All, Gave W a kiss goodnight last night and told her I love her. She said she loved me too! This am she seemed a bit more stand off-ish, but I kissed her good morning and kissed her again when I left and told her I love you. She didn't say it back this time, but smiled and told me to have a good day.
Our 11 year anniversary is Saturday. I am going to get her a card and pick some peonies for her. I am taking her to dinner at a really trendy place and then to a movie. I arranged the sitter. I also need to give her SSM, but am still nervous about this.
I am liking this man of steel approach, but I want to know what I do with myself when I am feeling down, sad, rejected, because those feelings come and go. I know I can't project them on my W anymore because that has driven her farther away. How do some of you cope with this?
I can't recall if you said you had read Undefended Love or not. If not read it! When you are feeling sad or down, pick it up and read it some more. BTW, from your posts, you and I sound very similar. I can get very defensive when I feel wronged or slighted by my wife. The problem is even greater if you have a wife like mine who can also get very defensive and feel wronged very easily. Then you get caught in the avalanche of who's hurt more and who can be more pissed off. The book helped me a great deal and I am about to reread it again.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Hi CFI... With your anniversary coming up, I would hold off on giving her the book. You could mention to her, since it's your anniversary, that you look forward many yrs of a happy marriage, and that you want to take a different approach and work with a therapist who is marriage focused, and she what she says. IOW, plant the seed, and later on, you can expand by saying you've done research and let her know about what MWD has to offer. I like the phone idea for you since you have been to several therapists...just doing something different might prevent burnout ( I can picture your W saying, " Not another therapist"). You have something new to offer ( along with that non-defeatist attitude).
As far as the negative feelings...I am an emotional person and struggle with this myself. Personally, I think it's normal and healthy to have a range of feelings...the trick is not to let the negative ones interfere with your ultimate goals. So sometimes I feel my feelings, other times I distract ( go walking, call a friend, do something fun, etc)...but I don't lose sight of where I am going. I also remember a phrase my mom always said.. " this too shall pass" and MWD talks about not getting too caught up in feelings, that they are temporary. Lastly, Lillieperal has had some positive results reaching into her feelings using the book Undefended Love, and I stand by my recommendation of Passionate Marriage, which is such a refeshing read...he talks about "self-soothing" when you are feeling anxious.
NR, I will get that book too. Gosh I have a lot of reading to do.
Yes, I am like you in that I get defensive. My W is the same. We are both stubborn people. She has closed me out for now and that is very hard for me to handle. I have learned that complaining about it to her has only made it worse, but I am a sloooow learner. The who has hurt who more talk has happened more than once, but I know it serves no purpose.
Well all, Anniversary was last night. Yesterday am, I had 2 dozen roses by her bathroom sink when she got up and a little card telling her I love her and need her. She thanked me for the roses and gave me a hug and kiss.
We spent the day doing little things around the house with the kids. We seperately went out and did some errands.
We went to a very nice restaurant for dinner. I wrote her a very heartfelt card telling her that I am willing to fight for our M, that I love, want and need her. Told her that the last year has been difficult but that I have learned a lot and have more to learn and that I understand that my criticism over the years has hurt her and put her in a place where she just can't feel for me anymore. I ended by saying that I really want many years of happy marriage with her.
She said the card was beautiful. She gave me a funny card, no thoughts inside, but it was funny.
Later in the dinner she said that my pushing for things to improve is not helping. She said that she is "tired" right now- tired of the pressure of trying, always having to think about our R and the pressure to regain her desire for me. She doesn't know if these feelings will come back (still feels this way after working on things for 6 mo.).
So obviously I was hurt, but did not tell her so. I said I understood and that she would eventually find that she really loves me or just can't try anymore. I reiterated that I love her and that I intend to keep trying. We came home and watched Pretty Woman together-love that movie. Kissed good night, but nothing more.
I think she really needs a break. I don't think our C is going to help us anymore based on the last meeting when she said there wasn't much left.
I am considering trying a phone consultation with a coach, and just letting her ferret out her feelings for a while. Perhaps offer SSM in the near future and see how that is received. Any suggestions? I know I gotta stay strong...
I am short of time right now, but here is something for you to think about.
You need to learn the difference between need and want in relation to your wife.
The right kind of distance serves your purpose, the wrong kind of distance drives her away.
You may want your wife, but for both of your sakes, you must learn that you don't need her. That is a balancing act between being needy and standing on your own.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I am considering trying a phone consultation with a coach, and just letting her ferret out her feelings for a while. Perhaps offer SSM in the near future and see how that is received. Any suggestions? I know I gotta stay strong...
Coach
Hi CFI... As I said in my previous post to you, I don't think this is the time to hand her SSM, which will seem like pressure. I like the idea of having a fresh approach with regards to the therapy...the phone consultation sounds interesting.
I know you wanted to see more of a response on your W's part after the anniv plans you made, but remember, your strength will be tested over and over as you go through this. Stay the course...and chin up!
All, I left for my trip yesterday. As I was leaving, I said, do you want me to call. She replies-"I'm sure the kids will want to talk to you..." I didn't reply but--- you know what--- that was just a crappy thing to say. Anyway, I smiled and left.
NOPkins, I understand what you say about need and want. What I really meant to convey to her was that I want her.
Also, on my flight, I read Surviving an Affair. This was very helpful to me. Yes, in my mind, I will always believe that she had an affair, even if it was emotional. She of course will not admit that. I think her love bank for me is empty, and mine is dangerously in the red for her. It would be a good read for her because of the advice given as to how to rebuild the R. However that I feel would be pressure at this point as well. She is an educated adult and I don't think I need to tell her what to do. I am going to give her space this week, and when I get home, will keep my positive approach going, but nothing more.
If she wants to read, she can find resources just like I did. By the end of the summer, I will reassess with her...
Coach wrote: ----------------------- If she wants to read, she can find resources just like I did. By the end of the summer, I will reassess with her... -----------------------
And exactly why would you want to wait on confronting her or giving her resources that she needs?
She is going to do what she has done in the past - again. Simply put, she learned nothing from the past encounter other than to keep it more secret next time.
You have to confront these issues head on. They will not get better on their own. They will fester and rot; causing further damage.
Please get the "Not Just Friends" book and do what I suggested with it.
Quote: -------------------- ... that was just a crappy thing to say. Anyway, I smiled and left. --------------------
Wrong response. The correct response, done without anger is: "Wife, you really hurt me saying that. I don't appreciate it." Then you kiss her on the cheek and tell her goodbye.
Lesson number one: Stop avoiding conflict. Lesson number two: Learn how to handle conflict.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
