CFI... Good for you for not reacting to W after she threw out that comment...in PM terms, that's called " holding onto yourself"...you don't become flustered or anxious, you stay calm. NOP and the others here can help you with productive responses...bascially, you call her on the crap, and stay firm and resolved in what you want. Sometimes the responses are just too hard to do...if you can HOY, you are ahead of the game. None of this is easy and you will make plenty of mistakes as she tests you. In the process, you will learn a lot about communication...how to assert what you want, and how to boundary the bad stuff. I still work at this but I have gotten a lot better, and for the most part my H has turned around, from feeling he could walk all over me to respecting me and working with me, not against.
Now that you have some space, it's a good idea to think of a few goals that you would like to accomplish and write them here.
NOP, I could confront her and give her some references, but she will deny the situation and become angry. Having had time to reflect and consider my situation, I can see that she is not really interested in working on things. She is not interested in my self help books or really anything other than just "seeing what happens." I know fully well what is going to happen with this stance-nothing. Her love bank for me is empty and mine is very close to that. Not being negative, just realistic.
She is friendly when we talk and cordial. But as soon as any kind of R discussion, suggestion or anything comes up, her defenses do too. Makes it hard to work on things when it is just me, but I am going to try. I can offer the books and see, but they will just collect dust. That's ok, I am still going to try.
I like your response to her comment and wish I could be as quick witted. I will definitely keep that in mind for next time.
IHJ, Thanks for your support too. My goals are going to be to try and stay positive and happy for W and kids. Have more books to read. I am considering a phone consultation. That's all I have planned for right now.
Sounds like we're two kindered spirits, and in very similar situations.
Now I've only begun the DB stuff in the past month or 2, but it has changed things. My wife went from wanting to get out to asking me to counseling (have yet to go). We could divorce tomorrow or stay married happily for 50 more years. I don't know.
I guess the ONLY piece of advice I can offer with certainty at this point is lovingly detach from her, focus on getting a life for yourself and really becoming a separate person.
I started attending CODA meetings (codependents anonymous) which may be helpful for you too.
My attitude is that I definitely want my M to improve, but if it doesn't I'm getting "in shape" so to speak.
If you're a real coach, I think thinking of yourself in those terms may help. Stop relying on her as a superstar pitcher that is your crutch. Develop your own talent and become your own superstar. Either you 2 will become a great team, or you'll be in a position to move on to greater things in a much more ready mode.
All the best.
KMP
Do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=896649&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
Well all, My situation has seriously deteriorated. I was away on a short trip with my family. W was home with kids.
My trip was ok. I thought about my situation a lot. When I got home, I was greeted somewhat coldly by W. I talked with her and kids a bit, and discovered that they had gone to a "family" party where OM and his W were. I was very upset and told her that I wish she would have asked me. She became angry and we didn't talk much.
Next morning, she told me she wanted a D, that this was not going to work and she was not going to live as a "prisoner." She was very angry toward me and hateful. She said she wants out and that is final.
I tried to appeal to her, but that was of no use. I believe we are headed for a divorce. I feel so guilty, so hurt and remorseful. I realize it is not entirely my fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I feel especially sad for my children who have no idea. They are such wonderful kids and I love them dearly. I know this is going to devastate them. W says it's not that big of a deal, that this sort of thing happens all the time, and that things just didn't work out.
I don't know that there is much else I can do now...
I'm speechless for you and very saddened to hear the development.
Just know this community is here for you if nothing else and we can all relate to your emotions.
This too shall pass - remember? Life does indeed go on, and who knows, this may change. I'd suggest using a phone coach here too as I've gotten a lot of value out of mine.
Best wishes to you and your kids and stay in touch.
KMP
Do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=896649&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
I am so sorry, CFI...I think now you have more pieces to the puzzle...this guy is still in the picture and you are up against a tough battle. NOP has a sixth sense about these things and will have advice for you. You and your family are in my thoughts.
You have to decide if you want to fight for your marriage or not. When I say fight, I am talking serious effort and pain.
Here is the deal. Life has served you up a crap sandwich, and you have no choice but to eat it. Pain has entered your life, and it is NOT going away. The only way to get to the other side of this pain is to walk through it.
There is much to tell you, but you can't absorb it all right now.
Please read the posts between csw and NOPkins over the past several months. That will save me a lot of typing, and get you something to sink your teeth into.
Find out the extent of her affair. Do NOT confront her yet. Get evidence. Just to get you past the pain, you can assume that the affair was physical at some point. Her contact with the other man has re-ignited issues with her, if it was ever over. I have strongly suspected that the affair has never stopped.
This is why a person that was once involved in an affair should NEVER have contact with that person again. If that means leaving a job or moving to another state, that is what you do.
Snoop. Find out what is going on, hire a private investigator if you need to. Get evidence. Once you have evidence, you will expose the affair. That includes telling the other man's wife.
Before all that, you will have to get calm, and do NOT get desperate with your wife. It will drive her further away.
This is not going to happen fast. Divorces don't happen overnight. You can NOT control her, so don't try. DO tell her what you like or don't.
You need to let me know what your intentions are regarding your marriage. If you decide to fight, I can provide you with some additional resources. I am not sure that I have the time available to coach you directly, but I can put you in touch with some folks that can.
Oh and this is just the start of the battle. Your wife told you to just accept it. That is something that you most certainly do NOT have to accept.
Lastly, I need you to pay particular attention to this. All cheaters are liars. You simply can't do one without the other. That means that from this point on, you can not believe ANYTHING your wife says. You can not trust her. You can not trust her with your children.
You have to decide whether or not you are going to be the hero for your marriage. Since you are currently the sane one in your marriage, you are now the kids hero and they are your primary responsibility. Period. They have been betrayed just like you, and they ABSOLUTELY ARE GOING TO BE AFFECTED by the ordeal unfolding in your life. You be their hero, regardless of what happens to your marriage.
Do NOT let your wife lead you to divorce. Don't sign anything. Don't agree to anything. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. If someone has to move out, she can. She is the one making bad choices here. You keep the kids.
Your wife will try to blame anything and everything that she perceives as wrong, on you. She will try to pick fights with you so that she can justify visits with the other man. Don't react to her efforts.
One more thing. Prepare to learn more about everything in a shorter time period than you ever thought possible. The learning curve on affairs is steep.
I know your brain is on fire right now. Go cut the grass and think it through.
Sorry, Coach.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
