The police are coming out at some point today. Andy has just flipped so much so it's as if it was 3 years ago.
I will refer to him as X from now on, not H. No more DB'ing, I'm done. I draw the line at abuse. Sorry for the sad ending, folks.
I got even iller last night so I sent H a text saying don't bring the girls, I am ill.
Expected him to collect DD4 at 10am as he said, but he didn't show. I waited over 2 hours. I thought he was mad at me for being ill and not seeing the girls so I figured he'd gone on holiday and wasn't coming here.
I decided to take DD4 to nursery school so we went. On the way out, X was there with the girls in his car. He got out of the car, absolutely FUMING and started walking towards me, swearing and saying the F word and where the F have you been etc.
I told him he said 10am and I'd waited for nearly 2 hours. He denied it and said he said 11.30am. I apologised and said it must have been a misunderstanding, I wasn't feeling very well, but I'd taken her in there now so would he wait till after the session?
He went crazy and said 'I'm going to go in there and tell all the other parents about your kids that you gave up that you never see!' (psychological abuse, or at least an attempt at it).
I told him not to threaten me and said the teachers know about her sisters anyway.
I turned to walk away as I won't be treated like that. He followed me down the road on foot and stuck his leg out in front of me to nearly trip me up. I walk with a walking aid outdoors as my balance isn't good enough to walk unaided. In the house I hold onto furniture etc. He tried to trip me up.
I tried to move round him but he held his foot on it so I couldn't move.
I sat down on the wall next to him to try and calm him down. I apologised again and said it must be my mistake with the time but he could have her after the session. I said he wasn't having her right now because he was threatening me about my other girls, but he could wait till after nursery and then take her.
He started yelling about how I will make him late. I said it was a simple misunderstanding and that I had been trying to accodomate him and that he expected me to just drop everything immediately for him and he has no respect for me.
He shouted that I haven't done anything to earn respect. I said we are divorced, I do have a life outside you and I don't just sit in all day waiting for you to visit me. I asked him if he treats all his other friends like this. He said yes, if they piss him off. I said he won't have any friends left if he carries on like that. He started shouting about how I never call him to ask how he is and I never call the girls either. I pointed out that he doesn't ask how I am either, and he knows why I don't call the girls, because it's always always like this.
He tried to give me the 'I don't care about you' speech so I got up and started walking down the road again. He got in the car and started following me down the road, swearing at me in front of our kids, who looked terrified. I said to them 'This is why mummy doesn't see you, because he always does this and he's always swearing at me and hitting me etc.'
He denied that he hit me (he did once, 3 years ago, but it never happened again). I tried to walk away, he drove the car in front of me, across the sidewalk, and said 'What are you going to do now?' (threatening tone). I said, in tears, that I would phone someone. He said 'How? You don't have your cell phone.' I told him I would go to a house and scream for help. I managed to get round his car. He drove passed me, then turned the car round, reved up the engine and started driving towards me really fast. I thought he was going to kill me.
He stopped about 1 inch away from me. I shouted at him 'For God's sake man, you've gone CRAZY! What are you trying to do, kill me?'
He said if he wanted to, he could have done that already. I looked at my daughters who were petrified and said I'm sorry, but now you know why I can't be there for you.
I turned around and carried on walking, he followed me, swearing the whole time. I told him to F off. He said he wasn't going anywhere till I have him DD4. He said he would take me to court again. I said you are scaring me, go away. I will call the police.
He went and I went home in tears, rang the police, reported him, rang my lawyer who was out and rang my friend who is coming over now.
I am so sorry for you--I don't even know what to say. Please keep yourself safe and I hope that your L and the police can help you. I will be praying for you and your daughters. Linda
Quote: I will refer to him as X from now on, not H. No more DB'ing, I'm done. I draw the line at abuse. Sorry for the sad ending, folks.
It's only an ending to the relationship you had w/him. The rest of your life is going so well, don't let him take away that happiness.
After talking to the police, is there also child services in your country to report to? For him to carry on w/threats in front of your dd's is also child abuse. They still need you as much as you can be there for them.
Take care of yourself, I'll be praying for you and your girls. T
I do not even have ANY idea what to say. There is irrational behavior and there is this. I realize it is academic and not worth battling over, but you should not have told him you made a mistake, the mistake was and clearly, is his.
You already know now to stop all contact with him and try to get on with as normal a life as possible.
It seems like his reaction was out of the normal. Delays happen, eh could always have called you or something if you were running late to see what the matter was. I suspect that the frustration of this whole process has gotten to him as much as to you. Please be safe. And I hope your daugthers are safe as well.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Holy smokes. I know I do not post much at all, but I am still a regular reader here. This is an incredibly supportive and uplifting forum. Having been married to someone who was in previous abusive relationships (my D is now official, btw) I'll make a few comments. Because I have posted so little though, you can ignore them, find a little hope in them, or tell me to get lost. Anyway...
