As my subject line states.....I'm finding it very difficult to move past my husband's affair and focus on our marriage.
My story:
I originally posted in the "newcomers" board, so I apologize if this is a repeat read for anyone.
** I'm a non-abbreviation user as well, sorry if that makes for longer reading as well!! **
I am 32 years old, and my husband is 33 years old. We have a 3 year old son (soon to be 4!). We've been married almost 8 years. May 3rd, 2005, I found out that he had been cheating on me with a girl (24 years old) from work. After confronting him, he admitted the affair, but immediately apologized and asked for forgiveness. He never once chose her, instead he ended it with her over the phone, as I sat with him and listened. Since then however, while he still works with her, he tells me they talk very little, and when they do, they talk about work. Just a week after they "broke up", she told him that she was seeing someone new in the office. The same day she told my husband, he immediately told me that evening. I asked him how he felt, and he said he was happy and that what they did was a huge mistake to begin with.
Now, I'd just like to add.... while my story sounds short and simple, it was a bit more complicated, but for the sake of not typing to the point that readers fall asleep, I figured I'd just get to the point.
So now to where we are now. We're working on our relationship, while we haven't gone to any "official" counseling, we've been very open about how we feel, why he feels he cheated, what he needs from me, what I need from him, how we've changed, etc..... We've read and worked through some relationship books, and read the Five Love Languages together. We've both made some baby steps and some leaps regarding areas we need to work on, and things we'd each like the other to do for us.
But..........
I just can't seem to get over the cheating.
I find myself asking the usual questions... "was she prettier, was she smarter, was she funnier".. and then my thoughts move to picturing them together, hugging, laughing, kissing, holding each other....
For anyone out there who had a spouse cheat on them....how did you move past the anger, resentment, pain...and finally get to where you could honestly just focus on the relationship you're trying to save?
Kimiko, it all starts with what you choose to think about. If you dwell on the past, the past will dwell in you.
You have today and all the tomorrows to come. The past is gone, and it can't be changed. If you continue to revisit the past, you will not get over it, you will not move forward. It's a choice you have to make. Decide what you really want: to stay stuck or to move forward. Practice thought control. Look at today's positives. Find the things to love about each other now and build on that going forward.
Are there questions that haunt you? Then schedule an hour a week with your H where you can ask questions and tell him you need to shatter all the walls that existed from the affair so that you can have peace of mind.
Be warned, some answers you may not want to hear, and may hurt you or haunt you for some time.
The environment in which these questions are asked and answered must be a gently non-aggressive environment, where you calmly accept the answers without letting anger make it confrontational. If you do, H will not answer any more questions and he'll probably lie to you so as to not cause you more pain. But when that hour's up, there are no more questions until the next session, because just as you may have a need to know, H doesn't want to be barraged with questions all the time, nor does he likely want to revisit his mistakes, because they bring guilt and pain to you and him.
This can be rough going it alone... why not schedule time with a MC so as to conduct these sessions in a setting where there is someone helpful and impartial to help you both overcome the obstacles that may arise, that could help either of you understand yourselves and your partner better, someone who can offer suggestions and exercises to help you through this difficult charting through the waters.
Quote: Kimiko, it all starts with what you choose to think about. If you dwell on the past, the past will dwell in you.
I honestly set out each morning thinking about our future, and the good things we've accomplished. I don't dwell...but it's just moments in time, especially at night, just before bed...when my mind does a 180 on me and starts thinking about the past. I guess I wonder, if that will ever stop, or even just slowly fade.....I guess I just wish I had some short term memory loss!!
Quote: Are there questions that haunt you? Then schedule an hour a week with your H where you can ask questions and tell him you need to shatter all the walls that existed from the affair so that you can have peace of mind.
Be warned, some answers you may not want to hear, and may hurt you or haunt you for some time.
I've asked all the questions of him, and I believe he's answered them honestly. Some of his answers hurt, other answers brought us closer together. Most of what I think about is the doubt, the "what if he isn't telling me the truth"? Sometimes the fact that he lied to me and cheated on me adds to the idea that he may be lying now.
Add to this that he shared a picture of her with me, (at my request, I wanted to know what she looked like) and from this picture starts the images of them together. I almost wish he didn't have a picture of her to share.
