Things have changed a lot in my sitch, so I felt the need for a new thread. Old thread here: They do come back!.
I just want to pull out all my hair and dissolve into a crying, blubbering mess on the floor.
I love my husband. I don't know why. But I know that I do. And I know I want to stay married to him. Even after all the lies. Even after everything he did to me.
But why? Do I really love him that much? Or am I just holding on to what we had once, and who he was once, as he thinks? Why do I feel such an intense need to make this work? Why?
I must ask myself this a million times a day. I have no answer. Except that it's what I feel. In my heart, it's what I feel I should do.
*sigh*
Ok. Now for the recap:
- Me 25, H 25 - Married young, at 18 - 2 kids, ages 6 and 3 - While deployed last year, H started telling me how he realized he still loved me and always had, shouldn't have ever left, is ready to be my husband again, does't NEED me in his life, but WANTS me in his life, etc etc. - 3/05 H returns from deployment in Iraq - H comes up for 1st visit - I read his email, (I know, I know) and find emails between him and OW talking about getting married - I confront H about emails, H swears he didn't write them - H badmouthes OW cause she's neglecting her kids and has turned in a drug-addicted loser - H comes up for 2nd visit last week, we had our first real talk - H says he's not ready for a relationship, he doesn't know who he is and has to find that out before he can have a relationship, is still continuing to lie to me about things, says he's happy in his misery, but still loves me and always will - H has a LOT of issues from the war - can't stand to be touched, can't be near lots of people, doesn't smile or laugh that much, doesn't really play with the kids, has anger issues
I guess that sums it up pretty well. He actually initiated the conversation a few days ago, which surprised me. Then we talked off and on for a few days. I didn't know how deep his issues from the war ran. But I know now that he is having a very hard time accepting reality. He's now unsure as to what he wants. He didn't know transitioning to life after being over there would be this hard. He said he had two ideas of what would happen when he got back. One, that I would have just continued on in my life, stayed with my boyfriend, etc. Two, that everything between him and me would have returned to normal and everything would be all hunky dory. I would prefer the latter, but that ain't the case. We didn't come to any conclusions in our talks, but I did let him know a lot of things. I have been pushing for the kids and me to move to TX where he is, so we can see him more often. He was always against that. I never knew why, and alway assumed it had something to do with OW. I really don't know if there's anything between them anymore. H says he can't stand her. Her daughter told me they're not together anymore. And I hear him talk about me to people there, so I know I am no secret. But I don't trust him, so.... Especially after I found those emails. I dont know *what* to make of that. When I confronted him he asked why he would be trying to work things out with me if he was still with her. I said I didn't know.. I didn't tell him, but I've wondered if reconciling with me was a ploy to get something fom me.. The kids, maybe.. I don't know. I don't want to believe he would be capable or that. But then again, I never believed he was capable of the things has already done. Anyhow, H was under the impression I wanted to move there, move in with him, and jump back into being married. I didn't want that, and told him so. He's not ready for that, and I am not sure I am, either. So my plan is to move to TX and get an apt. for me and the kids, and H can come over when he wants and leave when he wants, so we can see him more than every other month, and he doesn't feel trapped and can leave when it becomes overwhelming. He listens to the idea but doesn't give me an answer either way. Then yesterday he gets a call that OW is in jail, and CPS is going after her kids. He doesn't want anything to happen to the kids, so I suggest we all drive down there so he can take care of it. He decides to go, but wants to go alone so he can get it done faster and come back up here. Then I start thinking about a loan that he got a few days ago, and LIED to my face about. He wouldn't tell me what it was for. He did apologize for lying when I confronted him, and said it was cause he's used to having his own life and not having to answer to anyone about his actions. So now I am thinking, what if the loan was to get OW out of jail? I HATE thinking this way, but I can't let myself trust him yet. He says he would let her kids get taken from her just to teach her a lesson, but he doesn't want that cause it's not what's best for the kids. So, I think, if he would want that to happen to her, he wouldn't bail her out? Right? Right? But I have no answer.
I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel, and how, even after 3 years of this, I could never give up on him. And I am not about to give up on him now. And maybe this is how much I love him. I don't understand it. But maybe that's what it is. Either that, or I'm just stupid.
I look at his issues from the war the way I would look at him being an alcholic or drug addict, or becoming paralyzed or something. I wouldn't give up on him then. He says he doesn't want to hurt me again and again. He says he can't stay with us and keep inflicting his misery on us. But something in me won't let him go again. I let him go before and he came back. Don't they say that means something?
Guess no one has any advice for me.. That's ok, I don't know what to tell myself either.
I am pretty sure H is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He has all the signs of it, and most of the guys coming back from Iraq will have it. Over 20 guys have already killed themselves. So needless to say, I am worried sick. I brought it up last night and he said that he'd been told enough about it and had enough briefings about it and changed the subject. But I emailed him a list of symptoms anyway. I told him I know he's probably gonna be mad at me for sending it, but it's a chance I have to take, and that I am really worried about him. We'll see how he takes that. He's supposed to be back up here in the next day or so, but I haven't heard from him all day so I have no idea what's going on.
I am reading this book reccomended to me by a vet who now counsels other vets.. It's called _Vietnam Wives_ and it's about what the wives of these vets had to go through, and what the vets themselves went through, and are still going through. It's amazing reading. And I had a realization which gave me some hope - although H does have a lot of issues, he seems to realize some of them. Several times after I have hugged him, when he'd pull away he'd apologize and tell me that affection is hard for him. And he told me he has anger issues.. I am so glad that he is/was able to voice that to me.. Instead of just pulling away from my hug, or shutting down. This gives me a lot of hope..
