About 4 months ago my H kissed his secretary when he was drunk, I caught them. To make a long story short the first 2 months we just a mess. I have forgiven him because I was not the best W. We did have issues - I was controlling, we had no intimacy, we fought a lot, etc. etc. But, I decdided I want this marriage and took this as a wake up call, my H did to. My issue is things are actually pretty good between us, we are getting along - past 2 months - better than ever. The intimacy has returned, the caring has returned, we are not arguing we are applying alot of the principles we have read about in the books. My issue is he works with her and see her everyday. That is hard for me, but I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is the after hour cell phone calls. Now for the first 2 months after the kiss the cell phone calls were huge. For the past 2 months they continue to go down, but they still talk. I did notice that on the last bill dated May 27th, he did nto talk to her on the 23th, 24th, 25th, 26th, or 27th. So that is good. But, she is calling him. He even admitted that, but he says it is cuz she has work questions. I don't beleive that, she never use to call before the kiss. I have forgiven him but each time she call or each time I see the cell phone bill I feel like I go right back to the night of the kiss. He does not understand that. He says he is here for the long haul and that I have nothing to worry about. He says he loves me, he is home every night, he is sleeping with me, he is not with her. He says it was one dumb drunk kiss. Fine - but I think she is pursuing him. I think he kind of likes that - it's a little flattering for him. What do I do? I have asked him to tell her to quit calling unless it it work related. Is that ok to do? I know it is not all work related, he says he is now pushing her into voicemail and not returning calls that are not work related. I just am so unsure. I even listened to a few of her voicemails because I know how to get into it and this is what one said 2 days ago "Hi it's me just called to say HI" and this was at like 10pm at night. H did not take the call, but this pisses me off. Another one said "just calling to see if you are ok" - this was about one month ago. Another one said "did you zap me into voice mail, I will call you later" this was one week ago around 10pm. Again not work related. What do I do, how do I get over this? Do you think he really wants to work things out with me? He is home everyday, and we are going out at least once a week and having a nice time, we are doing things as a family with our kids, and we are getting along great. This is the only issue. Help!
It's golferpro again. Last night I came homeand H had dinner ready for the kids and was feeding them. He was taking me out to dinner. We went to dinner and had a nice time, but while he ran into the store I looked thru a folder of his. This folder shows when he goes to AA - sign in and out times. Well last week he left the house in the AM on saturday and said that is where he was going. But on the sign in sheet it shows he went at lunch on Thursday. So I think he lied to me. I mention in a round about way when he gets back in the car that I wish he wasn't like his friend that lies to his W. H then says to me - what you do go thru my folder, you don't have a clue everything is not there and you are looking at the wrong things. So now I get to thinking, where was he for 2 hours. Did he meet the OW? Why would he lie about this? So later in the evening last night we do get into an argument. I tell him I just can't take this and it is not right maybe we should end it. In the beginning of the argument he states no that is not what he wants. But the argument continues and he states he is sick of me looking at his phone bill, he is going to get a new cell phone, it is none of my business and he doesn't want either of us. So what does that mean - "he doesn't want either of us"? If nothing is going on why would he say "either" of us. Sometimes I think he is trying to do the right thing and keep our family together, but I think their is something going on. I'm not sure what, but something. I really don't think H is sleeping with OW but I think their is something or why would they continue to talk on the phone. Why would he get so upset that I saw his files and it looks like he lied? I'm thinking maybe I should just go away. I'm so sick of this up and down business, I just want to be happy again. Any advice? Am I wasting my time?
Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy yet? That'll really help you. Also read some of the article on this site. And the postings on this BB. I find it incredibly helpful and inspiring to read other people's journeys, discoveries, backslides, progresses, worries etc. It's really improved my ability to cope.
No one can tell you if you're just being jealous, but it sounds as though there are certainly signs of an EA. But who knows? Stop snooping immediately - it just gets you spun out and worried. And makes you the less attractive option (not fair, but unfortunately true). Stop confronting him... it only pushes him away.