Quote: why not schedule time with a MC
Excellent suggestion. This is something I had planned on doing, but budget-wise, we just can't afford it right now. I recently had to buy some plane tickets at $1000 each (3 of them) and we have an upcoming family vacation that we all really really need. (honestly, you aren't doing too badly in the counseling area yourself...I've read many threads with your posts, and I find that you always take an impartial yet fair view of a situation, and I appreciate that)
Thanks again, NYsurvivor! I'm going to focus my energy on thinking about our current relationship and our future! I'll have to find something to punish myself with, everytime I think about the past. (joke of course...however, I suppose I could deprive myself of ice cream or something!!!)
If you find yourself wondering what she is like...Why not take a look at her? She doesn't need to know who you are. That might put some ease into thoughts.
You can't expect this to be easy. Your on the right track to saving your marriage. My suggestion is to do as much research on affairs as you can. The more you learn, the better you will understand.
Check out this site ...http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ It may help. There are lots of site for infidelity and how to recover. It all takes time.
The most important question you have to ask your self, is this all worth it. Forgiveness will come in time.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
but it's just moments in time, especially at night, just before bed...when my mind does a 180 on me and starts thinking about the past.
That's when you're permitting those thoughts access. That's when to practice thought control. You're not going to have memory loss. Replace those thoughts with the thought that hubby is right there in bed with you or something else just as neat.
I start by identifying the thought as harmful to me. That motivates me to kick it out. I replace it with a positive thought.
I've asked all the questions of him... Add to this that he shared a picture of her with me
Well I got confused then when reading originally: "I find myself asking the usual questions... 'was she prettier'".
Sometimes the fact that he lied to me and cheated on me adds to the idea that he may be lying now.
Do his action nowadays create doubt as to his honesty? If not, then there isn't any reason to wonder if he's lying to you. If he's lying to you, the truth will come out eventually, because now you don't have blinders on like you used to, you no longer are a practitioner of "blind" trust. You're more sensitive to sensing when something's amiss.
This is something I had planned on doing, but budget-wise, we just can't afford it right now.
Check and see if there are mental health clinics in your area that offer professional help at a income based sliding scale rate. If not, see if a local medical teaching university offers a clinic.
I've read many threads with your posts, and I find that you always take an impartial yet fair view of a situation, and I appreciate that
Pipeliners_wife, thank you for your suggestions and for the link. After posting I'm going to take a look at the site. You stated:
Quote: The most important question you have to ask your self, is this all worth it. Forgiveness will come in time.
Sometimes, when I'm sadder than usual, or down on myself, I honestly think that it isn't worth it. I'm the type of person who thinks in terms of "fairness". Not to the point of an eye for an eye, but more in terms of effort. I feel like I'm having to put the most effort into this relationship. All he has to do is work on making those positive changes that we've talked about, changes about himself and our relationship. But for me, not only do I need to work on those changes to help make us work, but I also have to struggle with the betrayal.
I will say however, at least 90% of the time, I truly believe the struggle is worth it, that our relationship is worth it. It's that other 10% of the time that I'd like to get rid of!
NYsurvivor:
Quote: Well I got confused then when reading originally: "I find myself asking the usual questions... 'was she prettier'".
I completely apologize, that was poor communication on my part. What I meant, when I stated that I find myself asking the questions, was more that I wonder and I compare myself to her. He's answered those questions for me, but that bit of doubt I still have surrounding his honesty begins to creep in, and I start wondering if he didn't answer some of the questions so as not to hurt my feelings.
Quote: Do his action nowadays create doubt as to his honesty?
The majority of the time, they don't create doubt. He's been working on rebuilding my trust in him in many ways, but (there's always a "but" isn't there!! ) then I start to think that maybe he's working so hard because he's hiding something. I don't want to be hurt again, so I find myself being suspicious when in the past I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Quote: Check and see if there are mental health clinics in your area that offer professional help at a income based sliding scale rate. If not, see if a local medical teaching university offers a clinic.
Definitely doing this today!! I've never really needed to look into ways to receive counseling, so I hadn't a clue that there might be clinics and such out there. Thank you for the suggestion!
