Hi I just have a question and would like input from others. This may be a off the beaten track question. But I am going to throw it out there.
While reading through post on a different forum I came across a thread from Ron. I could relate to the basics of the thread so read all the way through. Last night I showed this thread to my H. (Maybe not a smart thing I don't know).We came across a difference in our view of a part of a response on his thread. And since I did not want to highjack or interfer with someone elses thread here I am.
The statement is as follows
_________________________________________________________ It's not honest or fair to anyone involved to claim friendship rights with someone you've had an affair with.
I read this as if you have had a affair while in a relationship you have no right to stay friends with them or state that the affair was friendship. My H reads this as if you have ever had sex with someone prior to your current relationship you have no rights to remain friends with them
The question is this. If a person had a relationship with someone in the past then ended that relationship. Later gets married or enters another relationship.Yet remains friends with or later befriends that person they had been in a R with is that a affair. I am speaking actual affair. ___________________________________________________________ The dictionary states a affair A romantic and sexual relationship ----------------------------------------------------------
I myself do not feel it is since the sexual relationship was prior to the commitment of the marriage or prior to any relationship being formed with the later couple. I believe that just because two people make a lousy couple that they can still make wonderful friends. And there is nothing wronge with this. I do conceed if anything that it can be percieved as a EA. But again to me emotional support by someone of the oppisite sex does not always foot the bill of a EA either.
My H feels that if a person as ever had a sexual relationship and any form of relationship is still intact including friendship that it is a Affair if you later become involved in a new relationship. IE... It is maybe okay to seek friendship with a male or have male friends even if you are in a R or M as long as there has never been any form of sexual relationship in the past or present.
I hope I have worded this understandably and I thank anyone that takes the time to post there input
Quote: I myself do not feel it is since the sexual relationship was prior to the commitment of the marriage or prior to any relationship being formed with the later couple. I believe that just because two people make a lousy couple that they can still make wonderful friends. And there is nothing wronge with this. I do conceed if anything that it can be percieved as a EA. But again to me emotional support by someone of the oppisite sex does not always foot the bill of a EA either.
I think that it is possible for two people to remain friends after breaking up a relationship, as long as this wasnt an affair to begin with. That is, if two unattached people have a relationship, then break up and want to remain friends then I think that this is great.
At the same time, I feel that there is a difference between emotional support and an emotional affair. My H had a very emotional affair with someone he met at a bus stop!!! This was very detrimental to our M as he just stopped investing at all in our M and I had begun to feel like a single parent at best and non-existent at worse.
Having said all this, I have just re-connected with an old boyfriend and he has provided me with tons of emotional support but we are not having an A, EA or otherwise, and there is no emotional connection as such between us. There is a recognition that we had shared something precious and that this has created a bond between us.
Just posing a question, but first have to agree that you can be friends with someone you were involved with before your current R or M.
My question is this: Once you are married or in an R, and your spouse has had/is having an EA/PA while being in the R, but let's say ends it...as the other spouse do you have a right to tell your cheating spouse that they cannot be friends with that person if the 2 parties involved agreed to be friends after it was done?
I ask this b/c my H is currently with an OW, but I know if it ever ended he would still want to be friends with her b/c she is a good person and doesn't want to hurt her. This would not be okay at all for me. I would not want them to see each other ever again if it could be helped.
Quote: Once you are married or in an R, and your spouse has had/is having an EA/PA while being in the R, but let's say ends it...as the other spouse do you have a right to tell your cheating spouse that they cannot be friends with that person if the 2 parties involved agreed to be friends after it was done
Because I am the LBS and my H is the WAS who has/is having an EA, I feel that it should absolutely be my right to say they cannot be friends. If I didn't it would be like me not being able to tell my H having as a pet, the snake that traumatically bit off a part of my body. The snake in this case would have left emotional scars on me and if H valued me, then he would understand why he cannot have the snake as a pet.
