Hi Ellie, thanks...I know, this would help a lot, if we could do something, if I even met him over there for lunch, (which he told me ow used to do sometimes) or went with him, what ever. I dunno, I guess I'm afraid there is still kind of a barrier up in that regard. nothing tangible, just something I "sense"????? assumptions again, I guess.
I do have lot of anxiety now, and I keep thinking about why that is....lots of reasons, that he may not be able to make the break this time, and then I have to make a really tough decision, am I ready to call it quits???? or not???? I know that he hasnt seen her outside of work for what, 3 weeks now? but that is still so "new" and I know he's hurting, and I imagine that she will pull out her bow and start the fiddling again. ...If he is not calling her, the phone bill should go down in the next 6 weeks or so...I guess it's hard for me to not be afraid that won't happen. which raises the question all over again in my mind, is he just stringing me along? ummmmmm, I dunno, just really tough stuff for me to deal with.
I did read on your new thread this morning about how not spending so much time worrying about stuff that didnt happen would have made a difference to/for you. I just have such a tough time getting to that point. Borrowing trouble....I know....
I remember you mentioned a couple weeks ago on my last thread that you made up "pet" names for you and your H when you "got to that stage", which brings up a question i've been thinking about...that must mean that you see some recognizable similarities between your sitch back then, and mine now??????? If so, I'd love to hear them.
Also about the pet names, I'm curious, how did you use them, just in "romantic moments", or joking moments, or...?????
ah, I forgot to mention one little thing....or journal it so I can recall is more accurate....actually a couple of things, now that I think of it...
At one point H actually thanked me for all the darn hard work of cleaning up the mess in the cabinets...and other things in general...he commented "it's so nice to live here when everything is all nice and organized and clean". I couldnt help but hope that might have been a reference to ow's chaos, which right now I have to admit is reigning at our place as well.
D called Sunday morning all upset that her H's car broke down on them and they were walking home from church. I guess she just needed to blow off steam, but asked what I thought might be wrong, then wanted to know what her Dad thought. H was lifting weights, I took the phone down to him, told him she needed to talk to him, and he kinda blew a fuse, got iritated, angry...I just said "OK, I'll tell her you can't talk right now", but H came and took the phone and talked to her. A little later he actually came upstairs and found me and apologized for "being snappish"...as Mollie W (I think) mentioned recently on her thread, this is different, H NEVER used to apologize for ANYTHING...it is especially different that he made a point of interrupting his workout and coming upstairs to find me and do it THEN.
Last night when H got home, he was out of his beer (I know I probably make him sound like a lush, he really isnt, but does drink about 2 a night)anyway, I said I would run in and pick some up for him because I needed to get some allergy meds anyway...he said, "I hate to run you around, but I would sure appreciate it"...under his breath I heard him mutter "I sure need one tonight"....usually when he asks me to pick him up some beer that means ow trouble. I'd made a couple of quick things he really likes for dinner since I was home, and he was tickled and said "thanks"...which is fairly new, he not only never used to apologize, he never said thanks, either. Then, he asked if he could have a brownie for desert (I'd made some on Sunday), and almost sounded like a little kid, I got the impression that he kinda needed some extra attention/babying as much as he wanted a brownie. I dunno, just a thought that hit me.
as always, I guess I'm questioning, pondering, over-analyzing....
You know, Ellie, I realize part of what scares the bejeebers out of me is, what if I ask him if I can go to the office with him and he says "no"????? I don't have lot of confidence, do I?
Son of a B---h!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn it! I just got an email from H saying they had made another change in paperwork requirements, and his weekends of leisure may be over, but he needed to keep his hours up so he didn't mind too much.
Same song, fourth verse, a whole lot worse....that is just almost verbatim what he told me last fall, in a email that I have saved, when he started going back to see her. damn, damn, damn, damn damn.
I probably shouldnt have, but I sent him this email:
Quote: ILY H, I always have and I always will. I guess you know why the weekend stuff bothers me without me spelling it out. You needing to work is not, and never has been an issue. Other things are. I can't help but be reactive, over reactive, I'm sure, in your point of view, because the pattern is so familiar.
I know it's hard to discuss anything now, but again the pattern is just so familiar. I have your emails from last fall that said the exact same thing. and each time I sense you pulling back from me.....
Damn it. Damn it all to hell, I had so hoped we could make it this time.
Are you back with her? I cant imagine she will ever ever ever give up.
I'm sitting here dripping sweat. This sucks so big time. I dunno, maybe it is time to cut my losses and save myself more pain.
If he replies and says "no, really, it's work" then just answer "I'm sure then you won't mind if I bring some work with me and join you? I know it seems silly but that's what it will take to put my mind at ease."
gee, are we all surprised?????? he hasnt answered me. I think I'm gonna throw up. I sent another one and he hasnt even read that one (I didnt mark the one I sent) I just dont have any fight left in me. I cant live with this constant upheaval anymore. I'm sitting here in tears...I am so sick of this. I don't know what else to say. I really do feel like I'm going to throw up.
Deb - STOP. You don't know why he hasn't answered the email. Don't send any more. Get up and get out of the house. ACT don't REACT. You are making major ASSumptions right now. If you are right - okay. But if you are WRONG - you will be pushing him away.
Deb Elle is right. you are buying trouble where there may be none. Cant you in your position with your facility find out if he actually received a directive to build up his hours? If not and he is on the up and up he wont mind your suggestion of going with him.
You need to be careful here my friend. Stop letting your emotions undue all the hard work you have done. You will push him away with all this....dont mean to be blunt but if you keep it up, especially with no proof of anything at all he is going to start feeling like this is the way your marriage will be forever.
Do you really think he believes you are that naive? I think he would have come up with a better plan if they were reigniting again.
Sorry Ellie, I just got back on the board, actually i'm at work and I needed to take care of some stuff (imagine that)....I did stop emailing him. I actually wrote out 2 more and then deleted them. I managed to decide on my own to just let it drop. I did get an email from him saying he wasnt back with her, "believe me after 2 years and nothing happening she is ready to move on" and that he couldnt take the intensity and that yes, it was going to drive him away because he cant live with it.
I realized also that I'll never get him to open up, and stay that way, if I'm so reactive. It is damn hard for me to deal with this though, since I've seen and heard the exact same thing at least 2X before.
Instead of sending the email, I called the attorney again, and got the details about filing, costs info that I forgot to ask last week.
I will send you my number I can get a head knocking when needed. I appreciate your offer.
yeah, I know you are absolutely right about borrowing trouble and driving him away.
I am not dealing with this well though. I don't know what to believe, evidently he does think I'm incredibly naive or stupid or something because this is exactly the line he's used before..........but I dunno, maybe he just doesnt see it. Then again, maybe he's po'd because he is being truthful this time and I can't see it....
the problem is I don't know what to believe and I'm not able to be so blind and gullible anymore.
It'll be just my luck I'll file for D and he'll have been telling the truth....
boy this is harder I think than it's ever been, well just as hard anyway....to go through what looks like the same darn thing over and over again just blows me away (obviously). I'm not even sure if NOT responding to his emails was the way to go, I did manage to recall the adage about "when in doubt, do nothing"....
I just don't know anymore, about anything, it seems.
but maybe I didnt worsen the damage when I stopped emailing.
