Long story short: married 26 years at the end of this month, three kids. First two kids required fertility treatments (Clomid) and a great deal of effort to conceive. After #2, sex life went by the wayside for a long time. After about 4 years of this, I made the point that a frequency of once per week was pretty much what I considered a minimum, so we started on a once-per-week schedule. After only a month or two of that, child #3 was the result. Shortly before his birth, I lost my job, and was unemployed for an extended period, and self-employed (and not doing very well) for several years after that. SL pretty much ended at the beginning of that period (1991). Marriage went on autopilot during this period, but about 5 years ago, I decided I couldn't live like that any more, and started taking steps to improve the situation.
So, for the last 5 years, I have been pressing the point, and during that time we have seen 2 counsellors, she has seen a third on her own, she has tried HRT (she's 51 now, and post-menopausal), and we've read numerous books such as SSM and PM. Many of my efforts, and trials and tribulations, can be found on this forum, going back about 2 years (when we read SSM). Every year for the last 5 years, it seems to be the same story. I (once again) let her know how unhappy I am, we work out some kind of plan, we take some action, try some things, work on it for a while, seem to be making progress, then everything once again slides back into the abyss.
Most recent trigger-point: Last week I once again called attention to the fact that our SL was pretty much non-existent, and reminded her again that we need to pay attention to this aspect of our lives. I suggested (pretty much in desperation) that perhaps we should try scheduling 2 nights per week for LM. She didn't really respond one way or another at the time (she was driving me to work, and it's a short trip - there wasn't much time for conversation). A week went by, during which time I was waiting for her to let me know in some fashion that she either agreed or disagreed, and after waiting that long, I finally brought it up again one evening, and we discussed it. She agreed to give it a try. She was basically waiting for ME to take some action, but after everything we've been through, I said "Why is it always up to me?" I said I wanted HER to take some action that would show me some commitment on her part. After a further week of her trying to decide what nights would be best, we finally agreed to try a loose schedule that would include Sunday night, and one of Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
So last night we ML, and here's how it went. First, the only indication I had that this was the night was that she spent a fairly long time in the washroom before bedtime, and took a bath, although I wasn't really sure she had done so. When I came to bed, she was naked, which was my tip-off. So I locked the door, and turned out the light, and we proceeded. It certainly wasn't the hottest session we ever had, but she did get excited enough to lubricate (no AstroGlide needed), which is significant since she has often had a problem with dryness. However, once I entered her, she just seemed to want it over with. Afterwards, I asked her if there had been any pain, and she said "No, I just can't seem to get into it." Boom. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
We talked about it for another 10 minutes or so, during which time she once again went over "what she's dealing with", in terms of being tired all the time, all the stuff with the kids that she handles (the kids are now 21, 19 and 13, the oldest 2 are in university), etc. etc. Given our history, and especially the last 5 years, I had to say that this just sounds to me like more of the same ol' same ol'. Each year it's something else, but each year the end result is the same. At this point, I'm thinking I pretty much have to conclude that perhaps this is all there is, and this is as good as it gets. I have been VERY patient, and willing to work with her to resolve whatever issues stand in the way of a satisfying SL, but it's really starting to seem like she will only make an effort when I press the point, and then only enough effort to make me think we're finally making progress, and if I get busy with other things, she'll just let it slide and hope I'll leave her alone. Last night, her bottom line was that she thinks she needs either some sex therapy or some medication, but she's unwilling to try medication, and I personally don't trust sex therapy to do any good. She said "I just don't know what to do."
I think this evening I will basically lay it on the line, that I'm going to make a decision this year whether to continue this marriage or not. The way things look right now, I wouldn't bet on us having a 27th anniversary. Also, I'll no longer be willing to try to maintain the status quo by things like allowing her to fall asleep beside me in front of the TV each night, and I don't even feel like kissing her goodbye in the morning or goodnight at bedtime. I feel like creating some distance and shaking up her routine. Yes, I feel angry and taken advantage of. So that's where I'm at right now...
Sorry guy, its not a new one. I hear this story all the time from friends, on here and even my own situation. As long as I press the issue H will take some action, but as soon as I let up on the pressure he falls right back into his same ole, same ole. If you find some kind of cure for this, let me know. I get tired of always having to apply pressure to get results, or what I think are results.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing
Annette who knows exactly what you are talking about
I have followed your posts over the past year, and I share your pain. I have not worked NEARLY as hard at my sitch as you (and others) have, and that is precisely what depresses me into a state of hopelessness from time to time. It's the gnawing realization that If these guys -- working SO HARD at it -- can't realize significant, ONGOING change in their LD spouses -- despite working so hard on themselves -- how in the world can I??
I think it was SolidMechanic posting on my most recent thread that said, "Maybe some people are just incompatible."
