Well... there is so much here I can agree with and so much I can't...
1. my wife also feels that sex should "just happen" and not be scheduled / tracked / or expected
2. my wife feels that I am extremely demanding when it comes to sex and that she will NEVER be able to satisfy my needs.
3. my wife does not want to talk about sex (she calls it verbal foreplay). we are either having sex or we are not...there is no need or time for anything inbetween.
So, I thought we are in the exact same position as I read your post. The difference is that I too would like to have sex 2x a week or more.
We have sex ONCE every 20-30 days when my wife decides she is willing. Not one day sooner. There are no handjobs, no BJs offered. It is vanilla sex on her comfort level and her time schedule.
I think that this is simply a form of manipulation.
If your spouse can find the opportunity to play the martyr, you are no longer concentrating on your feelings, but hers.
It would also be my guess that every time your spouse becomes the martyr, you give her space from sexual demands.
And the martyrdom works for both of you, I’m sure. She’s feeding your ego in a way that is comfortable for her and you’re soaking it up because you’re ego is starved.
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Edit: It struck me that this post may be seen as a little harsh. That was not my intention at all. It's just that I can see a manipulator a mile away because I'm one myself. And I tend to call it like I see it.
Geek, To be fair, I was where you are a year ago, perhaps even worse, as the 20-30 day interval was often satisfied with just a handjob, then it would be another 20-30 days before any contact. With that in mind, we've made significant and considerable progress this year. The first step out of that rut came as a direct result of attending (and putting my all into) a WWME weekend. I encourage you to attend a weekend if at all possible. All you have to lose is a weekend worth of your time. They don't charge for it, although they tell you at the end what it costs per couple and ask you to make a donation commeasurate with your ability to donate and what you got out of the weekend. I'm still convinced deep communication is the key to getting out of this. I also know how hard that communication can be.
Blind, I worked on my H regarding the schedule for a looong time, probably over a year. One day he just thought it was the greatest idea, it was so strange. Perhaps I worded it differently that day, I don't know. Keep at it.
I think originally he viewed it as a way for me to "get" it from him. Eventually I was able to convey that we both would rest easier knowing that there would not be this elephant in the room with us. We'd know which days we were to ML and we could relax into this knowledge and enjoy it and find ways to look forward to it. I know this line of reasoning might not work with her now, but maybe someday she'll be able to see the wisdom of it.
The other suggestion is to come up with a frequency that works for both of you and make it a non-negotiable thing--it will happen unless someone is in the hospital. Ours was twice per week, decided by H, and the deal was that we didn't have a set day but we had a set amount. It was up to him to decide when that would happen but I did request that he not 'save it up' for the weekend, or cram it into one day, kwim.
We have a loose agreement like this, but her calendar seems to have about half as many days as mine does I think you are right though, she seems to view it as a one-way what has to be done to keep GGB happy. I'm going to try to float a daily 10pm end of whatever we are doing alone deadline and see if she'll bite again on something like that.
I think half the battle is agreeing on a frequency that both of you can live with. The second half of that battle is to underscore its importance. That it should be something that happens, almost without fail, as part of your married life routine. It really took H a long time to see that being tired, or having a sunburn really only got him out of that day. The next day I was expecting him to ante up. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, except that to keep the dialogue going about frequency, and if she is too tired/stressed for that, then the WWME talks should take its place.
There must be room for marital intimacy of some kind in your R. You can cut corners all over the place in order to accomodate your busy lives but you can't cut that out because it's the cornerstone for the rest of it.
I know that, you know that, and she claims that it is at the top of her list and that she doesn't cut corners. I don't see the evidence to support that assertion though. I feel like I am talking to a wall about it with her at times.
sorry to interupt with irrelevant issue, but i am new to site/ new member and can not figure out how to post a topic (or is that thread?) . i need help desparatley and can't get started. could someone please respond with some guidance?
Still living for my family (even if she doesn't want to be a part of it). WAW wants me to WA???
On the main SSM BB thread page...where you see all the topics for SSM only...at the top there is a link for "POST", this is where you can start your own thread
Just type in the title of your thread...then type away with your specifics then hit Continue and it will post as a new thread for you that we can all respond to.
I think you are right though, she seems to view it as a one-way what has to be done to keep GGB happy. I'm going to try to float a daily 10pm end of whatever we are doing alone deadline and see if she'll bite again on something like that. 
