I was recently unfaithful to my wife of 3 years. Let me give some background about myself and my situation before I ask for help.
I travel a lot for work. In fact, I am on the road about 3-4 days a week. For the first time ever, I cheated on my wife. Unfortunately, alcohol played a very big role in my mistake. I like to have a few beers, but it has never been a problem of mine. It certainly has never lead me down this dark path before. It was what most of you would call a one-night stand. After a business dinner, I met some girls at the restaurant bar and things progressed. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that I woke up the next morning with a hangover of tremendous guilt and self-abhhoration.
Since then, I have come home to spend the weekend. Understandably, I have really not been myself. I have to leave the room when I feel an emotional onslaught coming on so I don't tip off that anything is wrong. I can honestly say that I have never felt as bad as I do right now. I feel constantly sick to my stomach. I don't want to eat. I cry uncontrollably. I feel completely isolated. The one person, my wife, that I would most commonly ask for advice is the one I've hurt so bad.
Two different thoughts have constantly raced through my mind since the event. First, I don't want to tell her. I know I love her. I know I'll never go down this path again because as I've said before, this is the worst pain I've ever encountered. I know she'll never find out and I'd rather spare her the pain. What she doesn't know won't hurt her right? In other words, I created this awful pain and part of me is prepared to live with this burden if I have to.
Second thought plays counter to the first. It's not my choice anymore. I've given up the right to not tell her because I've already committed the act. It's her right to know this awful thing and make a decision for herself. Even at the risk of losing her, I should come clean out of respect for her.
So, in summation, one side of me wants to protect her from this awful feeling. The other side feels as though I've given up any right to make such decisions.
To make this all worse, we've recently decided to start trying to have our first baby. I'm sure there is some psychotherapist correllation there regarding my timing with this disaster, but I've been unable to figure that one out yet. I really don't want to screw anybody else's life(an unborn baby) up any more than I already have my own. BTW, I contacted a therapist today to get some professional help.
Again, please know that I love my wife dearly and I desparately want to keep this marriage intact. What should I do? How should proceed? What can I expect from her if I come clean?
As a last note, I truly cannot believe that I am here. I am in a place I would have never imagined. I can't stop thinking about how much unknowing pain I have caused. How many people I have let down. Please help me.
First - let me say, you made a mistake, a big one, but your immediate and complete remorse is refreshing. I put this in a different category than an actual (ongoing)affair.
Second - you absolutely must figure out what was behind this behavior - if not, then there is a risk you will repeat it when you hit midlife crisis or some such thing (my H did). Figure it out - were you depressed and looking for the stimulation and excitement, do you have issues with how you see women or with not wanting to grow up and be married, fears about commitment and having a baby - what do you think it was? Because you don't really sound like the kind of guy who just did it because he "could".
Third - normally, if you had kids, I would say don't tell her - if you are remorseful and certain you'll never do it again, why put her through that pain? (And it never really does go away completely). But given that you haven't started a family yet, I respect your feeling that she has a right to know before she makes a decision to start a family with you. I guess this is something you should discuss with a therapist before you make a decision. I mean - if you really feel you have dealt with the underlying issue and are positive it will never happen again - I'd lean against telling her. BUT - if this is a reflection of a weakness on your part, a character issue that may surface in other ways later in life - then she has a right to make her own decision, with the facts.
Think long and hard before you do anything. The one thing I KNOW is wrong is to tell her just to relieve yourself of the burden of guilt.
KML has excellent advice. I can't add much, but wanted to tell you how courageous I think it is that you've joined this bulletin board. If my H had half your courage and compassion, well, he'd be living at home right now.
I would just reiterate what she said about telling your W just to alleviate your own guilt. That's putting the burden on her. Put the work into finding out what drove this, and ensuring that it never happens again.
Good luck with your journey. It's good to see that 'the other team' may not be as heartless as we feel like they can be.
I have to tell you that it feels really good to just get some advice from someone, even if it's from a stranger. It's so outside my normal persona to harbor secrets. I am happy to just get some responses.
As to what caused this, I can't say yet. This was an act that falls WAY outside my character build. I do feel good that I am waiting to let all my feelings run their course before I make a decision. I am still very confused. I'm not naive enough to think it was just few beers. The nature of my job often puts me in a position where I could choose trouble if I wanted to. Up until last week, I have always been able to turn away from sordid affairs. You're both right, something else is happening and I need to figure it out. I do know this, I love this woman. I can't see anyone else being the mother of my kids, seriously.