Start examining what happened in your M that made this happen. See what role you played - again, it's not fair that you have to be the one doing the soul-searching, but that's the reality we all live with. Change your behaviour to change the dynamic that has put your M in this place. That's a really hard process... I know I see every day ways that I was hurting my M, and it's not a lot of fun to look at.
And by saying that you need to change your behaviour, I am IN NO WAY (can't overstate it) saying that this is your fault, that you deserve this, that your H hasn't utterly lost his ever-lovin' mind! I just mean that the ONLY thing you can control is 100% of your 50% of the marriage. You can only control yourself, because our spouses are beyond our reach right now.
Most importantly - get a life! Build a wonderful life for yourself beyond your H and your M. Have fun. That was what I was most reluctant to do, and now it's BY FAR the best thing that has come out of DBing for me. At the lowest time in my life, somehow I'm having a blast. And I was terrified that if H saw me moving forward that he'd feel free to just leave - it I remained a quivering puddle of tears that he'd feel obligated to stay. Well, just like EVERYONE says - it's the opposite. I feel like a Goddess again, and I'm seeing signs that he's seeing me with new eyes. But who knows if now that I'm a goddess I even want this mere mortal?
Good luck and post as often as you need to. It's therapeutic and you're guaranteed to get lots of viewpoints.
Yes I have read the books and back in January. I think I need to get them out and reread some sections. I think that is why things seemed to be improving. But, I have forgotten some of the concepts. For awhile I was not snooping. But, sometimes it just drives me crazy - I wan to know what is going on. I often feel I can't call him at work. Now he says call anytime, but what aggravates me is she is the receptionist and she answeres the phone, so I feel uncomfortable. I feel like she is laughing at me - thinking what a fool. But, then I think he has never moved out, granted Jan. and Feb. were bad and he had a lot of hotel nights. But since the end of Feb. he has been home everynight, he doesn't go out at night unless we are with the kids, it's just us, or we are with friends. I just am so confused. I think of things he says - like I'm here for the long haul. I love you and only you. But, then why would he talk to her? He told me he is just starting pushing her into voice mail and he will not call back unless it is work related. I have a hard time beleiving that - will I ever trust him again? ANd he has said things have been so good lately, he thinks I should just trust again. He wonders if this will always be an issue between us. I'm thinking until the phone calls stop it will be an issue. Other things he has done - he planned a nice 3 day weekend for our anniversary a month ago we had a great time. He is planning an upcoming weekend for us - so he says but it is sure taking him sometime - a couple weeks to be exact. But, in fairness he does have a lot going on a work and says he is waiting to determine where we will go based on his upcoming work travels. He thought maybe I could accompany him on a trip for work and we could extend into the weekend. he also has been doing alot around our house, alot of yard work and landscaping. So I don't know - I think there are good signs but maybe it is a EA. Or do you think maybe he is trying to make to make it work with me, but she wants him and he is just flattered so he wont tell OW to quit calling. I just need to move on and get a grip I know that but I also want my family to be happy. Any more suggestions I do greatly appreciate them.
