Now that I have officially transitioned to the summer, I can focus on some of my current issues. For the most part, things between H and me are going well; we are keeping to a loose schedule of ML every few days, and H has been great about keeping the frequency going and just keeping sex on the agenda. He'll initiate little grabs here and there, and even went as far as whispering something provocative while having dinner with my parents. We made it through a stressful w/e by bonding through sex and some recreational fun. H went through a few weeks of feeling emotional/depressed/needy but seems better now; I myself have been feeling anxious and know I need to do some more differentiation work.
The thing that's setting me off is that H doesn't really seem physically attracted to me, and it's hard for me to accept the loss of this. His desire for me comes from the connection, which is great, but I guess the immature, vain part of me wants him to want me superficially, to be excited by my physical presence. He sometimes has difficulty with arousal, but he does get there, but this sets me in a downward spiral. I know I need to get into a better space and feel better about myself. I have recently gained some weight and just feel down on me, knowing that H prefers me pretty thin.
Intellectually I know that I need to get back into a confident state of mind, that it's not about getting validation from H, but I can't seem to get there.
Sounds like it is time for some "you" time. Go get your hair done, get a massage, a pretty outfit, new makeup, take walks, listen to beautiful music whatever makes you feel great. It just sounds to me like you are having what my best friend and I call a "beauty crisis" - you need to do some self care and rediscover your sensuality for yourself.
I know it is painful to feel that your H isn't attracted to you physically. I'm not sure if that is really the case. More and more I am accepting that the attraction my H feels to me simply looks different than what I expect AND is very different from what I have experienced from other men when I was younger. Funny, those same men who showed such lusty demonstrations of their attraction would have made completely lousy partners in life. If you can let go of your expectations for how you would know if he were attracted then maybe you will leave more room for him to feel it and you to see it.
I know when I get too "appearance" focused that other stuff is going on for me inside, and it's time for some self-care. I know I am angry with my brother for not helping out more with my parents, and I am feeling guilty about my own need to be more selfish. I have to find that place of being healthily assertive in a few of my relationships, including with H, and not just take it out on H. The best way to sort out this emotional stuff is to follow Michele's advice and set a few small goals that are doable in the near future, so I'm working on that and hopefully will build on positivity.
If I were you, I wouldn't be too sure that your H's level of physical arousal reflects his physical attraction to you. As a woman who is "object oriented" (turned on by male physical attributes frequently), I find that the mental thought "He looks hot" is generally followed by the desire to do something sexual, but not necessarily by the female equivalent of a hard-on because the physical pump isn't as easily primed as the mental pump. The opposite is also sometimes true. If I'm about to ovulate, I might be physically horny and therefore my H will look "hot" to me even though in an objective sense maybe he really isn't looking especially "hot".
Also, it's important to remember that the VAST majority of men find a woman who is 20 lbs. overweight but confident about her body more attractive than a woman who is a perfect size 6 but acting like a shrinking violet in bed because she is afraid of exposing her miniscule area of cellulite. I know this is true even though I have suffered years of my H's "too fat too f*ck" comments. My sister has a 48 year old boyfriend who has been in 2 serious long term relationships and had many other girlfriends. He told my sister that she is by far the most sexually open and confident about her body lover he has ever had, though I know that my sister is as obsessed with the minor imperfections of her body as any other woman. You just gotta leave that poor body image cr*p behind you when you find yourself sexually engaged. Remember when you were a kid at the beach or playing in the mud and lose yourself to the sensual experience without self-consciousness. You have a Goddess-given right to pleasure.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Good post JJ. I was getting at much the same idea. I love the different nuances that each of us put on similar ideas - sometimes just the right wording will resonate with not only the original poster but someone else too.
I think you should really take some time to think about that preference and about if it is something you want to pursue or not. It is far too easy to disregard it and say, Oh phooey on him..I'm fine just the way I am...but isn't that the very same attitude we are trying to eliminate in our mates? Listen to him and decide what level of thinness you are comfy with and if you are currently at that weight, then celebrate it, my sister.