I do wish you well, and it's good to hear from you.
I think it was SolidMechanic posting on my most recent thread that said, "Maybe some people are just incompatible."
I have to admit, that's pretty much what I'm starting to conclude. The phrase "She's just not that into you" is very much in my thoughts at the moment...
Sorry to see you back here. I thought things had been going well for you about a year ago, when you were implementing some of the PM concepts. What happened?
I don’t think creating distance will get you any results. I think you should stick to the schedule, and confront her as necessary to do so. Quality issues take time to work out, but it is hard to do that unless the frequency is maintained. Confrontation/communication is necessary on an ongoing basis, although I am finding that we are having fewer ‘sex’ talks now than we did 6 months ago. On the contrary, we talk and joke about sex in a normal (or what I assume is normal, lol) way, and it is just part of life now.
Tim, fwiw, you were reading and posting about PM when I found this BB last year. Many of your posts inspired me, and I decided to read PM myself. It was a turning point in my life.
I have to agree with some others, this isn't new...it's all too common, unfortunately.
Why would you not try sex therapy if she's suggested it and is willing? What could it hurt?
It sounds to me that she is falling into a common trap, of not putting your R as a priority in her life...she's letting a list of other things including your kids (who are pretty much grown now) take priority over you.
Now I'm not saying the kids shouldn't be a priority for her...they should. But she has to learn to make your M and your SR a priority too. She's willing to go along with a schedule, that's great...that's much more than many here have...she needs to learn to concentrate on you though at that time and not be ticking off other things in her head that need to be taken care of.
Has she ever tried a C who concentrates on Bio-Feedback? My H initially went to a C, who I'm now learning actually did help him learn to think differently. I used to think he had wasted his time, until our C explained something to me yesterday...something I was misinterpereting.
If I were in your situation though, and my H told me he thought perhaps he needed sex therapy....I'd jump on it!!!
Man, I hate it when the alums come to visit. Especially when they have bad news.
Sorry to hear about your recent challenges, Tim. Try to think of it this way. The "I just couldn't get into it" comment only applied to that particular session. Keep on it. Keep pushin'. Uh...keep on truckin'. You know what I mean.
As for telling her that you need to make a choice this year about whether to stay or go, only do it if you're willing to follow through at the end of it. Otherwise, you're just blowing smoke up her skirt.
Tim.......This stuck out at me big time. She said maybe I need some sex counseling. For one I see that as a positive that she is at least willing to admit 1. fault and 2. be willing to get some sort of help. The reason she may feel against the medication issue is the horrendous side affects you can get from those. Maybe she could try some natural medications that are out there. But the sex therapy thing stuck out at me because maybe she is admitting she even though she is up there in a age but feels like she doesn't really know how to enjoy sex. Does she not orgasm during sex? Maybe some kind of sex counseling would be good. Maybe she would learn a lot of new things. I don't understand it myself but I am HD and VERY into experimenting or trying new things. But I have heard a lot about women who just can't seem to relax or enjoy sex. They are worried and thinking about their odor orthe extra fat they may have on them or their wrinkles. They can't seem to let loose and just enjoy and they also worry about looking foolish.
See for a HD woman like me I don't stress about any of those things. I am not afraid to take charge and I know what feels good and am after that feeling. If I want to be on top I will throw hubby to the bed and jump on and look him passionately in the eyes as I do so. If I want to perform oral on him I will confidently undo his pants and again look him right in the eyes as I take him into my mouth.
See there is such a big difference in confident women. She may be suffering from feeling inadequate or may be very shell shocked or shy.
I wasn't always this confident either. I guess it took my partner showing me and telling me what a great lover I was. He created the lover I am today in many ways.
Go figure he is the one who turned LD. And I am the one wondering what to do with the woman he created.
Quote: Try to think of it this way. The "I just couldn't get into it" comment only applied to that particular session.
No, that's the thing. She was making a general statement about her state of being. I was saying that I think the main problem is her entire ATTITUDE towards sex, and that what she needs (imho) is to spend time thinking about it, jacking off, getting horny, finding out what turns her on. Her response was "That's just the thing... I can't GET horny..."
Not too sure what to do with that. I'm forming the opinion that I've pretty much done what I can, and she's just not showing up for the game. If she has an issue, or a problem, I can't really do anything beyond what I'm already doing to help her with it... it's hers to resolve, or not. I'm just thinking it may be time to really set a "hard boundary". Yes, if I do go that route, it will be in the full knowledge that I will follow through with it...
Especially when they have bad news.
But the sex therapy thing stuck out at me because maybe she is admitting she even though she is up there in a age but feels like she doesn't really know how to enjoy sex. 
And I am the one wondering what to do with the woman he created.