The kids and I are driving down to see him next weekend for Father's day.. This will be our first time down there, first time meeting all his friends and stuff.. Fun, fun. I am debating what type of card to get him. I don't want to go overboard and get him a super romantic mushy card, but I don't want something too un-romantic, either. I might end up making my own. I have a tendency to not know when enough is enough and I could write him things and make him cards all day long. And I don't think that helps anything.. I need to read LL and find out what his are.
Just got done talking with H about our trip down there.. He asked if we'd wanna stay in some cabins on a lake there for the weekend. There's a water park, fishing, and horseback riding, so the kids are excited. Makes me really happy to know he's thinking of us and making plans and all that. I really worry sometimes that we're not as important as I would like to think we are.. We talk on the phone daily, and he's almost always the one to call first, but it's just not the same as living together and being around each other daily. I really miss that.
"The way to experience ultimate happiness is to let go of all worries and regrets, and to know that being happy is the most satisfying of life's feelings. Reflect back on all the progress in your life and allow the positive, creative and joyous thoughts to outshine and overwhelm any sorrow or grief that may linger in the recesses of your mind. Knowing that disease and disaster are natural parts of life is the key to overcoming adversity with a calm and happy spirit. Happiness is waiting there in front of you. Only you can decide whether or not you choose to experience it. Take this to heart."
"Give yourself to love itself, without a shred of you remaining. Die completely into loving. When you return, when your sense of self is recollected, you will be refreshed through and through, washed awake by the innocence lying wide on the other side of surrender."
Got back from a weekend visit with H. Things went great, IMO. The last night there he and I sat up drinking, watching movies, and talking. It was the first time I felt completely comfortable around him, and I think he did too, cause he stayed over really late (the kids and I got a hotel cause his apt. is too small). I was disappointed that he didn't stay in the hotel with us, but I didn't make an issue of it.
We talked a lot about OW and her psychoticness. I am 100% certain there is nothing between them anymore. I wasn't positive til now, but now I know. I'm still scared though, cause I think she really may be crazy. H's car got hit a few weeks ago in a parking lot, hit bad enough that he couldn't open the front door and barely open the back door. He found out through a friend of hers that it wasn't an accident. She was in jail at the time, so I guess she had one of her friends do it. She was mad that I was there this weekend, and didn't want her daughter hanging around me. She went off on me and her daughter (T) stood up for me, so she got even more mad. I also read some text messages she sent H on his cell phone, and she was still whining about the stuff he wrote me. 3 months ago I had forwarded her copies of the emails he sent me when he first started asking me to give him another chance. Mushy, emotional stuff about me and negative stuff about her. So she's apparently still hung up on that. I couldn't read the outgoing texts, though, so I don't know what H said to her. And T told me she talks like her and H are still together, was talking about taking them all out for Father's day. T asked her why, and she said something about that's what people who are going out do. T said she told her uhh, you're not going out with him. She also showed up at his apt. the day before I left to come home, and started screaming at him. T doesn't like her and doesn't ever want to be around her, which is her own fault because she is never around and when she is, all she does is scream at people and start fights. But she blames H for T not wanting anything to do with her.
So. I am worried that the crazywoman might do something drastic. On one hand I am a bit grateful for her stupidity and all the drama she causes, cause H hates all the drama, so it makes me look even more better. but I am really worried she might try to hurt him or T. She told him when they were together that she would kill him if he ever left her. I told him he needs to get a restraining order against her, but I don't know how that would affect him seeing T. He wants to try to get custody of T, but I have looked up the laws online and I'm pretty sure the only way he could is if psycho-bitch gives up custody and lets him have T.
Apparently crazywoman is accusing H of being "more than friends" with T. T is only 12. So I can understand her concerns, even though they are totally unfounded. My H may have been a total dog to me, but he is not like that. But being that is she is crazywoman, it's probably just her trying to start more crap. So H has decided that all of them are out of his life completely. (see me jumping for joy?! although I will miss T) He is not going to allow her to get him in that kind of trouble.
Now here I am dwelling on little stuff that probably doesn't mean anything, but bothers the crap out of me. H has not said ILY after getting off the phone or IM since I got back from TX. He usually says it, and almost always says it first. I don't say too often for fear of smothering him. Other thing was that a few days ago I emailed him saying I missed him. Which I really do. He read the email today but didn't respond or say anything to me (we were talking on IM at the time he read it). So I asked him if the email bothered him, cause he seemed to ignore it. He asked why would it bother him, and apologized and said he was still kinda shaken from what happened earlier. So I dropped it. I want to ask so bad why he hasn't been saying it, but knowing him it's prolly nothing and it'll just aggravate him if I ask. So I won't. But ahhhhhh it drives me crazy. He can't even hug me, the least he could freakin' do is tell me he loves me. Bah.
So crazywoman is in jail again. This time for 6 months. Which is great for me, cause it gets her away from H. But now H is stuck with her kids fulltime. He doesn't want anyone else to take care of them, and I respect the commitment he has to them. But it still gets to me.
I am thinking I am depressed and am planning to find counseling. Irritating thing is my insurance only covers 8 visits a year.. Stoopid.
Why has no one ever visited me? Do I smell or something? Sheesh.
I am about 90% done with my H. I've already found myself telling people it'll be over soon, and looking up divorce laws. I just don't have the energy or desire to go on this way anymore.
although I will miss T) He is not going to allow her to get him in that kind of trouble.