Hey TripleJ! Thanks for stopping in. And thank you for the kind words.
OpenHeart & KGBKK, WELCOME! I’m glad a fool could offer some encouragement. Oh, and KGBKK…nice closer line.
Update/musing:
W is having some flashbacks to time gone by where she would feel my work comes before my family. This is an area that will require patience on my part, as time goes by I’m hopeful she will realize that it is not the case. For those following along, my work is not your average 9 to 5. A work day can change from 8 hrs to 16 at a moments notice. I believe I’m more mindful of the time I spend at work and ensuring I make up for the extra time there with heavy deposits in her love tank when I’m not. My guess is that her perception is somewhat clouded by past behaviors. We talked at length on the subject a couple of nights ago. She acknowledged the changes she has seen but is still haunted by the memories of being left alone too often. Other than time and effort on my part, I’m at a loss as to how to put her mind at ease on the subject. Suggestions welcome.
The kids are great. Healthy, all of them. S11 just became S12. D9 and S14 Have their Bdays in August. We had a blast of a birthday outing with S12 and 6 of his buddies (S14 & D9 too) at a local water park. W took full advantage of the time off from them and spent the afternoon lazing in the sun. I really don’t know who had a better time, me or the kids. By the end of the afternoon I had taught them all how to get the maximum speed out of the slides. Poor lifeguard. I felt sorry for her. Kids were obtaining air speeds previously unheard of out of the slide chutes. No broken bones and only one skinned knee. Oh, and a bit of a fat lip. Not bad.
On a personal note, I’m seeing an increased need for cave time. The juggling act is getting a little tough to do without it. I feel guilty for the time I spend at work and will sacrifice “me time” to make it up to the family. This, in the end, only serves to drain my tank of energy. More thought required. More discussion with W about finding a happy medium. More patience on my part, as I continue to make up for the past and build a better future. Last Saturday was a good helping of cave time when I was able to spend about 6 hours on the Go-Kart I’m building for the kids and me. I think I’m doing pretty good, it’s only taken 12 years of collecting parts and material. I rebuilt the engine 2 years ago and the frame is actually starting to look like one. I digress.
Last night got a little shaky. I called in the morning to see if helping a friend was going to conflict with any plans. He needed my help to modify his new shed. He had a contractor do the framing and they made the roof eight inches too high. We lifted it, blocked it, cut the walls down, and put it back in place. I didn’t know the full scope until I arrived and it went a little later than I thought it would. We busted a gut to get it done but still got rained on a bit. I got home about 10 and W was on the phone with a GF. She was laying in bed and having what looked like a private convo. I was tired and wanted to go to bed but signaled to ask if she would rather be alone, she motioned a positive. I left her alone and went downstairs to veg in front of the TV for a bit. D9 went to bed when I got home and S14 was playing on the computer. Just before 11, S14 is going to bed and we say good night. I figured W was still on the phone so I left her alone to wait for a signal that she was off. At 11:30 I ventured back to our room to see if W was still on the phone. She was asleep. I was now ticked! When I climbed into bed and as politely and calmly as I could…”How am I supposed to know if you are off the phone if you don’t tell me?” I felt I was deserved a little courtesy. After a quick “Sorry” and “S12 is at X’s for a sleepover.” She rolled over in silence. Past behaviors would have seen me go silent and take the same “silent” posture as her. I rolled over to her and said “And I refuse to go to bed angry over this.” I kissed her, said goodnight and we spooned into dreamland.
Two things I get from this. (Please chime in to correct me as sought fit.) 1: I expressed my discontent over something when it happened rather than get upset and turn it inward. Only to have it come out wrong some other time.(A 180) 2: More proof for W that things are not what they were.
On another note. We’re getting out of Dodge and heading cross country to visit W’s parents. I’m taking next week for holidays and we are going to have a wonderful time. The IL are getting on in years and we want the kids to see them as much as they possibly can. It’ll be nice to see them and I’m looking forward to some QT with my family. The “UrbanBus” leaves Friday.
I’ll try to be more diligent at keeping my thread up to speed. Next week aside. If I’m not back before hand, have a great week all.
Cheers,
HFO
Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young
Glad you identified the changes and cast them in a positive light. That's growth, and I hope she sees this too.
Uh, as someone who feels quite similar to your W about other things taking priority over her, I just want to give you something to mull over on the Urban Bus. (Have fun!)
Some of this is due to baggage I carry, but I carry it for a good reason. It still gets in the way, and it's something I think still warrants some more self work (for me, at least).
I think this is the time to step up the QT and WOA. Call a "heads of household" meeting once a week to go over the schedule? Ask W what things are on her plate, tell her what your week is going to look like, and then map out some cave time for each of you and together time too.
Find a way to let her know that work is important because it provides for the family, but that the family is more important. I know if I heard those thoughts delivered with sincerity and a sense of caring about what I felt and thought... I would be more than understanding and very cooperative.
The more conscious thought that goes into the caring atmosphere, the happier I am about other things that used to really trigger my fears. Like your W, I really want affirmation that I'm important--more important than the troubles that are always present. More important than a job that provides income. I'm pretty sure your W wants the same things from you.
Whaddya think?
