Shouldn't I be happy how things are going?

[JustLearning]

Ellie, Wow! Thanks so much for posting! I have read many of your posts around this board and have greatly appreciated your wisdom that you share with others. I have learned much from you, indirectly!

Thanks for the encouragement about getting a job. It helps having an outside voice to drown out that annoying inner critic telling me to be afraid.

Gaslighting! The C I was seeing said that to me when I first started finding out about OW. That that's what he was doing. I had never heard the term until then! He hasn't denied the A in a very long time, he just doesn't say anything! Nothing, nada, not a word. Even when confronted. Talk about frustrating!

I do believe that he is using my supposed bad housekeeping skills as an excuse to keep the convo away from his bad choices. So I feel it's his guilt that makes him say these things. But I also believe that the neatness and order is something he needs to make him feel that things are in control. Although he is not a neat nick, by any means. He can't even put the phone book back in the drawer when he's done with it. He constantly leaves things out on counters and tables. But has the nerve to criticise me? GGGRRR!!! I don't know what things were like for him at home growing up, his parents and both siblings are all dead now. So I only have extended family recollections and never really asked about this particular thing.

We have had several discussions (a couple of years ago) where we talked about our conflict avoidance tactics. We would start to get into an argument, shut it down, sweep it under the rug, and the resentment and anger festers. So I told him that we needed to work on telling each other if we had a problem with anything and to discuss it. Now in the last couple of weeks, most of the things he has to say to me are criticisms. And he is throwing those old convos in my face.

I feel like we just go round and round, doing the same dance, no matter what I try. It's like no matter what I try about changing my behavior, he's on this one path and nothing is going to deviate it. Maybe that's why I feel that at times I just need to tell him like it is. No beating around bushes, no walking on eggshells.

His depression seems to be like a second skin that he can't shed. He's had it so long, it's hard to remember him any other way. Then I wonder, was he ever really happy? Or was I just an interruption in his depression? Questions I'm sure I'll never get answered.

I truly don't know if the A is over or not. My guess is that it is, for the most part. This trip he's on is making me anxious, I guess cause I've hardly heard from him. which overinflates the mistrust. If I can put away the feeling of rejection, maybe I can work on flirting a bit (not sure if I even remember how! ) or touching a shoulder as I walk by, a few more smiles, etc.

Ellie, you're probably right about him being torn. I still see him sitting on the fence of staying or going. I'll not say anything R wise for awhile again. (I seem to keep my mouth shut for quite a while, then it builds, something triggers the anger, and I point out the home truths. It may not be productive, by DB standards, but it helps me and gives him a shot a reality on ocassion.)

I have been dealing with my own mild depression, which I am thinking again about trying out some AD. Not sure if they would help. It's just like a feeling of having a low grade fever, you don't feel feverish, just not feeling well, don't feel yourself, not sure what's wrong. That's how I've been feeling for a long time. So staying out of his depression is a difficult thing on many occasions.

So, working on my own PMA is top of the list!

Maybe once I get a job, feel a little more financially independent (since he pays for everything here) then I can throw him out on his keester and find that young stud!

JL

[JustLearning]

Hi DNO, thanks for responding, it's always nice to talk with you!

Just because your marriage was not saved, doesn't mean that you were not a success. I hope that no matter what, you hold your head up high knowing you did all you could to try to save it. Your H is a goober in my opinion, and it doesn't sound like the man you D is the man you married. That man is still with the aliens.

I think mine still is too. I think he's been in MLC for long before I ever met him. I've learned through family members when I was in his country of origin that he had a favorite aunt who believed (and I'm guessing that he grew to believe) that he never did wrong. The comment she would always say was "he's just misunderstood". I'm telling you, when I go to heaven, her and I are going to have a discussion! She has a lot to answer for!

Anyway, I'm not sure if he's ever going to grow up enough to actually admit to his mistakes and try to fix them instead of running from them, which is his past M.O. Not sure what it will take for that to happen. It is what is key for us to be able to discuss the problems and work them out. The first thing is he needs to acknowledge the problems, the true problems.

I stopped seeing my C last fall. I was seeing her for 3 years, but got to where it wasn't helping much. Have been thinking about finding another, one who is more solution-based. We'll see.

I'll have to work on the flirting thing. Not sure I remember how! Time to work on my PMA and GAL. My GAL starts tomorrow, I was asked to go to a Nascar race with a girlfriend of mine! She got tix through work for suite tix that include food and pit passes! We are able to take our older sons, too. It ought to be a lot of fun!

Thanks DNO for the advice, I truly appreciate it! Talk soon!

JL

[JustLearning]

Haven't been here again in a while, but felt that I needed to come and update. Journal some. Vent some.

Overall, things in my sitch haven't really changed. My H is still in a fog, still living here at the moment. He still avoids any talk about us or his A. We did have a heated discussion which did calm at some point about all of this, me showing the pic I found of him and OW, proving that there was "something". He still says nothing. How can someone have such a tight control on his words? Not even a word about my obvious snoop. And even tho' he still didn't say anything, I felt it validated my the feelings that it existed.

I don't want details, but I do want him to come clean, face up to what he's done, get a sincere apology about hurting me. I'm just looking for some honesty. Not really sure he knows what that is. He's been burying and hiding his emotions for so long I'm not sure he'll ever find them.

