Quote: You described quite a bit of my H as well...at least when it comes to physical affection. It's not that he won't do it or doesn't want to do it.....it's more like he simply forgets to do it.....if I ask, he's more than happy to comply. To his credit though, he's doing much better about remembering
That's great! I think what happens, when a disconnect has occurred, is that our spouse may remember our "need", but by then intimate conversation (h*ll, skip intimate, any *personal* conversation) of any type is so strained that they can't find a "good" time to say it.
I know when we were still struggling, there would be times when I was cognizant of what would be something that would please him, but things were so stilted between us, that I didn't get it out. Another opportunity missed, another failure, another pain added, and another day of disconnect.
Quote: Last friday and today I too had to almost rip my heart out and lay it on the line. It hurt BB both times. I did not want to do that but did not know how else to move foward. Maybe it did some good.
OG, I hope it did some good, too. When you force yourself to push through another one of *those* conversations, I think presentation means a lot (whether or not it is well received initially). When NOP did calm, reserved, yet overlaid with warmth convos, those went the deepest and stayed the longest.
For those spouses who aren't seeming to work on the relationship, it's probably because they've grown accustomed to being totally wrapped up in themselves, their issues, their hurts, resentments and miseries or maybe just their own interests. And from that space, it is very easy to objectify your spouse and ignore or fail to see what *they* may be going through.
Those conversations, painful though they are, are instrumental in getting your spouse to actually look at and consider *you*.
But, oh Lord, how hard it is to put yourself out there, naked and hurting, and open, and willing. On the one hand, I so admire people like Mr. and Mrs. Nop who've gone through this, past this, over this. On the other hand, how much can a person open, give, do, be for another who just is not willing?
I talked with my husband tonight: me asking, are you willing to work with me to save this marriage, and him being willing only to delve into past hurts, pain, wrongs, and not able/willing to commit to either working on it, or giving up.
So, we're still in limbo, me in financial chaos with kids, in more pain than I could have imagined. Still not knowing where he stands.
Won't say he's done, won't say he'll work with me. Just finding more ways to hurt me, make me feel small.
"I'm sure you THINK you're trying as hard as you can." "I'm sure you FEEL like you're giving your best."
My brain and heart are in total mayhem tonight.
Choc, aside from my current crisis, I wanted to say to you that you need to sort out what is low desire, and what is low desire of YOU. And what is low desire of YOU, versus what is low desire of YOU WHERE YOU ARE WITH ME RIGHT NOW.'
Whoa...is that Ms. Choc Eyes? If so, welcome to the board. I bow and salute your courage in coming here. So many of us walk the tightrope between wanting our spouses to read our innermost feelings, and fearing their discovery of this board.
Choc...she's here. She is making an effort. A BIG effort. She's also got some good subjects to dwell on.
I believe it is Mrs.Choc...welcome aboard! And for me...your last sentence makes perfect sense.
Back when I was LD (or considered myself to be that way) it wasn't so much that I was truly LD and disliked sex, I didn't dislike it...yes I was uncomfy and awkward, but didn't dislike it. It was more that the R between my H and I had gone very awry and I truly didn't have sexual feelings towards him, especially when I was constantly being hurt emotionally in the R time and time and time again. The M was off course, the feelings were off course....why would I want to have sex with someone who hurt me? Who seemed ambivalent about our R?
Choc.....your W has just given you a HUGE breadcrumb.
True...but this is what caught me...maybe she is her, maybe she's not.
Quote: "Choc, aside from my current crisis, I wanted to say to you that you need to sort out what is low desire, and what is low desire of YOU. And what is low desire of YOU, versus what is low desire of YOU WHERE YOU ARE WITH ME RIGHT NOW.'"
perhaps, but have you listened to her to see how she feels? She may not come right out and say it, but I'm sure if you guys talk you can at least get some hints that can steer your discussion so that you can gather info too. Communication is a 2 way street. You need to listen too. I am 100% sure she is hurting too, perhaps even more than you. Do you recognize that? Have you listened to her to try to understand her pain? NoCoincidence posted on here with some morsels that might help nudge you in the direction to open a conversation. I don't know if she is MrsChoc or not, but she does seem to feel she is just like MrsChoc. If she is MrsChoc, you've got a golden opportunity to open a dialog with her...she's reaching out to you. If she is not MrsChoc, you've still got a golden opportunity to dialog with someone who feels she is in a very similar place as MrsChoc.
Choc, again, before you make any progress you gots to let go of that anger and resentment. Open your heart, your eyes and your ears and hear what she's got to say, feel her pain and share yours in a loving way.
She is not MrsChoc, but I do value her opinion, as I do ALL of yours, and I will keep talking in hopes that it may inspire some changes in me and my marriage.
I wish it WERE MrsChoc -- sometimes I feel like I just need some sort of forced "head start," and then my natural "can-do" instincts will take over.
I think it would be extremely helpful even if only you read it. You may want to share insights from the book with her. What I think the book does, to use an analogy, is to take the blank, white, featureless landscape of the LDW and show that there are detail there to be identified and understood. It isn't all white... there's a white bunny there, and some pineapple sherbet, and white flowers, white rice, smooth white stones. From a distance and in a hurry, all you can see is white, white, white... but there really is stuff going on... there are ideas, decisions, fears, choices-- stuff you can work with.
Edited to clarify: I wrote
Quote: What I think the book does...is to take the blank, white, featureless landscape of the LDW....
I mean this in NO way as a put-down or an insult to any LD person or any person, animal, political party, or religion. What I meant by this is that it's easy to say (and we say it here all the time), "my spouse is LD," as though that were all there is to say and that LD means the same thing for everyone at every time. This book parses* the idea of LD in a very illuminating and helpful way.
Lillie, who's being VERY careful of how she phrases things.
______________
*parse. Computer Science. To analyze or separate (input, for example) into more easily processed components.
That's great! I think what happens, when a disconnect has occurred, is that our spouse may remember our "need", but by then intimate conversation (h*ll, skip intimate, any *personal* conversation) of any type is so strained that they can't find a "good" time to say it.