Quote: I draw the line at abuse.
Good for you.
Quote: I decided to take DD4 to nursery school so we went. On the way out, X was there with the girls in his car. He got out of the car, absolutely FUMING and started walking towards me, swearing and saying the F word and where the F have you been etc.
What in the world...scary start to a conversation.
Quote: He went crazy and said 'I'm going to go in there and tell all the other parents about your kids that you gave up that you never see!' (psychological abuse, or at least an attempt at it).
Exactly...psychological abuse. It's a threat plain and simple. Manipulation/control.
Quote: I turned to walk away as I won't be treated like that. He followed me down the road on foot and stuck his leg out in front of me to nearly trip me up. I walk with a walking aid outdoors as my balance isn't good enough to walk unaided. In the house I hold onto furniture etc. He tried to trip me up.
I tried to move round him but he held his foot on it so I couldn't move.
This floors me. It is evil. It is like the time my XW told me when her previous ex threw juice at her and tried to hit her in the stomach while he was driving. She was pregnant at the time.
Quote: He started yelling about how I will make him late.
Late? Wait, maybe it would be helpful for him to go back to the "FUMING" part and start over...by being civil about things.
Quote: He shouted that I haven't done anything to earn respect.
Wow.
Quote: I asked him if he treats all his other friends like this. He said yes, if they piss him off.
Talk about a dangerous level of anger.
Quote: He said if he wanted to, he could have done that already.
I don't need to say this, but...out of a really scary conversation, this is an incredibly freaky comment. If not for the kids, I would cut all contact off permanently at that point.
Quote: He went and I went home in tears, rang the police, reported him, rang my lawyer who was out and rang my friend who is coming over now.
Wow. I'm glad you reported this. NOBODY deserves to be treated like this and it seems like there was an extremely fine line between his threats and following through on them (not stopping the car, etc.). As hard as it may be to hear this right now, there are other people in this world who never even comprehend pulling such unacceptable, dangerous crap on their spouses, ex-spouses, girlfriends, etc.
Jo, sorry to hear things got so out of hand. I read your post everyday but do not write much because you have attracted some good minds to your thread and anything I might say would be a repeat of what others have posted.
Jo, I know Andy is way out of line here. Right now you can't make him do anything by yourself. I will suggest you not take anything Andy did or does as an attack on something that is wrong with you or if you did X, Andy would be different. Also do not take Andys attacks like he is out to get you in a revenge mode.
Andy is Andy and will do what Andy feels he has to do. He could be temporarly crazy, So protect yourself and your D4 first.
My point is, the timing to pick up D4 may or may not have been all that set him off.
From what you wrote, Andy actions were very scary and you or anyone else did not deserve to be treated that way. If he goes to jail for what he did, he goes to jail and don't bail him out or reduce charges.
Again, sorry to hear you were subject to that kind of treatment and your kids had to see their parents (Andy) in a potential injurious way. Huggs to you Jo. Please visit one of your female friends soon.
Jo, I feel for you, I am sorry that things have turned out this way.
I know this much, Jo you deserve much better than this! You are a great person, an author, a C and an inspiration to all of us.
I really believe DB can work with sane people, but my XW and your XH are insane right now. I think it is time for both of us to separate ourselves from the problem. When it is no longer safe to be around them, it is time to move on.
Two days ago an elderly friend of mine asked me, "Jdd, have you been able to help her get better by what you have been doing? I said "No"
"Jdd, how long have you been trying?" I said "for yrs"
Jo, I may not be popular on the DB site, but I think you are correct, don't let him drag you down and control you anymore. He is not safe to be around! So what if he was going to be late for his holiday, no sane person would act like this because of time mix up. (Plus I am sure that it was him that was just late as he normally is).
Jo this may be the end to this segment of your life, however you will have a bright future if he is not dragging you done all the time. My XW has chosen an exconvict over me, I am not even jealous because I know I deserve better than her. I am an artist, a business owner, no criminal record- not even a speeding ticket, a loving father who puts his family before his desires and I have hundreds of friends. Over 50% of my customers have become my friends.
You have so much more potential than your XH. He has nothing going for him, that is why he acts like this.
In a few months after I get settled, I will be eager to start working on the book with you. One day we will be on Oprah and have a "best seller". I will also start and wage a war on rape and incest. I want to teach families how to prevent this sickness, by raising awareness and showing what happens when children are ignored.
Jo, I feel for you, I am sorry that things have turned out this way.
I know this much, Jo you deserve much better than this! You are a great person, an author, a C and an inspiration to all of us.
