Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

New thread -- let's see if I can link the old one again.

Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

In response to the last two posts on my previous thread:

Thank you, cally and D. I'm very grateful for your continued support.

I do plan on detaching and limiting all contact with H during this time. I will only attempt to reach him where the kids are concerned. I think this is going to be extremely difficult because I have a feeling H will call a lot just to talk. I feel like he's going to bombard me with calls asking what I'm doing and what I've been up to, and I'm afraid if I don't answer the phone everytime he calls (he also asked me to keep my cell on me at all times so he can always reach me), then we're going to head back into "negative pursuit".

I know I deserve to be treated better, and I hope somewhere during this time apart, H will realize that and want to be the one to treat me better. The way he has said he wants to so many times.

I want to start moving on with my life now. I have mixed feelings about this thought. I want to do it because I know I have to do it for ME and for my boys. Then OTOH, I start thinking, "Well....what if I am a whole lot happier after this? And what if H thinks, 'She really IS happier without me...I guess she doesn't need me to be happy...I was right. JV IS better off without me."

I don't know. I guess the thought of not being with my H ever again is scaring me......I'll get through this. I just have to.

My mom called earlier this morning. She asked if H and I were still going to take the boys to the beach. I told her I didn't think so, and I told her H left last night. She was quiet for a moment and said ok. She asked if I was alright. I said yes. Then she said that this could be for the best. She asked if this was a S, and I said, "Well, I know that's what H would like. I know he doesn't want a D just yet." My mom said, "Yeah, I know he doesn't.....I think you should just get it over with. Don't give him what he wants." I didn't say anything because I really didn't agree with her on that -- about just getting it over with. I am very much on the fence myself. 5 months ago, I most likely would've agreed.

Anyhow, my mom told me that she and my stepdad were there anytime if I needed them. I thanked her for that.

Then she called about 10 minutes later to see if the boys and I wanted to go to my sister's house for the 4th. I thought for a moment and said, "Definitely the baby and me, yes. Let me talk to H when he gets here for the boys. I don't know what his plans are for tomorrow, and he might like to have S9 and S5 with him. I'll let you know."

Then the phone rang again and it was H. He wanted to know how I was and I told him I was fine. H said, "I wanted to call and talk to you last night,.....but I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you'd call me.....(he started crying a little).....This is so hard." I said, "Yes it is, but it's what needs to happen."

H calmed down and asked me if I was going to do anything today. I told him, "Well...you said you were going to watch the kids so I could do something." H said he knew. He was just wondering if I had made plans. I haven't yet, but I didn't want to tell him that, so I changed the subject and said, "Didn't you say you wanted to take the boys swimming first?" H said yes, and he would be here at 11am to get them. I told him ok, I'd see him then. Then we said goodbye.

Wellll.....tomorrow I break the news to the rest of my family. I know I have to and it's time. They're OBVIOUSLY going to ask, "Where's H?".....I can't make up anymore excuses for him. I just don't know if I'm going to like what I hear. Especially from my sisters.

H has to tell his family. I'm not. That's his responsibility, and I hope he lets them know soon so they don't find out any other way.

I haven't said a word to the boys yet either. H asked me not to. He said he would like to talk to them when he has them today.

Ok, I'd better get going. Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

H got here just after 11am this morning. He was (and still is) very "down in the dumps". I was washing the dishes when he arrived so S5 opened the door for him (the boys think he was just visiting (mf) this morning). We said hello to each other then H came up and gave me a hug from behind. A VERY TIGHT hug.

He told me again that he wanted to call me all night. He also asked me why I didn't call him, and I told him I did but didn't want to. I didn't know what else to say.

H sat on the counter while I was finishing up with the dishes and asked if I could follow him into town because he wanted to put the Jag up for sale. I asked him why he wanted to do that, and he said because he really didn't need to have it. He would just use our other vehicle (we have 3). I told him ok and to please just give me a few more minutes to wipe up the kitchen.

He continued to sit there and tell me about how hard this is for him. I told him I understand, that I'm going through this with him also. H said he wants to be home so much, but he feels like he shouldn't.

He asked me if I talked to the kids about anything, and I told him I didn't since he told me he wanted to be the one to talk to them about it. I asked H if he was going to talk to them while they were gone. He asked if I thought he should, and I said, "Yes, I think you should. They were already asking me where you were this morning. I just told them you got up early and went to (mf)'s for awhile." H started crying some again.

