Great about calling H's work and asking for YOUR HUSBAND
The shaking feeling you had probably was because you were confronting OW in a sense.... Asking for your H has alot of meaning. I remember the first time after the EA that my H called me his wife in front of ppl. Nice feeling.
In my stich - at the begining and during part of the EA - I didn't have any friends to talk to. I hadn't found this board yet. It was soooo difficult trying to work through it alone. So I told my family ....everything. Now that we are back together - it's at the least uncomfortable and most time very difficult around them. I don't think my little brother will ever talk to him again. I wish I hadn't told them all the gory details - just that we were having problems.
I have a follow db friend now that lives close by - we talk all the time. I met her through this board. That has worked really well for me.
But I don't think not talking about it at all is the best way to work through it - talk here or with a friend.
During the EA my H was mainly talking with a couple male co-workers. One was single the other in the process of a D !!
My H got in contact with a very close male friend that he had lost touch with. This friend knows me very well too. We've all known each other for 8 years. I think it helped him to have someone to talk with. It helped him see reality instead of the fantasy world he was living in.
In my stich it helped that both of us had someone to talk to.
I think you are right I do not want our family to know because of how they could treat H as we work thru all of this.
I think you are right in regards to why I felt shakey - it was a form of confrontation when I asked for my H.
I'm just going to keep plugging away at all this and in trying to keep a PMA.
I did buy a new CD set yesterday called "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage". Have you or has anyone of heard of this one? If so, was it any good? I was also thinking of buying "change your life and everyone in it" by Michelle. Any input on that one?
Also, one more question - this is a little lengthy. Last night H and Son and I went to a baseball game. It was about a 1 1/2 hours from our house so lots of time for conversation. H and I were talking about his companies upcoming golf outting. My group only has a 3-some but we have a potential girl friend who is checking on day care - so we may have 4. Anyway all along I have wondered if OW was going to be on H's team. You see it is suppose to be employees only (and in his case his team is employees only). I'm in the outting because the owner's wife and I are related, so she always puts together a team and I have been on it in the past. Anyway H and I were talking and I asked if the company closes for the day because of the outting. He misunderstood and thought I ment his location only and said yes because we are all golfing but 2 people.
H says - pretty much because everyone in my location excecpt 2 people are golfing. Me - I said is Joe on your team H - yes and so is Jerry and tom (so I did not need to aks if she was on his team - good she is not) H - maybe OW could be your 4th Me - I don't think so, if that is the case I think I would stay back, plus we think we have a 4th H - I was just kidding Me - oh, ok... (I'm thinking ha ha - yah right real funny) That was the end of that conversation and we went on to talk about other things.
But why would he bring her name up and even suggest that? he knows I hate her. I also have been trying to do the right db'ing by not brining her name up or the EA situation.
Why would he bring up her name? He says he was kidding... What does this say? Is he trying to get back to normality by being able to talk about people (such as her) he works with? did he just want to see my reaction? is this sign that he feels he can bring her name up because there is nothing going on anymore?
Your posts seem to be full of OW. I know the whole EA can be crazy-making and painful, but you need to start moving past that. You are giving her way too much power by obsessing over every interaction etc. She seems to have diminished importance in your H's mind, but you keep bringing her up (even just in your mind - it's sure to colour your interactions). We've all gotten stalled in this mode at one point - it's natural but you're too special to stay in this mindset any longer.
What are you doing for yourself? What have you learned about your marriage? What 180s are you doing to improve your marriage? What 180s are you doing to make yourself happy?
She's a footnote to all this. Ignore her.
Have you set any goals? What progress have you and your H made in communication? I'd love to hear all that stuff!!
Oh, and earlier you talked about the possibility of H firing her. That would be a VERY slippery slope, as you can't legally fire someone for a romantic rendezvous gone bad. H could end up in a world of (frankly, deserved) trouble. Maybe she'll get frustrated or embarrassed and quit, but firing her could plant her even deeper into your lives.
But why would he bring her name up and even suggest that? he knows I hate her... Why would he bring up her name? He says he was kidding... What does this say? Is he trying to get back to normality by being able to talk about people (such as her) he works with? did he just want to see my reaction? is this sign that he feels he can bring her name up because there is nothing going on anymore?
