Hey....Everyone!! Thanks for keeping up my PMA! Am still feeling great this morning. (Thank God!) Was a bit scared that my PMA wouldn't last.
My fellow Sister Goddesses... I highly recommend a cute little tattoo on your butt. Makes a whole lot of difference on how you feel. Mmm...a mommy dressed really demurely, but beneath the clothing..she is one HOT SEXY MAMA. LOL
Journalling... Last night, as usual...H came back real late, about midnight. Dashed out again to get his credit card bills paid (Yesterday was the deadline. I normally do it for him. But no longer...) He got into bed about 1 am. I got up to visit the loo and he inquired about my little tattoo. Then he asked "What are you going to do with me?" I just answered a quick "Nothing". (I don't want to analyze this but I think this man is expecting me to make a decision for him. He really wants me to be angry and to throw him out??? That would solve his problem...) Anyway, this MUSH-brained person then asked if I want to ML. Oh...this time..I was so sleepy, I actually declined. Plus..didn't feel any raging hormones on this night. And he went on to talk abit..inquiring about S5's family day on Sunday. He said that he needs to go out of state again, for his interview on Monday. I just listened. Didn't make any comments.
This morning.. S8 had a conversation with H. (I was not there…I was still in my room. H went up to say bye to the boys. S8 told me about their convo in the car when I was dropping him off at extra classes).. S8: Are you getting a divorce? H: What? What are you talking about? S8: Mommy said so H: No ...Don’t be crazy What do you make of that? Again, won't analyze.
Anyway, he took some $$ for me. Only half of the agreed amount. He said that he will give the rest to me tonight and that "Don't worry. You don't have to hound me for the $$. I will give you". I was kinda terrible and sacarstic (which I shouldn't have, I admit) and said "Now you are living in the house, and it is so difficult. Can you imagine how it would be after you leave?" I know..terrible. I actually told myself that I am not gonna bring up his leaving until he tells me so. Bad Yoyo...Bad Girl!! Ha ha ha. But not gonna dwell on it.
Sent him an email yesterday with regards to time with the boys. He still hasn't replied it. Mmmm...Can one be soooo busy at work that he can't type a simple YES or NO?
Will be going out dinner with my in-laws tonight...H said he will attend too. But he may chicken-out...seeing that he feels kinda awkward with his family now. Well, regardless of whether he is going or not....boys and I are going...and we are gonna enjoy ourselves...SIL leaving for Europe on a 3-week holiday (WOW...how I wish I could go as well...but the exchange rate is terrible...)
Oh...an additional GAL for today...LUNCH with an old friend...
Wow YoYo I am impressed. You have a full schedule good for you. As for the Tattoo, You Go Girl! I bet he was shocked to see it.
I hope dinner went well & that H managed to tag along. It's always nice for them to get a little grief about the sitch from someone other than you. In-laws are perfect for that!
Well...H didn't turn up for the dinner on Tuesday night, citing his tight schedule at the office. (Yeah, right!)
Wednesday,...around lunch time H texted and said that he wants to have lunch. Wants to date me again?!? I was not free and therefore declined. We had a brief "discussion" via text messaging. H: If our sitch becomes rat sh%t, can I still date you in years to come? Me: Why would I want to date someone who doesn't care about my feelings or his children's wellbeing? Besides, if you go off, means you will be with OW, and there would be no future for a US. H: Maybe I will come to my senses and think how stupid I was? Me: By then, we would have lead stable lives and I don't think it would be a good idea to put boys into turmoil.
Anyway, I went to my company dinner...in a sexy Ralph Lauren dress. yeap..was fun. Drank a little bit. Flirted a little bit. I got home after H (He called me from home and wondered when I will be back) .... and he initiated and we did ML. Later, I don't know what happened cause we started talking and he started telling me that he doesn't want to give me so much $$ for kids' maintenance and that I am using the boys to get to him...blah blah blah. He was very adamant to leave us for the OW. Finally, I got kinda fed-up and said "up to you..you give me a proposal and I will look at it".
Next day, Thursday,..I noted down my positives in a list today. When I looked at it, I have to say that everything looks good, other not having a H. I have to say life would be okay without H for me. The only sad thing for me now would be how my kids would be. H picked the boys up from my parents' house (I was out with some co-workers ..bowling) and when I got back, we had some snacks together..and there he goes telling me that "He loves and cares for me"..but he still needs to go. Later that night, he told S8 that "daddy and mommy may live in separate houses, and that daddy will see him over the weekends". I was not there but H told me later (with crocodile tears? in his eyes) that S8 tried really hard to hold back his tears but did eventually cry. H was still very adamant that he wants to leave. I really don't care for this man anymore. Whatever he wants to do, he can go ahead. I don't want to think or waste anytime with this guy...
