I got married hoping to not have to play these games anymore, but it seems like the solution to many of the problems that arise on this board is to 'not be too eager', other things that may mask the way we really feel in order to not make things worse with the present situation. Am I wrong here or does this look like the same old dating games?
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
I guess its the games ie; giving flowers, paying attention to each other, giving gifts, the pursueing that some of us like. I loved when H pursued me, it was wonderfull having all that attention. I didn't stop the giving behavior until a couple years ago, he, however pretty much stopped it when we got married. When we got married, I all of a sudden became the back burner.
Seems once this happens and neither partner speaks up, then it exculates and then takes alot to fix it
The games you refer to would only be applicable, imo, if you are dealing with an unfaithful spouse.
If it's a plain ol SSM, I'd say the best approach is to ditch the games, permanently if you are able to.
It was hard at first for me to act any old way I wanted to, knowing that H wanted me to act a "certain" way. But the more I was myself, the more he played along until he found that it wasn't quite as distasteful as he originally thought.
We are pretty good at being ourselves now but there is always some wariness with each other, barely detectable but it's there. I'm hopeful that this will be the last thing to go.
I am not talking about giving flowers, etc. as playing games. What I am talking about is the fact that I still want to ML more than my wife, but I am supposed to not push the issue and just let her come around (so that she does not feel pressured about the ML. It has seemed to work as we now ML twice a week instead of once, but it just seems a little crappy to me that I still can not act the way I feel.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
I think this is what they talk about in Undefended Love, when they say you have to push past the comfortable, close R. When you decide to hide yourself because you don't want to upset your W, you're still in the pre-undefended state. This isn't a bad place, but it's not the ultimate place, as you are discovering. In UL, they talk about pushing through this to a place where you really can be yourself and not go to pieces no matter how your partner responds.
Please don't think I'm judging you. You're WAY ahead of me.
I think it's just a fact of civilized life that we can't act the way we feel. I think it's important to be true to ourselves, but what I am learning is that when you live with another person, you sometimes have to adjust your actions and behavior in order to have the best possible outcome. In doing so, you need to figure out a way that includes getting your own needs met, so there is a win-win situation. It does sound manipulative, but this is the price we pay for civilization.
Journey, I totally agree with this. While my goal is to be myself, I sometimes have to pick the right time and place in which to do this. In other words, I have to place his needs just as high as my own. I'm not selling myself out but I am having consideration for him. If he needs a break from my..ahem..exuberance, then I give it. But not so much that I begin to feel resentful or I feel stifled. It's a fine line and I don't always pull it off but it is much better than it was before. Then, I was going to either extreme--either I was being a bitch and inyerface with my me-ness or I was giving him so much room to breathe that both he and I forgot about sex entirely. It was depressing.
I would say that if it feels like a 'game', then you need to incorporate a little more NR into your routine.
SSM are nothing but games. I find that I can not be "real" with my wife either, if I told her completely what I want from our marriage, she would give up. She has very little hope for meeting my true needs.
I understand about the games, for example, women don't like needy men. So the game seems to be to show the women that we really don't need them, and by doing so, they will then want us?
