Thanks SD & GEL! W & I had a nice evening. We went out to eat at a nice restaurant, something we rarely did. Then we went to my folks house for cake. My mom made a VERY tasty carrot cake. My mom gave W a warm welcome, and they embraced several times throughout the evening.
Sadly, W kept her distance from me. Before dinner, she avoided my kiss like the plauge. After dinner, she told me she had a wine buzz, and I snuck a good kiss in. As we were getting ready for bed, I walked up to her, held her forearms in a loose embrace, looked into her eyes and thaked her for a nice evening. I went to kiss her and she backed away and said my name. I said "are you sying my name because you don't want me t kiss you?" She said" Let's just keep it simple" I said " There's nothing simple about this, what are yu trying to say?" She said " Let's just leave it that we had a good evening."
At that point, I fell apart a little bit, and left the room. I said goodnight and I went to bed. I couldn't manage to pull myself together. After laying there for almost an hour, I went into W's room, and asked if I could lie next to her. She asked if I was sad, and I told her I had been since our talk in the bathroom. She asked if I just wanted to lie next to her, I said I wouldn't try to kiss her. She moved over and sad I could join her.
She was asleep withing 3 minutes. I laid there for 1 1/2 hours, but couldn't sleep. (partly my head and partly the fact that it was unbearably hot in her room with the windows closed to the rain.) When I got up to close the rest of the windows (big storm) I went back to my room. I didn't want to disturb her, and couldn't stop feeling like I wanted her right then. She made it clear that wasn't an option.
I know it was a needy thing I did last night, but I was feleling particularly needy. She didn't see or hear me busting up. She DID say I could join her, which I think is a good thing, but her distance throughout the evening was a bit disturbing.
I don't know what her plans are for her BDay, she hasn't answered my question yet. It doesn't seem like I am going to be a part of those plans... but nothing is for certain yet.
I better drag myself to work with my baggedy eyes. The manager isn't there today, and the BM said that I can't work overtime. I wish I had arranged to go in late today, since I already had worked my lunches all week. now I am out those 2 hours
I know this wasn't the birthday you had wanted. It seems to me that guilt is working overtime on your W and she's working to resist you....I also suspect she's seen OM at some point recently and he's pushing her again.
I know this evening wasn't easy for you, it wasn't all bad by any means...but it wasn't what you wanted either. Try to take a step back, collect yourself, and put on that suit of armore one more time. Now is when you need to continue showing that consistently loving behavior toward her...her armore cracked before....it's going to crack even more next time, it's just waiting for that next time to roll around.
She may just be putting up her guard in fear of feeling hurt again. It's almost like she is trying to distance herself but in times she is letting go of that distance. When she lets go I can't help but think it is do to attraction and the deep love she does have for you. Keep trying I think you are doing great.
CSW.......Maybe you could make plans with her for her b-day. Tell her you would like to take her out. Or maybe plan a special day and tell her you have done so.
The reason she doesn't need to see your hurt right now is because the other man is desperate and needy due to his situation.
Two desperate men NEEDING her, not WANTING her leaves her with only one choice, 'none of the above'.
If you were her, which would you choose.
a) The strong guy with the hots for her, who has the intelligence to recognize her needs, and the desire to fill them. The guy who has the drive to make positive changes in his life, and besides that, he wants her.
or
b) The guy stuck in the dark, dank single room apartment with half of his paycheck already spent on the family he abandoned, who is physically reaching out to her for comfort because he is a bit lost and no one understands him but her. The guy who constantly reminds her that he did all of this, just for her. The guy who keeps telling her that he will win against you.
I know this is hard stuff, but put your eyes on the goal, and take them off yourself.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
From a far away, outside perspective...you are still doing SO great at this R schtuff!! Keep it up, my friend! There are signs of progress everywhere...even if last night didn't go completely great. There were even positives there.
Hope you have a GREAT day and a better weekend! Your long lost pal... K
Thanks for all of the Birthday wishes. I am glad I know you all, or it would have been a quiet Bday!
NOP, My eyes are on the prize, STS. My hopes went up a bit on Bday, after seeing W's gift and smiling face, I thought maybe things were going to turn around. It is obvious that nothing will change overnight, but I was hoping for another step in the right direction.
Yesterday morning, I went into W's room to say goodbye. I gave her a kiss, and she kissed back. She came home at a reasonable hour, and we watched "Mona Lisa Smile". It was a much better choice than "Love Song for Bobby Long". We watched that the ohter day, and it put me in a deep funk.
Last night before bed, I was saying good night to W, and looked at the clock, and realized that it had been her BDAY for an hour! I wished her a happy.., and she said "I thought you forgot", and laughed. I gave her a big kiss, and went to bed. I offered her space in my room, under the ceiling fan... no reply.
This morning, when she woke up, I had her presents waiting. I had a very hard time picking a gift. She has been shopping for herself lately, and has all of the clthes and Yoga tapes and extras. I wanted to make something for her, but we have so many things I made around already. I bought her a set of nice sheets for "her" bed, a Toblerone, and a squeezy ball for her hand exercises. At first she acted like the sheets were a wierd gift, but then she warmed up to them and made comments about the thread count, etc.
A bit later I made her an asparagus cheese omlette. I had already eaten a huge bowl of ceral while she slept.
Later still, I was folding clothes in my room. She ws in her closet, getting clothes together for her day. She is going out on SIL's boat, and then is sleeping at SILs. I very much want to believe her. I asked whoe else was going, and she said no one.... I honestly don't think OM is going, but I wonder if W is really going to sleep at SIL's.
While W was getting ready, she told me a story of our nephew, and how he has asked her a dozen or more times to go to his kindergarten graduation, to hear him sing "This Land is Our Land". W's face was all lit up. I held her hand, and told her she will make an incredible mother, to our children. She said she didn't know if it would ever happen. I said I was 100% sure it would. She said "What if I'm not?" I said, "We'll see".
That brings us to now, with her getting ready to leave. MIL called her to wish ehr a happy BDAY. It brough a pang of sadness over me. Her mom ws always one of the first people to call me to wish me a good one. She didn't call me this year, nor did she even extend the wish through W. It seems like they look at me as the unfaithful spouse. I really don't understand it.....
My optimism is still strong. My hope is real. My well of patience is deep.
Quote: I held her hand, and told her she will make an incredible mother, to our children. She said she didn't know if it would ever happen. I said I was 100% sure it would. She said "What if I'm not?" I said, "We'll see".
CSW... I see a shift here...she is acknowledging her own fears of becoming a parent rather than blaming you. I definitely feel this is one of the reasons why she ran away, and you are doing an awesome job of showing her that not only are you mature and responsible ( unlike squirrel), you also have faith and confidence in her.
W left for the day, and won't be back until tomorrow. I am not sure she will be back tomorrow, since she will need to be back at SIL's by 8 the next morning for graduation. She said she would, so I will take it at that.
She was looking mighty hot today. I let her know, and told her I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She appeared to be flattered, and smiled. She was wearing shorts that used to be too tight for her, but now they fit The great thing about the shorts is they have big pocket openings, all the easier to tickle that spot on her hip (sorry, was I panting?) I was glad I didn't get slapped
I think I am exuding confidence (with this heat, I am exuding more than that )
My sadness comes and goes, but overall, I feel pretty good. (especially after seeing W in those shorts and tank top!)