I reread parts of the books this weekend - thank you for suggesting it. Overall H and I had a good weekend. He felt bad about our argument on Thursday night and as soon as I saw him at lunch on Friday he wanted to make up and he said we should never go to bed mad. I told him I agreed. We spent the afternoon together Friday volunteering at our kids school. We had a nice time and then he took me golfing and out to dinner Friday night. Sometimes I think these are such good signs. We had a great day on Saturday to. We took our S to a ball game and all 3 of us had fun. Sunday we had friends over all day and it was just really nice. He took no phone calls on Sunday so that made it even better I did not worry about his cell phone. I just know she is calling him. I think he might be staring to make the move not the take the calls. He did tell me he is pushing her into voice mail. But, I didn't ask anymore questions. I wanted to ask well do you call her back? But, I did not do that. I just feel like I need to know. This has been going on for 6 months. I thought we were working it out until I learn about their calls. That really bugs me. How do I get over that? These I are the things that go thru my mind. In January and Feb they talked each month 600 to 700 minutes. In March and April around 160 minutes, this last bill for May was down to 110 minutes. So I think it is moving in the right direction, but why do I feel the need to know all this? How can I get over it. Even this weekend we had a great time, but I did end up checking his messages on Sunday late, and he called him. It was another "Hi it's me just calling to say HI". But, I will admit it felt good to hear that her voice sounded a little different, almost like why aren't you calling me. Maybe I'm reading into it or wantint to read into it, but I really think she sounded different and it made me feel good - like "ha ha". Get the hint go away he is with his family. I know I need to quit snooping, but I'm finding it hard. I never mentioned the message to H and I did nto erase it - never do that. But, it did make be feel more compelled to be super sweet and super nice the rest of the day. Is that strange or what?
Sometimes I think and I know I'm making the wrong moves. today will be hard he is back to work for the week and she is there. How long do these types of things take to end when he has to work with her and see her everyday? Won't this really make our chances harder to get it all back? Does she need to be completely out to the picture? Sometimes based on what I've seen on the phone bill )I know I should not look), but it really looks like she is pursuing him. Will this make it harder for me? Will H ever just get sick of her and tell her to go away? How will I know the bond is broken? If any of you have been thru this please let me know what you think. I greatly apprectiate it. I just feel he loves me, he says he does, he told me he is in this for the long haul. Help. Thanks!!!!!
It's golferpro again - one more thing. Do you think this whole thing could just be very flattering to H? He has her attention and I think she wants him because I actually do beleive some of the things he says and I do think she might be pursuing. So sometimes I wonder if he just like the attention. When we have been out we now have a good time, and there is so much more affection in our relationship more than there has been in 2 years. See then I start to think - maybe I'm stupid, maybe there is something more going on. But, then I think I'm being paranoid. I go from one extreme to the next. Is this normal? Also, how will we ever rebuild trust? ANy suggestions? Won't the calls have to completely stop for me to feel good? Will H just say there are no more calls? Will H say I want to rebuild trust? You see we have talked about trust and he knows it will take time, but then he does somethings like the phone calls and where was he 2 weeks ago on Saturday morning when he says he was at an AA meeting. I have never brought the AA meeting up but he was gone for 2 hours and I really don't think that is where he was. Will he ever become an honest person or are H like this just chronic liars?
I supposed you'll never really know, would you? He could be a very good actor...worthy of an Oscar! My H said he broke off with the OW, but how do I know if it is really true? The OW is a co-worker...he sees her everyday at work. I mean, he could say that he has broken up with her just to shut me up. Who knows? Not I! I have not allowed myself to be bothered by him nor his OW no more. I have been focussing on myself and my kids more these days.
I suppose you are right. But, I want to feel I can trust again. Sometimes I feel I do. Last night we had another great night. He turned his phone off early and took no calls. But, I think she called and he just pushed her into VM. Or maybe I'm parinod. Who knows. But, we have been getting along good, and he seems to be focusing on our family. He tells me he wants me to get over it and that he is home everynight with me. That he is taking me out and we are having fun. He even told me he thinks things are really going well with us, they are better than ever. I just really wonder if he is being truthful. I want to belive - but I'm scared. I also have started jogging, and working out regularly about 2 months ago. I'm real involved in my kids school stuff and I love being with them and doing things. I just want the whole family thing to work out. He said last night we should invite some friends over this weekend (out of town guests). We are get along great. I'm open to it. I want to be positive about everything, but I hate her more because I think she is pursuing. If you think that what do you do - is there anything I can do? I would never call her, major db'ing mistake. But, I feel like she is making a fool of me and laughing at me. How can woman chase a married man...???? what kind of woman would do that?