I told H that I was most likely going to tell my family tomorrow and I wasn't really looking forward to it, but it's time. H said, "Well just don't tell them." I said, "They're going to ask me where you are like they always do. What am I supposed to say? That you're working on the 4th of July?!.....I'm sorry, but I can't make excuses anymore." I also told H that I thought he should tell his family and soon. I wouldn't want his grandparents to run into my parents (who know already) and have them find out like that. It's better if they hear it from H. H didn't say anything, but I know he's probably afraid to tell his grandparents because his grandpa had an A about 40 years ago, and his grandma still refers to the OW as the wh*re. 40 years later and she is still angry about it. Poor grandpa .

Ok, this post is starting to get too long as usual!

The advice I need is about tomorrow and what to do for the 4th. I told H that the baby and I were going to my sister's house. I said, "I didn't know what your plans were for tomorrow. Did you want to have S9 and S5 for the day?" H said, "Well I was actually wanting for all of us to be together tomorrow." I told H that I already told my mom I would go, and he said, "Well.....please? Can we do something instead? I really don't want to be without you guys tomorrow. All of you. Let's go to the beach and just hang out. I really want to do that. I want us to do that. I'll hold the baby all day. I'll change him and feed him and everything else. Please?"

I told H that I thought it would be too hot for the baby to be out there all day -- it's supposed to be in the 90s -- but I told him I would think about it.

He's begged and pleaded with me several times to go with him to the beach tomorrow, and I've asked him to please just let me think about it while they're gone swimming. He finally said ok.

I'm really torn here. I'd like to go to my sister's, but I've also been wanting to go to the beach for awhile now -- with H because we have always had fun together going there. The boys enjoy spending time with their cousins, but they also LOVE the beach. I'd like to be with my relatives, but I'd also like to be with H and the boys.

Advice please???? Thank you.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Please. Is anyone out there???

I just talked to my mother and asked if they would watch the baby tomorrow so the boys and I could go to the beach with H. She said they would, but she also let me have it .

My mother said I should stop settling for the crumbs that H is dropping me. She said, "He wants in, he wants out. Back and forth everytime. He wants to be home because of the boys, but he doesn't want to be home and be married and have all the responsibilities that come with it.....You deserve to be happy, JV. You deserve a whole lot more than just a crumb here and there. He told you he wanted to leave, so he finally did after you told him to go ahead and do it. Then he sparks that little glimmer of hope right in your face again, and he's got you just like that......He wants some kind of freedom to go and do what he wants, but you're expected to be at the house because that's what he wants?!......He doesn't know what it's like to REALLY be without you guys, mi hija. Sure, he's gone for a week or two weeks here and there, but he knows you're home waiting on him. Now he's out of the house, and he STILL wants to have you with him for his own comfort and convenience! YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS, JV! You have to stop acting like you don't!.....I know you want to be with your H. I really do, but you have to give yourself a chance to be happy. You deserve it, and the boys deserve it, too. Stop opening and shutting the door in this R. He's out -- now let him know what that really means. Because he's NEVER going to know it if you keep settling for the crumbs."



Is my mom right???? I feel that she is.

I'm going to go to my sister's tomorrow. I just have to.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[OCKim]

-JV-...

I think you already know the answer to your question....
Your mother sounds like a smart woman.
IMHO... Considering the fact that you and your H have been apart for only ONE day, it would probably be helpful for you to detach from your H's confusion and let him struggle through it on his own until he sees a significant clearing.
Despite all that your H has said and done, you WILL find yourself longing for him, but you have to feel good enough about yourself to make the choice that is best for JV right now.
There is a saying: "Anything worth having is something worth waiting for", and I see that to be true in your relationship with your H.
It is obvious that your H is not convinced that he has done the right thing by leaving the house last night.
I am sure that a "tug of war" is going through his head where he feels that he has hurt the best friend he has ever had. So, yes your H is showing you TODAY that he has doubt about leaving...
However, JV... YOU NEED TO TREAT YOURSELF WITH GREATER RESPECT! What do YOU want to do tomorrow for the Fourth of July? There are so many times that you have shared with him what YOU wanted to do (just the other night you wanted to spend time with him) and he chose to go play poker...
In my opinion, he is continuing to manipulate you and it is now up to you to decide if you are going to allow that to continue to happen...
I trust that you will make the right decision here, JV.

I will end this response with one last quote that I want you to remember: If you love something, set it free,
if it comes back to you, it is yours...
If it does not come back... it never was your in the first place"...
(by the way, the fact that he has come back to you ONE day after choosing to leave does not count here)..
JV... You need to be patient and give this some time before you can truly make the right decision...

