Quote: JJ.....do you think on some level you accept this behavior because your mom was verbally abusive?? So his behavior just is something you are use to?
Not exactly. I think part of the problem is I am way more afraid of being like my Mom than I am afraid of being treated the way she treated me. I am kind of relieved and amazed that even though my H has pushed just about every button imaginable, I still haven't crossed the line and become verbally abusive myself.
In "Great Expectations" by Dickens. The boy, Pip, lives with his ill-tempered older sister and her ineffectual husband. Pip and the husband both suffer much abuse from his sister. Pip is unable to do much about this because he is a child and the husband is unable to do much about it because he grew up in a household in which his father physically abused his mother and he vowed never to treat a woman that way himself, so poor Pip is left undefended. The best his kindly but wimpy brother-in-law can do is suggest to Pip that he ought to run away from home.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I would be quite amazed if any regular reader of this BB had much sexual attraction towards me because I reveal WAAAY too much. I mean I feel like I show up on this BB in my raggedy old Grandma underwear much more frequently than I show up in my hot new purchase from Victoria's Secret
JJ, from what you write I think you would be desirable to many men who were not looking for the perfect body. That perfect body image is for "teen age-minded" boys. I think most guys are a little slow on the learning curve when it comes to the biological processes we call aging.
Like I said before, Go to WalMart and look at couples. Some are almost perfect body types, while others apear to not have seen where their water comes from in ages. It amazes me to see so many body type combinations and the couples are holding hands at the store. But who knows what goes on behind closed doors?
Seeing BB when pregnant, the way she looked ( worn out) after delivery, the breast cancer / radiation, and all of the other things she had to go through and thinking to myself, "what would I look like if I had to go through all of thost things" makes me accept bodies the way the are if they are doing something to try to stay attractive.
That is the physical and I hear your mental raggedy old grandma intent too. Life is a series of ups and downs. Just because you post about the downs, does not make you a raggedy old grandma. You post about what is good in your M. You post what you do to improve your M.
Maybe I show up too much on this bb in my ink and toner stained work pants too, but that does not make me a weird-o. We are people with short commings, needs, wants and many, many assets.
The c*nt word from your H is over the line. I have heard the term used by some of the deliquent boys I worked with and during the 25 years I worked in auto repair shops. Most of the time it referred to women who did not seem to understand the point the guy was trying to make. It was not refering to anything sexual.
I heard women use the term "d!ck head" when refering to men who refuse to listen to them or men who just don't seem to get it.
Trying to be honest but not cross the line of not being respectful.
It is admirable that you haven't become verbally abusive like your mom, but I still think MW should be slapped with a set of JJ boundaries that he mustn't cross.
Otherwise it's a bit like saying, Oh he's hit me several times in our marriage but I'm just glad that I've never hit him back. kwim?
Otoh, if it doesn't bother you, then maybe it is borrowing trouble.In my opinion, if a person's intent is mean then it doesn't really matter if the hit was solid or the words did the trick, they need to be called on it regardless.
Does he ever apologize for his outta control verbiage?
Quote: Otoh, if it doesn't bother you, then maybe it is borrowing trouble.In my opinion, if a person's intent is mean then it doesn't really matter if the hit was solid or the words did the trick, they need to be called on it regardless
I don't think his intent was "mean" exactly. I think his intent was the same as the intent of a three-year-old who is kicking his legs and screaming "I hate you, Mommy!". He was more out of control than trying to control me. I think he gets hurt more when he behaves this way than I do. He can't stand to be someone who behaves like that so he has the tendency to think along the lines of "I can't stay married to a woman who makes me act like that.". Therefore, you are probably right that I should try to limit this kind of behavior. I did leave the room this weekend but he followed me around. I guess I could have left but I don't always come up with great boundary ideas when I need them. Even if I manage to hold on to myself pretty well, I'm usually a bit stunned.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Oh, I would surely mellow. Man, you all make it sound like I am obsessed with just pure physical animal lust. You all could not be further from the truth. I want emotional closeness as much as ANYONE. It is just that emotional closeness, desire(passion), and sex are all intertwined. It takes all 3 to be successful.
You do sound like you concentrate on the purely physical aspect 75% if not more. If this is how it comes across to your W, that will push her away....that will turn her off....that will not accompilsh your goal.
Take a look at your behavior....for that matter, take a look at your past posts on here....there's a definite pattern. You come across very forcefully on here....with quite a bit of anger/hostility/resentment/entitlement. If your W senses ANY of this she will back away from you rather than come nearer to you. I would find it very hard to believe this doesn't come through in your personal life with her.
I wonder if the CeMar's and GEL's ended up on deserted islands with each others spouses which pair would be more likely to have sex? No offense intended. I'm just musing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I don't think his intent was "mean" exactly. I think his intent was the same as the intent of a three-year-old who is kicking his legs and screaming "I hate you, Mommy!". He was more out of control than trying to control me. I think he gets hurt more when he behaves this way than I do.
The point is that this behavior is acceptable from a three-year old, but only until he learns better. The fact that he curbs his tongue when he is around your children means that he is NOT out of control, but in fact, is perfectly capable of controlling his language. I wonder why you keep rationalizing and defending his use of such disrespectful language?
I've been reading your thread for the past few days, feeling for you and wanting to comment, but not sure what to say.
I agree that you are the only one who can decide whether or not his language and actions bother you. I find myself thinking, wow, I would never put up with that kind of language or action from H, and that would probably be the deal-breaker (I say probably, 'cause as you all know, my H has done his share of deal breaking stuff, and I'm still sitting here... )
Then I realized the difference between your H and mine. You explain that he stopped in front of the kids, that you two had a discussion about it, and you sort of laughed together over his actions.
Ok - the anger's got to go. It's not good for either of you. But...at this point anyway, my H would not really care who was listening, and in the end, probably just tell ME it was my fault for making him feel that way (instead of yours getting upset with himself for feeling that you make him feel that way , subtle difference??), and there would be mile long crazymaking conversations for the next few days about how I upset him, am out to get him, etc... By the time I manage to put my foot down loudly enough for him to realize that I really am NOT going to listen anymore, he will have convinced himself (and against my better judgement, I'll probably be questioning myself) that it really WAS my fault.
Doesn't sound like you're quite there.
But - can you live with the fact that your H will probably throw 3 yr old fits every time he doesn't quite get his way? It doesn't sound like you or your kids are in any kind of danger, but once again...do you really want to be his mommy for the rest of your life? You've been at this for a while, and his fits seem more violent, or maybe you're just sharing more?
Huh? If we ended up on a deserted island w/each other's spouses...that'd mean I'd be on an island with CeMar's W....so I can easily say for me....there wouldn't be any sex going on, I'm not a lesbian. I know you were generalizing types there....but the way I read that you'd still end up with islands full of the same sex. I definitely would be having less sex than I am now LOL.
And if you're musing that if someone like me were to pair up with someone like CeMar....if his attitude were the same as CeMar's, I wouldn't go near him that would be an instant libido killer for me.
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