It's been refreshing to hear you think a marriage can survive when such a secret exists. I have been in a state of panic thinking that things were, in all likelihood, over.
In retrospect to my initial post, I hope that I did not offend anyone by saying that I can't believe I'm here. I am certainly not perfect and am in no way sitting atop a high horse judging the souls that post on this site. Let's just say, some of the darker realities of the world just hit this young person in face. I am stunned, utterly.
As a final note Anna, thanks for the kind words, but I have to disagree. In no way should I be considered courageous. I am a desperate husband who made the biggest mistake of his life. I am here only by the mere consequence that I was unable to control myself. I really hate myself right now.
more honest opinions are welcome. I understand that I am probably the bad guy on this board, but I'm really trying todo things the right way. I made an awful mistake and I need help fixing it the right way.
Well KML summed it up preety good, but I would like to add as well. As long as your sure you want to stay in your R then why tell her. The only reason you feel the need to tell her is to lessen your guilt and unburden yourself . Your the one that made the mistake why make her share your guilt/pain. Think of it as your "punishment" (mabye thats the wrong word) for what u did. Deal with your guilt on your own. Mabye the challenge of dealing with it will help you to remember how bad it makes you feel if the temptation to stray comes again. Its a big secret to keep and you have to decide to keep it forever or not at all, telling her in 5,10,20 years would be worse than telling her now.
Of course this all only applies if you know why you did it and are commited to moving past it and staying in your marriage. I hope that doesn't sound to harsh its not meant to.
Quote: The nature of my job often puts me in a position where I could choose trouble if I wanted to.
You know, when I was a kid in Catholic school, the nuns used to talk to us about "avoiding the near occasion of sin". As a kid, this used to seem terribly unfair to me - after all, if I did nothing wrong, what did it matter if the person next to me did? I shouldn't be punished for it, right?
Now, as an adult, I understand what they meant. You don't PUT yourself in positions where sin is likely. In a marriage, that means you don't have friendships with the opposite sex that don't include your spouse, you don't hang out with people who have bad values and do bad things, you don't put yourself in positions where it is likely you will slip.
Maybe this means you need to change something about your work, or about how you conduct yourself when travelling for work?
(BTW - I know it's embarrassing, but go to your doctor and get checked for sexually transmitted diseases, and ask for antibiotic prophylaxis - preventive antibiotics - for chlamydia, a disease which may have no symptoms in men but causes infertility in women).
You sound like a very honest and upstanding man...irregardless of what you did, but I would as ellie suggested, find out why this happened. Was it alcohol? If so, quit drinking or be very careful how much you consume. I would not tell her, it would only make things worse. I say that because you are so remorseful about it and you do love your wife. Go see a counselor and spill your guts...get to the bottom of it. It would be a shame for two people who love each other to call it quits over this...and it happens quit frequently. I know someone who was so devasted over her husband's one night stand that they divorced over it...he was just as remorseful, but she could not get over it, hence the trust and hurt issue.
Quote: You don't PUT yourself in positions where sin is likely. In a marriage, that means you don't have friendships with the opposite sex that don't include your spouse, you don't hang out with people who have bad values and do bad things, you don't put yourself in positions where it is likely you will slip.
Perfectly put. I have figured one thing out so far. The more I expose myself to these situations, the more trouble I will likely find myself in. I am going to really change the way that I behave on the road. For one, less drinking. Drinking should be done with friends and can only cause some trouble when I'm having dinner by myself at a bar. For two, I am going to pick up dinner a lot more and take it back to my hotel room.
Everybody's advice has made me feel a little better. Thank you. I am going to talk to a counselor and see where this came from. I feel a little uncomfortable though because I still feel like I'm sneaking around. How do I go about hiring a counselor and keep it from my wife? Is that any less wrong than cheating? Shouldn't she know everything about me, good and bad? I'm still really hung up on this notion. I know I need some professional advice, but I still feel like a liar in seeking it. Any help?
Lastly KML, thanks for the thoughts on health safety. I have already considered doing those things. In fact, I almost have to if I'm going to keep this from my wife. If something happened down the road, I wouldn't have any choice but to tell her.
Let me just say one more thing, I really do feel pain from this act I committed. I can only imagine what some of you that have responded must feel on the other end. Let me just say that I am very sorry. Having gone through countless emotions over the past week, I can tell you that I would not wish that misery upon anyone. So to all of you who have been hurt, consider hope and happier days. Also, know that THIS man feels a little bit of guilt for each of you. I feel shamed in your presence as an adulterer.
But thanks, most of all, for taking some time out of your day to relay some marriage saving information.