I think that a relationship that developed as a result of an EA is completely different to a normal relationship and should not be treated as the same.
But then as you can probably tell from the tone of this post, I am a tad biased.
Sorry if I offend anyone or come across as too judgemental on this.
" I think that a relationship that developed as a result of an EA is completely different to a normal relationship and should not be treated as the same"
EXACTLY!!! This is not an old girlfriend from before we met. This is someone who he's cheated on me with, lied about, was secretive...and broke my trust for him with. the trust has no potential to ever be regained if they remained friends.
___________________________________________________________ My question is this: Once you are married or in an R, and your spouse has had/is having an EA/PA while being in the R, but let's say ends it...as the other spouse do you have a right to tell your cheating spouse that they cannot be friends with that person if the 2 parties involved agreed to be friends after it was done? ___________________________________________________________
I seem to be quite liberal in my thinking at times and my take since the question would be put out there is. If there was a EA while you are in a R or M depending on the circumstances I feel that continued contact may not be as detramental as making someone feel ordered not to have any further contact. If the EA was really a prelude to a PA it will disapate on its own accord with time sinces the PA is not going to happen now that both spouses are aware. I think sometimes emotional support is taken out of context by all three parties in the situation. I really feel emotional support of others is very healthy and needed for people to have if you deny your spouse this it may just result in a internal festering pus of resentment. Which is no good for anyone involved.
Now if there was a PA after someone is married and the PA has ended and they want to continue contact No I do not agree that is healthy for the M to recover from the A. Nor do I think it is just for the owner of the PA to feel there spouse should have to live with the discomfort that a continued friendship on this level should exist. You will always have in the back of your head if things get rough will it happen again. My opinion of a 3rd parties rights in a PA are this if they knew from the start of the A that the party involved was in a marriage They knew what they were getting into and have no right of consideration of there feelings. If you pick up a rotten apple and still take a bite the after taste is yours to suffer. Again this is if they new the real circumstances up front.( Being told I am seperated or I am getting a divorce in the begining changes my opinion to some degree on this) Now in a EA again since so much is left to perception. The 3rd party in a EA may have really only been offering emotional support. The S in neediness may have precieved it as meaning more therefore putting the 3rd party into a guilt that they never signed up for. Now again if the 3rd party went into a EA with the hope of it becomming a PA and tried to undermined your R ahhh that person falls into the has no right of feelings considered catagory.
Depending on your sitch and where it falls between the lines of my answer would determine if I would feel that a right was entitled as to demanding the person cut of all ties with the OW.
Well those of you that have responded to my question let me go one step further because my H is still not satified. (Guess that answers would our spouses agree question lol)
Gonna have to take a more personal stance then general here. Though this is not a burning issue with me it is with my H and though I feel there are many more important issues within our problems I am trying to better understand his point of view.
Okay I am M. Have been in this R for 15 years. Not happy for atleast 8 very unhappy the last 4. H is very controlling and jealous. I become severly depressed suicidal dysfuntional on and on. I am barely functioning in life. (brief not wanting to bore ya). H seems unaware of any of this he knows there are problems but as a whole he is content with his life. I in desperation to help reconnect with myself old self self I wanted to be again. Reach backwards contact a old boyfriend. He knew me at a time I liked myself was a stronger me and could remind me of who that person was. Add to that I felt totally alone and isolated from everyone and everything and though we had made a lousy couple we always had the ability to talk and understand each other. Not only him but his whole family took a interest in me again and my emotional well being. I could talk and they would listen I could cry and they cared. Not saying that they understood all I was going through but they at least put the effort into trying. His mom really put herself out there and told me personal things about herself she generally did not share with others. They all became my life line. That established on to the rest.
My H was really unaware that I had rekindled this friendship with he ex boyfriend. And because of his jealousy and moral high roads I was not forth coming with the information. In truth at the time I was more consumed with hanging on then with my marriage and these people where interested more with helping me do so then with anything else.