I have complete faith in you that you will do what is the best for JV... You are the #1 person on your list of people to help and to love... Take good care of YOURSELF... ((((((JV)))))) -KIM

[ValerieA]

I have made up my mind, and I AM going to my sister's tomorrow. I'll tell H when he brings the boys home.

This has been so difficult, but my mom is right. H wanted out, and now he has to know exactly what that means. He needs to taste what it's really like, and so do I.

I can't always give H what HE wants or I'll never get what I want -- a better H.

I won't turn him down every time he wants to do something, but I have to set a boundary here, and I have to do it now.

I want this M to be a whole lot better, I want to be a whole lot better, and if that's going to happen, then things have to change, and it all starts with me.

Trying to be strong.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

Jv I am glad to hear you are going to your mom's. She is right and I think she is a very smart woman. She has probably seen this all along but was afraid to say something.

Your husband JV is very controlling. I feel this is nothing more then a control tactic with him. Like your mom said to put that glimmer of hope in your eyes and you say come on home honey. It's okay treat me like you have it's okay, I don't mind it. I know you have to be strong. But this is a last resort technique. It may be the thing that works and turns your whole marriage around. But you have to break these controlling tactics he is trying to use. You HAVE to show him what it is truely going to be like without you.

For one.......He asks you to keep the phone by you all night. To carry your cell phone on you at all times. That is controlling or trying to control you. I would politely and nicely tell him you don't feel that is necessary you are no longer together that way. That you are trying to heal right now and you feel a little distance would be better.

JV....his whole down in the dumps thing is yet another way I feel he is trying to control you and the situation. I am soooooo down. I am so depressed...so I need to gamble. I need to drink. I need to be away from home because I am just sooooo confused. Well, what the heck. What about you! That is what I would do and bring up every time he puts his down in the dumps guilt trip on you. Say I understand your down but I am working on me right now. I have been very hurt. I am very down and depressed and have had my ego shot. Don't be afraid to let him know he HAS hurt you and you are trying to heal right now. He wants to put it all on him.
Damn JV if he was soooooo hurt and felt so guilty about hurting you he would stop. He keeps saying he knows you deserve better and he has hurt you and that is why he can't face being home. But yet when he is there he treats you like crap a majority of the time. But yet he again tries to make YOU feel sorry for him. He should be feeling sorry for you and make it up to you.

I know there is a lot of what ifs right now. It is very scary I know. But just try to take it day by day. Don't think ahead right now. But try to be the strongest that you have ever been no matter how hard it is. Show him you do deserve better. You have to try and limit contact with him as much as possible. If he calls let the kid's answer and talk and then hang up. Don't let him make demands of you. Don't let him play the poor me routine. When he does just think back to all the lonely nights you spend.

I know you can do this you just have to stay strong. Go to your sisters no matter what he says. Even if you have to pick up in the morning and just leave before he would even arrive there. Let your family be a shoulder that you need right now. I know your sisters may get angry and say negative things about him. But JV they love you I'm sure and only want to see the best for their sister. Go have fun tomorrow. This will be the best thing for you and would be YOU thinking about YOUR happiness and getting the love and support from your family.

[OCKim]

JV...

I applaud you for making the decision to go to your sister's tomorrow...
One of the best things for you to do right now is to surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.
I do believe that when you have healed a bit from this pain, that you will survive and thrive in life as you will gain confidence and feel much better about yourself.
All you can do is keep becoming a better person, JV regardless of what your H does...

I think that you are beginning to see that the only thing you control is YOU and becoming the "happy JV" again.
But, in order to get to that point, you need to focus on how you can make your life as fulfilling as possible.
In improving your self-esteem and outlook on life, you will learn to not rely on your marriage to be the sole source of your happiness.
Although it may not look like it now, you WILL come out of all of this a better person.

I can see how tightly my identity was tied to my H and having built my life around him, a part of me still feels terrified to be alone. In reality, being alone simply means that I will fend for myself, do the things I want to do, and surround myself with the things I want in my life... It is not necessarily a bad thing!
Actually, it is quite possible that my desire to want my H back was not ALL coming from love, but from a fear of being alone.
During my seperation, I realized that I can not change another person. This was it... This was who my H was...
I had to ask myself: "Do I deserve this?"
""Do I want this?"... "Do I honestly want to be with a man who is not interested in working on our marriage?"
I think if I had to do things over again, I would have listened to those instincts telling me that there was something wrong. I now realize that I WAS married and in love with a person who was incapable of returning the level of love and affection I would like to be happy.
Deep in my heart, I know that someday I will look back at this time as a tremendous learning experience.

