I've been on and off the BB for more than a year now - mostly in the Infidelity forum, and God has blessed me more than I can possibly share.
Now I think God is testing the gifts he's given me. My last day at work is June 24.
Needless to say, this has resulted in some additional stress at home. Overall things could definitely be worse, but I'm terrified they WILL get worse.
I have deliberately not brought up with W that I intend to move back to the family farm, and take over for my Uncle who just retired June 10. A few months ago I successfully discussed moving back to the farm as part of our 5 year family plan. W agreed that once she had discovered herself and found a career, she would like to move back to the farm.
But I recognize that our R is not strong enough yet for me to bring up my desire to move back now without initiating a fight response from W. I even shared with my sister when I called home to tell my parents that I had lost my job that I could not tell W I wanted to move back to farm, because she would deliberately resist moving back, just because I brought it up.
I have an appointment with an outplacement firm this afternoon and individual C with our MC this evening. We have joint MC this Wed. I’m counting on joint MC to discuss moving to farm.
I see four potential outcomes 1) W accepts moving to farm and we live happily ever after 2) I move back to farm and W leaves (Who gets the kids?) 3) I get another job, not on the farm, and W still leaves me. 4) I get another job, not on the farm, and in a few years we move back to the farm.
The difficulty I’m having is W’s 180 degree attitude changes toward moving back to the farm. One day she’ll be talking about how as a child, her favorite show was “Little House on the Prairie”, and she’d dream of enjoying a simple, rustic life like Laura Ingalls. The next day she’ll blatantly state there is no way she is ever moving to the farm.
She’s always enjoyed herself during our visits, but makes such a fuss before we go, and for awhile, refused to come with us when we went to visit.
We are at a point were I have to do something. Is the right thing to do what I feel to be right and move to the farm, in effect forcing W to accept a wholesome lifestyle and take the chance she’ll leave? Or do I continue to put my W first, at the expense of my own desires?
I have decided to return to the family farm. W is mostly upset, but has brief moments of clarity where she says this will be a good thing for us. During these brief moments she accepts that this will be a major lifestyle change, but that we can work together to make things better in the long run. Mostly she is angry and blaming, saying I am ruining her life, I have ruined her life, she is going to divorce me and take the kids and make it on her own, etc. etc. etc.
It has been an extreme test of patience and not listening to anything I hear to keep from responding to her barbs and hateful comments. She has gone off on my mother (over the phone) at least twice. She went off on my mom this morning while the kids and I were at the library, then she called my mom back and had a good conversation.
I walked in the door with flowers while W was wrapping up second phone conv with my mom. W was positive, happy, up-beat, commented that "I had flowers and that was a good thing." Less than two hours later, W is cursing me with "F*&%" you, and "F*&%" your flowers, I'm going to make your life a living hell like you've made mine. She doesn't care whether the kids hear her or not.
The kids have gotten used to escaping to the neighbors house, going outside or locking themselves in their room when W starts going off. I think that is a deciding factor in me moving back to my family roots - if W is going to go off instead of discuss things with me, I need to be someplace with a support structure and safety for my kids.
How exciting for you to have this opportunity! Oh, how I wish I had answers or advice for you. As I read what you write about your wife, it sounds to me as if she is two completely different people with two completely different personalities and the behavior you describe really concerns me.
Has she always been this way the entire time you have known her? If so, what was her upbringing like? It also seems to me that perhaps she has some anger management problems. My senses (spirit?) tells me that something else is influencing her behavior and that you are going to have to dig deep to find out what.
I'll be quite honest with you plk, she sounds like one terribly unhappy woman and until the source of her unhappiness is discovered and addressed (I believe it is something deep within her psyche), I can't imagine your situation changing for the better regardless of the environment you live in, or how successfully you apply DB techniques to your marriage.
May the Lord bless you and keep you through this time of transition, my friend.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
You are right on the money LG, W has serious issues with anger management, and deep resentment toward my "traditional" family. She accuses me of "running back to mommy and daddy" and that I'll never understand what it's like to not have a mom or dad that love you. She is in counselling and making good progress, unfortunately that process includes bringing out very emotional issues that W has kept buried deep for many years.
W's parents divorced when she was 5. W's dad disowned her when she was 16. Not legally, just by literally not talking to her. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse as a child from mother.
God has blessed me with tremendous grace and patience, and I will continue to love and support W, but I can no longer do that at the expense of my career and family goals. I don't feel like I'm chosing the family farm over my wife (which she claims). I just feel like together we can both get what we want, except for one thing - W wants to live in a warm climate - no more winters.
W decided she is not going to move. We've taken the house off the market and I've agreed to stay in an extra bedroom in my parents house so I can work on the farm. W and 3 kids will stay here. The idea is we both think about how much we need each other.
This was actually W's idea, and was offered as a compromise so she could justify cancelling her appointment with a divorce lawyer. When I expressed concern about W setting me up for abandonment charges, W offered to keep the appointment, but have the lawyer draw up an agreement for W to sign that I was not abandoning her and the kids. I told W we didn't need to pay a lawyer to draft an agreement so W cancelled the appointment.
