I am amazed to find this place. I've done google searches for years on "husband won't have sex," and this is the first time I've come across a message board with all kinds of intelligent, friendly, caring people -- who have so many of the same, devastating problems that I do.
My story, shortest version possible:
Even though we call each other "husband" & "wife," we are, in fact, only common law married -- if that tells you anything about the level of committment. We've been together since 2000, and have one child, who is three.
We have been through some miserable times. H and I started out, OK -- I was a "gorgeous" wandering malcontent with waist-length blonde hair, and a typically "good" body, and he was an aimless alcoholic. We had a very intense love affair -- four months of ML 15+ times a week...
Until I became pregnant.
Prior to meeting him, I'd just broken up with a good, but boring man, with whom I had lived for seven years. I had also lost over half my body weight, and had decided that I didn't want to risk having a child, and putting the weight back on.
After we found out, however -- I couldn't have an abortion, and the result is a very smart and beautiful son, over whom I have no regrets. However, with H, from the get-go, it was terrible. As soon as I had to stop drinking, and being "party girl," and expected him to sober up -- things went badly. He had promised, and I KNEW he was an alcoholic -- but he cried and promised that if I had the baby, he would be a good man, and work on his drinking.
But, sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you don't have enough life experience to recognize a potentially BAD situation. So we stayed together, and had the baby.
The early days, as I said, were horrible -- him lying, forgetting to pick me up, driving drunk, spending all of our money on booze, leaving me pregnant, alone, every night, while he drank and played pool. He even pushed me down, once, when I hid a couple beers from him.
To shorten this -- it eventually got better. Instead of drinking, every night -- he started to only drink 1-2 nights a week, held a steady job, started to be less introverted, selfish and in alcohol-poison mode. Relationship got better, but still with rough spots.
Now, the sex part: in my sixth month of pregnancy, (we were still having sex daily, to that point), he began to lose interest in me. It never started back up, again. I gained a lot of weight, with my pregnancy, as the result of depression, and a very depressed metabolic system from starvation dieting, the prior two years. I still haven't lost the weight, but I don't know that that's the primary problem. We're both kind of hippie-ish, artists, etc., though I still believe that, despite his best attemtps, he still has that constructed-male bullcrap about a woman having to be thin and "attractive." Same story, as the others -- he'll watch soft porn on the rot box and MB 2-3 times a week, but makes an advance on ME, once about every 3-4 months. When I initiate -- it's anyone's guess what the outcome will be: I'd say that, if I don't wait for some kind of subtle clue that he's in the mood, the rejection rate is about 95 percent. If he gives a little clue, it's about a 50 percent success rate -- partially because even though he wants to, he doesn't really want to put that much effort into it, and partially because I'll just get frustrated with him being such a wimp about it.
The worst part, however, is that there is NO affection. Certain times that I tell him about it, he'll work on it, for a while, but eventually fail. Other times, he doesn't give a crap, or respond.
I feel like once you get to the point where you have to talk about all this crap, that there's really no going back. That everything, past this point, is orchestrated, fake, forced, or whatever. When we do have sex, though, he's totally into it, will touch me, everywhere, have oral, lots of foreplay -- so that's good.
Other factors might be that he claims I don't shower enough -- which isn't everyday, but probably twice a week, and 2-3 baths a week, too, AND that he still has those two days a week that he drinks, and needs two days of recovery -- when he's too busy drinking to ML, or too sick to think about it. I also am sort of controlling, and have a hard time trusting him with watching our son, because of his drinking and general incompetancy -- and I've said some pretty mean things to him, as a retalliation for how he treated me during my pregnancy.
Anyway, despite the past strife, 90 percent of the time, our relationship is comfortingly boring. Usually, the ten percent it's not is when he has a bad week of drinking more, and it makes me angry, or suddenly, I forget that I'm in a loveless, affectionatless, sexless relationship, and cause a row about it.
And it makes me think -- why do I start to care? No love is perfect, right? And companionate love eventually takes over, anyway, right? If I just stop caring, or have a side affair, that might fix it, right?
But none of that really does seem RIGHT -- I have never really been in love, despite numerous boyfriends and sex partners. I truly yearn, as many of us do, for the whole package. Though, I'm not optimistic, I'm wondering if people on here feel like worrying about this is just a waste of life, when we could be meeting new people, and establishing, mature, adult connections, with people who have emotional maturity and no intimacy issues.
Just confused, I guess. Anyway, I'm 30, from the Midwest, and it's nice to read the posts of people, here.
Does anyone else have similar stories that involve a LD partner, because of a history of alcoholism?
Hello and Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join .