At the same time that this was going on in my life My H was speaking to not one but two different woman that I am now aware of. He himself was seeking support from them about his feelings and our relationship. I really have no problem with this as I have said I feel everyone needs emotional support.
Here is where the real problems lies within this situation. My friendship with the ex was via phone. We had one chance encounter at his mothers house on a visit I had made to Ohio to see my family. We both just happened to visit his moms at the same time. We had already been speaking on the phone he was aware of my sitch. While we were both there we spoke some about my sitch and also about his mom and his feelings about the disease she had recently been dignoised with. He got very emotional at one point in the conversation and I gave him a hug and a peck in a general way(no deep throating) Just a more its gonna be alright thing. My son who was with me over saw this and it upset him. Later I explained the situation why we were had been speaking in private and that the kiss was the same as if I had kissed him before when he was upset. I felt he understood this. And I really never thought about it again. (No racy dreams as to ahhh that kiss)
So as all things come out at some time. My H learned I had been speaking to my ex boyfriend I learned he had been speaking to these woman and so forth. And after questioning my son he learned of THE KISS. And I become the whore the cheater the lier the untrustworthy one ect.I have had a A and he is the wronged one. Did I mention he did not tell me he was speaking to the OW I like him discovered this. Did I mention that the two woman he was speaking to lived in the same town as us and the ex I was speaking to lived 3 states away. He had access to see them every day I had access at most to see ex maybe 4 times a year in a good year. Did I mention that at no point prior to the explosion of my H temper had any of my ex's family or himself ever advised me to abandon my R. And that through my H'S own addmission one of the woman he was speaking to had stated intrest in a physical relationship.
Yes in a perfect or reasonably good marriage I could have came home from Ohio and said oh by the way I bumped into so and so and we talked for awhile ect... But okay we have established my M was not good and my H is extremely jealous.Not a option there.
So all said I have spent a year repenting for a crime I do not feel I commited and am totally cut off from my family. I can no longer visit Ohio because the KISS means I only went to Ohio to see the ex. And that is the only reason I would be going for future visits.(okay the two sisters the mom the grama they are not important to me? )
My every little action has become scrutinized and found wanting all revolves around this Kiss. ie... When in Ohio went to His moms house to visit his sister we watched a movie and talked for hours. Was not at my moms to recieve a important call from him that again is grounds for no trust to him. (Yes when you are not allowed to have friends and you actually do that is grounds for lack of trust).
But in truth I feel if you are overly jealous and controlling you are setting yourself up to be lied to. And make your spouse miserable. Your S will hide things from you for fear of repercussion. People are people and they need to have lifes and freinds and such to help enjoy life and if you stop them they will start to lie and hide things from you. A person can only allow another person to strip so much of there self away before they become miserable within themself.
I conceede that my actions may be percieved as a EA but not just with the ex but his whole family. But his actions with the other two woman would be percieved as the same a EA. My H and myself do not see this in the same light. He feels since I had sex with these person years and years ago before our R coupled with the kiss I have had a affair. I am not trustworthy he is the wronged I need to repent for life. I should never be allowed any form of privacy of self ect... and no I may never be allowed to travel unchaperoned again. I did and he did the exact same thing. Minus the Kiss. had I have known that kiss was going determine my fate as a labled whore should have made it worth the lable well never mind that (joking lol).
Though I do feel sorry for the hurt he feels I inflicted. I dont see us as having done anything different in our actions. Please tell me if I am wronge in this thought in your opinion
After reading my post my H felt that it in the mention of being with a girlfriend watching movies and and talking for hours. I failed to mention a important factor to him. That this occurred at night and lasted into the wee hours of the morning. While he himself was 3 states away in bed along with our children. I guess he feels that if I point out that I was not only wronge by having a enjoyable time but did so until 2am you will justly see just how adhorrent my actions are. So I am complying and allowing you all to see the evil of my ways.