He's still away alot on business. Because I don't trust him still, I don't always trust that that's what he's doing. He was gone 2 days last week, then left again Sat. morning, won't be back until tomorrow. Both of those trips he's shown me paperwork for the trip, for this trip he showed me the flight itinerary. I saw the cost of the RT ticket, and I KNOW he would never pay that much for this trip! But, i've only heard from him once since he left. That hurts.

He sent me an e-mail last week while he was gone saying we needed to talk about what to do about us, that things are getting worse, just ignoring it. So, of course, when he comes back, I waited for him to start the convo. He never started it. This is his typical behavior. We've done this so many times. Even if I had started it, he wouldn't have opened up. But, I'm still wound up about his comments.

I'm still looking for work, but the market stinks right now, and not having any experience in the field I want doesn't help, even with an Associate degree. I'm looking at taking some more classes to help me feel more comfortable with a couple of computer programs.

My PMA is in the toilet at the moment, still trying to figure out where I fit in this world. I'm feeling disconnected from just about everything. I don't like it. It's like I'm just floating through life, doing what has to be done. Going out on ocassion, but this sitch is always in the back of my head.

I am going to try to find a T again. Start counseling again. I am also going to suggest that we go to MC. We need it desperately. I would like to try to be upbeat and happy, act "as if" when he gets back. It's hard for me to be the touchy-feely person that I am with him because he doesn't return the affection much. An ocassional kiss and/or hug, that's about it.

I know he is still running from himself. He needs therapy, alot of it, but i certainly can't make him go. I'm trying to take care of myself, but that's hard too. Hence, my reason for returning to therapy.

We got into a bit of an argument a few weeks back. I ended up telling him that his life was a train wreck. That's how I see it. I think there is a lot of guilt in him for what he's done but he doesn't know what to do with it. So much depression, and he buries it in his work. And maybe even still in an A. I really don't know if it's ended or not.

You would think that after over 4 years of this, I'd be a pro at it. That's not even close to being true. I'm still wrapped up in his crap. I think I actually did better when he wasn't living here. It would be different if he was willing to actually work on this M. He's not changed himself in any way. Why is it me that feel's like I have to make all the changes?

I have started reading a book called "The Peter Pan Syndrome". I think my H fits into this category, and unfortunately, so is my S9. Has anyone read this book? Any thoughts about it? I'm not finished with it yet, so we'll see what are the things to avoid in raising my S9 to be just like his dad. This sitch has affected him in many ways. Ways that I don't think we've seen yet. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish what is "just being a kid" and the sitch.

That's about it for now. Any suggestions?

JL

[JustLearning]

My H is in flight mode again. It's been brewing for awhile, especially this past week.

Yesterday, he called about going out to dinner with out of town clients, then goes into a R talk. Yes, on the phone. Typical. It lasted an hour and a half. Of course, alot of silences on both sides. How he's not happy, uncomfortable with me touching him, doesn't know what to do, blah, blah, blah. Nothing new. After 4 years, still the same crap.

The other difference this time is he's actually talked about maybe we just need to split everything 50/50, even his paycheck and he'll get an apt. until he can get himself together. Yeah, whatever. Even making the comment that he could start taking our S9 on weekends, which he said would force him to spend time with S and back off from work. After all this time, he's only taken S9 about twice overnight. And when he did that I'd find out he'd spend that time with ow.

Honestly don't know what their R is, if anything. Who knows. He still won't talk anything about it, not even to admit to it.

His reasons now about not wanting to be with me is that we think and express feelings differently. Duh! Like he's going to find a woman who thinks and expresses like him and live happily ever after? Where do these MLC'ers get this stuff??? He says we just keep talking in circles. Maybe it's because I don't know what he wants me to say, or do. Does he want my permission? Forget it. To ease his conscience? No way!

Anyway, of course he didn't come home last night. He was at the house today to get his toiletry bag while I was out with my best friend, who, bless her heart, spent the whole day with me trying to help me think and do things other than stew and cry. He called the house then about 2pm leaving a message about being at the house and maybe coming over tomorrow to see S9 and us talk a little bit.

So, we'll see what happens. We've been here many times before. Even this conversation, me thinking it was the end. Maybe this time it is. I am just so so tired.

The hardest part in all of this is going to be the hardest on S9 and S12. More so for S9, because it's his dad and he's always been a daddy's boy. And he is still of the opinion that dad is the bee's knees. This is going to break his heart all over again. And guess who gets to pick up the pieces again? The only one he can really rely on.

To top all of this off, I found out yesterday that my parents are behind in their mortgage payments and may lose their house. My dad didn't work for 2 months this past summer after having surgery to repair his lung, and mom is having trouble finding work in their new area after moving a year ago.

Oh yeah, our furnace went out last weekend too. But the bright spot is that my Ex (S12's dad) is friends with a HVAC business owner in my town and my Ex owes me child support money. So him and his HVAC buddy made some sort of deal and I got a furnace for free! Ex owes me a lot of money and I know it will take years if at all for him to pay it all back, so I figured why not?

I'm truly not sure how much more I can take. My shoulders are strong and I know I'll get through it, but I wish I had an inkling of when my life will be crisis free and I can start feeling truly happy and content.

This whole sitch just stinks!

Thanks for listening. JL