Re Karen1 His response? Ok. I said, "OK?" He said, I've just been too exhausted to think about it......and then fell asleep. All of this could have been true. Maybe he was leveling with you. I know if BB said that to me I would believe her. I would also be disappointed that sex was not happening but realise some people thought process seem to be very different than mine.
Another thought is in my case if I hint I was thinking about something like ("Gee honey, I've been missing sex with you too) and I dont do it right there and now, I get clobbered late for not doing it then. I learned not to say much because some of what I say is used against me later.
I have had similar experiences while working in the deliquent boys grouphome. Anything you say to explain your position or feelings will be interpreted slightly to someone elses benefit and used against you if the right/wrong conditions are in play.
I am not slamming anyone here. Just saying I have seen this happen many times when someone feels leftout or that you have some power over them.
Re: GGB The upside? well, I keep telling myself that I never have to worry about MrsGGB cheating on me
GGB, don't count on that. I have read several places on the internet where LD women did not like/lost interest in having sex with their Husband, but dreaned of doing it with some other guy because of some precieved notion the other guy cared/understood them more than their H did. Something like this got a little too close home for us one time.
I think it's similar to the "stinking thinking" guys think women with big boobs are hornier or more sexual than really flat chested women.
Just so I don't offend anyone, what you were made with is the perfect size for me.
Quote: Tell him how you feel when he doesn't validate you. He can't read your mind, and he probably is clueless that this is bugging you to this extent. If he knew that a simple statement would help to put your mind at rest, I'm sure he'd be forthcoming.
Karen, correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you covered this topic with your H before? Unless I've got you mixed up with someone else, haven't you made it really clear that this is important to you?
Why do we assume that if the partner knew what would make us happy (even if it's something tiny and easy) that they would do it? I think there's plenty of evidence on this board that they often don't/won't do it.
FWIW...I completely understand what you are saying here. This is something I struggle with, with my LDH too. I can't get him to say anything about sex. If I ask for it I'll often get the "man I'm so tired" before I even finish my sentence.
My H has said....that just because he's stil here I should know he loves me and wants to be here...that's another WTF statement for me. How can I know that just because your physical body is still here...so's mine, and do I look happy? It is absolutely exhausting to get my LDH to talk about sex, in any form....getting him to express an enthusiastic thought about it is pretty much impossible right now. It's something I've told him I need him to do too...It's actually one of the things he could do to keep me around; communicate with me without me having to drag it out of him a syllable at a time.
Re Karen1 I found myself wondering if the LDH's on this board were married to Jessica in all her blond, porno body perfection would they still rarely desire sex? I wondered more specifically if H had Jessica instead of me (or the playmate of his choice) would they be burning up the sheets?
Stop wondering. BB and I went down this path 30 years ago. To her breast were not large enough. She wanted me to dote over her and said if she had bigger breast I would do more for her. It was not about her breast size. It was about working, raising kids, painting the house, cleaning, and paying bills. Live gets in the way of fun many times.
I am not saying your H and situation are goint through what I experienced, but if you really had a "hot" body maybe things would cool off and be about the same as they are noe.
Somehow those "do nothing all day but screw around with someone elses spouse" soap operas were influencing BB thought process. Maybe I am way off here.
Dispite what i posted about not much changing if you had a hot body, I will say I do feel more satisfaction touching and having sex with BB if she has some mussel tone. I can feel a tight a$$ and get hotter from the first second we got together. So if you want a realistic goal that you can reach, some minimal weight lifting and walking might help.
Years ago I noticed small visual changes, but big time touch changes, when we had sex and my hands were on her butt. It did turn me on, not so much visually but tactilely. There is something PT people pick-up on. But aren't most of HDH "but not getting much" people built this way? I think I should include the HDW's too in their own special way too.
I hadn't responded to this post previously because I wanted to think about it. My answer is no, my H would respond no differently to Jessica as he does me. He's been with women I would consider drop-dead gorgeous and has apparantly experienced these same R problems with them....it's something ingrained in him. Yes, he's straight as can be, there is simply something holding him back...being with her would only add to the pressure.
I would tend to agree. I have yet to see anyone one the board, be they HD, LD, or somewhere in between, who could legitimately claim the perceived "sexyness" of their partner was the cause of their level of desire. Some (Mr. Wilson) have used it as an excuse, but when put to the test, it hasn’t held up.
Thanks so much guys. In my saner moments I know that "perceived sexyness" has little to do with it. My H and I have even discussed it before and he points out that I don't seem to love or desire him any less because he has put on weight (about 40lbs) since we married. Then I guess I am supposed to extrapolate to understand that my aging, recent pregnancy etc... doesn't matter to him.
I worry/obsess over my sexual attractiveness because my H is so difficult to read on this point. Also, for myself, I do care how I look and don't feel sexy if I don't look as good as I personally can. I do positive things like maintain a healthy weight, dress nicely, get good haircuts and put on makeup because I really don't want to be in the position where I actively do stuff to discourage what libidinous interest H has in me. The problem is that H's interest doesn't increase or decrease whatsoever in relationship to my appearance. Sadly, other men (strangers, work people) clearly react differently when I get a new outfit, haircut, etc... He was as (or more) interested when I was pregnant and postpartum working on losing the weight. I am trim and toned and still working on it but I am definately not playmate or movie star quality. Thus, the question about fantasy babes (as in, is that what it takes?). Yes, it was during a mental downward spiral and I will get over it.
Read a fiction book recently called "the Bride Stripped Bare" or something like that. It was a series of journal entries - excellent read and a little too realistic about the marital SL which isn't wonderful which leads her to an affair where she explores her sexuality. The whole thing had an air of reality that was pretty depressing because it was so true.
BTW - thanks to whoever pointed out that I have spoken to my H repeatedly about how important our SL is to me, why it is important, that I do need validation when I bring up the subject. Kinda thinking I'm going to need to learn to live without validation like GEL was saying. Like many of the spouses, H dreads anything that smacks of "the talk."
H didn't feel well when he got home yesterday. He went to bed right after dinner. Now, would be a horrible time to bring up anything further because as H puts it he "just needs a week where things go right." Any "complaints" won't play well. I did try and put a positive spin on things by sending H an e-card yesterday with a cartoon character giving a big kiss. I wrote that I was sending him a kiss, that I had missed kissing him in "interesting places" in the last couple of weeks and looked forward to the opportunity soon. How did he feel about it? I don't know. He doesn't usually say anything about cards - he has said in the past that he likes them, then he sometimes seems to not like them. I have surmised that he likes them with as little text as possible. If they have a dissertation about the R he doesnt' like them. If they say "I love you" he does.
Kind of off tapic. I just have one question why can't you have sex during your Period? Is it because you husband won't or because you don't want to? I know my wife Doesn't like to but I really dont see what the big deal is...
Quote: Kind of off tapic. I just have one question why can't you have sex during your Period? Is it because you husband won't or because you don't want to? I know my wife Doesn't like to but I really dont see what the big deal is...
Lee
True. I never had any issues with Ml during a period, and neither did (most of) my GFs.
It did turn me on, not so much visually but tactilely. There is something PT people pick-up on. But aren't most of HDH "but not getting much" people built this way? I think I should include the HDW's too in their own special way too.