This morning, Friday... took S8 to my parents' place, S8 looked "funny". I can't describe and my mom is very concerned about S8 now. I have just called H and told him to STOP talking to S8 without first consulting with me. Up until now, my dad is still oblivious to our sitch. I told H that since our sitch has come to this stage, I would have to inform my dad about our sitch since he would be the key male role model for the boys.. H said to delay it cause he hasn't really made up his decision. I said "you already said that you wanted to leave last night. And now, you said you don't know". H replied "I really don't know. But I will speak to your dad when the time comes". So, I am going to leave him to talk to my dad himself. I am so sick of this man...I have no words.
A little PMA and mini-goals I am bringing the boys to an outdoor cinema tonight...to watch "Revenge of the Sith" AGAIN...I think the boys must have watched it like at least 4 times already.
Sat AM - YOGA Sat PM - Lunch with good gal pals Sat PM - Movie (War of the Worlds) and Dinner Sun AM - S5's Family Day at School...
H: If our sitch becomes rat sh%t, can I still date you in years to come? Me: Why would I want to date someone who doesn't care about my feelings or his children's wellbeing? Besides, if you go off, means you will be with OW, and there would be no future for a US. H: Maybe I will come to my senses and think how stupid I was? Me: By then, we would have lead stable lives and I don't think it would be a good idea to put boys into turmoil
Good for you!!!!!
and he initiated and we did ML.
not even gonna go there with ya! lol..........only cos I've been there done that too.
he started telling me that he doesn't want to give me so much $$ for kids' maintenance and that I am using the boys to get to him...blah blah blah
ok like he's not using that excuse to get to you????? I hate when mine starts that mess 'I just wont pay you! whah!' so many games!
hellkat - I agree with you about the games part. Although H may not know that he is playing games in his conscious mind, he is indeed playing games with me. I did tell him that he can do whatever he wants to do while still living in our marital home, but just don't f$#k with my heart. Which he got upset. He doesn't like it if I say I love him and want him to stay blah blah blah, and he doesn't like it if I totally don't want to have any feelings for him. I can't win. I am so fed-up, I am not going to waste my energy on him. He can go one doing whatever he wants... I am just gonna continue on with my life.
As for the ML...As per my previous posts...I am using him too!!! LOL But once he leaves home, then ML with him would have to stop...I will go out and search forth for a new model...ha ha ha LOL
Good for you YoYo. You are doing so well. It's amazing isn't it, they just don't know what they are doing. They think they can just f##k with our heads over and over again and we will just take it. (which we do for a long time) I think you are handling things brilliantly so keep up the good works. As for ML - well most of us have been there done that or still are so no judgement here. (get it where you can LOL) At least until you don't need it anymore.
Quote: Which he got upset. He doesn't like it if I say I love him and want him to stay blah blah blah, and he doesn't like it if I totally don't want to have any feelings for him. I can't win.
Hi Yoyo girl, from what I understand, this is typical WAS behaviour. Your H sounds really, really confused and this may be the only way he can deal with it. Maybe what may help is to take the focus off of your feelings, or off feelings altogether in your discussions, or hold off R talks completely. Instead concentrate on getting through your life. Let him run the course of his confusion for now. It seems like no matter what you said, it would be taken the wrong way and the no-resistance course seems like your best bet right now.
Quote: I am just gonna continue on with my life.
This sounds like a plan. Because this really is the best that you can do. I hear what you're saying, how it hurts, but for now, the best that you can do is help yourself make it through this in the best possible way.
Quote: As for the ML...As per my previous posts...I am using him too
He is your H and this is a way of expressing closeness. I think it is great that your H is continuing a physical relationship with you. As long as you feel that it is a way of bringing you together at any level, i think it is great.
I thought I lost you...couldn't find your new thread ( I'm on a new one too...Trying to stay positive--for me )
Your H is being such an a$$...one minute telling you he's leaving, and then telling you he doesn't know. I like how he got freaked when you said that you'll have to tell your father sooner or later about your sitch...that got him panicking ( my father knows and I think my H hates that he does...men are less forgiving when their daughters have been hurt ).
I'm glad that you are rising above the madness and confusion and your responses to your H have been very good.
My H has shown me some positives, though subtle, but he's not verbally coming out saying the things your H is saying...like that he cares about me, specifically saying ' I don't know what I want '. My H hasn't done that now for 3 weeks b/c there have been no R talks. But what he does still talk about is me leaving with the baby...which is depressing. So this is what he talks about with me verbally, but the positives are not so verbal ( spending a little more time at home, helping with the baby, joking around with me, the only verbal comments that slipped out of his mouth have been 'honey and sweetie' and complimenting me on how I look...the words like honey haven't been said by him in months, but have also tapered off again ). he talks a lot about the baby with me...if I have any regrets that we have him in our life now, how beautiful he is, etc..
So I'm in limbo once again...seeing progress but it's moving slowly, countered by depressing talk about me leaving. But I'm not reacting, staying pleasant...mostly for me. And I'm glad that you seem to be doing the same.
