Bad Day

[crushedNJ]

Hey Everyone,

Just having one of those bad days. Some of that is nothing but magnified by more serious things it blows up to the size of Mt. Everest.

Today is my day off and I was planning on relaxing and taking care of my needs. The day was suppose to start with work out (I got a free membership to one of the clubs and have been enjoying the group classess they have - noticed that if I don't do the group class then I have hard time motivating myself) but I couldn't find my cell phone to call my friend to see if she is joyning me. Turns out it was dead and then I couldn't find my charger. Turns out my H took it to charge his phone. Now thing is that he has his own charger that he keeps at work. If he chose to do that then I expect him to let me know when he is borrowing mine - not a big deal on a normal day but I was already running late and to be honest I woke up in a bad mood.

Next thing that happened was little more traumatic. I parked in the gym parking lot and was cleaning out different compartments of the car console to clean up the mess from the weekend (tissues, napkins etc). Suddenly I saw a Target receipt and I thought it was one of the recent ones (we stopped at Target on the weekend). Turns out it was from December of last year (the date on it was such that I knew I was away on a cruise with my parents and my H was making plans to see OW). It listed among other things CONDOMS..... I already talked to him about whether or not he slept with her and twice he denied. That was just too weird for me to find this receipt from the past that could possibly confirm my worst fears: he slept with her and he lied to me about it....

Anyway, called him, confronted him, he still denied but acknowledge how I must have felt when finding it (I still have no clue how it ended up there-it was in the cup holder -place where it was not there before the weekend).

Another thing is that our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up and I already gave him his gift - I took him shopping buying about $160 worth of clothes. Over the weekend I saw that the Cirque Du Soleil is coming to our area and I mentioned that I wanted to see it. He decided that that's going to be my anniversary gift...nice and dandy but I was hoping for something JUST FOR ME! I am not planning on wearing his clothes, he is going to see the show with me though...I know it's dumb but it just kept pilling on with that bad taste in my mouth especially that I gave him a clue as to what I really wanted (Just for me) that would be in about the same price range that I spent on him....he did not take that bait though.

Last thing is that when we reconciled we talked about the fact that it should be both of us taking care of the house- I resent feeling like a maid who cleans, cooks and works full time too. Yes, my schedule allows me to be home more often but that's not the reason to put EVERYTHING when it comes to running the household on me. He had a 3 day weekend and the house is a mess (I worked on Memorial Day). I just get furious when I realize that those were just words and he happily slipped back into expecting me to do everything. I"m pissed, frustrated and I told him about it. I'm a grown up though so I will clean today (I was considering leaving it all for him to come back and see what he left me with but I decided that it's just childish). I do however, start feeling resentment towards him that it's back to what I did not want where as I'm keeping up what he always wanted (great sex life and lots of affection).

So....I know it must sound like nothing compared to other problems people on this forum are dealing with (been there though so I know what's that like) but that's my life now...I don't want to get it to how it was before....

[sage]

Crushed,

Sorry you're having a bad day Sounds like lots of things conspiring to piss you off!

As for the anniversary gift...I hear you on wanting something just for you but sounds like QT is a LL of h's and he's eager to spend time with you? THAT sounds not .

Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? (I ask everyone that about a thousand times! Sorry if I've already asked you!). If not, definitely do it. If you have, remember what it says in there about showing appreciation? Offering liberal thanks for the stuff my h does around the house seems to breed more!

Hang in there and how are you going to get the PMA up?

Sage

[crushedNJ]

Sage,

I started on the book and got half way through it before the reconciliation happened. I must admit I rested on my glory when it comes to that. I'm picking it up again soon.
As to getting my PMA up, well, I booked an appt for 5 hr spa treatment this coming Friday- funny thing is that it's a gift certificate from my H that I got for X-mas when he was chasing the OW. Yup, everything comes full circle....

You're right that I should be happy abour H spending time with me but it's not really his LL. It' more of the - I don't want to think about it, she mentioned it and therefore it's a sure hit. His LL seems to be WOA and I've been doing it until I"m blue in the face....

[sage]

Crushed,

What do you think would happen if you said "I love that you're planning an outing for our anniversary celebration. I'd also like a gift that's just from you to me. Would you get me one?"

It's sort of dangerous ground, though. OTOH, it's good to be clear about stuff that you're going to resent if it doesn't happen...OTOH, that kind of communication often sounds like "You're doing this all wrong" to the other party which would be, well, bad.

Can you let go of the disappointment? If so, I'd err on the side of saying nothing right now.