Have a great vacation! A family vacation... something you longed to do when you first started posting. Something to really celebrate.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for the update. It was encouraging to read!
I am impressed by your awareness: of what you need to provide for your W. in terms of family time, of an ongoing necessity to keep up with 180's, of your own need for cave time. Sometimes I am struck that we short change ourselves in life not because we are unable to make changes or do things differently but because we are complacent and allow ourselves to be unaware of what changes would be beneficial. I think it takes a lot of energy to remain sensitive and aware so make sure you do make time for "cave time".
How does your W respond to your 180's, HFO? Is she making changes in response? Do you think she'll let you know next time a similar situation occurs (ie: when she gets off the phone)? I find it very refreshing that you are able to say to your W:
Quote: How am I supposed to know if you are off the phone if you don't tell me?
and then:
Quote: And I refuse to go to bed angry over this.
My H. would've been upset and resentful that I pointed out behavior to him that was less than courteous. And suggesting to him that his behavior had made me angry....even if I told him I wasn't going to be angry anymore....would've sent him into a cave big time.
I'm happy for you that a family vacation factors into your future. Are there any pitfalls from previous family vacations that need to be recalled so they can be avoided on this holiday? Wishing you a time of fun and rejuvination!!
~Alanah
"It seems to me that we often, almost sulkily, reject the good that God offers us because, at the moment, we expected some other good."
C.S. Lewis
Quote: 1: I expressed my discontent over something when it happened rather than get upset and turn it inward. Only to have it come out wrong some other time.(A 180)
yeah, I find myself more competent now in this area, I say what made me unhappy, and move on, instead of bottling it in and letting the resentment get out of hand. Did you ever find out who she was talking to?
How is everyone? I popped in to say hi and advise that I have not befallen some finger crippling disease that prevented my fingers from typing. Rather, my darling W and I have been busy GAL and working on us.
I'll have to be brief as I'm at work and the bell is tolling. My absence has been due to my being open and honest with A about what I was doing for the time we were apart. Unfortunately it didn't go over so well. An excerpt of my musings and work here was taken out of context and only prompted doubt in A's mind about my loyalties toward her. I assured her I had nothing to hide and asked that to be fair, she had to read everything or nothing at all. I think this has helped but thought I should abstain my postings until I was sure of her comfort level. Hence my breaking silence to stop in. She was lurking on my thread.
With the exception of some of "few and far between" annoyances, we have been doing very well at reestablishing our M and our lives. I find myself in somewhat unfamiliar waters as I have not felt this close or involved with my family for a very long time. I'M LOVIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care all. I hope to be a little more active but regret that my family may take precedence over my BB activities.
Cheers,
HFO
Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young
Thanks for the quick update! I am so happy to hear that things are going well. You really worked hard for this and you should feel proud for saving your marriage and keeping your family together.
I've sent a newcomer (AGolfDude) (he's posting in We're separated) over to read your threads starting in Newcomers. His situation reminded me of yours, so if you have some time can you give a look see?
Do check in from time to time and let us know how well you're doing! It's always great to read a Happy Ending!
I am so glad to hear things are going well between you and your wife. You worked hard to enjoy this and have learned a lot in the last few months.
All the best to you. I would love it if my H was just half as committed to our marriage as you are.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Well, things could be better but they could be a hell of a lot worse too. I’m choosing to look at the positive and consider things that much closer to utopia. “A” is fully involved with menopause. Her nights and days are filled with hot flashes and discomfort. One day at time I guess. We are able to joke about it a bit, so that helps lighten the tension some. I’ve had but one goal on my mind since we got back together that I will not let myself forget: Communicate!!!!!!!! It’s working very well. It doesn’t matter if it’s a little thing or a big thing; communicate it. A page from the book of “MEN”: We are taught at an early age that our feelings are taboo and should be kept to ourselves. “RUBISH” It amazes me how much better things are when I tell her how I’m feeling, whether it’s Good or Bad. Too bad it took me 16 years to figure it out. Oh well, better late than never.
I think one of the hardest things for me to grasp through all of this was the concept of PATIENCE. A sage of a person on this BB was instrumental in helping me with that. If I could pass anything along it would be that. That and communication. Knowing what to say, how to say it, and when is key. I practice in my head what I need to say and remain patient for the proper time to say it. I think we tend to take for granted when we are with someone for any length of time, that we can say whatever we want whenever. Not so. Tune in to your partner! You would be amazed at how much they tune into you in return.
Sorry I haven’t been around much. Work, three children (Fabulous and healthy by the way) and a blossoming relationship keep a guy pretty busy. Not to mention the last couple of months I’ve been trying to finish a Go-Kart for the kids. I rebuilt a donated engine two years ago and just brought it to life on Tuesday. I call it the “DART”. With the exception of a few components the entire Kart is made of Stainless Steel. Like a Delorian. Hence “D”-elorian k-“ART”. As far as the kids know it isn’t supposed to be ready for driving until spring. The weather has been very warm and we are expecting a brown Xmas. So this will be perfect on Xmas morn when they look in the garage and find a big red bow tied to it.
That’s about it for now except: Merry Christmas one and all!!
To my special friends here (you know who you are): {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and a peck on the cheek you dears!!!
Cheers all
HFO
Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young
Betsey 