I really believe DB can work with sane people, but my XW and your XH are insane right now. I think it is time for both of us to separate ourselves from the problem. When it is no longer safe to be around them, it is time to move on.
Two days ago an elderly friend of mine asked me, "Jdd, have you been able to help her get better by what you have been doing? I said "No"
"Jdd, how long have you been trying?" I said "for yrs"
Jo, I may not be popular on the DB site, but I think you are correct, don't let him drag you down and control you anymore. He is not safe to be around! So what if he was going to be late for his holiday, no sane person would act like this because of time mix up. (Plus I am sure that it was him that was just late as he normally is).
Jo this may be the end to this segment of your life, however you will have a bright future if he is not dragging you done all the time. My XW has chosen an exconvict over me, I am not even jealous because I know I deserve better than her. I am an artist, a business owner, no criminal record- not even a speeding ticket, a loving father who puts his family before his desires and I have hundreds of friends. Over 50% of my customers have become my friends.
You have so much more potential than your XH. He has nothing going for him, that is why he acts like this.
In a few months after I get settled, I will be eager to start working on the book with you. One day we will be on Oprah and have a "best seller". I will also start and wage a war on rape and incest. I want to teach families how to prevent this sickness, by raising awareness and showing what happens when children are ignored.
I know you are all right. I have no intention of ever taking him back. He obviously has serious problems. It makes me feel really creepy, actually.
I am beginning to wonder if his on-off behaviour and then I ILY remark might have been part of a break down?? Maybe he was just losing it?? His extreme anger is totally disproportionate for the situation and to threaten me, kick me and try to run me over with his car just because he's going to be late for a holiday.
I tried to say that he shouldn't treat me like that and he just started on about how he doesn't care about me and we're not together etc.
Well, plenty of people are 'not together' but that doesn't mean that I deserve to be frightened half to death, sworn at, kicked and threatened with a very large car.
The police have told me they are coming this evening before 10.30pm and I am going to press charges.
When he comes back from his holiday on Sunday, I will make damn sure they arrest him.
Typically my lawyer isn't in till Monday. I haven't got a clue what to do about his contact with DD4. I am going to refuse the holiday he was supposed to take her on at the end of the month as he did a similar thing with DD3 and took her from me so I don't want to risk it.
I thought he was getting a handle on his depression/anger, obviously I was wrong.
I'm not going to agree to anymore contact until I speak to my lawyer. The trouble is, I don't have any money and I'm not sure if I can get legal aid.
I know he will try for custody of DD4 as he was threatening to do so. I didn't even do anything. I agreed to him taking her on holiday. All I asked is for him to wait till her nursery session finished.
So he thinks he can swear and scream and trip me up and threaten me just because he's going to be late??
When I collected DD4 I was terrified. I told her teacher and they say they won't let him in the nursery at all. They are disgusted.
My friend came round for the afternoon so I didn't have to be alone.
We found text messages from X and answer machine messages, very abusive. Text message said 'I'm outside the nursery and I'm going to go in there and parade your hidden children to everyone.'
And on my answer machine
'I am furious. All 3 of your kids are here and you're not even in. You're not keeping to an arrangement. They've come to see you and more to the point, Alicia, since you don't count' etc etc. 'If you don't get here now, I am going to expose you to all the people at that school and show them what sort of a mother you are' blah blah blah.
WOW - it's great he did that. Before he used to flip out but the court wouldn't believe me because he never did it on record. Now I've got proof.
He's falling apart because to slip up like that is massive.
He used to do similar stuff in front of the kids before, which is why I stopped contact with them. I figured if it was just him and them, he couldn't do that anymore. I loved them too much to let him do that to me in front of them.
He has never maltreated them, but he doesn't care how he treats me in front of them, which is almost as bad.
I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm really scared.
I can't call CPS as they recommended that X have my other kids (they didn't believe me; he's always so lovely, he never flipped in public and I was always crying so they believed him).
I will just see what the police and my lawyer can do.
My friend thinks he's furious because he can't control me or my life. Our wires get crossed, I go out, he's furious because I'm supposed to be there.
He calls everything off again and then gets mad because I don't hit the floor and die like I used to. Instead I finish my book and get a publisher to accept it. I start DD4 at nursery when he wanted her home educated. I get another man to do my website instead of him so I don't need him and he hates that.
I start college. I keep my PMA up most of the time and I think it bugs him. He can't stand it. I think this has been bubbling away ever since his email just before my birthday. He's pissed that I don't call him, he's pissed I don't call the girls (so he can have indirect contact with me).
Well, he's blown it now.
I am scared they will take DD4. I didn't do anything wrong with my other children, either and they took them.