JV... NOW is the PERFECT time to pamper yourself!
To FOCUS ON YOU! To focus on YOUR hobbies, exercise, eat healthy, read, sleep when your body feels tired, be kind to yourself, nurture your spiritual side, develop and discover ways to find inner peace without your H right now.
BE SELFISH! Let it ALL be about JV!!!
Remind yourself often what a wonderful person you are! Do as your post reads: "I Must Do For Me!!"
We care about your happiness, JV... -KIM

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Kim and cally. As always, thank you for EVERYTHING .

I was just reading my copy of DR again -- mainly the section regarding the LRT -- and that does seem to be what's going on here.....in a way .

H has been so very clingy today. He's been extremely difficult to "fight off". This morning when he came to pick up S9 and S5, he was hugging me, he gave me a few kisses, he was holding my hand in the truck on the way back from dropping off his car, and he said ILY several times. I know I'm not supposed to say ILY according to the LRT, but I did only twice out of the 7 or 8 times H said it today (possibly more), and I said it the way a dear friend would say it. I don't think it was wrong to do because H was obviously looking for some kind of comfort from me, and he wanted it in an ILY2. As long as H initiates it and I don't go overboard, then I think it's alright.

Well, that time of the month came today , so I was feeling really cruddy. H called about 2pm and asked if I was ready to go do something for myself. I told H I wasn't feeling too good so I was just going to stay home, and I thanked him again for offering to stay with the kids. H said no problem. H said he would hold onto S9 and S5 for a few more hours so I could try to rest. I told H thanks, I really appreciated it.

I called my mom back a couple of hours after I talked to her to let her know that the baby and I would be going to my sister's tomorrow. She was very pleased to hear it. I also asked her if I could still take the baby over to them for tonight so I could try to relax, and she said sure.

I had to call H to find out what time he was bringing the boys back. I told him I was taking the baby to my parents' house for the night, and I didn't want him to show up at the house and wonder where I was at if they just happened to miss me. H said, "I'll bring them back whenever you want. Why's (baby) going to your parents' tonight?" I told him, "Because I'm tired and not feeling too well (cramps -- the Motrin hadn't kicked in yet), and I'm going to my sister's with them tomorrow. This will be easier for me in the morning in case he happens to fuss when I'm trying to take a shower."

Then H said, "I wanted for us to be together tomorrow. You don't want to?" I said, "H, I'm going to my sister's, ok? I think it'll be best for the both of us." H was silent for awhile then said ok.

They got here about 30 minutes later. The boys told me about how much fun they had swimming with Dad, (mf), and (mf)'s nephew and niece, and H greeted me with another kiss.

I'm unsure about how to handle all the hugs and kisses from H now that he's out. Do I accept some and not others? Or do I accept all or none? Hmmm.....I really don't know. I know that one of his LLs is PT. He loves to touch and be touched. That's why there's constant hugs, kisses, and many other things from him. So if we are S now, where do I draw the line without it making H think that I'm shutting him out? I know my H, and if I completely stop all the ILYs and accepting his advances for closeness, he WILL begin to believe that I don't love him.....and I know that I don't want him to feel that way.

So....I was getting ready to take the baby to my parents' house. I thought the boys would be coming with me because I figured H was going to leave, but he didn't....(???)....H started watching TV and sat at the computer to play poker online....(?????)....I'm thinking, "Ummm....ok....(???)....Shouldn't he leave now???" So I said, "I'm going now.....Are you going to be here for a little longer?" H said, "Yeah, if you don't mind. (mf)'s only got one TV, and I'd like to watch something else here for awhile and play some poker online. Is that ok?" I thought for a moment and said alright, and I would be back in about 30 or 40 minutes.

As I'm driving to and from my parents', I was hoping that this wasn't going to become some kind of habit from H. I don't want him to just hang around here when he feels like he's missing home or us or he doesn't want to watch what (mf)'s watching, so then he comes over here and then decides to leave when he's ready to.

When I got back, H was in a good mood and very relaxed. He was winning $$$ and watching some program. I was putting my purse down, and H came into the kitchen to put away his dirty dishes and gave me another hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Shortly after, I was putting some things away in the pantry and H came over to grab a snack and said, "JV, what if this was it? What if these past 2 nights was all I needed to know and understand that I do want to be here?".....I'm thinking here.....I told H, "2 nights, H?! Do you really think it's going to be all that different after only 2 nights?" H said, "I don't know, but I really feel like I want to be home." I told H, "I don't know either, but I really believe we both need this space, H." Then we went back into the living room.