Don't try to interpret "signs". It's a guessing game and it will drive you crazy and chances are good you'll never interpret them accurately. And even if you do, the very next moment things can change and you have to begin all over again. It also can throw you off course and undermine your DB efforts and keep your mind focused on the wrong spots. So unless this is an exercise you want to engage in 24/7 in order to make yourself bonkers, deal instead with real outcomes and results.
BTW, when a guy says he was "only kidding" after receiving a negative reaction, then IMO chances are either he really was only kidding, or wasn't and is now backpedaling. Again, you can see how trying to guess which one it is can make you nuts. Instead, if and when the OW shows up one day to make the foursome, then you have something real you don't have to guess about.
You are absolutely right!! And I know that. I need to move on, why is this sooooooo hard for me??? I try to do all the right things when I'm with H, but when I'm alone I do seem to be obsessing about OW.
Things I have been doing for me:
I am exercising again at least 3 times a week
I am learning to golf better (the name golfer pro is misleading - H is actually the pro). ANd I have always wanted to get better.
I have been going to the range a couple times a week.
I got a manicure yesterday and set an appointment for a pedicure next Monday.
In regards to 180's I do get a little confused but this is what I have been doing -
I am not controlling with our bank accounts and money anymore. I don't question H on every transaction and every dolalr he spends. I use to just completely control his and would question a $20 atm withdrawl.
I don't keep a list anymore. For example he would get home and I would say well I have - cut the lawn, did all the laundry today, did the dishes, went grocery shopping, etc. etc. Then I would say how was golf or how was fishing. I did this to try to show - I'm busy taking care of things and you are just out having fun. I do not do this anymore. I realize his time with his guy friends and brother is important. This was just not right to do. He is a huge help around the house - he vacuums, he mops, he cleans, etc. I just always tried to make him feel guilty - no longer do this.
If we are disagreeing on something and H ask for space I drop it and give him space - I use to follow him around the house and just continue making my point over and over because I felt I was always right - I know this not to be the case now.
I have made time for H when he gets home from work. I don't make him feel like we just need to get busy doing dinner, dishes, laundry, etc. etc.
We have been making a point of one night a week going out just the 2 of us - could be dinner, could be a boat ride, could be sitting alone in the hot tub when kids are in bed, could be going golfing, it just making sure we do this. I also never use this time to bring up topics that could cause conflict - this is OUR time and OUR Fun time. This is not he time to discuss money, the bills, OW, etc. It's time to focus on us.
I have been giving H time to spend with his guy friends to golf - I use to get mad that he was not spending every minute with me, but then all I would have him do is slave around the house.
I have learned to let the "little things" go. I use to start fights over stupid stuff. No longer do that - not worth it.
I have learned to smile more around the house, I am trying to show and keep a PMA when we are all together and maybe that is why I have been obsessing so much on this site about the OW - because that is my only outlet. Even they other day I was down a little and H said you are not your chipper self, what's wrong. So I know I have been so much more positive and happy around H.
I have also learned when to bring up topics that could cause conflict. Timing is everything and I use to just bring things up whenever I wanted. Unless critical I don't do that. I use to hit him right up first thing in the morning - no longer do that. He is not a morning person and that is not how he wants to start his day off. So I will wait until evening if needed.
I do think we need to work on communication though. And I'm not quit sure how to do that. There are things I would like to talk with him about that has happened that we have never ever spoke about. I would like to talk about these things once and not bring them up again. But, I am afraid to rock the boat because things are going pretty well. That may also be another reason I vent so much here.
How do I bring these tough subjects up? Any suggestions on this or on goals I should be setting or other things I should be doing?
Thanks again for pointing these things out and helping to push me in the right direction. I needed to hear this and I need to focus on the RIGHT things!!!!! Not OW. Because I do beleive he loves me and we do have a great family.