I can relate to much of your experience and I would like to respond at length but I am going to be crazy busy today. So I will limit myself to addressing the "weight issue" in this post. My take on the "weight issue" after dealing with my H using it as an excuse for his LD for many years and dealing with many psychological ramifications of this over the past year as I've been trying to work on my SSM is that your weight is only an issue you need to confront if it is an issue for YOU. IMO the best way to figure out if it is an issue for YOU is to ask yourself if you would be reasonably proud ( I say "reasonably" because it's pretty much impossible for any woman in our society to feel 100% great about her body image) to, for instance, show up at your high school reunion or go on a blind date at your current weight. If you discover that it is a problem for YOU then you need to address it because otherwise it will weaken your ability to be a "woman in her power" and stand strong on the sex and alcohol issues in your marriage.
If you are reasonably happy in "the skin you are in" then you need to dismiss the weight issue as irrelevant to the sex issue. There are many women on this BB who are gorgeous by anybodys standards who have or are dealing with the low self-esteem fallout that results from having a LDH. In my own sich, I lost 30 lbs. in order to feel more confident that I was generally sexy but when my H suggested that I might need to lose another 20 if I wanted more sex I drew the line.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I read your post, doesn't sound like a fun situation to be in, my X husband was an alcoholic so I can relate to that portion of what you are going through...and my current H is LD...but a wonderful man.
I absolutely agree with Jenny on the weight issue, no question about that. I have a question for you though. Ok, you're not legally married to this man, you knew he was an alcoholic to begin with (and still is), and you say you've never been in love (these are all things you stated in your post)....this is going to be blunt but it's the only way I can ask this question......why are you still there? What is the benefit in staying? What's motivating you to stay? Ok that's three questions, but something to think about. Try answering them honestly for yourself, it's a place to start determining what to do.....one way or another.
Spiny, Welcome to the BB. GEL is right about this: Why do you stay in this R? Also what do you want out this R? SSM has some advice on how to answer it for yourself.
If I recall my W's ex-H was an alcoholic with no intent for any kind of self-improvement as was my ex-GF's real BF (he was also a crack user--she dumped me for this loser!)
Long-term alcohol use is known to cause LD. Assuming you decide to stay in this R, medical exams and tests will be necessary for him.
I can relate to parts of your sitch very well. My bf is an alcoholic, and was getting drunk every night for the first two years of our R. The sex was never great, and I was always the initiator. When I first joined this board, everyone asked me the same question: "why are you still in it?" We didn't have kids, and we still have our own houses. The "why" question isn't an easy one; I still ask myself that pretty much every day. For the people on this board who have been SS for years, have kids, houses together, and religious convictions that prohibit divorce, people like us who don't even have a piece of paper holding us in a SS relationship must seem very hard to understand indeed.
You said this:
Quote: I feel like once you get to the point where you have to talk about all this crap, that there's really no going back. That everything, past this point, is orchestrated, fake, forced, or whatever. When we do have sex, though, he's totally into it, will touch me, everywhere, have oral, lots of foreplay -- so that's good.
I disagree with the first part of this statement. I mean, I AGREE that I feel that way, too, that talking over all of this stuff ad nauseam only to see slight improvement and feeling like the sex thing will always be an issue FEELS all wrong. But some on this board have had success with continuing to keep the lines of communication open. I do believe that in every R, you "hit the wall" at some point over some issue: children, in-laws, money, something that makes you ask why you stay. And I do believe that communication-- real communication, not just having the same Talk over and over again-- is the only way past these obstacles.
What "comes after" true communication isn't forced or faked if you two have truly connected. If one of you is just placating the other, then yes, that phony lovey stuff just to you get you off their back is cr@p.
As for the second part of the statement, I wish I could say that when we do have sex, it's great, or even good... my bf has major ED problems, made worse by blood pressure meds, job issues, mother issues, money issues, and an almost school-marm-ish prudery. It sounds like if you could increase the frequency, there isn't a problem with the quality of the encounters.
I will refer you to a board called www.soberrecovery.com where you can get info and support about the alcoholism part of the equation. In the message board section, there's a place for friends and families of alcoholics. Also I recommend attending alanon meetings. They're free (except for a small voluntary donation), and you don't need to say a word to get something out of the meeting. When my bf's drinking was at its worst, I was going three or more times a week and I got something good out of every single meeting even though I never said one word out loud.
Oh, I should mention that my bf stopped all alcohol use over a year ago after having quad bypass surgery, but the sex sitch has not improved. If anything, we had more sex when he drank. I don't think he's ever had a sexual relationship when he was sober. His ex-wife drank and drugged together through 25 years. He recently stopped smoking, too, and now he's seeing clearly what a mess he is. Also as wdiftya pointed out there are physical ramifications to long term alcohol abuse (and smoking), too. I frankly don't know if the sitch will ever improve, but right now I've decided not to make any moves until his daughters graduate from high school in 2006. I don't want to put them through another break-up.
As for why a person stays... I think if you're still asking the question, it's not time to leave yet. In past R's, when it was time to go, I knew without a doubt.
Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join. (whom ever said that congrats! Its perfect!)