About 30 minutes later, H took me into the bedroom to talk. Just more about how he wants to come home, but he feels like he should stick this out, but he really wants to be home....(sigh)....this is so draining . H also told me he wants to call and talk to me all the time because he feels like he can talk to me now . I told him I was happy to hear that, and yes, he can talk to me whenever he feels he needs to.

Then H said, "I want to be able to talk to you and see you everyday, JV."....Thinking....and maybe I was wrong, but I said to H, "I really think we need this space. I think we need to limit our contact with each other except for where the kids are concerned." I also told H my thoughts of him hanging around when he doesn't have anywhere else to be and then leaving when HE was ready. H said, "I'm sorry. It just feels really good to be here with you guys. I hate sleeping on the floor in the spare room at (mf)'s. It's so uncomfortable, and it's his place. He watches what he wants." I asked H if he was really sleeping on the floor, and he said it was actually 2 twin mattresses pushed together on the floor, but yes, it was uncomfortable. I suggested he take our air mattress from the closet with him, but he said it was alright.

It was getting late, so I gathered some things for S9 and S5 to take with them because they were going with H for the night and will be spending tomorrow with him as well. I gave H some pillows and blankets for the kids and told him to keep them. H looked at me and said thanks. He also took some older pieces of kitchen cookware and utensils -- H said (mf) doesn't have a whole lot of extra stuff.

After we got everything together, I walked them all outside, and gave S9 and S5 kisses goodbye.... wow...the first time sending them off to go to Dad's place ....I got a little teary-eyed, but I was alright. I mean geez, JV, they're only going to be 5 minutes away !

H asked if I was ok, and I said yes. He also asked me if I wanted to go over and just hang out for awhile, and I said no thank you. Then he asked me what I was going to be doing tonight, and I just knew what he was thinking and afraid of. H was thinking that since I wouldn't have the kids, I would probably go out tonight. Hah! No chance. I was too tired and hadn't even thought about doing it. I told H that I was going to be home tonight so for him to just relax. Oh -- and he also tried talking me into spending tomorrow with him again, but I told him I was going to my sister's again.

Then he gave me another hug, started crying some and said, "Please don't go out and replace me in a week!" I said, "H, that is the FURTHEST thing from my mind......and I would like to think it was the same for you." H asked if he could have a nice kiss goodbye, and I gave him one. As I walked back into the house, H said ILY, and I just nodded my head "yes" again.

Not even an hour later, the phone rings. I shouldn't have answered but I did. It was H, and he was asking what I was doing. I was just relaxing and watching some TV. H told me he gave the boys a bath and just put them to bed. He said he was going to wash their swim trunks and towels from earlier then probably watch a movie with (mf) who was also going to spend tomorrow with them. I told H that sounded nice. H said, "Alright, I'm gonna go. I'll call you later...or maybe since the boys are here, I'll just hug them for comfort tonight....ILY, JV. Bye." I said bye then we hung up.

OMG! I've actually fallen asleep a few times while sitting here LOL!!! I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!

Good night all. Thanks for listening and have a happy 4th !

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[dodgermf]

JV,

Be careful staying up that late. At that hour the only people up are Me, KimberlyC, OGLou and our European friends!!! Apparently Kim and I have never heard of going to bed at a decent hour. I've found that I'm sitting here at the computer and hearing "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" in the background way too much lately.

After reading your post from EARLY this morning, let me be the first to say that I think you handled that INCREDIBLY well yesterday.

Forgive me but it's hard for me to hold back my opinion as you know. That being said, after following your story for a while, I will say that I think this separation has been a long time coming. I know deep down it is not what you want (Hell, if we all got what we wanted, this website would be shut down for lack of interest). But, I think that you (and your H) are going to now start to find out what's really at stake.

You may realize that you really need him and are willing to work through all of the crap, or you may realize that a weight has been lifted off your chest and you are going to start feeling better every day.

He may realize that he needs to get help for whatever is going on in his head, and he'll seek it out with the goal of making it right with JV, or he may realize that drinking and playing Poker all night, every night is the life he wants.

EITHER WAY, JV IS GOING TO GET THROUGH IT.

Look, I know you check up on me occasionally, and I appreciate that greatly, so you know that I've been at the absolute bottom. Actually I think I went a few feet below the bottom. I still struggle often, but it's not everyday anymore. Every day that goes by is one more day that we learn something about ourselves (and usually about our WAS's).

In closing JV, no matter what the outcome of this new development, yesterday was the beginning of a new chapter in JV's life. Let's make the best of it!!

For a No Cal , you're pretty cool JV!!

DMF