Sage

[crushedNJ]

Sage,

I sort of hinted to him that I wanted something just for me he replied to it that I'm "keeping score". I'm going to drop the issue for now, once the anniversary comes I'll see if he came up with anything else. If there is nothing else I'll just let it go and try not to be resentful. I'm having much better time with expressing my feelings - I don't plan to keep them inside and let them steam. He seems to understand and appreciate it. Our communication skills definitelly improved but listening is one thing and hearing is another. I don't think he hears me yet....

[sage]

Do you know that the "keeping score" comment is direct from M&V?

In this case it sounds like he does hear you but doesn't agree...which is totally cool, right? So, fill your own need for something "just for you" and let it go if he doesn't do something else.

Sage

[jstx]

Just my two cents, but if W asked me to go to Cirque de Soleil...I'd go, but I sure wouldn't be looking it as something we'd enjoy "together".

She'd enjoy it. I'd make the best of it and be glad she got to see something she liked, but it sure isn't my idea of entertainment...

[Phoenix_spark]

Chrushed,

I'm sorry your having one of those bad days. As far as the condoms go, I would of course been wondering where they went..., but where would that get you now. Do you feel the threat is past? Will digging up the old dirt help? Has he been acting honest with you? Where are you going to let this discovery take you?

As far as gifts go, (IMHO!)that is something given by someone that reflects that persons feelings for the recipient. You really shouldn't be telling the other person what to buy for you. Maybe suggestions if asked. Limitations, if threat of improriety. But an issued buy list, seems to me a little too much. Perhaps he will buy you both.

My main response would be, don't throw away all your hard work over something such as what was bought for an aniversary. What is your overall goal? Will this get you there, or move you further away? Don't forget the basics.

[Freckle6]

Crushed:

I just spent last night and this morning reading over your past threads because this sentence caught my eye

what he always wanted (great sex life and lots of affection).

That is what has gotten my H and I to this point. You got a lot of great advice, especially early on from AJ. I copied and pasted a lot of things into Word so I can read and reread them.

I've been feeling stuck in my own situation because I haven't been able to figure out how to address my H's issues. But duh! I need to do what he's wanted all along and get over the fear of rejection. I'd love to pick your brain a bit. Mainly, do you think that you becoming more sexual and aggressive with it is what turned your situation around?

Over the weekend I saw that the Cirque Du Soleil is coming to our area and I mentioned that I wanted to see it. He decided that that's going to be my anniversary gift...nice and dandy but I was hoping for something JUST FOR ME!

I don't want to hijack your thread without offering some advice. Your H took notice of something that you mentioned you'd like to do and wants to do it with you as a gift to you. Chances are it's not something that is top on his list of interests, am I right? Take the "gift" for what it is--him wanting to do something for you that you'll enjoy. It sounds like he is doing this out of love so take it with love.

It may not be what you had in mind as a gift, but the best gifts are the ones that the other person put some thought into in regards to the recipient. Not something that you've handpicked yourself. If you want new clothes, go buy them yourself! What will you remember in the years to come? Some clothes that are out of style and have been shoved into the back of the closet or donated to the Salvation Army? Or the memory of the night your H took you to see Cirque because YOU wanted to see it?

As far as the receipt. Hard to do, but forget about it. Dwelling on it will not further your goal of having a happy marriage will it? Whatever happened with the OW is in the past and was before he suddenly stopped the D because he wanted to stay married to YOU.

About the cooking/cleaning issues, can you afford a maid once a week or so? People have different priorities and different opinions on what is "clean". It's evidently higher on your priority list than your H's. You work and your H works so your free time is limited. If it will take the stress off of you and your R to have some extra help with the mundane chores, consider the $$$ well spent and the time saved as a bonus for you and your H.

Good luck. You've done amazing work on yourself and I have a great respect for how far you've come.

[Phoenix_spark]

Chrushed:

Sounds like we're all giving you tough love. I, for one, don't want to see you fail. Watching you through the really tough times was very hard. I know BeingME and I just wanted to do all we could to turn things around for you. But you did it yourself and it was great. Now here you are sabotaging your own success. Nicole6 has said what I was trying to say last night in a much more accurate manner. There are going to be things that will bring back bad memories, let them go, don't go back down that self destructive road. You know as well as I there are many here that would love to be where you are at in your R right now. If your H feels that you will not forgive (let him forget) and move on, then maybe he will give up on your R. That puts you right back at square one. Don't do this to yourself!

May I suggest making the anniverary outing the best time together. I mean the best time ever, like you were when you were first in love (or newly married). Break out the super vixen. There is no more appropriate time to celebrate your anniverary than this one, the first one after such a rebuiding year. If you make it such a memorable event, I suspect the other gift you wanted might just follow as a "thinking of you" gift.

Spring board or stumbling block? You decide.