Thank you again, Pipeliners_wife and NYsurvivor!! Even just sharing how I feel on here, and receiving feedback and support has been therapeutic for me.
I'm 2.5 years past finding out about my h's ea and have definitely found that my anger and resentment and hurt have abated as the months have gone by. It hasn't been a straight shot...I've have weeks or more where I was feeling great and then found myself back in the weeds again for a week or more...where my thoughts just seemed obsessive about the ow and h. In my case, I know the ow and had had plenty of opportunity to see h and ow together (before knowing about the ea) so for better or worse, I had plenty of "pictures" to run through my head.
Thought stopping helped me some (the use of the stop sign technique though I took it a bit further...when I was having thoughts I'd picture packing ow into a box and throwing her out of a moving car! Yikes!).
I read a lot on forgiveness ("The Art of Forgiving" by Smedes, "How Can I forgive you" by Spring). I learned to meditate and do so often (Jack Kornfield is my favorite guided meditation teacher -- he has a wonderful CD Beginner's guide to forgiveness and many wonderful books and tapes).
I've also recently read a good book called "Self-Coaching" by Luciani. It's a simple read -- basically that the voices in your brain that are encouraging you to focus on negative thoughts or images are the product of your "insecure child" and if you can label them as such, you can stop them.
Other things? Exercising, eating right, doing positive things for myself and with h. NOT beating myself up if I hit a low (sometimes it was the "story" -- a la, "I can't believe you're not over this" that was the worst part). And time.
It sounds like you have a lot going for you and that h is very open to working with you. That's awesome.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I'm the type of person who thinks in terms of "fairness". Not to the point of an eye for an eye, but more in terms of effort. I feel like I'm having to put the most effort into this relationship. All he has to do is work on making those positive changes that we've talked about, changes about himself and our relationship. But for me, not only do I need to work on those changes to help make us work, but I also have to struggle with the betrayal.
Wow. This completely resonated with me. One of the things I really struggled with early on was the lack of "fairness" in the sitch -- not only in the recovery process but in the overall situation -- like, how could such an unfair and bad thing happen when I've been playing by the rules all alond?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Wow! Those were definitely some great words of encouragement, thank you! Just knowing that time does heal some wounds gives me a more positive outlook, especially coming from someone who has gone through a similar situation.
I guess I never thought about looking for books on "forgiveness". All this time, I've told him and myself that I've forgiven him, but maybe I haven't. I'm going to look for those books, and others at the bookstore today.
NYsurvivor,
Unfortunately, we don't have any clinics or medical teaching clinics that offer counseling, so I'm just going to save up and make it a goal of mine in a few weeks. Thank you again for the suggestion!
Now...if I could just get him to not have to see her everyday at work. I think that's part of my issue of moving on. I know he sees her everyday, and still talks to her. I don't want to be overbearing and constantly ask him, "did you talk to her today? what did you talk about? where did you talk? how long did you talk? were you alone?" I did that a lot at the beginning, and he always answered the questions, but I haven't been asking lately, and I wish he'd volunteer the info, but I don't want to smother him either. This feeling of walking on eggshells and wondering if I'm doing this or that right just angers me sometimes. I think to myself, "why is it that I need to worry if I'm smothering him or making him uncomfortable, when he's the one that did wrong!?" I know I need to get out of the "blame game", but I'm human, and sometimes it's unavoidable I think.
Anyhow...that was me rambling ....sorry about that.
Thanks again for the advice and support!! Hopefully I an be strong and positive like you someday, Sage!!
The majority of the time, they don't create doubt. He's been working on rebuilding my trust in him in many ways, but (there's always a "but" isn't there!! ) then I start to think that maybe he's working so hard because he's hiding something. I don't want to be hurt again, so I find myself being suspicious
Then thought control is needed here too, isn't it?
Little by little, that trust is rebuilt. Rather than suspect motives, look at the actions. If they're trustworthy, as you say they are, accept them as trustworthy and build on that. If they're not actually trustworthy, that will come through at some point I think.
What else might you realistically look for, or ask for, that would give you reassurance right now?
) then I start to think that maybe he's working so hard because he's hiding something. I don't want to be hurt again, so I find myself being suspicious when in the past I wouldn't give it a second thought.