Me: 37 H: 40 Married: 17 years, 4 kids H moved out of our house at my request in Mar (I didn't realize that he was suffering from clinical depression and he became hateful, financially irresponsible, we almost lost everything in the year before I asked him to move out), he ended up having a one night stand with a co-worker and an EA with her for two months. He moved back home at one point, but moved out again when I insisted that he stop talking to OW. Hes' been back home now 7 weeks and we are in counseling. Things are getting better but I am having a very rough time being patient, waiting for him to make the changes he needs to make for our M. I feel like I'm the only one trying. He is also working with OW still and that is very hard for me. I've been trying to take care of myself, give him some space and focus on the positive progress, but it's hard. He is on anti-depressents and I've seen a MAJOR improvement. He's kind and loving now which is a major improvement from the man who looked me in the eye two months ago and said he didn't love me or want to be with me anymore. I thought I would join this board so that I can journal and track our progress and connect with all ya'll who are in the same sitch. I have learned so much just by reading your experiences already - it's given me hope that if I can change myself in positive ways, I'll come out stronger and hopefully our marriage will too!
I have an especially difficult time Mon-Weds when he works with OW. Is anyone else in the same situation? I try to pretend like she doesn't exist, but when I pick him up from work on Mons for MC and see her, it kills me to think of them there together all day (although he swears he isn't having anything to do with her). I'm thinking of asking him to drive to MC separately because I can't stand to see her. It would also save me an hour of leave. I hate to do that because we have been going out to eat before C and it's nice to have time alone, but I'm thinking the effect of seeing her isn't worth it. Either that, or I could pick him up 10 mins late to avoid seeing her walk across the parking lot. Any suggestions?
Other than that - how much is too much to give? I've been knocking myself out to make this work.. loving on him, initiating ML, leaving notes in his lunchbox, ironing his clothes, planning dates, giving him backrubs when he's down, etc. I love to do that stuff for him, and he always appreciates it, but when he doesn't return it at all, it makes me feel unloved. I've had a rough couple of days and I thought that H might try to snuggle with me last night and hold me because he keeps saying he wants to be here for me and take care of me, but he didn't. After I told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't try to comfort me, he wrote a long letter about how he feels and will do better and left it on the table. He says so many nice things, but I get frustrated that his actions don't match what he says to me. He says he loves, adores and needs me, but he is so selfish with "doing" anything at all for me. Should I back off so much on trying to show him how much I love him and wait for him to make a little effort too? I know he doesn't feel smothered by me.. he just likes to get and not give in return. It's almost like he expects me to take care of him like he's my child.
Thanks for listening and thanks for all the good advice you guys have in your posts!
I have just a minute to post, but I wanted to recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" to you. From what you posted, I really think you'd benefit from it. And if you're husband is receptive, you might ask him to read it with you. Right now, it sounds as if you and your H are having trouble showing love in the way the other needs to receive it. This book is mentioned a lot around these boards and is a great supplement to DB/DR/
It does seem like you have been doing a lot of running around him. Dbing seems to work best when small changes are made, and then impact monitored.
Quote: I try to pretend like she doesn't exist, but when I pick him up from work on Mons for MC and see her, it kills me to think of them there together all day (although he swears he isn't having anything to do with her). I'm thinking of asking him to drive to MC separately because I can't stand to see her. It would also save me an hour of leave. I hate to do that because we have been going out to eat before C and it's nice to have time alone, but I'm thinking the effect of seeing her isn't worth it. Either that, or I could pick him up 10 mins late to avoid seeing her walk across the parking lot. Any suggestions?
Try asking him to go to MC separately. Do this as an act of self love. For yourself. Understand the consequences, and accept them. See what happens.
Thanks for the suggestion.. I'll pick up a copy of the book. It's actually a part of our MC plan, but we haven't discussed it yet. We both did a worksheet to list things we'd appreciate the other doing for us, but he hasn't paid much attention to mine. I've felt like I'm making all the effort and he's just giving it lip service. Fortunately, things were better over the weekend. When I went home Friday he thanked me for pointing out that he's been sitting back waiting for things to get better and then he's going to make more of an effort. I can tell that he really does love me and want to work this out.. that's obvious.. and it's the trust issue that getting in the way now too. He's lied so much in the past, how can I trust the words without the actions to back them up?
I guess it's just a vicious cycle. I'm angry at him because we're even in this place to begin with. I thought we had a great marriage and a happy family and then it just all fell apart over the course of a year. Then, he's trying to deal with his depression and he says that he feels like a different person inside now and he is so happy to be better. He said if I could look into his heart and see the difference, I'd understand where he was (a deep dark hole where he wanted to destroy everything and push everyone away), and where he is now.. he said he's finally able to connect with his feelings. I don't know a lot about depression. Only what I've read and our Dr. has told me. It's hard for me to imagine not feeling anything, or just feeling negative emotions, and not being able to make good decisions because you're confused all the time. He keeps saying that I saved his life by getting him to the Dr. and being here for him. I know he was a very sick man...he rejected me, the kids, all of our friends, basically everyone but OW. It is very hard to connect the rejection and pain I feel to an illness. He said that the minute he started feeling better after taking medication that he ran back to us and stopped lying and cheating, and that's true.. I guess I'm just so afraid of being naive and accepting his depression as an explanation for some of the things he did. He says he doesn't blame the depression, but he also doesn't have another explanation for why he did what he did.
So we have went from him pushing me away, to me pushing him away in a sense, as far as having doubts about our marriage. I'm trying so hard to look forward, but the fear is incredible. I am so afraid that I'm going to put my heart back out there and a few years from now he'll be looking at me saying he doesnt love me again! I have forgiven him in the sense that I don't feel like making them "pay" for hurting me, but honestly, I still feel sad about it. I can't stand to have her in our bed when we ML, but she's there of course.. rolling around my mind like a demon! I forgive him, but that doesn't mean that I can be with someone who would hurt me the way he has. I want to work this out, but I feel traumatized by what I've been through. I can work my butt off on our marriage, but the truth is, if I can't trust him again, it won't ever work between us. I was SO secure in our marriage and in his love for me before this happened. I thought he felt the same way.. to find out that he hadn't felt love for me in at least a year was devastating. I know there are a lot of people on the bb who are going through the exact same thing. I want to get to the place (and stay there!), where I make up my mind and stop letting the emotions overwhelm me.
I'll get that book after work, and hopefully we can do it together. We're going to visit family so we'll have a few days away to relax anyway.
Hmm... an act of self love. I like that!! It's amazing how much better things are when I get to skip picking him up from work. I'm going to ask him to drive separately from now on. We can always go to dinner after MC to have some time alone.
I cut back on doing so much for him this weekend. I was probably going overboard and I resented it. I didn't worry about what he was thinking, or how I could make him happy this weekend. I just relaxed and let him take care of me. If I needed something, I asked for it.. a biggy .. I'm pretty independent. And, instead of devoting all my attention to him and what he wanted to do, I spent more time with the kids and asked him to join us. We had a fun weekend.. everyone was relaxed and happy. Today, I'm focusing on our good weekend and how far we've come in the last month and a half instead of worrying about him being at work with OW. It's hard! but it makes for a better day for me.