I think it is all well and good to talk about sexual confidence because that is an important component but I believe what you are getting at is good old fashioned lust from your partner. I need that too.
It is friggin biology, as far as I'm concerned. You see all these female birds chirping especially pretty or female dolphins flipping around oh-so-sexily all in the hopes of attracting their male counterparts. We human females are no different. Physical attractiveness to our mates is a big component of the sexual dance. When it's gone..or covered up because of shyness or whatever...there is a big gaping hole in the process, one that even differentiation can't bridge, imo.
I both need my H to find me physically attractive and I need him to be able to show it in a way that is meaningful to me. That means, in a nutshell, that I'm sick of guessing whether the glance he just shot my way means he likes the extra effort I put into myself or I have a smashed up cheerio on my shirt. I'd like to see just a bit more definitive-ness in his actions/words so that I know that the desire is there.
I am thrilled that he has chosen me for his life partner and that his world would be empty without me. Now, if I only knew that he found me hot, I believe I'd be quite satisfied with my life!
Journey, lemme ask you this: When your husband does show desire, how does he do it and what do you do in return?
I've been meaning to share an anecdote concerning body image/fat. A couple weeks ago I was working out by a woman who was probably around 70. She was very short and scrawny and wrinkled and really not "hot" by society's standards. However, she seemed like someone with a lot of spirit. She was really "going for it" with her workout and joking around with some other women. One of the fitness coaches came by and this woman told her that she had lost around 150 lbs. over the last several years due to health concerns. She also told the instructor that she wouldn't be coming in to workout the next week because she was going on her honeymoon. She said that her fiance carried around a picture of her when she was fat and showed it to his friends as a joke before he showed a current picture when he told them he was getting married. She was laughing when she said this, indicating that she appreciated the humor of his "joke" and didn't find it at all offensive.
I guess what this anecdote made me consider is how much and in what way do I consider myself to be represented by my body? I think I differ from HP in that I would much prefer that my H found me sexy because I think sexy or act sexy or talk sexy rather than because I look sexy, though I do recognize the reality of physical attraction. This might be because though I do truly appreciate a nice bicep when I see one, I am much more sexually attracted to sexual confidence, humor and intelligence in a man than pure "looks". In fact, if a guy is too good-looking, it might actually be a turnoff because I might assume that he spends more time at the gym or in front of the mirror rather than developing himself otherwise. Therefore, I would lack respect for a man who doesn't think similarly.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have a question re: a man's need for a woman to be physically attractive to have desire for her. Do you think as a man's self worth increases, his need for his mate to be physically attractive decreases?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I think you and I are more alike, in that respect. I do not like pretty boys at all.
I do want my H to find me sexy for all the reasons you listed, but I also want (and I confess, expect) him to find me physically attractive as well. I take extra pains to stay attractive. There is a part of me that expects that he will appreciate this in a way that is more demonstrable than, It is better than if you did not do that.
My H is not a paragon of physical perfection. I don't expect him to be, either. He doesn't expect me to be physically perfect and I'm far from it.
What I would like is for more of his sexual desire to be based on appreciation for what I do to stay attractive for him.
My desire for him is multi faceted. It is not solely due to his physical appearance, nor is it solely due to his wonderful personality. It is the whole package. I would like more of the "whole package" experience in return. I love knowing that he finds me sexy in a vague and "you're my wife, who else would I find sexy?" way but it would do wonders for me if I knew that when I walked across the room in short shorts, it stirred something in him.
Quote: I have a question re: a man's need for a woman to be physically attractive to have desire for her. Do you think as a man's self worth increases, his need for his mate to be physically attractive decreases?
CN... I imagine that the more internally secure a man feels, the more he can tolerate superficial imperfection in his W. Perhaps at our most mature point we can transcend our physical self to have a deeper, more spiritual connection. This is all theoretical, of course, as H and I having our mid-life insecurities right now.