Hey YOYO where are you. You asked me last week if I had gone so far into the dark that no one could find me but I returned so I am waiting for you to also. Or is it that you are having such a good time GAL and flirting (LOL) that you haven't had time. I hope that is the case. Come on girl time for an update but more importantly I just want to know you are O.K.
Hey...Sophie, glj, Kim - The last few days have been rather odd..for my feelings. I know..the name yoyogirl does really fit the bill. I know what I want to do, i.e. to persevere till the end of the year (at least...) but so many ppl have been telling me to dump him, dump him...I've been thinking about the whole sitch alot (to the extent that I've been woken up from deep sleep) and wondering if I am doing the right thing. I've seek reassurances from my mentor (who is a wise 53 year old gentleman) and my mother; and they've both said that I am doing the right thing by sticking this through. I've also evaluated why H and I always come to a un-fun discussion about the whole sitch, and I've realised that it was I who was always bringing up things like maintenance $$ for the boys, time for the boys blah blah blah; and that would always bring the H's defense out. I think I seriously have to BACK-OFF all this talk. I mean if H really wants to end our M officially, he would be off looking for a L, to make any separation legal. I shouldn't be the one asking for legalities, correct? I find that most of our time together is actually quite pleasant (when I don't bring anything up...) So, I really have to zip my lips and throw away the key...Oh...H said that OW is not pressuring him to leave his family. (mmmmm... Anybody has any experience about this? Will OW eventually pressure? Or are they contented to be the OW for a long long time?? Any responses anyone??)
Friday night..took boys to an outdoor cinema to watch "Revenge of the Sith". The boys have obviously seen it, and they were more interested to run around the field. H said that he was gonna come, but didn't. Just as well that I didn't mention it to the boys. My mom and MIL went along. We did have fun... Met a friend there. Had a chat..
Saturday... Went for my YOGA in the morning. H took boys out to the mall and then to their dentist's appointment. S8 has an extra tooth growing out of his palate. Yucky, I know...it needs to be removed surgically. So, H suggested that we bring him to his cousin who has a dental clinic in another state...Well, he figured his cousin could do a better job than the available dentists here. I went out with some girlfriends for lunch... H called me while I was still at lunch and told me that he's going out with a friend to look at cars with a guy friend! He is thinking of changing his car. Later that evening, H came back, didn't look too happy..(Perhaps his guy friend gave him a lecture about the sitch?? No..not gonna assume too much). We went out to have dinner together...Again, had a short discussion about our sitch again...almost turned real ugly..He mentioned the similarities at our last outing at the beach resort, about me refusing to shut-up. (Gosh..I really need to put a sock in it. He says I must always have the last word) But H did calm down. Changed the subject to other friends. Later that night, H came and offered to ML. I declined. Woo-Hoo ......great willpower (Err..actually I was really really sleepy)
Sunday AM - H came an hug me and caressed a little bit (ahem ahem.. ) and inquired why I didn't want to ML last night... Needless to say, we did with the kids screaming downstairs...ha ha ha. We then got ready to attend S5's family carnival at his school. I had to say that I had fun. I don't know about H...but I thought it was rather good. We had to work as a team to win the games. For example, we had to balance a ball between the two us, with S5 stepping on each of our feet while we race from one end to the other. It was kind hilarious. There was one, we had to crawl one behind another through hoops. LOL We were 1st in the first game, 2nd in the second game but unfortunately, last in the third game. All in all, I thought it was real good fun.
Anyway, H then left for work about noon (yes..on a Sunday...whether it is the truth or not....mmmm). He was gonna travel out of state this night too. And he said that he might come home first before he goes to the airport or he might not. Well, at about 5 pm, he called me and mentioned that he was still at the office - TWICE. And that he will be going to the airport directly. H also wanted me to pay his mobile phone bill.... H called me at about 9.40 pm..told me he had arrived at his destination. H has another interview for the overseas job today (Monday).
Have not heard anything from him today. Had a short chat with my mentor again this morning. He had advised that if H does go for the overseas job, I should take the boys to visit for the first two weeks to lay a "CLAIM" on his new pad. It's more of psychological than anything. The key is that alhough he may have left the country for work, the kids still have a claim to their father... and even if the OW may visit etc, our (boys and mine) belongings will serve as a psychological REMINDER that we rightfully can be there! I will do this...I just need to think how to approach this. Definitely will have "use" the boys as an excuse...
I am still staying POSITIVE... although am a little confused still...
Later, I don't know what happened cause we started talking and he started telling me that he doesn't want to give me so much $$ for kids' maintenance and that I am using the boys to get to him...blah blah blah. He was very adamant to leave us for the OW. Finally, I got kinda fed-up and said "up to you..you give me a proposal and I will look at it". 
and even if the OW may visit etc, our (boys and mine) belongings will serve as a psychological REMINDER that we rightfully can be there! I will do this...I just need to think how to approach this. Definitely will have "use" the boys as an excuse...