Hello my name is lacknlvin and I’m a conflict avoider
So I’ve seen HDogs thread “Wallowing” and read NOPkins insightful (as usual) advice about the impact of conflict avoidance in a relationship. I’ve decided that I fit into that category and until recently didn’t realize the negative impact it has had on my life. In fact I might have booasted it was a good thing a few years ago.
So now that I know this is a problem how to deal with it…Books? Ideas?
Not much to say other than I'm a master at getting what I want without being direct. I hate angry fights but enjoy discussions. It bothers me if someone is upset with me...although I don't know why I care many times.
I'll avoid conflict with someone and take the bad food rather than call over a manager. I'm not a "wimp" in the sense that I'm afraid of someone beating me up etc...I take Krav Maga and fight 3 times a week so I'm confident in that sense.
Also I find it strange that I've had several women friends tell me they were intimidated by me, that is before they knew me.
I see how this has impacted my relationship...makes me appear less confident and indecisive. I'm guessing that's not a set of traits that make women swoon...
What does that mean exactly? Has your need to only discuss an issue and not fight over it angrily gotten you anywhere? My ex husband was a conflict avoider. He loved discussions...prided himself on being able to stay cool and collected during a conflict and "discuss the issues." Only problem, nothing ever got solved.
He wanted to discuss things because he had a fear of anger. So, engaging in discussions and trying to placate my hurt feelings was his overt way of only trying to avoid finding a solution to the problem. If, after the discussion I didn't see it his way and needed more from him he would become covert and walk out of the room or get in his car and drive away.
In my experience conflict avoiders work over time at appearing to be reasonable, non-angry people who are genuinely concerned with a problem. In reality...and in my opinion, what they are, are fearful people who fear the problem itself or feel intimidated by the person they are engage in the problem with or they become so overwhelmed by the problem that it is easier to ingore it, walk away from it and just plain not deal with it.
Living with and trying to maintain a relationship with a conflict avoider causes CONFUSION. You can't understand their inability or unwillingness to deal with problems. The avoider is CONFUSED because they can't understand your point of view and your need to focus on solving the problem.
It's nearly impossible to maintain a relationship with someone who avoids conflict. It's almost as if they are not relationship oriented or to some degree they put their need to avoid conflict before their need to make the relationship work.
I think what is worse than appearing less confident and indicisive is the feeling a woman gets when involved with a conflict avoider that he has no self-respect or respect for the relationship. After a while a woman wants to be shown that a man is comfortable with standing up for himself and getting his needs met, while, at the same time, taking her needs and the needs of the relationship into consideration.
With a conflict avoider that doesn't happen often. Cathy
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Boy does some of this hit home. What I mean by “I hate angry fights but enjoy discussions” is that I don’t see much value in yelling and fighting but I don’t mind spirited debate on a subject. Fights to me just end up with everyone going away hurt and nothing getting accomplished. I like to think of my discussions as solution focused. I’m a problem solver and few things make me feel better than solving a problem. However the SSM problem I’ve worked on for years (decades?) hasn’t exactly been effective so I guess I’ll have to think more about my history of discussions/arguments and examine how productive they really were.
Fear of anger. It’s really never occurred to me that I might be afraid of anger. Yes I do try and placate her hurt felling but I don’t feel it’s to avoid a solution…I want to solve the problem but don’t think it requires a yelling match. At one of our few counseling sessions the C told me that I shouldn’t be worried about making the W cry. That concept really was alien to me and I still have trouble reconciling that with moving forward or being solution oriented. I don’t walk away, I see that as disrespectful.
Do I fear the problem? Am I a fearful person? Intimidated by the W? Become overwhelmed by the problem? I don’t believe I’m fearful, like I said I enjoy solving problems. My relationship issues are not fun to solve anymore and I could be intimidated by how the problem has persisted and the feeling that what I do/need doesn’t matter to her.
Do admit I have been guilty of “put their need to avoid conflict before their need to make the relationship work”. I’ve done this in more areas than just my relationship…and I hate that…
Hmm the last paragraph says a lot in just a few words. I’m guilty of not standing up for myself at times…but I do respect myself and the relationship…but those two things don’t balance each other, do they. So now my mind is racing, how do you deal with this? What steps can I take to start avoiding, conflict avoidance?
Lackn, You remind me a ton of my husband. Cathy gave you some great stuff to chew on.
I will be keeping tabs on your thread to see how this all turns out! Someday I hope that my own husband crosses paths with the likes of Cathy and she points this out to him, also. One thing to remember is that growth is not going to happen during times of "lackn smoothing things out" or "lackn making the hurt go away"...that will forever preserve the status quo. Both you and she facing up to your faults and hurting each other must happen. For how else can you say, I've been sexually disappointed for much of our marriage, and not hurt the other person?
Reality sucks and it will hurt to hear her side and hurt YOU to disclose your true feelings to her, knowing that she will be in pain.
People do not die from hurt feelings. It doesn't even last that long if you face it head on. Then you can both dust yourselves off and get on with things.
I guess one of the most frustrating parts is that I feel I’ve told her all of this. I’ve explained how I feel, I’ve described the impact on me. When that didn’t seem to work I wrote it down and sent it to her and we emailed each other…nothing seems to have changed. She told me things that hurt…and I’m sure the things I told her hurt. But that’s been a long time ago. I guess I do have a problem starting something that I know is leading to pain for us. Maybe it’s the fear of what I have to do to create change that’s hobbling me.
Your point is well taken, I know from my fitness programs that growth only comes from the stress and pain associated with pushing your muscles. Sounds like relationships are the same. But you are right, it will hurt to know she’s in pain.
I think the pain comes from thinking it thru to its logical conclusion: IF things don't change on the XYZ front, THEN I will do ABC.
Telling her about your feelings and requesting attention to your needs is all well and good but it leaves everything hangin in the air. What if she doesn't? What if she has good intentions but can't bring herself to do it? What if she just gets plain old lazy about it? Then what?
It is the avoidance of the "then what" stage that keeps us stuck, imo.
