I used to post under a different name (allmyfault) before but recently decided it was too self-defeating so here's a new name and a new thread.
I am not sure whether I want to link up my previous thread - so we'll see.
Anyway, H and I had several chats over the past week. Basically he emphatically maintains that:
he has stopped the A he really wants to work on our M he will do anything I ask
So far, he has come clean about the A - everything I've asked he has responded to - before he would get angry. He has started talking to me, coming home early, giving me hugs, speaking really nicely etc.
I would love to buy into all of this. But, a huge part of me is really skeptical. Besides he is leaving for his country in a few days time - will he be able to resist the temptation of calling her? He has been unable to give up cigarettes so far!
For my part my goals for now are:
* learn how to validate H * continue to GAL * identify specific DB oriented goals
I also am hoping that the change of name will encourage more people to respond to my posts. Hint: please post
I think it would be beneficial if you linked to your previous thread; as others come along they can read up on your sitch, see what you've done and not done and what the results were, see what your circumstances were and see how things have come along since then.
Congrats on your postive change. I think that you should link to your old thread also...it gives other the chance to see what you did to help your H come around. Stay postive and strong it looks like things are looking good for you!
wow! H's promises are really great. You are right to be skeptical, because ending an A is not that easy, and it is easy to go back. That being said, reward his efforts! It sounds like he is really trying so don't burst that bubble! Keep up the DBing, it sounds like it is working for you.
I agree with the others. Sounds like things could be looking up. Validating H is important right now, just as important as it is for him to understand you skepticism. But try not to show that and try to remain positive. The fact that he has announced his intentions has got to be a huge step. I know my H wont say a word about what he wants, so listen and continue doing for you... Great job Sun
For those who dont want to wade through my ramblings (and I highly recommend skipping the old thread, unless you're having trouble sleeping ), here's a brief re-cap.
Me: 32 H: 34 Married 5yrs; together 7years; have a 4yr daughter.
Found out about H's three month affair early this year.
What I think worked:
GAL Acting as if Consistently and calmly telling H that our M will stop unless he ends the A - and following through (this, I hope has worked, unless he has learned to be completely devious and is scared to end the M or the A). Focusing on myself and working on my issues (and there are maaaany!!!!)
H has gone through a third day of being consistent with his actions. Yesterday he even initiated ML. One thing that bothers me, is that he did not say ILU during this time. Pre-A he used to always say ILU during ... I guess, the key is to not let it bother me, but encourage his small steps.
One of the things he said recently during a conversation, is that he was jealous of my friendships with men. I recently connected with old friends and have made some new ones. But, this is H - he always says the opposite of what he means - some part of me suspects that he wants me to find someone new in my life so he doesnt feel guilty of leaving me for the ow. Could this be possible?
But even if this is possible, I am going to continue trying to see if it is possible to save the M. But I am going to do it with the following attitude: 'Hope for the best, but expect the worst'. I think this will help me detach - this I find very difficult to do.
I wasnt actually assuming but was trying to play the devil's advocate and trying to see that there are many different explanations for Hs supposed jealousy. But I know what you mean.
Well, this has been a difficult weekend in many ways:
This is the last weekend I had to spend with H before he leaves on his trip. He leaves on Wednesday.
It was ow's birthday yesterday.
However, H has really been putting in effort - he has been trying to understand my perspective and that, in turn, makes me feel more positive towards him.
However, I feel that although, H is somewhat committed to this M, H is not 'in love' with me and may still be 'in love' with ow. This means that I need to start doing things to 'deposit in his love bank'. The problem is I am no longer sure what this would look like.
The other problem is that H will be away for 5 weeks in ow's country and with no restriction on his time or anything, these five weeks are going to be really difficult on my nerves. But in a sense, it may be good because it may finally get H to make his choice and if he decides that she is really what he wants, it will enable all of us to get on with our lives.
This is the part about myself that I find somewhat difficult to accept. I always thought that if I was in such a situation, I would never hang around, I would just leave and not wait for a man to choose me. I always thought waiting for a man to choose or reject me would be weakness. It should be up to me to choose or not. Now, however, I am here, and part of me understands that I am choosing to work on my M and that I am choosing to love H, in spite of his mistake and accepting that he was weak for a while and loving him enough to give him space and time to make his mind up.
But, part of me despises myself for being so weak. As i read this, I realise that this is not the case. It would have been easier to let go - it is much more difficult to choose to improve myself and my M.
I guess, as the day that H leaves comes closer, I am feeling all sorts of things which are just hard to define.
It is also my birthday soon and H wont be here. Part of me hoped that he would celebrate my birthday before he left but I suppose he wont even remember it. It will be really difficult for me if he does not even wish me or send me an e-card. Ah well!!
), here's a brief re-cap.