Well I'm not sure it would work but its worth a try. My H is not fall down drunk, just a daily minimum type thing that is so frustrating if he starts in the morning/midday. I've gotten him to start past 5pm so he isn't asleep durring the day. This is a great improvement. Now comes the "clincher" it is my counsellor's opinion that this steady beer consumption over the years is greatly responsible for his ED, erectile disfunction. Now I know the beer came before the ED, but, the heartbreak and depression that ED causes both of us adds to the want/need to consume beer. I can't find the "best" ED site but possibly you can find a site where it says, "you better love that booze bud, cuz your little friend is go'na die if you keep it up"
You said
Quote: The worst part, however, is that there is NO affection. Certain times that I tell him about it, he'll work on it, for a while, but eventually fail. Other times, he doesn't give a crap, or respond.
Let me ask you a very hard question, with the "party girl" mentality (grabbing a mirror and reminding me of myself a many years back) was there ever affection? or was there a togetherness from the embrace in the first place and a lusting for one another?
Michele's SSM book says sometimes the desire will come after the first bit of touch/foreplay so even if you initiate it, if he continues to respond to you its a good sign. Also, what else do you 2 do together?
The ppl here helped me understand the boozer. If you want to keep this R together, I'm sure LP and others here will be here when you need us.
Hang in there!
Last edited by LostGal; 06/10/0506:43 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Hi Spiny - I just wanted to say "welcome". I don't have any advice for you but wanted to say you are not alone. Your title caught my eye because I have an alcoholic (functional one who doesn't drink every day) H and lately he has been LD and lost all affection. I would say he was somewhat HD before the drinking and I was more average drive. We were always affection before (hand holding, cuddling, kisses hello/goodbye, etc.) Anyway, I have checked out the site that Lillie recommends and its great. I'll be watching and reading what people recommend to you. Thanks for sharing
SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Thank you all, so much, for responding. This is actually amazing. It's interesting -- but I am a poet -- and my manuscript is about "sexual narrative," -- so, I'm supposed to be all wise about sex, and what it means, and the psychology, the logic of it -- even the things which cannot be spoken of, directly.
But, in my own life, I feel lost.
To the question -- "why do I stay?":
Of course, I've asked myself this. I guess part of the reason, is that this is my second long-term relationship. The first, as I said, was fine, but boring, and I broke up with the man, so I could have more adventures. I was never in love with him, either.
I stay, because I don't want to take care of myself. I guess that's as honest as I can be. I've never been alone -- I've had a boyfriend since I was 18 (and cheated on the first one, numerous times -- actual love affairs -- not just sex), and I'm afraid, particularly with a child, of having to work. I'm not lazy -- I'm always moving around, going places, cleaning, cooking -- but I AM a writer, and I need a lot of time to read, explore and think -- and write. Despite the terrible relationship, it's almost just like having a live-in housekeeper and moneymaker. Sounds terrible, maybe. Maybe if I sound cold, it's because I once really loved him, and we could really talk -- and he's totally betrayed all of my trust, and used up the love I thought I once imagined that I had.
About the alcoholism -- I don't know if others who have responded have this situation -- but it ISN'T full-blown, anymore -- but it's still a 24/7 habit. It's just that he gets regularly drunk 2-3 nights a week, and has to spend 24-36 hours "recovering" (laying on the couch, ignoring everything and alternating between sleep and watching some idiot TV program), and is not being a father or partner. Of course -- nothing stands in the way of the drinking, and there's always energy for that. Used to, we'd have sex all night, when he was drinking -- but now, since he only drinks heavily a couple nights a week -- he's too busy drinking to bother having sex with me. Though, when he is drinking, his personality is expansive, he's nice to me, he'll tell me that he loves me, he'll maybe touch me. But when he's not drunk? He's a zombie.
This is someone who only drinks 2-3 nights a week, but is still a full-time alcoholic. It's sick.
Thank you for the links to the alcohol board. I think it's also depression -- about 20 years of untreated depression. His father slept with prostitutes, before finally having an affair, and leaving his mother, with three kids. His parents never showed any affection toward each other. His house was emotionally cold and void of empathy.
I don't know, but, psychologically I think he's trying to re-create, in me, the relationship that he had with his mother. After his dad left, he lived with her, and was a bad, disobedient young man. I often think he acts just like that teenaged, 15-year-old boy.
The worst part -- (someone mentioned communication) -- it's not possible for him to communicate, unless he's drinking. He's like a robot, or a zombie. It takes HOURS -- sometimes DAYS -- for him to respond to my "communications." He never apologizes. Never shows remorse. Never.
I believe the psychological term is "flat affect."
How are things going? Please let us know how you are doing.
Have a great weekend, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
.
For the people on this board who have been SS for years, have kids, houses together, and religious convictions that prohibit divorce, people like us who don't even have a piece of paper holding us in a SS relationship must seem very hard to understand indeed. 
