatever it takes to repair what caused the disconnection, but most of the talk I get from his side is " how sad he is" For now the book's chapter on patience, and taking care of myself is my main focus, but want to reflect and keep open mind if he asks to see one together. Again I am new here and getting much positive advice on all the members and authors thoughts, i thank you ahead of time.
Hi Jean, I'm fairly new here to DBing. You're actually further ahead then me since you've already read the book. It sounds like you are doing things right. The one thing I can tell you for sure is that you have to get yourself straight and together for YOU! And at the same time, somewhat for him to. Once you go on living with your life, he will hopefully realize what it is he's missing not being with you. Get a new hair do or something just for you because you can.
I don't have much good stuff to add, but just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. I hope things work out for you and your husband.
