Well, I'm going to chase you down at your espresso machine on Friday (morning or early afternoon, whenever I can borrow a ticket for a little bit). See you then...
I did chase down csw at the espresso machine. He's alive and well and handsome as ever. We all already knew that he's a great guy. It was a real treat to meet in person and hang out and chat for a little while.
If we're real nice, he might come back and give us an update...
Why does it seem that those that work the HARDEST at their sitches, always just disappear, and we find out later than NOTHING HAS CHANGED (or it's even gotten worse)?
Tim, Barney, CSW, CelibateDad, and others ... what's the deal? This is one of the things that leads to my despair and lack of desire to attack the problem in my own marriage: I see others who are WAY more patient than I am, DOING ALL OF THE RIGHT THINGS, and it STILL doesn't work!
I've been on vacation for two week, and -- like a bad soap opera -- NOTHING on here has changed, at least not for the BETTER.
It is hard work, to go on with a relationship you have committed your life to, and not reach the happiness that you want(expect). I have been patient, maybe too patient. My twin sister has left her marriage of 20+ years, and found happiness with another. I am so jealous. Back to celibate, this time because the spark of wanting her, and feeling wanted has been extinguished. When you lose this, luckily, the anxious, scarey, butterfly's in the pit of your stomach with nausea feeling is also gone. That makes decision making about what to do with your relationship easy. Making the decision to part is the hardest part, I hope that doing it will be easier. I think she knows it,and is trying to do a 180. But in my heart, I know that both she and I will never go thru a significant change in our core values, so we will just end up in this same lonely place again and again. In my work, I watch people going thru major illness, injuries and death. It gives me an appreciation on the need to find happiness, give pleasure to others and feel like your life is fulfilled. It can all change in a heartbeat.
Much has happened since my last post, so catching up will be difficult. My new job is quite hectic, so my time to post has diminished greatly. Things are going well on that front, and I like my new position. I appreciate all of the replies to my posts during my absence. I truly wish that many of you folks were closer, and could be my "real" friends.
Our 10th Anniversary passed recently. It was a bittersweet occaision. It was also a bit of a blur, since I was at the music festival, and without sleep. The night before I was to leave, W came home late, and I let her know I was disappointed. She started crying, and cried uncontrollably for over an hour, saying she was so sorry, and didn't deserve me. I held her in my arms, and we sat there for a long time. I told her that I would hold her that night, if she wanted to sleep in our bed. She did, and it was a great feeling. It was the start of big changes.
W told me that she had offered to ride down to the festival with our friend and her two week old baby. I was pleasantly surprised. I was more surprised when she actually went. She stayed with me for our few hours sleep after an all night set up on Wednesday. She then rode back home with our friend. I tried to talk her into coming back on our aniversary. She said she had to work, so she thought she would be able to get back to the fest by Sunday. Right about then, I found a ticket for the whole weekend. I gave it to her, and asked her to come back for our anniversary.
The time at the fest was hectic, with lines to serve at the coffee shop, which is situated in the "cabaret", one of four stages at the fest. With so much music (and caffeine), it is hard to sleep. We served 24/7 for the whole weekend. W called on our anniversary, and asked if I was going to call. I said I thought about her, but that I was hoping to see her make a step toward me. She said she had thought about me all day. She said she was going to come back to the fest that night late with friend and another batch of baked goods. They actually didn't get there until 6 am Sat. Friend picked up W at 12, and they worked on the baked goods for hours, a tradition for them. It was a bit strange to see W at first, since we hadn't really discussed anything about our future. To see her there sent me a message that she was ready to come back to our marriage. I had left her a card on our counter at home that read " Happy anniversary, I miss you W. I still love you. Please come back to our marriage. Love CSW." It seemed like I was getting my wish.
The next day was a busy one for the coffee shop, and it was tough to get away to spend time with W. The times I managed to get away from the shop, W and I saw live music. We held each other while listening to our favorites. It started to feel like old times again. Sunday morning, I woke W up with a bit of a surprise, and we made love for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. It was great! She clearly enjoyed it, and I was ready to go again later that day. It was an incredible feeling to make love with W again. It had been so long, I had almost forgotten how good it is. We made love a few times over the weekend, and in the following few days. It is like riding a bike, it seems so natural and good, despite the several months of neglect. My LD is a thing of the past, and I will make certain that it does not come back. I want her any time she is available. I even woke her up the other night, because I couldn't tame my desire while lying next to her. She said she was tired, but I convinced her that sleep was far less enjoyable than what I was offering. I am so glad that some of the barriers between us have started to fall. Now that we are making love again, we can start rebuilding our emotional ties that had been strained. The passion we have generated so far has made me want her even more.
It seems like we are on the path toward recovery, but I am taking things one step at a time. I am so thankful that I found this site, and the helpful people here. If I hadn't found that help, I may have given up on the best thing that has ever happened to me. W has said how selfish she had been, and that she still loves me. She said that the love runs so deep, she can't understand how she thought it was gone before. She said that she never really stopped loving me, she just lost focus.
HP, iced cappucino hits the spot on a hot day! Don't forget, I'm from across the river, I know hot & humid. The beauty of iced coffee is that you get all of the "medicinal" benefits, without the heat. We also served fruit and coffee smoothies (not mixed, mind you)
I will try to post more often, but the new job is eating up all of my time during the day, and W has been home a lot more often. Clearly, I need to spend that time with her. Time will tell how things play out, but if our passion continues unchecked, I can't imagine anything but good results.
I think a lot of the others have checked out for the day/weekend, but some of us are still hanging around...
What a great post, csw! I'm so happy for you and your W. Best wishes, and many congrats on the very positive turn of events. I wish you much happiness!!
We all already knew that he's a great guy. It was a real treat to meet in person and hang out and chat for a little while.