I believe W sincerely does not want to get divorced, she just has a lot more "emotional baggage" to process before she can accept this lifestyle change.
I am not happy about this at all, but I pray that this will give W time to think about what she really wants, and claims to not want.
She claims she does not want to live on a farm. I explain to her that we don't have to live on the farm, just close enough for me to work there.
She claims I will not make enough money. I agree, and explain that is why I need her with me so we can pool our income and afford the standard of living we both want.
She claims to want to make it on her own, but then claims there is no type of employment that interests her.
She claims we will be too close to her family, which she wants nothing to do with. I support her decision to keep her family out of her life no matter where we live.
I've asked W a few times, "If I live with my parents and you stay here, what is next?" She doesn't have an answer. However, our R has been much better the last week, sitting together watching TV, going for walks, impromptu hugs, even kisses, and no fights.
Last night W said she would prove to me she was a good wife while I was gone. I expected W's feelings of guilt about her behavior while I was in Iraq may be a strong deterent to us moving closer to my parents.
Hopefully this time apart will help W heal. I also pray I won't be resentful, which I am already starting to feel.
I've been working on the farm for three weeks now. S13 spent the first two weeks with me, and we had a great time. S13 took care of the calves - with a little help from me. We both enjoyed the time together, although I think toward the end of the second week, S13 was deliberately slacking off so I would come help him.
My first weekend back with the family was for a visit to our state fair, where I work at the wrestling tournament. Very pleasant and relaxing weekend.
The following week was full of arguments. Every phone conversation with W turned into an argument. Finally, today, W and I had a good conversation. We didn't talk about anything important, although W did say she would bring the kids and stay with me Thursday and Friday and asked if we could do a family activity Saturday.
I had asked earlier this week if the kids could spend their last week before school started with me. W immediately got suspicious and wanted to know why I didn't want her to stay too. No amount of explaining would convince W that I would love have both her and the kids here. This was a source of most of our arguing. I kept my comments fairly gentle, but W is taking serious offense to innocent questions or comments.
The more I think about it, the more I think W's anger is less about what she is arguing about, and more about me chosing to be a dairy farmer. W is also angry that I told her I could not talk to her about my career choice, because she doesn't talk to me, she just gets angry if she doesn't like my point of view.
Somehow I've got to keep phone calls with W over the next several days peaceful, so that I have a chance of W not hating her couple of nights this weekend on the farm.
Maybe my best bet is to not give W anything more to be angry with me about, and to trust that God will change her heart to enjoy being a farmer's wife - or to at least enjoy being married to a farmer.
It's been more than a month now, and I've had more than a couple break downs, and been ready to thrown in the D towel.
When the main reason I'm living and working on a farm is for my family to enjoy the wholesome lifestyle, and to not have my family with me, makes me wonder what I'm doing.
W and kids had a great visit here at the farm, W left saying she could live here! I was totally encouraged.
But that weekend, I drove down to spend with W and kids, and Saturday night things got so bad I actually packed and was getting ready to get in my car and leave a night early when the kids came out and convinced me to stay. W did say she was glad I didn't leave, but we had a subdued evening. We enjoyed church Sunday as a family and spent the rest of the day at an outdoor pool.
It was earlier this week that I actually suggested we D. I wish I could say it was part of an LRT - but it wasn't. Fortunate, W hung up on me and later left me a nice message.
W and I had a good talk tonight. I still haven't found a good way to discuss things that we disagree about - seems like I bring it up, W gets mad, I get madder, we fight and/or take a time-out, then the situation figures its self out or one of us realizes we don't need to worry about it and we never discuss the problem again. Not a good way to problem solve, but if that's how God is going to keep us together, I'll take it for right now.
I'm going down tomorrow night to spend weekend with W and Kids. I need to set some personal goals for the weekend. Maybe I'll have time tomorrow in my 2 1/2 hour drive to see them.
Visiting family this weekend. Arrived last night - W was vacuuming in her good robe and ... (little Jeff Foxworthy humor)
Today S13 and I enjoyed the OSU v Miami Ohio football game. W, S10 and D9 dropped us off at campus and went site seeing around Columbus. W had a difficult time with S10 and called about the 3rd quarter of the game.
I did something hugely different and we left the game (with S13's okay) at the start of the 4th quarter to spend rest of the day with rest of family.
W had a melt down in the car after she picked us up, but I didn't react or offer advice. We drove to a small cafe and had a horrible lunch. Kids enjoyed their meals but W was not happy with hers. I tried her food - it was poor.
We were on the way home when I decided to turn around and visit German Village. This was another something different - once I'm on the freeway, I hate to turn around and back track.
We walked around a while and spent a long time in the fudge haus, talking with the owner, watching him make a batch of fudge, and of course - sampling almost all his different fudge.
Ended up having just a wonderful evening and fun drive home. Getting up early for church tomorrow. W is excited about attending a "mega-church" in Cincinnati.
(little Jeff Foxworthy humor)