Thanks
I think working on my communication skills is a goal I need to have. I have made some progress. I no longer yell when I bring up tough subjects and I no longer name call. He still will if he gets really frustrated and H does not like conflict at all. Not that I do, but he will not talk about something if it has the potential to cause conflict. Any suggestions?
You are right I should not try to intepret - just very surprised because he really has never brought up her name to me. Knowing my H tit may have been his way to let me know for sure that "hey she is not on my team" and there is nothing there so I feel comfortable saying her name around you. But, who knows.
I am really going to try to get her out of my mind. I thank you for your insight. I need to focus on my db'ing stuff and not OW anymore.
My H jsut called me at work. I have a book called Emotional Infidelity. I bought it back in Jan./Feb. I have read it and highlighted parts in it. The other night (last week when H was out of town) I was feeling a little down and got some of my books back out and re-read some sections. Well anyway H just called and says
h - I see you left the EA book out on the dresser and highlighted areas. me - I said I was looking at it the other night. h - he says yes I think you left it out for me to see the highlighted areas (maybe I did in a way I'm not sure) me - I was just looking over some stuff - it helps me h - I can't beleive you are still thinking about this - it's a joke. me - I'm sorry I don't mean it that way H - I have to go got a lot to do at work today me - ok
He was not in a good mood - mad about his new cell phone not working, and then I don't think happy that I'm still looking at this book. Thing is - it has been on my dresser/night stand for 1 week. I guess he just noticed it. Now, I feel bad and feel we have taken a backwards step. You see he says there was not an EA. I think there was something. Why would he not want to help me get beyond this, why would he care if I was reading self help stuff?
h - I can't beleive you are still thinking about this - it's a joke. me - I'm sorry I don't mean it that way
H has a lot to learn about validating, doesn't he?
Don't be sorry. Validate him instead ("I can understand why you'd think that.")
and add your boundary ("It may not totally reflect what's happened here, but there are things in it I find it helpful to read. It's what I need for myself right now.")
it has been on my dresser/night stand for 1 week. I guess he just noticed it. Now, I feel bad and feel we have taken a backwards step.
Yep, guess he just noticed it. H's reaction had a negative effect on your emotions. Practice detachment so you don't get triggered that way by his statements. I don't see it as a step backwards. I see it as H imposing his thinking on you. You're the one experiencing yourself and you're the one who knows what you need, not him.
Thanks for your feedback you are absolutely right. My H does not like confrontation or conflict. Not that any of us do, but h actually will AVOID it instead of talk about it. Avoid and ingore. I always use to push - push - push. Not anymore - not the new me. I'm learning when the appropriate time is to bring things up or not bring them up at all.
Who knows Maybe H read a part I had open and it hit home and made him feel guilty. Oh well.
I really do like your validation approach. I will work on that, I think that would have been a great response and it is non-threatening which would be a great approach.
Thank you.
Maybe if I get a chance to bring it up I will mention to him your
quote: ---------------------------------------- ("I can understand why you'd think that.")
and add your boundary ("It may not totally reflect what's happened here, but there are things in it I find it helpful to read. It's what I need for myself right now.")
----------------------------------
Because that is definitely the truth these books do help me and without them I would not have made any positive changes in me.
I did re-read part of db'ing lst night and just thought I would share - we all need to focus on solutions not the problems - how often I forget that. Solutions, Solutions, Solutions!!! I'm going to continue to try to drive that into my mind over and over again!
Anyway, a little advice please - I have the big golf outting tomorrow. I will most likely not be able to check this message board after 3pm today until Saturday. With that said, how should I act at the outting knowing OW will be there...
Should I ignore her? Should I try to stay away from her? Should I stay very close to H for the luncheon and for most of the day?
This is the OW's first opportunity to see H and I together since before all of this happened. I don't want to make the wrong move and I want to try to convey a message to her that we are together and happy. I know, there I go again talking about OW - but I will see OW tomorrow really for the 1st time since before the January 2005. I'm a little nervous and I want to show I'm confident with my H and our R. Of course I'm not going to be hanging all over him. Has anyone had to face the OW in a setting like this before, it's somewhat of a work outting. What do I do if I notice she walks up to H and starts talking - do I ignore or do I go join them?
